Page 18

MERIT

I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. But, ready or not, here they come.

They . Meaning all of them.

The entire family. Even Nate’s parents are coming today.

I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering why I bothered with makeup. It’s not like I have anyone to impress. Plus, it’s a thousand degrees outside. It’s going to melt off my face like butter on a pancake.

Huh. A blueberry pancake would taste really good right about—

“Hey.”

Holt knocks on the open door, making me jump a mile.

He’s not wearing a shirt. So, of course, that’s super damn distracting. His tanned skin is tinged pink, and his muscles glisten with sweat. His blue swim trunks match the deep color of his eyes. And when he lifts his arm and flips his baseball cap around backward, I nearly lady jizz in my shorts.

But it’s the soft, loving smile on his face that really does something to me. It warms me, thawing me from the inside-out.

“You look beautiful. I love it when you wear green. It makes your eyes look different.”

I tug at the hem of my sleeveless green maternity top. Ruffles cascade down the body of it, hiding some of the width of my stomach. I don’t have many pregnancy clothes. Mom found this shirt for me on the clearance rack at the discount outlets near the beach. Clearing my throat, I pull my ponytail tighter, making sure the hair is off my neck.

“I just wanted to check on you. The ribs are on the smoker, and everybody is swimming, hanging out.” I watch in the mirror’s reflection as he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth. “Are you ready?”

I glance back at myself. I’m definitely second-guessing my decision to wear makeup. Am I really trying to make myself look good for Holt? For him and his family? Even though my fuchsia lipstick looks fantastic with this top, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m giving in, that I’m breaking. Grabbing a tissue, I haphazardly wipe my lipstick away. I toss the pink mess in the trash can and spin on my heels. “I’m always ready, sir .”

Unfortunately, my confidence doesn’t last very long. By the time, I step onto the back patio, I’m a nervous wreck. This is way worse than the first time I met everyone. Way, way worse. When Holt grabs my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine, I know I should push him away.

But I can’t.

The pathetic truth is… I want his touch.

I need his strength.

I wish that wasn’t the case, but it is. Knowing what I need, Holt gives my hand a firm squeeze.

And just like the first time, all heads pivot in my direction, cementing me to the ground like a deer in the headlights. The summer sun beats down on my head, making my scalp sizzle like bacon.

Bacon…that would pair nicely with those blueberry pancakes.

Teresa’s gasp draws my attention, and she immediately races over to us. “Oh, Merit!” Her eyes fill with tears. Unashamed by her emotions, they spill down onto her cheeks, and she doesn’t even bother to wipe them away. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s so good to see you.”

Without warning, she throws her arms around me, wrapping me in a hug. She holds me tightly, like she’s afraid I’m going to run away. For a split second, I think about it too. Running might make things easier.

But then I take a deep breath. And I smell her.

That wonderful, comforting mom scent weakens my knees. It’s like a mix of light perfume and sunscreen and cookie dough.

Before I even know what’s happening, I’m hugging her back. My face falls against the side of her neck, and I can’t stop the flow of my own tears. And when she starts to rub my back in small circles and whisper words of encouragement in my ear, I really lose my shit.

I’m not sure how long we stand there, cradling and comforting each other, but it has to be for a while. I know that because I hear a few of the other women sniffling.

Well, this is just great.

My big plans to flaunt around the party, proving how great I’m doing without all of them in my life is failing. Epically.

Eventually, she pulls away, giggling through a happy sob. “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I ruined your makeup.”

Smiling, Holt hands me a small towel. “It’s okay. She didn’t really wanna wear makeup today anyway. She hates it when it sweats off,” he says with a charming wink.

Of course, he’s right.

She shakes her head, scanning me from head to toe. “You’re even more beautiful than the last time I saw you. If that’s even possible.” She nods at my stomach, her hand excitedly hovering in the air. “I… I…” she stutters over her words and forces her hand back to her side.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know she’s dying to touch me.

Handing the makeup-covered towel back to Holt, I reach down and grab her hand, splaying it across my stomach. Her eyes widen in delight. I guide her hand, pressing her firmly against me so she can feel any movement through my shirt. But nothing happens.

I glance up at Holt. “Holt?” That’s all I have to say. He knows what I want.

He slides beside me, getting closer than he technically needs to. One calloused hand covers mine and Teresa’s. His other hand circles around the top of my stomach. He bends forward, pointing his mouth at my round belly. “What’s this? You getting shy on us now, son? It’s a party. You can nap later.”

Sure enough, our son picks that exact moment to turn flip after flip, making Teresa squeal in excitement. Holt and I can’t help but laugh. And when he kisses my temple, I should push him away.

But I don’t.

