Page 14 of The Long Refrain (Sweet Southern #4)

14

NOLAN

JANUARY 2028

S o, therapy sucks. The medicine isn’t too bad, but I haven’t noticed much of a difference yet. Maybe it’s because it’s only been two weeks. The doctor did say it could take over a month to feel anything. It took everything in me to not laugh because I haven’t felt anything for years. Whatever this thing is between Benji and me is the first thing that has sparked feelings inside my dead soul for… well, probably my entire life.

Benji drives me into town for each session, then we go out to eat afterward. The guy has this weird fascination with feeding me. Whenever I finish a meal, his grin is the size of the moon, and when I stare back at him in confusion, he just gets this sheepish look and ignores my questions. He’s taken to cooking for me in the evenings as well, and I don’t know if it’s just that I haven’t had an appetite in years but he’s the best chef I’ve ever met.

The nicest thing is waking up each day not feeling like there’s a two-ton weight on my chest. When I roll over into Benji’s sleep-warm body, there’s no anxiety or fear, now there’s just the comforting feeling of being safe in his arms. Benji usually sighs happily and tugs me into his body, as if he wishes he could absorb me into himself.

I also think his group of friends have oddly taken me under their wings. I’ve never had friends before. It’s kind of weird that I’ve fucked almost half of them, but oh well, Benji doesn’t seem too bothered by it. Probably because the puppy knows that he’s the only one I’ve ever developed real feelings for. Makes him special. Not that I’ll ever tell him that.

I’m in the middle of tuning my guitar while Benji’s on a run when there’s a knock at the door. It’s the middle of the day on a weekday, so I’d expected no interruptions while my golden retriever lover was out running off his energy. After gently leaning my guitar against the sofa, I walk over to the front door and swing it open.

“You shouldn’t open the door before checking who’s on the other side,” Harper says with a serious frown. He’s dressed in skinny jeans and an over-large dark blue sweater that shows a sliver of his pale collarbone. I can see what Jackson sees in him, the guy is adorable and hot, a rare find.

“Nobody here is going to kill me.”

Harper tilts his head to the side. “You seem pretty sure about that.”

“Well, if you’re the hit man they’ve sent after me, they are bound for failure.”

“Hey,” Harper whines with a deep, irritated frown. “I might be small but I have a lot of spunk.”

“I’m sure you do,” I say with a smirk.

“Anyway…” Harper trails off and looks behind me, his eyes widening with barely restrained glee when he notices the guitar. “Are you playing? Sorry. I shouldn’t ask that. I was going to have a bonfire at my house tonight… marshmallows and shit. I thought you and Benji might like to come?”

I lean against the doorway. “This isn’t some way for us to have a foursome, right? I don’t think Benji wants to share.”

Harper laughs so loudly it’s jarring. “Oh, that’s hilarious. I’ll mention that to Jackson. You can witness his reaction firsthand when I mention it tonight. You’ll come? Jackson will grill dinner. He fucking loves to grill.” Harper says all of this with a fond sort of irritation that is quite honestly oddly endearing.

“Yeah, sure,” I agree. “We’ll come.”

“We’ll go where?” Benji asks, slightly out of breath as he jogs up the stairs. He’s all sweaty and shirtless and mine . His freckles pop against the flush that dots his cheeks and I so badly want to kiss him, that I don’t deny myself. I grab his wrist and tug him closer until I can press a gentle kiss to his smiling mouth. “Hi.”

“Hello,” I whisper against his mouth.

“Yuck,” Harper says loudly.

“Hi, Harper,” Benji says with a genuine smile. “I saw Jackson in the car. Y’all heading somewhere?”

Harper flushes maroon and narrows his eyes at Benji. “No, he drove me over here so I could invite you over later.”

Oh. I hold my hand out and wiggle my fingers. “Give me your phone. I’ll give you my number so you don’t have to drive over next time.”

The grin on Harper’s face could probably broker world peace. I hurriedly punch my number into his phone and hand it back to him. He looks down at his phone in amazement for a moment before seemingly shaking himself free from the starstruck haze.

“Well, if you want to bring the guitar tonight, that would be fun. We can sing Hannah Montana together. Do you know ‘The Climb’?”

“Of course. It’s sacrilege to not know that song.”

Benji’s gaze pings between us, a furrow between his brows. “Not sure what’s happening here.”

