Page 128 of The Dead Ex

My mouth is bone dry. ‘Yes but I didn’t mean it.’

‘Why did you write it, then?’

‘Because I was hurt. Angry. Upset.’

‘Enough to murder her?’

‘No! I’ve already said that I didn’t do it.’ I intendsaying this in a reasonable manner. But the prosecution’s needling approach has upset me, and it comes out so loud I see the judge flinch.

‘Can you tell us more about how you felt when your ex-husband told you he was in love with Tanya, who was then his PA?’

She sounds almost sympathetic even though the prosecution is not on my side. I find myself telling the courtthings that I hadn’t donewhen my own defence had asked me to tell my story. ‘It was when he said he loved her. I could have coped with lust, but this was different. I begged him to stay, but he wouldn’t. He packed a bag and left, saying … saying he had no use for me now.’

The jury is gripped.

‘What did he mean by that?’

‘I asked him the same question.’ I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. ‘He said that mystatus as a prison governor had given him standing. Now I was no one. He also said that … that a baby would have “sealed” it. But because I’d lost our child, we were finished too.’

Several members of the jury shake their heads.

‘Did you feel betrayed?’

‘Yes. But I kept hoping,’ I add, ‘that the grief from the loss of our child might have made him act in this way. I still loved him. I couldn’tbelieve he was leaving me. So I left the door open, as it were.’ Tears are blurring my eyes. ‘It’s why I kept ringing him. Letting him know when I moved each time.’

The prosecution’s tone now becomes steely. ‘Did you ever threaten to kill him?’

‘No! Of course not.’

‘We’ve already heard that during your marriage, your husband asked you to sign a document declaring you were buying a house for$3.4 million in the States. You refused because you “hadn’t seen the house and because he was buying it in cash”.’

I nod.

‘You also said that you believed he was “using my status to hide any wrongdoings” and that you had “prisoners inmy care who were in for money laundering. One way of getting rid of dirty money was to purchase houses with it.” ’

‘That’s right.’

‘So your husband’s behaviourcould have been professionally damaging to your career. I put it to you that you took out your anger at him on his wife.’

‘No. That’s not true.’

But I can see the seed of doubt has been planted in the jurors’ minds.

I take a sip of water. My knees will barely hold me up. I’m not sure how much more I can take of this. And then I see him.

It can’t be. I have to be imagining this, just as I imaginedhim going up the escalator that time. My mind has to be playing tricks. This man, who is the spitting image of my ex-husband, is sidling up to the prosecution bench and whispering to the team. One of them passes a note to the barrister examining me. Her face tightens.

‘Mrs Goudman, do you recognize this man who has just come in?’

I begin to shake violently. ‘He looks like my ex-husband.’

‘Louderplease – with his precise name.’

‘David Goudman. My ex-husband.’

As I speak, he looks directly at me. There is no doubt this time. Where the hell has he been?

The jury is electrified.