Page 13 of The Long Refrain (Sweet Southern #4)

13

BENJI

JANUARY 2028

I don’t know what the hell to do with myself while Nolan’s in his appointment. I wish I could’ve gone with him, held his hand as he faces the unknown with a new doctor. All I can do is wait, I guess. Popping the tailgate on Colby’s old truck, I sit and swing my legs. I spend a little while just watching people, but then I realize I’m shirtless and probably look creepy. Oops. Nolan’s shirt is a size too small but I tug it on anyway.

A few birds chirp and swoop overhead without a single care in the world. Makes me think of Nolan wishing he could be a bird. My stomach tightens and roils at the idea of him jumping off that balcony. I was so close to losing him. I just want to help him get help. Selfishly, I really want to keep him. I want to see him blooming and carefree. I want to see Nolan when he’s his most true self, unshackled by the terror his brain plays on him. I love him no matter what, and I think that’s the scariest thing for me.

Somewhere along the way I fell in love with Nolan , with his heart, and with the slightly off-beat way he looks at the world. When he’d kissed me just before marching into the doctor’s office, I thought I saw the glimmer of my own feelings reflected in his eyes. But now isn’t the time to go blurting out feelings as big and scary as love. He just needs my support, he needs to know that I’m not leaving no matter how fucking scary things get. And things can’t get much scarier than him almost jumping off a hotel balcony, right?

My phone buzzes in my pocket. The relief I feel at seeing Eli’s name is second to none. I hadn’t realized how much I missed them while being on tour with Nolan. Even just talking to them about nothing is enough to settle my nerves.

Eli: How’s it going today?

Me: He’s been meeting with the psychologist for a while now

Eli: Colby said she’s really good.

Eli: She helped Colby’s cousin a while ago

Me: How many cousins does Colby have

Eli: A lot

Eli: I asked for a number once, and Colby got this weird, confused, constipated look on his face while he tried to count

Trevor: Beau did the same thing. omg

Eli: There are too many of them

Eli: We’re outnumbered

Jackson: I somehow found one of the few only children…

Eli: Not really. Colby and Beau are Harper’s brothers.

Jackson: True

Trevor: Harper and Nolan seemed to hit it off

Jackson: YEAH AWESOME

Jackson: Harper keeps saying how he’s best friends with Nolan now… his best friend is a rockstar… oh, Nolan, this… Nolan that… broooooooooo

Eli: LMAO

Trevor: Jackson/Benji endgame is going to make Nolan and Harper happen

Jackson: STFU

Me: SHUT UP

Trevor: Lmao

Eli: Trevor, stop starting shit

Trevor: It’s so easy… they’re so easy.

Me: Nolan needs a good friend.

Jackson: Harper is a great friend

Jackson: But he’s my boyfriend

Jackson: Just pretend he’s my husband

Trevor: Oh, here we go

Eli: Jackson, please

Me: Wait, seriously?

Jackson: Yeah, just pretend we got married. Everyone should do that.

Eli: You’re ridiculous

Trevor: Harper told me he was excited for college basketball season so he could do March Madness and pick teams by hottest players.

Jackson: WHAT THE FUCK?

Trevor: You should go ask him

Eli: TREVORRRRRR

Me: He’s definitely gone now

Trevor: You’re okay, Benji?

Me: I will be.

Eli: We love you 3

Me: I know

“That’s a big smile,” a familiar voice calls out.

When I glance up, I find Nolan standing a few feet away, his hands tucked into the pockets of his skinny jeans. His eyes are red-rimmed and his face has that distinct I’ve been crying look. I don’t know what to say or do to comfort him, instead I just open my arms and hope. Must’ve been the right thing to do because Nolan quickly crosses the distance between us and all but falls into my outstretched arms.

“It’s okay,” I murmur into his wild hair.

His fingers dig into my shoulder blades as he tries to burrow himself into my body. A cold wind blows over us, forcing Nolan deeper into my arms. In these small moments, I almost think I can protect him from everything bad, mean, and awful. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could force his brain to be nice to him.