“Shhhh… best friends are communicating,” Harper says with his chin in the air. “You’re sweaty and you should put a shirt on.”

“Don’t,” I tell Benji with a wicked grin that makes him flush even deeper. “Go on inside and wait for me.”

Benji goes inside without a word and Harper leans to the side to watch Benji disappear. “Jackson would kill for him, you know.”

I smile blandly. “I’d kill for him even more. I’ll see you later. Text me the address.”

I slam the door in Harper’s face before he can reply, but his laughter echoes through the door. I find Benji in the bathroom, leaning one hip against the counter, still gloriously sweaty from his run. He cocks one eyebrow at me as I slowly approach him.

“You think you can tell me what to do?” Benji asks quietly.

I shrug as I pull my shirt over my head. “It worked.”

Benji reaches out to slip his fingers into the waistband of my sweatpants, using his fingers to tug me close until I slam against his sweaty skin. I run my hands up his back, marveling at the feel of his muscles moving under my palms.

“Hi,” Benji says quietly, light blue eyes glistening.

“Hi,” I repeat softly.

“Wanna shower with me? Help get me clean?”

“Let me enjoy you all dirty first.”

I tuck my head into his shoulder, breathing in the smell of him. Even after running miles he still somehow smells fresh and clean. Maybe it’s the cold air from outside lingering on his skin. Benji pulls out of my grip to turn the water on for the giant shower. Steam fills the room as he repeats his favorite process, slowly undressing me. Once I’m shirtless, he slowly kisses down my chest, his eyes peeking up at me as he lowers to his knees. He slowly tugs my sweatpants down to reveal my thighs, planting kisses down my leg as each new inch of skin is revealed.

I follow his direction to step out of my pants and breath stutters out of me when he lifts one foot to ever so softly kiss the tattooed arch. No one has ever been so tender with me, probably because I’ve never allowed someone the chance. Only ever Benji. Just Benji. He stands slowly and tugs my naked body against his own. I can feel his heartbeat against my chest as I make myself breathe slowly to savor the intimacy of the moment.

His hands cup my hips, thumbs rubbing at the tattooed skin. “I’ve missed this. I like taking care of you, like when you let me.”

“You always take care of me,” I whisper like it’s a secret.

Benji chuckles softly. “I know, but there’s something special about these moments in baths or showers. You open up for me, let me be softer than normal. I like this version of Nolan best.”

“How many versions of me are there?”

Benji nuzzles my nose, eyes going half-mast. “A lot, and I like them all, but I have my favorites.”

After helping Benji get undressed, we slide into the warm, hazy shower. Benji dips us under the water, and I blink my eyes rapidly so I don’t lose sight of him. The way he tips his head back to reveal the long line of his throat as he wets his hair leaves me breathless and wanting. I don’t even care about getting off. I just want to… be with him. Hold him. Feel his heartbeat against my cheek as I press close to him.

I grab his face between my palms and tug him to me, eating at his mouth as he gasps in surprise into the kiss. His hands find a home on my hips, pressing tight into my flesh. It’s sad that my tattoos will make it hard to ever see the bruises he leaves on my skin, the proof that I am still alive, that blood pulses through my veins. Maybe the bruises he leaves on my heart will have to be enough.

“Nolan,” Benji murmurs against my mouth. “Slow. I’m not going anywhere. Like this.”

And then he kisses me deeply, like he’s drinking a fine wine that needs to be savored. His lips glide over mine as he curls his arms around my back to cup his palms over my shoulders. I melt against his body, feeling hazy and delirious with this odd, new urge. My heart pounds and my ears ring as his soft, slow kiss takes me apart. This is when I feel most alive, when the world feels a little less scary, when Benji treats me not like fine glass that could break, but like the finest china that he wants to admire for how carefully it’s been created.

It’s only when Benji’s thumbs move to swipe across my cheeks that I realize I’m crying. I blink my eyes open to find Benji already watching me.

“Okay?” Benji asks against my slack mouth.

“No, but I’m getting there.”

“Better?” Benji asks hopefully.

I nod jerkily. “I think so. Benji… you. You won’t leave me, right? I can’t do this without you, and I know that’s probably shit to say, and I know I hurt you with the balcony stunt, and you probably think I’m insane. I just… I just want you to always stay. Stay with me? Okay? Okay.”