The next thirty minutes are filled with sentiment and intensity. It’s nothing short of what I’ve come to expect from the extended Hill Family…well, I mean, what I expected of them before they turned their backs on me.

They bombard me with heartfelt congratulations on my pregnancy and fill the air with raucous laughter and hyper chatter, with everyone talking on top of one another, layering their conversations like a seven-layer taco dip. Which, by the way, I can’t currently eat because of acid reflux issues.

And despite the residual anger still festering in my soul, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thrilled to see everyone here.

Ray and Teresa.

Dana and Jeff.

Marcum and Nancy.

Raylee and Will.

Ella and Crutch.

Ridge.

Cullen.

Anna, Ty, Laura, Hardy, and Nate.

Even Nate’s parents—Brent and Stephanie.

When things settle for a moment, Raylee gently nudges my arm. “Here,” she says, holding out a large tote bag. “Holt said you didn’t have many maternity clothes. I brought you some of my old ones. I’m definitely never gonna need them again. I know you’re taller than me, but most of them should work. There’s even a swimsuit in there.”

I look down at the bag like it has a snake in it. “A bathing suit?”

“Yeah, don’t you wanna swim?”

Yes, I do.

But… I don’t exactly look the way I used to. I’m not sure if I’m ready for Holt to see me in Lycra.

She slides her sunglasses on top of her head. “Look, it’s been months. I’m dying to talk to you. Why don’t you go change, and we’ll fix some loungers. The guys are all here to watch the kids, which means we can finally relax and get a tan.” She nods her head in Ella’s direction, where she’s spreading a towel across one of the loungers. “Hurry up.”

Nodding, I clutch the bulging bag and head back inside. I’m not even to the threshold before Holt sees me and jogs over, immediately hoisting the bag on his own shoulder.

“I can get it.” My protest falls on deaf ears.

“Where are you going?” His blue eyes dart back and forth across my face. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

I shake my head, tears threatening to swell at the kindness and familiarity that I’ve missed so damn much. “No. Raylee gave me some of her maternity clothes. I’m just going to put them up.”

“I’ll do it for you.” He closes the sliding glass door behind us and starts walking across the living room.

I tug on his arm, ignoring how the sweat and heat from his body make my mouth dry and how my hands glide across his bulging bicep with ease. “No, I’ll get it.”

He cocks an eyebrow. “What’s up?”

“Nothing’s up. What do you mean, what’s up ?”

His jaw twitches. “Don’t lie, Merit.”

“Mmmm?”

He takes a step closer, bathing me in his scent of sun and soap and chlorine. “Something’s up. You’re thinking about something. It’s written all over your face.”

I look down at the floor, counting the swirls in the marble.

“Tell me the truth,” he urges.

Lifting my chin, I peer into his eyes. “It’s nothing. I was just thinking about changing. Raylee said she brought me a swimsuit, and I wanted to try it on to make sure it looks okay.”

His forehead wrinkles, not understanding. “But you already have bathing suits here. You left them. I saw them in the swim closet outside.”

“You think this,” I pat my stomach, “will fit in those ? Think again.”

The lightbulb finally goes off, and his eyes glisten. “Ahh, a pregnancy bathing suit.” He slowly nods. “I was wondering why you hadn’t been swimming. You love swimming.” Oblivious, he keeps on walking. “Come on, I’ll go ahead and carry this for you. It’s heavy.”

Sweet mercy, he’s driving me crazy. I need some time to be neurotic and self-conscious, and he’s not giving it to me.

It’s not like we’re together. So, why am I worried if he finds me attractive.

Just because I still love him, doesn’t mean I want him. In fact, I don’t know if I ever see myself wanting him. To want him I have to forgive him. And didn’t he do something completely unforgiveable?

So… why do I want him to want me ?

It’s completely irrational.

For all I know, he’s humped a different woman every single week since I left.

But in my thawing heart, I know that he’d never do that to me. I just refuse to acknowledge it.

After changing, I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, spinning and turning. I pick at the material riding up my ass. I guess in the grand scheme of things, it could be worse. It’s a simple red suit with a front zipper. My stomach might not be as big as people think it should be, but my breasts are totally making up the difference. They’re overly plump and swollen. If I bend my head in just the right direction, I bet I could even lick my own nipple. I look at my legs. A couple of small, little stretch marks on my upper thighs are new. Pink and purple in hue, they weren’t there a couple of weeks ago.

I’m just waiting for them to start popping up on my belly.

“Mer, you coming?”

I rub my temples. “What are you still doing out there?”

“Waiting on you. What are you still doing in there ?”

