Page 34 of The Enemy’s Defector (Ivanov Syndicate #3)

KATERINA

I woke up with the feeling of a cloud being lifted off me.

Hearing Nik tell me that he loved me changed me. As sappy as it sounded, that simple declaration of love shifted what we shared.

I sighed, unable to hold in this pure joy that filled me. I wasn’t stuck or worried. For the first time in my life, I truly felt hopeful and optimistic.

“There is no way you had enough hours of sleep to sound that happy and peppy.” Nik rolled over, hugging me so tightly that he maneuvered me to lie on top of him.

Not once did he open his eyes. Squinting them shut tight, with that stubborn lock of brown hair flopping over his brow, he looked sexy and adorable, so sleepy.

I couldn’t help but laugh lightly as I snuggled against his warm, hard chest.

“How are you even awake after all the ways I kept you up last night?” he asked, stroking his big hand over my back.

“I’m just in a good mood.”

“I can tell. That was an epic sigh of satisfaction.”

“Well, you satisfy me.”

He peered at me with one eye open. “I aim to please.”

Leaning up to kiss him, I reveled in the freedom to do that and know it was an act of love, not just something that would lead to more sex.

“All right. What gives? You’re acting weird.”

I laughed again. “I’m just happy. You said you love me.”

He raised one arm to rest it behind his head, keeping his other hand on my back to hold me close. “I do. I always have.” He furrowed his brow. “Why are you acting like that’s some rare, new discovery?”

“You never told me that before.” I couldn’t stop smiling. “I mean, I never told you either. I’d hoped and dreamed and fantasized, but we’d never actually told each other that.”

While he looked pensive and deep in thought, he didn’t seem upset about what I was pointing out. Nor did he look happy. Just confused. “But how could you not have known that?” He chuckled now, as if it were a silly thought. “We got married. We had sex. We’ve always been… us.”

“In hindsight, yeah. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and worried that you didn’t.”

“What?” He sat up more, helping me shift so I would still lie on him but more to the side. “What conclusions?”

“When I told you that I was pregnant and you proposed, you worded it like you wanted to marry me because of the baby.”

“I did.”

“That you only wanted to marry me because of the baby, not because you loved me.”

Letting out a long sigh, he stared at me like I’d hurt him with my words. “Katerina…”

“I know. Like I said, I let it get to my head. You kept saying it was all about the baby, to bring him or her here where they could be guarded behind this fortress and be safe and?—”

“Both of you,” he corrected, pointing out the obvious.

“Yes. But look at it from my perspective. I ran from my ‘family’. I learned that my relative killed my father. I had no one. I was wanted for defying him and had no safe place to go. Those first days when we were hiding together, I was so hopeful that I could have a future and place with you. I kept waiting and wishing for you to come out and say, hey, be with me, please.”

“And there I was, going on and on about needing to find out who ordered my capture.”

I nodded, but I cupped his face and kissed him gently. “Yes. I don’t blame you. I understand your need to protect and get answers. That’s why I understand you’ll be away at meetings and working on that same thing now that you’re home and have more resources.”

“I didn’t realize you were seeking direction with me.”

I had to smile at his sheepish expression. “It’s not like I didn’t know what you were like already. You and your brothers have never been the kind of men to date exclusively or show any interest in committing to a woman.”

“That’s not an excuse,” he argued.

“No. It’s not, but I know what I’m dealing with when it’s you. That’s why I can sigh like this. That’s why I’m so happy. It might seem little to you, but I feel like my broken-up life can start over as something new now. You don’t only care about our child. You love me.”

“If it means that much to you, I’ll say it every single minute.” He gave me a long, hard kiss. “I thought I could show you, not tell you, but if it makes you happy…”

“ You make me happy. And with time, others will come around and welcome me here too.”

“Yeah? How’s it going with Lucy and Sloane?”

“Good. Lucy is working on it, but Sloane is great. Joann being here helps—thank you for that, by the way. And I also spoke with Anastasia. They’re helping me have hope that I’ll be fully accepted one day.”

He kissed me again, cuddling. “Hey, you mentioned my father last night. You said you talked to him and asked if I had.”