I finish talking and realize now I’m really crying, fat tears falling from my eyes. Fuck this man and his ability to make me open up in ways I’ve never thought possible.

Benji’s own eyes glisten as he stares deeply into my eyes. “Nolan, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from you. You could ask me to go, and I wouldn’t. You’re stuck with me, okay? Don’t worry about that at all. Let me worry about everything else.”

“I want to be better. I want to feel whole,” I tell him, my voice shaking on the words.

His smile is tender and quiet, just for me. “You’ll get there, angel. We’ll get there.”

Then he kisses me again before tenderly washing my body. Nothing about it is remotely sexual, yet I don’t think I’ve ever wanted him more. Because in these small moments, Benji shows how much he loves me. Our relationship is terrifying and new, but it’s so real that I can almost reach out and touch the emotions. I never thought a love like this was possible, not for someone like me. And yeah, maybe I don’t deserve it, but I can spend my life trying to, and I think that would be enough for Benji.

“It’s cold as balls,” I complain as we step out of the car at Harper’s place. It’s a sweet little farmhouse with white paneling, dark blue shutters, and a wraparound porch. The chatter of voices and laughter floats through the air as we approach.

Benji takes my hand in his, tangling our fingers to keep me warm. “I’ll warm you up.”

“By shoving me into the fire?”

Benji snorts. “I don’t think we’re committing a ritual sacrifice tonight, angel.”

Well, one never knows. When we round the house, we see a raging bonfire in the backyard. Jackson stands with his hands on his hips as Harper points at the fire, mouth moving a mile a minute.

Harper grins when he notices us. “Hi! I’m arguing with Jackson about if we should start with hot dogs or s’mores.”

“Hot dogs,” I answer, because who starts with s’mores?

Harper tosses his hands at me with a sort of expression that makes Jackson sigh.

“Fine, I’ll go get everything. Don’t burn yourself,” Jackson says, eyes narrowed in Harper’s direction as if it’s a real possibility.

“I’m not going to get close,” Harper whines.

Jackson keeps his eyes on Harper even as he disappears into the house. A moment later, a loud truck rumbles down the gravel driveway; I assume it’s one of the other escorts with their sugar daddies. Benji wanders over to help Harper set up some camping chairs out of the direction of the smoke. I step a little closer to the fire, hugging my arms around myself to enjoy the warmth. The heat bleeds through Benji’s hoodie that I stole for the evening. Well. For life, maybe. Dipping my head down, I can smell the warm summer scent of Benji on the toasty material, and my heart does this scary little skip and flip in my chest.

I glance over at Benji to watch him help Harper, watch his muscles flex under the tight, long-sleeve shirt he put on for the evening. He must feel my gaze because he looks over his shoulder and catches my eyes. One corner of his mouth kicks up in a soft smile that I know is only ever just for me. Despite the bonfire, I feel the heat of a flush creep up my neck, so I tear my gaze away to stare back into the jumping orange flames.

The murmur of voices behind me reaches my ears, but I ignore it. Sticking my hands out, I let myself enjoy the fire’s warmth against my skin, feeling it bleed into my always-cold bones. A firm hand wraps around my neck and squeezes.

“Alright?” Benji asks softly.

I close my eyes just to bask in the moment. “Hmmm.”

Benji presses a distracted, soft kiss to my left temple. “You smell like bonfire.”

I tilt my head to look over at him. “Is that good?”

“Makes you smell wild,” Benji notes, eyes sparkling as he teases me.

“Better than drenched in sweat from a four-hour show.”

Benji’s cheeks flush crimson, and his eyes flit away. “Didn’t mind that so much.”

“Silly boy.” I kiss his red cheek, feeling the glowing skin under my lips.

Glancing over my shoulder, I spot Trevor and Eli heading toward us with their sugar daddies in tow. Trevor sends a smirk my way while Eli smiles softly, and that weird feeling in my chest erupts again. That odd feeling of belonging, despite many years of not feeling anything remotely close to it. Benji’s hand squeezes my neck once more before slipping under the hoodie to rest against the skin of my back. I lean into him as everyone gathers around the bonfire, teasing one another and having fun, and I feel oddly at home.

Benji hustles me into one of the camping chairs and supplies me with a wire hanger so that I can roast hot dogs. I glance over at the others to see how they do it, holding back a laugh when Trevor looks at Beau with a mixture of fond confusion and disgust as Beau readies his hot dog. Beau promptly thrusts it into the fire with a bashful grin.

