Page 14

Snakes, Strings and Shiny Things

K age chewed a wad of flavorless chewing gum and stood in the middle of his front yard with a beheaded snake still squirming in his tight grip.

The damn thing was poisonous, and he’d caught it making its way into the crawl space under his porch—otherwise, he would have let it be.

The hoe he’d used to chop it a few good times lay off to the side, covered in blood and serpent guts.

However, he had two snakes in his yard. One was dead, the other alive, though that could be changed at any moment.

A little man with thick bifocals stood before him in a tan jacket.

A shiny bald spot gleamed beneath the sun atop his head.

Smack dab in the middle of a crown of thinning dark brown hair; it was like a tonsure-wearing monk.

“So, you see, Mr. Wilde, that’s why I’m here. The property line when you bought this place was inaccurate, according to the original map.”

“That ain’t my problem,” Kage dropped the lifeless snake at the bastard’s feet, spit out the gum into the paper wrapper, balled it up tight and shoved it into his pocket to discard later.

“This is a bunch of bullshit, and you know it. I bought this land fair and square, and you pencil-necked jackasses keep tryin’ everything you can muster to toy with me.

Y’all have tried to buy it outright, y’all have lied about property lines—just like today—and y’all have tried to blackmail me. This is just another tactic.”

“Uh, Mr. Wilde, I’ve never spoken to you before. I’m not certain who you spoke with in the past, but I’m from the Piedmont County Department of—”

“I know where the hell you’re from. You already said it.

The point is, you’re all the same and I don’t give a damn if you’re from heaven, hell, or a hippo’s asshole.

You need to turn right ’round, get into your little government paid car, and skedaddle.

I worked my ass off to get this land, and the best decision I ever made was not tellin’ a soul when I bought it.

Nobody wanted it back then. It was run down with brush and a dumping ground.

I used a lot of money and manpower to get it set right, and then after I put all that blood, sweat and tears into it, here y’all come sniffin’ around. ”

The man cleared his throat and focused on the snake. “Sir, I’m just doing my job. Now, I need to go around and—”

“Hey, do you know how fast an M134 Minigun can shoot?”

“…Are you, are you threatening me, Mr. Wilde?” The man’s brows furrowed, and he tilted his head forward, ready to go as if he were a viable opponent.

“Tootsie Pop, I just asked you a question ’bout one of my favorite little toy guns.

” Kage smirked. “Ain’t nobody makin’ a threat against you.

I’m just brainstormin’ is all.” He leaned in close, forcing the man to take an unsteady step back.

“You know what? The look in your eye tells me somethin’.

You smell like your palm has been greased, and your ass has been bought and paid for, like a two dollar hooker.

Ohhhh, yes. Now it makes sense!” Kage chuckled.

“That Santa Claus lookin’ fucker better known as my grandfather sent you here, didn’t he?

He’s stirring the pot. Ol’ Cyrus the demon… Yeah… it was him…”

“Cyrus? Uh, I don’t know who you’re talking about. We actually—”

“Don’t lie to me. I could tell you were gettin’ ready to spin a tale, so let me stop you early.

Save you the embarrassment. I know a liar when I see one.

Averting eye contact. Shruggin’ your limp, girly shoulders.

I fuckin’ hate liars. You’re a coward, and not even man enough to admit the truth now that I’ve called you on it.

You’d think with that big ass crystal ball head of yours, you could’ve predicted this response from me. ”

The man’s eyes grew large and liquid.

“Regardless of what you believe, Mr. Wilde, your property is due to be surveyed.” He boldly met his glare.

“And you’re due for an ass kickin’. That man you claim to not know told y’all to come by and cause trouble, but did he also tell you I spent quite a bit of time in the funny farm for tryna kill him?

” The man took a sharp breath. “Or about the time I attended his big time gala, the annual Wilde Christmas party, and set every mothafuckin’ tree, wreath and stocking in that house on fire?

Hell, what am I talking about? You probably were there, seeing as how you’re the Elf on the Shelf!

Anyway, I was just a kid… imagine the shit I could get into now .

” The man’s complexion went white. “Relax, Peter Dinklage. I ain’t gonna bother you. Too many folks know that you’re here…”

“I don’t like the direction this conversation is going in, Mr. Wilde.”

“And I don’t like you , but here you still stand anyway.