“She wants me in weekly therapy sessions, and she gave me a prescription for a pill,” Nolan says, sounding the picture of a defeated man. “She said something about depression and anxiety but I zoned her out because she also used this really big phrase about trauma…”

I take a deep breath and hug him tighter. “Well, now we have a plan, right?”

“I fucking guess,” Nolan mumbles sourly into my shirt.

“I’ll bring you to therapy every week, and we can get lunch afterward. We’ll make it fun, less scary.”

Nolan pulls away to stare at me with those haunted, deep brown eyes. “At some point, I’m going to have to answer to the label. Chris can work wonders, but he’s not liable… for me.”

I run a hand through his hair, smiling when his eyes dip closed at my touch. “We’ll figure that out when we get there, okay?”

“Okay,” Nolan agrees just a little too easily. He pulls away to run his gaze over my body. A smirk lifts up the corner of his mouth; that small, hidden dimple almost coming out to play. “You look ridiculous in my clothes.”

I chuckle. “You look pretty good in mine.”

Nolan rolls his eyes while rounding the truck to the passenger side. He leans against the roof to stare hard at me. My blood sizzles and boils as his eyes bore right into me.

“That’s because you’re a caveman, Benjamin.”

“Oh, yeah?”

Nolan nods and rests his chin over his arm. “You like people knowing who I belong to.”

“Who do you belong to?” I ask, throat thick with emotion, heart pounding wildly out of my chest.

“You, obviously,” Nolan answers as he climbs inside the cab of the truck.

I have to take a minute to gather myself before climbing in myself. The last thing I need is Nolan clocking every emotion I’m feeling just because I can’t control the lovestruck look on my face.

“Places to see, people to do!” Nolan calls out from the truck.

I try to wipe away my grin, but it must linger because when I slide into the driver's seat, Nolan rolls his eyes in my direction. Doesn’t stop him from reaching over and twining our fingers together over my thigh as we drive.

“Do you feel better?” I ask.

Nolan shrugs slightly, his permanent frown deepening. “Kind of. But just knowing I don’t have to perform anymore silences a lot of the worst thoughts in my brain. And having you helps.”

“You never have to perform again if you don’t want to.”

Nolan turns his head so I can’t see his face at all and his voice is soft when he says, “I don’t know how to make music without performing.”

“Is that what you want? To record and release albums but never tour?”

“That’s the dream,” Nolan quietly admits.

I squeeze his fingers as I maneuver the truck off the highway and onto the small county road that leads into Clay Springs. He’s silent the rest of the way, and I don’t press him for more. The key to loving Nolan Hastings is to wait him out. He’ll give his small truths when he’s ready and not a second sooner. No problem for me. I can wait patiently for a long time, which is probably one of my best qualities.

Nolan eagerly jumps out of the truck the moment it’s in park.

“I’m going to take a nap. Leave me alone for a while, stud.”

He disappears up the stairs without a backward glance. A moment later, the front door slams shut behind him. I stand still for a while, watching him disappear for the second time today. Glancing behind me, I notice that Colby’s Jeep, along with a very beautiful classic Mustang, is parked by the garage.

Well, no better time to bother Eli than now.

I rap my knuckles against the perfectly white front door. The noise of dog claws tapping on wood echoes through the door and a soft bark is let out by Whiskey.

“Damnit, Whiskey. Some guard dog you are. You only tell me someone is here when they announce themselves,” Eli complains as he hurriedly opens the door.

His hair is a wet mess atop his head, and he looks perfectly adorable. His eyes narrow at the sight of me.

“Aren’t you supposed to be downtown at an appointment?”

I brush past him into the house, ignoring the frustrated sound he makes. “Ended a while ago. Nolan is napping.”

Eli deflates instantly. “Is he okay? Really?”

I don’t really know how to answer that question. Is he okay? I can’t tell. He didn’t jump from that balcony, but I still feel like he’s not yet in my grips. It’s terrifying and makes my chest feel tight. Kind of feel like I could cry, really.