I glance over at Benji to find him watching me, so I mimic what I just watched Beau do and feel delighted when I earn a happy little grin from Benji. A cold breeze blows over us, sending the heat of the fire away for a moment and leaving my bones cold, but I warm back up as Benji continues to stare at me with hearts in his eyes as I roast the hot dog.

“It’s just a hot dog,” I snap at him.

“You’re enjoying yourself,” Benji remarks.

He’s right, but I don’t feel like admitting it. “Who doesn’t enjoy hot dogs?”

“Me!” Eli pipes up. “They’re the leftover parts of the pig.”

Colby chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Baby, so is sausage.”

“What?” Eli asks, voice full of heartbreak.

“Just pretend no one said anything, Eli. It’s okay.” Trevor reaches over to fondly pat Eli’s head as Eli stares into the fire with a sort of glazed, terrified look in his eyes. “You broke him,” Trevor says to Colby.

Colby’s smile is bittersweet. “Sorry, baby.”

I pull the hot dog from the fire when it just starts to burn slightly, crinkled and gnarled around the edges. It’s hot, and my mouth fills with saliva from the rich flavor. God. It’s been forever since food just… tasted good. For so long, nothing had flavor, and everything was miserable. And I don’t think I realized just how sick my brain was until that fateful day on the balcony. The day I almost stole myself from the world, from Benji.

When I look over at Benji, he’s staring into the flames, a contented grin tugging at his lips, and there’s warmth splashed across his cheeks. He’s so effortlessly beautiful, so kind, and so very mine. If I can keep him. I want to tell him I love him, I want to scream it, I want to clutch his cheeks between my palms and tell him I’ll try my best to never hurt him again, but I can’t promise that I won’t. And the beautiful thing about Benji is that it would be more than enough for him; just the fact that I promised I would try is enough to make him think rainbows come out of my ass. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

I’ll be damned if I tell the man I love him at a fucking redneck bonfire, though.

With two men I’ve previously fucked sitting beside us, no less.

Benji speaks softly with Jackson beside him as he busies himself, roasting a marshmallow. Without even asking me or looking at me, he makes a s’more and then hands it to me. My fingers graze his as I take it, and he glances at me out of the side of his eyes, then returns to Jackson with that little, soft smile on his lips.

Okay, the s’more is way fucking better than the damn hot dog. Jesus Christ. I all but moan as I eat it, licking my fingers clean.

“Oh,” Harper says quietly. When I glance over at him, his cheeks are flushed as he stares at me. “That was pornographic.”

I wink at him. “It was a good s’more.”

“You should say the thing about the foursome to Jackson,” Harper whispers, an edge of trouble to his voice. He sits back in his chair hard as he eats his own hot dog. “I’d like to see it.”

“You’re trouble.”

Harper shrugs. “Maybe so. Do it.”

“Jackson?” I call out.

Jackson leans forward in his chair to look at me, one eyebrow raised. “Yeah?”

“We should have a foursome, me, Harper, Benji, and you.”

Jackson stares at me blankly for one long moment, jaw clenched, before he leans forward even more to look past me and straight at Harper. “Stop starting shit, punk.”

Harper grins at him. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Nolan,” Benji says with a laugh. “You guys are bad influences on each other.”

Benji leans over to kiss me, sighing softly at the taste of the s’more on my tongue, and I don’t think it’s too bad if that’s the response I get by starting something.

“So,” Harper asks as he leans over into my space. “Do you know any hot athletes?”

“Uhm.”

Harper groans. “Give me something.”

“Well, a few hockey guys came to one of my shows. Big fans I guess? This big guy Grayson, I wanted to climb him like a tree. I even hit on him, he just flushed and ignored me.”

“I’ll google him when I get home. When you say big, how big?”

I take a look over at Jackson, considering him. “Bigger than Jackson I think.”

Harper gasps and his eyes widen. “Really?”

I really like this guy. “For sure. Hockey players are a different breed.”

Harper smiles softly as his gaze flicks over to Jackson. “It’s okay, I like my basketball player.”

When the fire burns to embers, everyone disperses back to their homes. That night, when Benji curls around me as we fall asleep, I think I finally know what home is.