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CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

I want to protest and tell him that nothing he says will change anything, but I’m tired of feeling hurt.

I’ve been harboring poison inside me since that weekend, and even now, even after knowing the shameful role Lois, his sister, played in our story, I still cling to the anger, because what’s behind it terrifies me.

"Sit down," he says, and I sit in the armchair beside him.

For several minutes, I listen as LJ talks about his family—and the picture he paints isn’t pretty.

Power and selfishness.

Lovelessness and spite.

Pride and lack of empathy.

At no point does he exclude himself from the faults or try to make himself look better in my eyes, and that only makes me respect him more.

He then begins explaining how, a couple of years before he met me, he started considering marriage for the purpose of having heirs.

I try to keep my face neutral and not show how shocked I am. He sounds like one of those romance novel heroes I’ve read about, talking about the duty of continuing the family name. I never imagined things like this actually happened in real life.

"Why didn’t you go about it the normal way, instead of treating everything like a research project? I’m not judging you, just curious."

He leans forward, elbows on his knees, fingers intertwined with the index fingers pointed upward.

"I wasn’t a kid when I made that decision, Alexis.

I was a man. I had never felt anything for any of my partners besides desire, and I didn’t think that would ever change.

I’m pragmatic. I wanted something, and I had to chart the path to achieve it. "

"And that path was marrying without love?"

" Marrying . Love was never part of the plan," he says, sounding tired. "I’d known Jodie my whole life—and because she was close to my family, I’d never gotten involved with her.

But when the time came to choose a candidate for a wife, like everything else in my life, I analyzed the options and saw that she fit my world, at least for what I needed. "

"That sounds cold."

"I never painted myself in pretty colors for you, and I’m not going to start now. I am who I am."

"Okay. Go on."

"After four months together, I sat down with her and proposed—on my terms. We could both keep seeing other people, as long as we were discreet. We’d have no more than two kids, and after five years, we’d have an amicable divorce."

"Jesus Christ! How could any woman agree to that?"

"She didn’t hesitate."

"Because she loved you?"

"Honestly? I don’t know. But I don’t believe that."

"Why not?"

"What was there to love about me? Even though we’d been around each other for years, she didn’t know me. She saw the surface—like most people do."

And I see the whole picture—the raw, damaged parts—and yet, I can’t stop the feelings flooding me.

God, how can I be so stupid?

"I’m not going to drag out why I ended things with her—I’ll only say that I wasn’t with her when I met you, no matter what my sister implied.

Lois liked Jodie, and besides, my sister is spoiled and selfish.

The way she treated you was unforgivable, but we’ll get back to that.

What you need to understand is that the end of my relationship with Jodie was final.

There was no chance we’d ever get back together. "

"You knew she was pregnant?"

"No. I’m getting to that, too. What you need to understand is that from the very first move I made toward you, I was a free man."

"I believe you. Now tell me: if you had known she was pregnant, would you have married her?"

"Maybe before, when we were dating. But not after I’d decided to end it," he answers without hesitation.

"Even though my family clings to the outdated idea that children have to be raised within marriage, I don’t let emotions dictate my actions.

I believe a damaged home can hurt a child much more than divorced parents sharing custody. "

"Joint custody."

"Exactly."

"Doesn’t sound like you."

"It doesn’t. But once I decided to end things with her, I wasn’t going to marry her for anything, not even a pregnancy. Jodie was already showing clear signs of mental instability, Alexis."

"What?"

He tells me about the endless phone calls and messages—fifty, sixty in a single day—and how he eventually had to ban her from the hospital.

"Oh my God."

"The week before she died, I had already met you. I wanted to see you again, to explore what you made me feel. After that weekend in Cape Cod, I planned to bring you back to New York with me."

"Here?"

"Yes."

"And then everything happened?"

He nods. "You found out about the accident through the newspaper?" he asks.

I feel my cheeks flush. "Yes."

"On the day of the accident, Jodie went to my mother’s house. According to my cousin?—”

" Morrison —the owner of the house where we stayed?"

"Yes."

"Go on."

"He lost his memory from the accident. He only came out of the coma a few months ago, and even then, he didn’t remember much from that day.

It wasn’t until shortly before you came to me needing surgery that I found out the full details.

Morrison told me that my mother had called him because Jodie showed up screaming at her, begging her to help us get back together. "

"My God."

"Not knowing what else to do—and after failing to reach my father, me, or my brothers—she called Morrison. He got there just as Jodie was leaving in her car."

He stares at the floor for a long moment before continuing, "She shouted that she was pregnant with my child, and seeing how unhinged she was, he tried to stop her from hurting herself."

"But it didn’t work."

"No. He remembers her shouting that she wanted me to suffer—and that she was going to Cape Cod to find me, certain that once I knew about the pregnancy, I would marry her."

"I can’t deny it sounds like she was deeply disturbed."

"She wasn’t just disturbed. She was truly unstable. Morrison told me she purposely drove into the truck."

I stare at him, not sure I heard right—but the pain etched in his face leaves no doubt.

"But she knew she was pregnant . . . I mean, even if she didn’t care about herself, the baby . . .”

"She told my cousin she wanted me to suffer. In the end, she got her wish."

I feel bile rising in my throat—for the first time, thinking not just about what I went through, but what he went through too. LJ hadn’t been able to protect his unborn child from a woman spiraling out of control. And I, on my end, had hidden Sedric from him out of pure pain.

Yes—because Mom was right. Just like she’d managed to get in touch with LJ when she needed him to agree to see me as a patient, I could have tried harder. I hated his sister for how she’d treated me—but I was just as guilty for keeping our son from him.

"I’ll never stop you from seeing him," I start, but LJ’s face, which had been relatively calm, tightens again. "Let me explain. I want you to be part of his life."

"That’s not good enough. I screwed up by not looking you in the eyes and explaining everything back then. But now I want a chance to fix it."

"We can’t get married. You said yourself, you don’t believe in the old-fashioned idea that kids have to be raised within marriage. And besides, we don’t love each other. I don’t . . .”

I’m about to say I don't trust you —but then I realize he has no reason to trust me either. Why would he, after I hid Sedric’s existence for so long?

"I want, and will, marry you. But for now, I’ll settle for you moving into my apartment here on the island."

"What? No! Sedric’s too young. He’s already having trouble sleeping after being separated from me and with the move to Manhattan."

"I wouldn’t know, Alexis. I never had the chance to be a father," he says bitterly, and the blow hits hard.

"You can stay here for a few days," I offer. "Badger went back to Cape Cod this morning. It’s just me, Mom, and Sedric now."

"No. I’m not going to settle for a few days with my son. I’m moving in."