Page 144 of The Dead Ex

‘That’s none of yourbusiness,’ I snap.

There’s a nod. ‘You’re right. The thing is, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have. And that’s why I’d like to offer you a monthly allowance, or an annual one, if you’d prefer that.’

What? ‘You think you can buy me off to ease your own conscience?’ I stand up, facing Vicki head on. ‘I don’t want your money. I’m not going to pursue David for it either because I don’t wanthim in our lives. I’ve got a regular job with accommodation. We’ll manage, my daughter and I. We’re a team.’

For a minute I think of the photograph again and the ‘Looking For’ ads. It would have been nice to have found my grandparents. But maybe I have to accept that a resolution like that only happens in fairy tales. At least Hope is real.

‘I see.’ Vicki Goudman flushes. ‘Of course. I … I justthought I’d ask. I’m sorry I’ve offended you.’

To my relief, she turns to go. But at the doorway, she stops. ‘Good luck with your baby. Something tells me you’re going to be a great mother.’

And then she finally goes, leaving just a faint scent of lavender in the room.

65

Vicki

24 January 2019

David is in Dartmoor prison. It’s spooky. You have to go for miles through the moor past wild ponies and stony tors. Then suddenly you come to this scary stone castle-like building with a sign on the arch that reads ‘Parcere Subjectis’. Apparently, it’s Latin for ‘Spare the vanquished’. In other words, be kind to prisoners. Does David really deserve that, I wonder.

I follow the officer down stone steps and feel my blood chill. You can sense the ghosts: men who’d been brought here over the years since Napoleonic times.

And now my ex-husband is one of them. It didn’t take the jury long to convict him of his role in my attempted murder. He might not have instructed Jackie to do it but he’d finally admitted to telling her that he wished I was dead.

The visitors’room is surprisingly pleasant, with modern chairs and tables. To be honest, I was amazed that my ex agreed to see me. But now here he is, being brought in by an officer. He looks like his old charming self. Somehow he actually manages to suit the serge prison uniform.

‘Vicki,’ he says, stretching out a hand as if we are old friends. I am taken aback. There’s no sign of remorse. No guilt. We couldalmost be friends, meeting up at a cocktail party.

‘No touching,’ snaps a prison officer. Too late. The feelof my ex’s flesh makes my stomach contents curdle. Quickly, I step away.

‘Only trying to be civilized,’ says David. He looks around at the other men and for a minute I see the fear in his eyes. ‘I like to keep up my standards in a place like this.’

If he’s expecting polite conversation,he can forget it.

‘Do you know why I’m here?’

He spreads his hands in ayou tell meway.

Tears fill my eyes. ‘I have to know how you could have caused the death of our child. You loved it. You wanted to be a father.’

I need to face him. See the man who took away my son.Ourson.

He leans towards me over the table. His face is now deadly serious. ‘I did want to be a father, believe it or not.’

‘Because you thought it would add to your credibility?’

‘No. Not just that.’

A haunted expression comes into his eyes. ‘I thought it would be a chance to start again. Get it right this time. Be there at the beginning. I didn’t tell Jackie to attack you.’

‘Don’t.’ I feel my voice rising and have to fight to keep it down or else they might make me leave. ‘Jackie was wrong, but you said you wishedI was dead.’

‘Look, Vicki.’ That charm has gone now. His eyes are hard. His voice tough. ‘It’s your fault for not being a loyal wife. If you’d helped me out of that sticky financial patch I was going through, none of this would have happened.’

‘You really mean that, don’t you?’ Tears are running down my face. ‘You’re a bastard, David. You’re not just evil. You’re selfish. Look what you’ve doneto me.’

‘And look whatyoudid to Zelda Darling! You were soconvinced it was her who attacked you that you didn’t consider the possibility of it being anyone else.’