“Oh, Benji, love. Come here.” Eli tugs me into his arms, swaying us back and forth as I cry silently. Jesus. I never cry. It just feels like the past few days have finally hit me. Everything feels so big inside me. “Shhhhhhhh…”

Eli pulls me toward the living room with an arm wrapped around my waist. We fall together onto the plush sofa, and Whiskey climbs into our laps to lie across us. She smells like outside, but it reminds me of being a kid, so I don’t mind it so much.

“Tell me what’s going on, Benji.”

I sniffle and rub at my runny nose. “I just… ugh.”

Eli just stares up at me, all doe eyes and sweetness. How the fuck do I just blurt this all out? Whiskey wiggles in our laps as I scratch just behind her ears, the spot all dogs seem to love.

“Nolan tried to kill himself, right in front of me… and I think it broke something inside me. I don’t… talk about things much. I know that. My legal name is Sunshine for fuck’s sake. I can’t be sad or whatever.”

“Benji,” Eli says softly. I turn my head toward him as I wipe away another tear. He looks so fucking sad that it kills me. “You can tell me or the other boys anything . We want to know how you feel and what you think. We want to know anything you’ll tell us. Anything! But if you’re sad, we want to know so we can try to help.”

“I know… I just feel like I have to put on this act all the time. Be what everyone expects. And now Nolan.” I stop talking for a moment and take a deep breath. “I have to be strong for him because he’s going through so much shit. My mom,” I whisper quietly, tearing my gaze from Eli. “She attempted suicide when I was a kid.”

Eli gently rests his hand on my arm, but I keep staring at Whiskey. “How old were you?”

“Eight. I grew up on that commune… you know? I think my mama took Mom there in hopes it would help her depression and mental health issues. It did in a way, like the community was good and they’re all weird but they’re family. But Mom just… she’s built differently. She took a bunch of pills and I found her.”

“That must’ve been hard to see.”

“Yeah and then afterward I felt like I was always walking on eggshells to keep her happy, to make sure it never happened again. She’s open about her struggles. I keep thinking about,” I whisper so low I can barely hear myself, “how I almost saw Nolan jump. I think I love him.”

“It’s okay to love him, but it’s also okay to be scared about what he’s going through. It’s hard on him and you, love.” Eli scoots closer until he can rest his head on my shoulder. “I’m so glad you came here. How can I help you? What do you need? Don’t tell me what Nolan needs, tell me what Benji needs.”

I run my hand through Whiskey’s auburn fur as I think over Eli’s question. What I really need is just my friends. I need their time and love and to not feel so alone. I need their help in supporting Nolan through whatever this journey is we’re now on.

“I just need to know you’re there.”

“Oh, Benji,” Eli says softly, a little sadly. “We’re always here. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Do you want some cookies? Colby made some last night and we have ice cream too, we can have ourselves a little sweet treat.”

“I won’t say no to dessert…”

Eli stands and looks down at me with a gentle smile. “No, I didn’t think so. Up you get.”

Whiskey and I follow Eli into the kitchen. Climbing into a chair at the island, I watch Eli scoop ice cream into bowls and then crush some cookies on top. Actually, dessert fixes everything now that I think about it.

“Why’s your hair wet?” I ask Eli around a mouthful of ice cream.

Eli flushes. “Trevor’s helping me train for a marathon.”

“A marathon,” I repeat in utter disbelief. I don’t think I once saw Eli use the gym at the clubhouse back in Georgia.

Eli shovels ice cream into his mouth until he looks like a chipmunk, cheeks puffed and eyes set firmly over my shoulder. He’s definitely avoiding something. I’m too stupid to figure out what it is though.

Eli shrugs. “I just want to be better at running. It’s important to be healthy. I want to… I want to be serious about my health for Colby. Take care of myself.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “Why?”