Well, I guess there’s no point in hiding anymore. Unless I want to put on my clothes and scrap the whole idea. But it’s the Fourth of July, and the temperature is hotter than Hades. I think I’ve more than earned myself a swim.

Taking a deep breath, I open the door and step out into the bedroom. Holt is laid back on the bed, tossing a small pillow in the air like a football. He glances over at me, and the pillow bounces off his face. He jumps up from the bed, and even after all this time, it’s still surprising to me just how quickly he can move.

“Merit…”

I watch in fascinated hunger as his eyes dilate. His naked chest shudders with a ragged breath. His mouth falls open, and a barely audible sigh escapes, fluttering out of him on angel’s wings. My traitorous body instantly responds to him. Equal parts of relief and desire course through me, making me feel drunk and fuzzy. It’s like I’m snuggled in front of a fireplace after waking up from a long nap on a cold winter’s day.

“Holt.” It’s the only thing I can say.

Crossing the distance between us, he firmly grips my hip. With his free hand, he gently strokes my cheek. “You’re so damn beautiful.” His chuckle is low and feral, the timbre of it vibrating in my heart. “Can you stay pregnant forever?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” I answer.

My heart beats faster. I really want to kiss him.

Right now, I’d give a million dollars to kiss him.

I’d beg, borrow, and steal. From John Dillinger. From Bugsy Siegel. From Al Capone. From Lucky Luciano.

Yeah, I might’ve been watching a gangster movie while getting ready this morning.

Does Holt feel the same? About doing anything to be with me, I mean. Not about liking gangster movies.

His eyes grow heavy, and he slowly leans in.

And before I lose all of my willpower, hop up on the bed, and tug my swimsuit to the side, exposing myself to him…I step away, breaking from his hold and stumbling toward the door. “I… we… should go.” I stutter over my words, barely making sense. Grabbing an old T-shirt from the top of the dresser to use as a cover-up, I speed walk down the hallway, disappearing into the Big House.

It can’t be this easy, can it? The two of us going back to the way things were?

No. It can’t.

Forgiveness is never this easy.

***

“So, when’s your due date again?” Ella asks.

We’re drying off in the sun, watching all the kids swim around in the pool. Even Hardy’s in on the action. Crutch is pushing him around in a float while he splashes his small little fists up and down in the water. I cock my head, watching them. It’s a beautiful sight, for sure. Not to mention, Crutch is a complete beast—brawny and impossibly sexy.

I’ll say it again, it should be illegal for this many good-looking people to congregate in one location. It’s not fair to the rest of us average-looking humans.

I reach for my bottle of water. “October 3 rd .”

“October 3 rd ,” Raylee repeats. “So, based on the timing, you got pregnant…” Her syllables are slow, and her voice tapers off.

“The day before Holt threw me out,” I say bluntly.

Raylee looks away, a frown on her pretty face. Ella’s shoulders stiffen—the way they do when she meets someone for the first time. It only takes me a second to feel like a complete bitch. They’ve been trying hard all day to get back into the routine of our friendship. They’ve been kind and nurturing and attentive.

It’s almost funny.

When I called Kyra first thing this morning to tell her about this little holiday party, she told me she’d drive down here and kick anyone’s ass who wasn’t nice to me. I keep picturing her sending threatening text messages to everyone. Maybe that’s why they’re being so nice to me.

I offer a little smile, trying to soften my attitude. “It was definitely a shock. It’s the only time we didn’t use protection.” I think back on what Holt said. I try to cover my laugh but snort instead. “Your brother said it’s the only time he’s ever been with a woman without protection. So, now he thinks he has some kind of super-human sperm.”

They both laugh. “He would think that, wouldn’t he.”

“How’d you handle the news? Of the pregnancy?” Ella asks.

I sigh, toying with the lid of my water bottle. “Truthfully? At first, I was devastated. I mean, my life was in shambles. He had broken up with me. My store was failing. And I was consumed with fear that he’d be sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit.” I swallow. “A crime he thought I had a part in.” I shake my head trying to clear my thoughts of the muddy shit from a few months ago. “Anyway,” I press my hand against my stomach, trying to convince my son to stop kicking my ribs, “it didn’t take me long to be overjoyed. Overwhelmed, for sure. But definitely overjoyed. It’s amazing how you can love someone this way. I mean, this baby isn’t even breathing air yet, and I love him with the deepest parts of my soul. It’s a love you can’t even describe.”

Ella smiles brightly, dissolving yet another icicle clinging to the shell of my heart. “And it only gets better.”

“I’m ready for it.” I lift my eyebrows. “I know it’ll be hard, but I’m ready.” I lean my head back, soaking my face in the warm sun. “I’ll tell you one thing, I never thought I’d be pregnant and unwed. My old-school grandfather would have a conniption fit if he were still with us.”

