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They didn’t speak for a half hour. Hollis just stared at the ground.

He wiped their nose with the sleeve of their coat and leaned back into the hollow.

I don’t know what to say, Walt.

Hollis.

Everything bad that’s ever happened to everyone I know...

I know.

I can’t even be like “Oh, how come you didn’t tell me?” because I know why you didn’t say anything. I get it.

Walt didn’t respond, but Hollis could hear him thinking, hear him worry.

You understand now why I... can’t. Why I don’t deserve you.

Yeah, I get why you feel that way too.

Hollis wiped their face again.

Stop fucking making us cry, I’m not going to turn into Sam, but I don’t feel like crying for you right now.

I’m sorry.

What happened with Toji. Did you ever see him again?

Walt shook their head.

I looked him up once, just to see how he was doing, back in the 1960s, but he’d already passed. Y’know he didn’t even live in Rose Town anymore when he came to pick up his cash? He’d moved to Chicago. We just never managed to run into each other again.

Hollis sighed, rubbed their temples.

He hugged me though, right there in the middle of the street. In the body of that street sweeper. Let me cry and apologize and say goodbye even though I was getting his suit all dirty and people were looking hard.

He knew I was weak; he got it. He’s better than me, always will be.

I get why looking at Annie fucks you up now, I guess.

I didn’t expect his family to still be here. That hurt me worse than his eyes in her head. Toji might have gotten out, but he either moved back for some reason, or he was the only one who ever got to leave.

Ninety-two years, huh?

Hollis dug in their pocket and pulled out the pack of cigarettes. There were only four left.

I understand this now too. Fucking need one after that fucking shit.

Walt took their arms and face.

I can do it myself.

It means something when you do it for me. I don’t want this to ruin that.

Hollis huffed.

And this situation is what it takes for you to admit that? You’re a fucking asshole.

Walt smoked in silence, wiping his own nose and face when he needed it. The night sky was turning purple. Not dawn, but close to it. The stars were harder to see.

Why are we still out here, Hollis?

I had things I wanted to do to you that would make you too loud to keep in my house. But now I’m too angry for that.

Walt tapped ash and shook his head, dragged a hand through Hollis’s hair.

What now, Walt? What do you want to do now?

Walt shrugged.

If you don’t mind me working rough, I can pick someone up at the bus stop. Someone not from here and ride them to Rose Town. You can be yourself by the time the sun’s high in the sky. Swing by Yulia’s, green-eyed and pretty.

That was it.

Hollis stood. He took a few steps from the hollow and then turned his head up to the sky, furious.

Is that what you want? To leave me? That’s what you want, more than anything?

It’s what I came here to do. Not leave you, Hollis, but to eventually go back to Rose Town. I’ve overstayed my welcome long enough. I have to pay my debts.

You’re such a coward, Walt. This is so fucking convenient.

What?

Hollis closed their eyes and crouched in the grass.

You did something selfless, got scared and ran. Did something selfless again for Toji, then got scared and ran. Spent ninety-two years doing something selfless, then ran home to Rose Town. Then you met me. And you think you’re changing, turning over a new leaf to go find your eternity door or whatever the fuck, but you’re just running again.

You came to this town and you found out that it’s the same as when you left it. All of us are still poor and struggling and eating fruit from hundred-year-old trees. You stood in my pantry and tried not to weep at the sight of it. You spent a month fixing a home fifty years younger than you are, and I know what that means now, I do.

But you came home to Rose Town, and you found me . And I’m a part of this place, and we fit. And I scare you.

You scare me because you keep doing things I don’t—

“Don’t say it, Walt, don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Because you and I both know you like it. We like it,” Hollis snapped out loud.

I scare you because for the first time in ninety-two years, this isn’t about anyone else, it’s about you. You’re not on a stage, you’re not in a house, you’re with me, and I can see you and I’m not screaming.

You don’t know what to do with that, so you want to run, and I’m not pissed off that you’re scared. It’s okay to be scared. But running from that to go die isn’t any different from what you’ve been doing for the past hundred years.