Eli bites his lip and pushes some of the ice cream around. “Well, he already lost one man. I don't want him to lose two.”

“That’s kinda morbid, Eli.”

“Well.”

“Colby is so lucky to have you. You love him so much, don’t you?”

Eli glances behind his shoulder at the fridge where a selfie of them grinning on the beach at sunset hangs. When he turns back to me, his eyes dance with what I can only assume is love. I’m so happy for him and Trevor and Jackson, the happiness they’ve found here is second to none.

“I love him more than I can ever say.” Eli leans forward and rests his hand over mine with a sweet smile. “It’s okay to love Nolan like that too. He looks at you like you hung the goddamn moon. That doesn’t come around all that often.”

“Does he really?”

Eli’s grin inches up until his eyes crinkle. “Oh yeah, Benji. I wish you could see how he looks at you. Pay attention next time, when he thinks you’re not looking. A million stars at once in his gaze.”

Armed with a container of ice cream and cookies, I push through the front door. The air is chilly as the sun sets, and the heat isn’t on. I kick the heat up to lower the chill, then pad my way toward the bedroom. Nolan is still asleep, dressed in one of the hoodies from my suitcase. The sheet only covers his calves since he probably tossed and turned for a while since he was alone.

Quietly placing the containers on the nightstand, I carefully crawl into the bed with him. I curl around him, nuzzling my head into the crook of his warm neck. He makes a surprised sound before tangling his fingers into the hair at the base of my neck.

“Hi,” Nolan mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

“Hi.” I press my mouth to his warm cheek, tracing the line of his jaw with my lips until I can softly kiss him.

Nolan hums against my lips as I tug him until he’s lying halfway over me. He tastes like coffee, which I know he probably drank just before taking his nap because he can somehow drink coffee and immediately fall asleep. I crack my eyes open to watch him as we kiss, only to find him already looking at me.

Nolan pulls away with a frown. “Why were you watching me?”

“Why were you watching me?” I repeat.

A beat goes by, and then Nolan is laughing and falling heavily against me. God, I love the way his laugh sounds. His laughter sounds like he’s singing, deep and musical. The best sound I’ve ever heard. Being the source of his laughter is my greatest accomplishment in life.

“Nice nap?” I ask quietly.

He rubs his face against my stubbled jaw. “Would’ve been better if you’d been here.”

“You wanted to nap alone.”

Nolan sighs softly. “Better in my head than in actuality.”

Gently moving him off of me, I roll over to grab the now melted container of ice cream and cookies. I hand them over to him with a hesitant smile, but he only looks up at me like he does sometimes, eyes full of wonder.

“I figured you were hungry.”

“I wasn’t but now I am,” Nolan admits, voice so low that I barely hear him.

I push back against the headboard and tug him to sit between my legs. The ice cream is kind of melted, but Nolan doesn’t seem to care. He mixes the cookies into the ice cream, breaks them with his spoon, and proceeds to happily and quietly eat the concoction. After a few bites, he lifts the spoon over his shoulder for me to eat some as well. It’s good in that comforting sort of way ice cream can sometimes be. Nolan finishes the dessert and bends forward to set the containers at the edge of the bed. I let my hands coast over the breadth of his ribs, then slip back up when he bends back to fall against my chest.

I slip my hands down his arms to tangle our fingers together over his stomach. For a few quiet moments I just count his breaths, feeling his stomach dip and rise with each deep inhale. The soft reminders that he’s alive here in my arms, that this isn’t all one big dream after he fell.

“Benji,” Nolan murmurs.

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to be okay.”

I squeeze my eyes tight to stop the tears. “I know.”

“Every decision is mine, not yours. You know that, right?”

I nod against his sleep-warm skin. “I know.”

“Can we go somewhere tonight? Just you and me?”

“Yes, angel. I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

Nolan sighs happily as he snuggles deep into my arms. “I know, Benji.”

