Page 8

CHAPTER 8

ELLA

S he was lost in the space between sleep and awake. The first blush of the dawn had not yet kissed the darkness good night. But she liked it here. In this space, she knew her name. The name her mother and father had given her. The name that held the truth to who she was. It sat at the end of her fingertips. She could grab it, swallow it down, and make it part of her. As she reached for it, someone tugged on her, pulling her from the darkness. She fought the hands that pulled her into the light.

“Ella?” someone called.

No, she screamed. That’s not my name. Stop calling me that. My name is… What is my name! She screamed into the emptiness. The darkness gave way to lightness, and Ella became Ella again. The tears of frustration ran down her cheek and into the shell of her ear. It had been right there.

“Ella, please.” Mrs . A stood above, shaking her.

“Stop,” Ella groaned, pushing Ailith’s hands away. Her head pounded, and her mouth felt as if the Sandman had filled it. The rest of her body was no better. Everything ached. “ What in Hel’s name happened last night?”

“You don’t remember?” Mrs . A touched Ella’s brow.

Ella brushed away Ailith’s hand, sitting up. “ I … I …” She stopped, sorting through the memories, searching for something. Anything . “ No .” The panic clawed at her throat. What if she forgot more? What if this life slipped away too? Everything she had worked so hard to hold on to would be gone. “ Oh gods, it’s happening again.”

“No, it’s not. Take a deep breath.” Ailith sat on the edge of the bed.

“No.” Ella tried to shake her memories loose. There was nothing, no scraps of yesterday. No conversations with guests, not even what she ate for her evening meal. They were all gone.

“Ella, look at me.” Mrs . A took her hand. “ Do you know who I am?”

“Yes, but what?—”

“Stop.” Mrs . A squeezed her hand. “ Mr . Tenebris said this might happen.”

“What?” Ella pulled her hand away, touching her forehead. Thankfully she knew who he was. “ What does Thane have to do with this?”

“You really don’t remember?” Mrs . A frowned. “ You accompanied Mr . Tenebris to Mr . McCoy’s . And , well, Mr . McCoy was dead. You found his body and fainted.”

“Dead?” Ella let the older woman’s words turn into memories.

“Yes. Mr . Tenebris said the old man’s heart must have given out. Such a sad thing. His poor wife. They were so close to finally leaving and letting their eldest son take over the…”

Ella didn’t hear the rest of Ailith’s words. Her mind worked quickly to knit together the loose strings that floated around. She and Thane had gone to Mr . McCoy’s house. Thane had been looking for something. As the images danced before her eyes, the strings snapped before they could be attached to others. “ I … uh… remember. I think?” Visions of Mr . McCoy lying in front of the fireplace rushed forward. The scotch he had been drinking spilled across the wooden planks when he collapsed. The panic faded as the rest of the night’s events played out. At least enough to calm her. “ I remember now.”

“See, nothing to worry about. It’s normal for the mind to sweep out bad memories. I brought your morning meal. A little tea, fresh bread, some sweet butter, and you’ll feel better in no time.” Mrs . A smeared the butter on the bread. “ Mr . Tenebris feels awful about what happened. If he had known, he would have never let you talk him into taking you with. Here , eat this.”

Ella did as she was told. The bread had no taste. There had been no reason for her to go with Thane . She’d had no interaction with Mr . McCoy . “ Why did I want to go with him?”

“I asked the same thing. Mr . Tenebris said you didn’t want to speak to a young man named Albert . Ella , I understand that Albert is not the most handsome man. And can be a bit boorish. But you cannot get out of giving him an answer by running off with another man. And since we are on the subject, I don’t think you should be seen with any man unchaperoned. Mr . Hanson said you and William seemed very cozy the other day. You left Sissy to do your work and now this. I don’t know what has gotten into you.” Mrs . A clicked her tongue, shaking her head. “ You’re lucky Mr . Tenebris has agreed to keep your name out of it. Think of the scandal. People already talk about you. If anyone finds out you were alone with Mr . Tenebris , well, it wouldn’t be good.”

Ella set the bread down, taking a sip of tea. The last thing she wanted to discuss was Albert or William . Ella twisted the bracelet around her wrist. “ Mr . Hanson needs to mind his own—” Ella stopped, looking to her wrist. “ It’s gone!”

Ailith frowned. “ Child , what are you talking about?”

“One of my bracelets is missing.” Ella pulled back the sleeve of her tunic as if it had somehow slid up her arm. She looked at her other wrist.