You have no idea what I—You don’t know what it felt like! You don’t know how bad it was, how could you say that to me?!

Walt pushed them to the ground. Their anger doubled in the way Walt warned him it would and it made them feel reckless. Walt flipped them flat on their back, pinned their wrists to the ground. Hollis pushed against it, struggling. Hollis was so fucking furious, he could barely see. Everything was black, and Walt was winning.

FUCK YOU, WALT. YOU’RE A GODDAMN COWARD. You didn’t learn anything!

Stop saying that! Stop it!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.

Shut up, stop saying that!

Hollis couldn’t handle this sanctimonious fucking martyr bullshit. So fucking lost in his own head he couldn’t fucking figure out how to handle what was in front of him. Drowning Hollis’s body with his yearning and his sorrow and his shyness and all of these things, like Hollis wouldn’t fucking feel it every day and didn’t know him. How could he act like Hollis didn’t know him? How could he—

“Why can’t you just fucking want me back? Is this really that bad?” Hollis screamed into the woods. “Am I worse than death? I fucking need you! Is staying with me worse to you than death?”

Walt immediately stopped fighting and let go of their wrists, horrified.

No, Hollis, no no no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.

How could you think I would be okay hearing you act like you don’t mean anything to anyone. How many times do I have to choose you, over and over again, before you understand? I thought we were on the same page with this shit, I thought—

Hollis, I understand, but you need to understand me too. You need to listen. I don’t think you understand how much all of this scares me. I’m scared because you make me feel small. I’m scared because your friends don’t recognize you anymore. I’m scared because it isn’t a good life, the kind you’d live with me. You deserve more than this, you deserve more than me , and I don’t deserve anything at all. You’re not worse than death, Hollis.

Don’t you ever think that again. I don’t feel that way about you, but I’m scared .

They curled on their knees, forehead to the frozen ground, hands clasped tight beneath them. Hollis breathed steam out into the cold air. Listened, really listened and thought.

Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s not about me. We... we just met. This has been something important for you for a long time, and it’s not fair for me to just... act like everything is going to change just because I showed up one day.

Walt filled Hollis’s eyes with his own tears, and Hollis let them wet the ground.

But is it so bad that I wish I could? I know it doesn’t work this way, but I wish I could love you big enough to make you happy in a way that sticks. I’m not an idiot, I know these things don’t work like that.

Walt sobbed.

I can’t have more bad things happen because of me, Hollis. I can’t take it anymore, I just want it to be over.

Hollis curled an arm around them.

It’s okay to want that. It’s okay to feel that way. Yulia likes to say, “You don’t want to die, you’re just very sad right now,” and she’s mad as fuck at us, but she’s right. Yeah, you can’t take it anymore, you want it to be over, you’re scared because you think you’re hurting me and ruining me, but I’m not the one who’s crying.

You have a lot of problems, and I can’t claim to know every last one of them. But if we went down the line and solved them one by one, would you still want to die?

What?

They were getting too cold. Hollis sat them back up. He walked them to the hollow and nestled in before he continued.

If you knew you weren’t hurting me. If my friends got used to us. If we figured out how to fix Rose Town and completed the terms of our original contract. If you got the chance to redeem yourself and give back to the community afterward. Hell, if you got a chance to learn more about Toji from Annie and figure out if he had as good of a life as you intended him to, would you still want to die?

I... I don’t know. I’m not sure, maybe not. But I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it like that.

Hollis pressed their hands against the walls of the hollow, trying to get some warmth back into their cramping fingers.

We can also go on meds if that helps. Antidepressants. Who’s to say they’ll work on my brain, but we can always give it a try. I don’t mind figuring that out, if it’s for you.

Walt was quiet, Hollis could hear him thinking, feel him turning this over in the back of their head.

You don’t have to tell me an answer today or anything. I just want you to know that I’m willing to work with you on this. You’re not alone anymore; we’re together in this. We’ll figure it out.

I promise.