Nolan falls back asleep while snuggled into my arms, and I let him. I can’t explain why it feels so special that he lets his guard down only in my presence. Maybe it’s the caveman in me, I don’t know, but it feels like he knows I’ll protect him the best I can. If I could fight his dreams, I would. The room gets darker as the sun disappears, but Nolan practically glows like some sort of dying star as his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks in his sleep. I lovingly run my fingers through his slightly curled hair.

Careful to not wake him, I tug my phone out of my pocket and text Eli, asking him for help so I can sweep Nolan away once he awakes. Eli is of course eager to help, adding a million smiley faces to his text message.

He shifts awake after only a little while and turns his head so his cheek rests against my chest. A sleepy grin tugs at his lips and that’s when I know, deep in the pit of me, that I’m head over heels in love with Nolan. Not with the rockstar, not with the man who challenges and bites at every opportunity, but this soft, gentle man I see glimpses of when he’s most vulnerable. Because it is in this vulnerable moment that he shows himself to me so clearly. He’s bright and effervescent and I fear the hold he’ll have on me for the rest of our lives. He has the power to break me, I can only hope he won’t.

“Thought you were going to take me somewhere,” Nolan whispers, voice still sleep-rough.

“I am. Thought I’d let you get a little more sleep in though.”

“Tired of sleeping.”

I chuckle at the irony and he throws a dopey sort of grin up at me. My heart does that dizzy thing again it only does when Nolan smiles at me without a wall of barbed protection. I roll out of bed, carefully tugging him along with me. I leave him standing by the bed for a moment as I tug another hoodie out of my bag for myself, because I need him, and want him to stay cozy inside of my other hoodie. I like when he wears my clothes and I like when he smells like me.

Nolan quietly follows me downstairs toward the truck. Without a word, he climbs into the passenger seat because again he trusts me to take him somewhere safe, to not lead him somewhere that he’s too afraid to follow. This weight of responsibility when it comes to Nolan is heavy, but I hope that at some point I’ll learn to handle it better.

A happy grin flits across my lips when I notice the pillows and blankets in the bed of the truck. Thank God for Eli. The air is chilly as I climb into the truck, so I flick the heat on as I head away from Colby’s land. We both shiver in the cab of the truck, but it only takes ten minutes of driving for it to warm up, and for the windows to fog up slightly.

The pin with directions from Eli leads us even deeper into the country. Stars always twinkle brighter in the winter. Everything gets darker and it reminds me so much of home that my heart hurts a little. I don’t exactly miss the commune, but I miss that feeling of having somewhere that was home. I’ve spent so much of my adult life traveling, that my heart has never settled somewhere. Clay Springs oddly feels like a good, solid place to lay a foundation. I glance over at Nolan in the dark of the cab to find him already looking at me.

His eyebrows are slightly furrowed and there’s a slight pout on his lips. “You looked sad just then.” He reaches out to touch the corner of my mouth just as I turn back to watch the light gray asphalt lit up by the headlights. “Why were you sad?”

“I was just thinking about home… I don’t have much of one anymore.”

“Not the commune with the moms?”

I shake my head softly. “No. That’s more of the place kind of home. Not the… not the firm idea of home. Does that make sense?”

Nolan hums in agreement. “I had a home once. My great-grandmother… she felt like home. She died when I was a teen, so I ended up in foster care. Let me tell you, teens don’t fare well in the system. People rarely want teens. So I spent the last two years in a group home just waiting it out. Then, well, everyone knows the story, at seventeen I posted the video on YouTube and blah blah blah.”

“I didn’t know about your grandma,” I tell him softly.

Nolan waves his hand around, obviously feeling emotions he doesn’t want to talk about. “My parents were young when they had me and had a lot of addiction issues. They dropped me off with my mom’s grandma and that was that. My great-grandmother was kind and loving, I had a good decade with her. She was religious and that was hard but… she was never mean.”

“Do you remember your parents?”

I can feel Nolan tense despite not even looking at him. Quiet fills the truck as Nolan considers my question.