“Are you sure? It must have fallen off.” Ailith pulled the blankets back.

“No, they cannot come off.” Ella jumped from the bed, tearing the blankets off and throwing the pillows on the floor. She ran her hands over the bed, searching for the gold bangle. They and the black ball gown were the only things she had that proved she had been someone else. If someone came looking for her, they’d ask to see proof. “ I have to find it. If they come, they’ll ask to see them. Help me!”

“Who?” Mrs . A watched Ella frantically search her room.

“Them. My family. My friends. People who know me. They’ll want proof.” Tears burned the back of her throat. As much as she tried to tell herself to let go, she couldn’t. She wanted to be found, to be remembered. She wanted that golden room.

“Ella, stop this.” Ailith grabbed Ella’s arms. “ Listen to me.”

Ella searched the floor around them, looking for a hint of gold. She had it yesterday, didn’t she? She searched her mind for memories of it while she washed dishes or pulled weeds from the berry patch. They had become such a part of her, like an arm or finger, that she never noticed them. Until one was missing.

“Ella.” Ailith shook her. “ Enough . It’s time to let go. Whoever gave you those is never coming back. They’re not searching for you. It’s time to let go of this silly idea that your past will catch up with you. You will be twenty-eight in a few short weeks. You are too old to believe in fairy tales. You should have children to tend to. A husband to worry about.”

Ella pulled away from Mrs . A . “ A husband? Children ? I don’t want those things. I don’t want this life.” Ella snapped her mouth shut. She regretted saying those things when she saw the hurt in Ailith’s eyes. But it was true. She didn’t yearn to be a mother like Sissy . Or see it as her duty like Lillian . Tears started to fall. “ I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did. And that is why you still flutter around here with silly ideas of someone rescuing you. There is no one. It’s time to grow up and face the facts that this is your life now. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll settle and be happy.”

“Happy? Would you be happy if you woke up one morning and didn’t remember Lillian or your life? If you couldn’t recall something as simple as your name? Would that make you happy?”

Ailith huffed a breath. “ How would I know those things existed if I couldn’t remember? The life you have in your head is not the life you lived. When we found you, your lip had been crudely sewn up with stitching thread. Your body was bruised. At night you were afraid to fall asleep, saying she would get you. Why would you want to go back to that?” Mrs . A’s frustration came out in sharp tones.

Those pieces had faded in the time since Ella had been here. Back then there had been no man in her dreams, just white and death. As her body and mind healed, a regret started to grow in her. She never gave much thought to it because she couldn’t regret a decision she couldn’t remember. But perhaps she had misread the feeling, and it wasn’t regret she felt but wistfulness for a life she never had. “ I’ll never be certain until I know.” Ella stepped away. “ I know you all think I’m foolish. But how can I build a life when the foundation isn’t there?”

“By building a new foundation. You have friends and family here. You have people who love you and want what’s best for you. Who have never abused you. I should have never let Sissy fill your head with such notions. You both need to let go of these childish dreams of some great love.” Ailith pressed her lips into a thin line as she picked up the discarded pillows. “ We are not living in some fairy tale. If you want to be rescued, you must do that yourself.” Mrs . A looked around the room, at the clothes flung on the floor. It was the room of a silly girl, not a grown woman. Ella felt a bit ashamed.

Mrs. A continued. “ In a few months, I will be gone, and I don’t want to be worrying about you. A husband will protect and provide for you. Children will bring you joy and fulfillment.”

Ella stepped away, shaking her head. She knew so little about herself. But marrying William or Albert , or anyone, for that matter, went against what she did know. “ What do I need protection from? And I will not find joy in children. I’d rather live under a bridge than be forced into motherhood.”

“Ella. You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do,” she cried. “ I was once loved very much. I feel that knowledge so deep, my bones ache with it. And if you believe that is silly, I shall pack my things and leave tomorrow.”

“I cannot stop you from leaving or making a terrible decision.” Mrs . A paused. “ But before you go and live under a bridge, you need to take a hard look at what you’re saying. You have no formal education that we can tell. Your skills as a maid are lacking. No family will hire a maid who can’t mend a button on a shirt. And we are not a family of means, nor do we have a standing within the wealthier society for you to flitter around here, spouting off about love. If you don’t want to marry, so be it. But you will have to work, my dearest, either as a wash maid in a brothel or in a sanatorium for the rest of your days. Those are the choices for a woman in your position.”