I nodded, tracing my finger over the coarse hair on his chest. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you ask if I’d talked to him?”

“Because I wondered if he might have told you something about what I talked about with him.”

He shook his head.

“Oh.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. “Um, well, he remembered something specific about me. Back when you and your brothers were taken.”

“That’s a long time ago,” he said with a frown. “With the damage he’s faced after the poison, you can’t trust his memory anymore.”

“I understand. But this is something that I remember as well. That few people know. He recalled how I used to be so curious about Beatrice. When I was young, I was so fascinated by her. She was a mother. And I didn’t have one, so I was curious what she was like, what mothers were like.”

He grunted. “Oh, so you remember how cool and indifferent she was toward us.”

I nodded. “Yes. I remember that, and I think that was part of why I was so fascinated by her. I was curious why she wouldn’t be a loving parent like my father was to me.

I tagged along after her, and I watched her, and it probably bordered more on nosiness, but I was so invisible that she never noticed.

I tagged after her so much that I saw her kissing other men.

I was the first one to rat on her to Grigory, just blurting a comment about that to him one day. ”

“I guarantee you that he already knew or suspected.”

“Probably. But when you three brothers were taken and no one knew where you were, I was still observant of her. I was still curious, and I ended up overhearing enough of what she said to others that I figured out where you might have been held. So, I told Grigory, and he was able to locate you in time.”

He stared at me for a long moment.

“I was the one who tipped Grigory to find you.”

Smiling sadly, he leaned in to kiss me long and deep. “You?”

I nodded.

“That’s twice you saved my life, then.”

“I didn’t realize we were keeping count.”

He shook his head. “You’re… unbelievable. You tipped him off so we could be saved.”

“Yes. I didn’t even tell my father. I went straight to Grigory, worried about you. But he must have told my father because I remember him telling me that he was proud of me and also to warn me never to tell anyone about it. He seemed worried that I’d be targeted. Like a snitch, I guess.”

“So only you, my father, and your father knew?”

“Yes. My father specifically told me not to tell Anton, too. He never knew. My father took that secret to the grave, and your father admitted that the memory came back to him.”

“You kept this a secret from me,” he accused lightly. “How could you have never told me?”

“Because it was so long ago. Because it wouldn’t have changed anything. You were found and saved. Grigory clearly dealt with Beatrice. And that was the end of it. I didn’t hear anything about who could’ve set it up, just where you were.”

“But if Maxim and the others knew…”

“They might not be so quick to assume I’m an enemy, huh?” I smiled slyly. “That’s been on my mind, but I doubted that anyone would believe me now. With Grigory saying it, though, maybe that will make the case stronger.”

“It’s bullshit that anyone would doubt your willingness to help us in the first place,” he said wryly. “After all you’ve done…”

“And I’d do more. Whatever it takes to be a real part of this family, Nik. I know the way I handled that marriage arrangement cast suspicion around me, but…” I shrugged. I wouldn’t take back the decision I’d made.

“I know, Katerina. I know.” He kissed my brow. “But soon, there won’t be a reason for anyone to worry about you reporting to Anton as a spy.”

“How come?” Hope burned brighter at the first thought that came to my mind.

“Because he’ll be dead.” He furrowed his brow. “Without your contribution,” he warned.

I had to sigh at that disappointment. It only felt right to be able to kill him myself after all he’d done to destroy my life and try to sabotage my future.

“We’ve been discussing how to take him out, to end them all.”

I nodded, numb to the fact that he was describing killing the people I’d once shared a name with.

“I’m not telling you that you can’t be a part of this operation because I want to control you,” he said gently yet seriously, “but because I can’t live with you and our child being that close to physical danger. If you can live with my killing him for you?—”

“No.” I put my hand on his cheek again. “I understand. And that’s just one more way I know you really do love me and know who I am. I want to be there to see that deed done, but I respect that you want me safe.” I kissed him. “I realize I can’t help.”

“Not like that. I won’t lie and give you false hope that you can be the one to kill him, but I wouldn’t turn down your offer to help in any other way.”

I brightened. “Really? How?”

He chuckled, getting out of bed with me. “You could hack into the surveillance and help us get a better look at what Anton’s doing.”