“Mom was kind,” Nolan whispers, sounding oddly defeated. “I don’t know why she didn’t want me. Grandma never really said. I haven’t heard from them since I became famous, so I don’t even know.” Nolan pauses and takes a deep breath. “They could be dead for all I know.”

“And your dad?”

“I don’t remember a single interaction with him where he wasn’t high.”

I’m not a therapist or psychologist or whatever but I feel like that just explained a ton about Nolan’s entire personality.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, meaning every word.

Nolan hums again. “It is what it is. Can’t think about the past anymore. I want to think about the future.”

“Do you have a lot of thoughts about the future?” I glance over at Nolan, but this time he’s looking steadfastly out the window, fingers idly playing with the edge of my hoodie.

“I didn’t use to, but now I do,” Nolan admits shyly.

I don’t push him for more because now’s not the time. Life is too volatile right now to make or ask him to envision a future that only a handful of days ago he didn’t believe he existed within.

The directions lead me onto a small dirt road with brush on either side. We rumble and ride down the road, the sky getting darker as the trees close in around us. For a moment I’m a little scared that Eli sent us out here to be murdered by some backwoods group of cannibals, but then the trees open up to a clearing. Nolan gasps softly as he leans forward to look up at the sky.

“Look at all those fucking stars,” Nolan says, voice full of wonder.

A million stars have nothing on Nolan. We climb out at the same time, but Nolan wanders off toward the sound of water.

“Be careful, there could be snakes,” I call out.

Nolan turns around with wide eyes. “Seriously?”

I laugh at him, earning me a scowl from him in return. “There are definitely snakes the closer you get to the water.”

Without a single argument, Nolan carefully wanders back toward the truck, eyes scanning carefully over the ground before taking a step. Tugging the tailgate down, I climb into the bed to lay out the blankets and the pillows.

“Benji, this is awfully romantic,” Nolan drawls as he watches me move around.

“It’s sweet.”

“Romantic,” Nolan argues.

I freeze and turn back to stare him in the eyes. “Do you have a problem?”

“No.” Nolan climbs into the truck with me to help me finish with the blankets.

Once the blankets and pillows are settled, I lie back and Nolan easily falls into my arms. He shivers a little and shifts further into me. The silence between us is easy. I take a deep breath of the fresh, clean night air, smiling at the hint of Nolan’s body wash. Well, my body wash that he co-opted somewhere on the tour so that he always smells like me.

“Benji,” Nolan says softly.

“Hmm?”

“This is nice and all but kind of boring.”

I tug his head up to look at me. He grins a little, so I press a soft kiss to his mouth to taste his smile. “It’s not very us, is it?”

Nolan shakes his head, lips softly brushing mine. “No, not really. Nice though. Just feels like someone else's thing.”

“What could our thing be?”

Nolan rolls on top of me, straddling my hips with his legs. My heart races and my cock thickens just with the weight of him on top of me. He smiles down at me, cocky and sure, and leans down to brace his elbows on either side of my face.

“You know exactly what our thing is,” Nolan says softly, warm breath fanning over my face with each word. His eyes dart between mine as he tangles his fingers in my hair. “Thank you for trying… trying to be sweet to me. But you don’t have to try so hard. I like you when you’re soft for me, but I like it even better when you tell me what to do, when you make me bend to your will. That’s the best part of us, right?”

I stare helplessly up at him, the stars framing his face like a million galaxies brought him to me. Even in the darkness I can see the shine of truth in his eyes, I can see what I feel echoing back to me. We might not be able to say it yet but it’s there, so obviously there.

“Yeah, Nolan. You tell me what you need and I’ll give it to you.”

Nolan leans a little closer to brush his lips over mine. “You know exactly what I need, stud. You always do.”

In the middle of the starry field, cold wind whipping over us, I hold Nolan’s face between my warm palms and fuck his throat until tears stream down his cheeks. Afterward, I lick the taste of myself from his mouth and hold him close, giving him what he wants and needs, because it’s exactly what I need too. Taking from him what he so willfully gives.