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CHAPTER THREE

As we head toward the end of one of the quieter tables, I catch one of the guards giving my mother a nod and a smile.

Marla Gillis—the woman who gave me life—is the kind of person you simply can’t help but love.

Her life could be summed up as a personal version of hell—from the moment my father died until now, with only a brief pause when she found me, and then again until earlier this year. At just over forty, she’s had far more heartbreak than joy.

“I want to hear every detail about your week,” she says with a smile, and I know, deep down, she truly means it. I think that since she’s been in here, she lives through my small victories.

“Nothing major happened,” I say, then tell her how Badger’s been working nonstop lately, as customers seem to be popping up from everywhere.

I also mention how he still can’t get used to the new fisherman, how his mood turns awful every time the guy gives some excuse about not delivering enough.

I catch the corner of her mouth twitching upward, barely noticeable—but it’s there.

I know it’s because she still takes pride in having been the best seafood supplier in all of Cape Cod.

At the same time, I’m sure she also blames herself for not being able to meet the restaurant’s needs anymore, as if being in prison and unable to work are somehow her fault.

“He’s going to turn into exactly what he hates most—a fancy restaurant owner,” she says.

“I doubt it. Badger will never lose that grumpy streak of his—it’s part of his charm. What makes The Ugly Shrimp different from all the other places is that it has soul, and most of that comes from the chef’s personality.”

“No argument there. If there’s one thing to say about that big tattooed bear, it’s that he’s not someone you forget easily.”

“I think he’s in love with you,” I say.

She smiles and doesn’t look surprised.

“Whoa—what did I miss?” I ask.

“I know I’ll get out of here, sweetheart. But I can’t make plans just yet. Even so, I’m not saying a hard ‘no’ to Badger.”

My mouth opens, then closes again—maybe unconsciously mimicking a goldfish. I’m usually sharp when it comes to reading people, and even though I’d noticed that my boss seemed extra fond of my mother, I never imagined the feeling might be mutual—that they were actually considering a future together.

“So . . . does that mean your heart’s healed from losing my dad?”

I know they were what people call high school sweethearts—together since they were teens, planning to get married after graduation. But a car accident took not only my father—who was an orphan and practically raised by Mom’s parents—but also my grandparents. She was the sole survivor.

Traumatized and pregnant with me, she left me in an orphanage because she didn’t feel safe keeping me with her.

She was admitted to a psychiatric facility for almost a year to recover from the emotional trauma.

As soon as she was released, she started searching for me.

It took her eight long years to finally find me in northern New York, nearly at the Canadian border.

“No. It’ll never be fully healed. That’s not how feelings work,” she says, bringing me back to the present. “But after more than twenty years alone . . . I think I’m ready to give my heart another chance.”

Hearing that makes me happy—for two reasons.

One, because I honestly don’t think she could’ve chosen anyone better than Badger.

And two, because it means she believes she’ll get out of here.

“What about you?” she asks.

“What about me?”

“Have you been dating?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

“That’s not healthy, Alexis. You’re almost twenty-three. You should be dating more. As far as I know, you’ve only had two boyfriends—and the second one barely lasted four months.”

“There’s no one on the radar,” I dodge.

“There never will be, unless you let yourself be open to it.”

“How can you still be so optimistic, after losing Dad? I’m not trying to hurt you, but of all people, you have every reason not to believe in love.”

“Why? I experienced the purest kind of love a person could hope for. I loved and was loved by a wonderful man, and he gave me you.” She says it gently, and for the first time in our conversation, she breaks eye contact.

“Maybe we weren’t meant to be together forever.

But I don’t regret opening my heart to him, not for a second. ”

“So why now?” I ask. “I mean, you’re beautiful. You’ve had chances to be with other men before.”

“Because I see in Badger the same thing I saw in your father: a heart free from cruelty. The others offered me material things, but I was never interested. I want someone who makes me feel .”

“And how do you know when that happens? How can you be sure you’ve found someone who really makes you feel something?”

“Oh, you’ll know, sweetheart. The moment you meet him, there’ll be no doubt.”

“I don’t believe in love at first sight, Mom.”

“I don’t either. That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about connection. That feeling of belonging. Of being in the right place, with the right person. Take the risk, Alexis. You’ll never even have the chance at something great if you stay in your comfort zone.”

“But my comfort zone protects me from loss.”

I watch her face pale, and I know exactly why.

Guilt.

She knows a lot of how I am comes from the years I spent in the orphanage. I don’t let myself need anything so I don't have to face the frustration of not getting something I want.

Yeah . . . I know running away like this makes me a coward, and I’m not proud of it.

But it’s like being stuck in a vicious cycle. And I don’t know how to break free.