Ella flopped down on the bed. Everyone believed it so simple to just move on. Build a new life with no foundation. William did. Lillian and Ailith did. If they all thought this life was so forgettable, then they weren’t doing it right. Because Ella’s old life had deep roots and didn’t want to be forgotten.

Ailith smoothed Ella’s hair back. “ I know this is hard for you. But at some point, all women have to do things that make them unhappy. And marriage is the lesser of two evils. Now get some rest. We will talk more when you are feeling better.”

Ella said nothing as Ailith quietly closed the door. The room was a mess of blankets, pillows, and dirty clothes. She was meant for more than laundry and cleaning up others’ messes. For marrying a man like Albert . Wasn’t she?

“Ella?” Sissy’s muffled voice called through the door. “ Can I come in?”

“Yes.” Ella stood and started piling the blankets and pillows back on her bed. Right now her main concern was locating her bracelet, not a husband.

“I came to check on you. And bring you these.” Sissy stepped in, carrying a small bouquet of wildflowers. “ You have a secret admirer.”

“Really?” Ella took the bouquet and pressed it to her nose. “ I wonder who?”

The maid shrugged. “ If I had to guess, it was probably William . He was here this morning. He wanted to see you, but Mrs . A said you were not well. Albert sent a messenger inquiring about your response to his request. Mr . Tenebris also asked to see you. But again Mrs . A said no. You are very popular amongst the men of Riverton ,” Sissy teased. “ Are you okay? I heard you and Mrs . A fighting.”

Ella put the flowers in the water pitcher. “ I’m fine.”

“I wasn’t eavesdropping, but you know you can’t marry Albert , right? He’s not meant for you.”

Ella smiled at Sissy . The fluff in Sissy’s head was what made Sissy who she was. And a husband should love that about her. Not want to break her of it. “ Don’t let Mrs . A hear you.”

Sissy scrunched up her nose. “ She thinks I have a head full of dandelion fluff. I don’t.”

“Yes, Sis , I know. But I fear she is right about us. About me. Marriage seems to be my only out.”

Sissy sat down next to Ella . “ What if Mr . Tenebris asked you to marry him. Would you?”

Ella thought for a moment. “ He wouldn’t?—”

“Pretend he did,” Sissy cut in. “ Would you not marry the very handsome Thane Tenebris ? I think you two would make a stunning couple. I can almost picture your wedding.” Sissy stood and walked over to the flowers. “ You’d be dressed in a gown made of the finest silk. It would be the color of the dawn. A blush of pink. And Mr . Tenebris , tall, dark, and broody in a suit so black the night sky would be envious. And there would be so many flowers. And a field of lavender. It would be in your hair and your bouquet. I can almost smell it. And you’d love him. And he you.”

Ella closed her eyes, letting Sissy’s words paint the scene. The sky bruised with night. The stars watching them. “ You’d be there. Dressed in a gossamer gown so thin it looks like smoke.” She smiled at the thought of Thane , his hair still a tangled mess, and he’d kiss her with that perfect mouth of his. They would live out their days somewhere warm and filled with all the things she desired.

“Of course I’d be there.” Sissy sat back down next to Ella . “ Tell me that doesn’t sound perfect.”

Ella looked down at her hand, the bracelet still missing. “ All dreams are perfect, Sissy . That’s why they are dreams.” As much as she wanted Sissy’s story to be real, the truth was Thane would be leaving soon. He’d move to the next small village or city, searching the faces for his lost love.

Sissy rested her head on Ella’s shoulder. “ It will happen, Ella . I feel it in my bones. You will marry for the greatest love known to man. I promise. But first we may have to work on your cleaning skills. Why is your room such a mess?” Sissy lifted her head.

Ella laughed. “ I lost a bracelet.”

“Really?” Sissy took Ella’s arm, looking at it. “ That’s odd.”

“Is it?” As much as Ella wished that somewhere there was a man waiting for her, the truth was it had been a year. And as Thane said, too much time had passed. Whoever loved her would have moved on. Found a new love. And so Ella must do the same.

“Yes.” Sissy stood, surveying the room. “ They mean something. Now let’s get this cleaned up. If Mr . Tenebris sees this, he might think twice about a wedding in a field.”

Ella stood and hugged Sissy . “ Whatever happens, promise you’ll always be my friend.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I want to watch you get that happy ending.”

As much as Ella wanted there to be more between her and Thane or her losing her bracelet to have some deeper meaning, there wasn’t.

She was just a girl like any other.