“You don’t have to be unwed. Holt would marry you in a heartbeat,” Raylee says.

My head jerks up. “Excuse me?”

“He’s completely and totally in love with you. That never stopped.” She cocks her head to the side. “You can’t tell me he hasn’t told you how he feels.”

Oh, he has. In fact, he tells me multiple times a day. Despite my protests.

He’s never mentioned marriage specifically, though. He just says he loves me and that we’re a family and that he never wants me to leave.

But once again, it can’t be that easy.

Sure, I love him.

But I refuse to be hurt again. He annihilated me. He pulverized my heart into a pile of dust. He took my happy life and crushed my dreams.

I will never let that happen to me again. Ever.

I do think he loves me. I can see it on his face. I can hear the truth in his words.

But there’s that small, little nagging voice in the back of my mind that warns me. It warns me that maybe he only thinks he loves me because of the baby.

“I mean, look at him,” she nods in his direction. He’s over in the grass, tossing the football back and forth between Ridge and Nate. “He keeps looking over here, just checking to see if you’re okay. He wouldn’t even let you carry your own food plate to the table, for Pete’s sake.”

Well, that’s because I dropped my first plate of food inside the kitchen. Everybody else was already outside eating, and I slipped on some water. Holt caught me before I went down, but my ribs and corn on the cob and salad splattered all over the kitchen floor. Holt cleaned it all up, fixed me a fresh plate, and carried it outside to the table for me.

“I think you might be a little too optimistic about our future, Raylee. I mean, we’re not together. We’re not even dating.” I turn to her. “I lost my job and needed health insurance. That’s the only reason I’m here.”

Ella pins me with her knowing stare. “You may be telling yourself that’s the only reason, but you know that’s not the truth. Take my advice, fighting the truth only delays your happiness. And after everything you both have been through, you deserve to be happy. Together.” She rubs the back of her neck. It’s a habit of hers. “We were terrible to you, Merit. We all know it. But Holt was confused and terrified. He was overwhelmed with fear, and that fear made him do the unthinkable. We couldn’t abandon him. We just had to hang in there and pray that he would find his way back to you. I know that forgiveness doesn’t come easy, nor should it, but we really hope that one day you can forgive us. All of us. Because we have all grieved the loss of friendship in the name of family.”

We sit in silence for a long time, watching the kids play in the pool. Anna and Laura are trying to teach Ty how to play Marco Polo. Eventually, Raylee takes a long swig of her beer and folds her arms above her head, draping them over the top of the lounger. “Well, you may not be together, but at least you get to use him to satisfy your needs. When I was pregnant with Anna, it was before Will owned the bar. He was still working at the finance company, and he was doing some big deal out of town. He was gone for three whole months. I was dying. My insides nearly shriveled up.”

What. “Huh?”

She nods, like I should understand what she’s talking about. “Your needs ,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows.

“What needs?” I ask.

The two of them share a knowing look. Ella bites back her laugh.

“What?” I demand.

“You’re six months pregnant,” Ella says.

I’m not sure if she’s asking me a question or making a statement. “Yeah.” I slowly enunciate every letter.

Raylee covers her mouth, snickering. Ella clears her throat, softly smiling. “So, aren’t you horny all the time?”

I nearly die of shock. That is not a question I was expecting from Ella Crutchfield.

Raylee starts laughing even harder. “You don’t even have to answer. Your face says it all!”

Of course, their humor is contagious, and I immediately start giggling like a silly schoolgirl. “Well, yeah.” I fumble over my words like a drunk climbing a ladder. “But I haven’t…I mean, he hasn’t…I mean, we haven’t…well, you know. We haven’t done that. Again. Not since this,” I say patting my belly.

Raylee’s eyes bulge, and she sincerely looks offended. “You mean you haven’t had sex since January?”

I shake my head.

“Shit. How are you surviving?” She studies me intently. “A vibrator?”

My cheeks pink. And it’s not because of the blistering sun. “Well, it’s not actually that,” I pause, trying to grasp the right words, “high tech.”

She nearly goes cross-eyed. “An old-fashioned dildo?”

I nod. Just once.

“Seriously!” She’s basically yelling. “That’s so…”

“Much work,” Ella says, finishing her sentence.

For a split second, we’re all quiet. But it only takes that split second, and then we’re all laughing so hard I think I’m about to pee my pants.

Cullen interrupts us. He’s carrying a fresh water for me and Ella and a fresh beer for Raylee. “Something funny, ladies?”

Raylee smacks her lips together. “C, if I told you, you’d never look at us the same.”

His eyes bounce around the three of us, a look of panic on his face. He turns and walks away without saying another word.