All five inches of ya. Like I said, I ain’t gonna hurt cha.

I mean, it would be unfair… Look at me, and look at you .

” He smirked. “Hell, I could just blow on you and that alone would make your tiny tater-tot petite ass fly all the way over to England.”

The bastard mumbled something under his breath.

“Puffin’ your chest out like some lil’ kid refusing to respect his bedtime.

” Kage imitated him, sticking his chest out and making a menacing expression before falling into a fit of laughter.

Then, he suddenly stopped. “Get the fuck off my land before I change my mind about leavin’ you be.

” Kage took a step back, his eye still on the fool, then snatched the blood splattered hoe from the ground.

“You’re on private property. Next time, I might mistake you for a prowler and do you like I’d done this snake when you pulled up. ”

“Mr. Wilde, that’s it. The final straw. Now, I know that you’re upset, but you can’t speak to me any way you please, and I don’t care that I’m shorter and smaller than you. I’m still a man, and expect to be treated with respect! As a city employee, we take physical threats very seriously.”

“Don’t you part your lying pussy lips to talk to me about respect.

You came to me under false pretenses! Nothin’ about this is legit, Pinocchio, and I’m glad that you’re taking this seriously, because I need you take the beating you’re about to get if you don’t shut the fuck up and leave, seriously, too, motherfucker. ”

“You are taking your anger out on the wrong person!” He waved his little clipboard around. “I have—”

“…the vocal cords of a chihuahua. Your voice is so annoying.” He winced.

“I know I ain’t the only person to tell you that.

You sound like a turtle when you fuck your ol’ lady, don’t you?

” He chuckled. “You ever heard a turtle fuck before, dingleberry?” The man sighed, then huffed.

“Huh? I asked you a question, you lopsided walnut-headed son of a bitch. Still no answer? It’s hilarious.

About as funny as when your mama gave birth to you, but when you came out, she thought she shit herself.

Shoulda named you Turtle B.M. the Third.

No, Turtle B.M., the Turd!” Kage laughed his ass off.

“I’m writing this all up, keeping a record.” The man’s face was bright red as he furiously wrote. “Everything you said, and this entire exchange will be duly noted.”

“‘Will be duuuuuuuuuuuuly noted!’” Kage mocked in a cartoonish voice. “You Elmer Fudd lookin’ motherfucker. You used to get your ass rocked in high school, didn’t you?”

“Either you’re insane or unable to control your emotions. Either way, you made this harder than it had to be. The profane language and childish insults you’ve used for this entire conversation is also completely unnecessary.”

“So is your existence. Write it up, all of it. I don’t give a damn.

Just do me one favor: make sure you make a note in the report that you’re a corrupt and unethical government employee, that just so happens to also be a doppelg?nger for a rectal prolapse.

Cyrus Wilde paid you to harass an innocent man, and now you’ve fucked around and found out.

” Kage turned away, resisting the urge to lay hands on the piece of shit.

“Return here, Mr. Pewter, and you’ll have a blind date with a hoe, and I ain’t talkin’ about the girls on Bissonnet Track back in the day.

I’ll chop you up into bits with this here garden tool, but seeing as little as you are, only one chop would be needed to cut you down to size.

Now, you run along and have the day that you deserve. ”

“Mr. Wilde! Mr. Wilde!”

Kage entered his house, slammed the door and locked it.

He marched up the stairs, tearing off his shirt in the process. When he reached his bedroom, he tossed it on the bed then snatched his phone. His fingers burned as he pounded the digits he knew by heart.

“Hello, Kage!” came Grandpa’s phony, joyful voice. It sounded like the old man was out and about. Noise and chatter could be heard in the background. “How are you, dear grandson?”

“I’m just fine and dandy. Hey, let me holler at you for a quick second.”

“Certainly.”

“Send another one of your flyin’ monkeys out here, and he’s gonna end up like your two employees that got wrapped in cellophane and marked Grade A for beef.

Two down, and a third in my pocket. That motherfucker that worked for you, who was followin’ me around in the hardware store the other day like I wouldn’t notice his ass, fell on heart times.

He was so stupid that I overheard him on the phone proving what I suspected.

I put his dumb ass out of his misery. I’m just getting warmed up, so I suggest you not give me an excuse to turn into an inferno. ”