Page 47

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

I sit down in an armchair in the bedroom, watching the two of them together. I couldn’t say whether I watch them for minutes, hours, or days. I can’t look away.

I’m a Seymour down to the last strand of hair.

Proud, unyielding, selfish.

So my first instinct is to retaliate—hurt her the way she hurt me by keeping me from my son for an entire year.

I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Alexis hadn’t needed a surgical procedure that only I could perform.

Would I have never met my boy?

Even considering that possibility feels like a knife spinning in my chest, jabbing endlessly at a wound that never had the chance to heal—the one caused by her absence.

"When you said you hated me, I never imagined it was that much," I say, finally breaking the silence, and both of them look at me—though my son’s eyes are drooping as if he’s sleepy.

"It’s time for him to sleep. Help me, and then we’ll talk."

I get up from the armchair. "What should I do?"

"Just rock him a little. He always resists falling asleep. It’s always like that, even more now that he’s turning into a little man. But he’s almost falling asleep sitting up."

I reach my arms out for him, and my son doesn’t hesitate. He kneels, wobbling slightly. When I pick him up, my tormented heart immediately begins to settle.

"What now?"

"Just talk to him. Doesn’t need to be anything specific. I usually tell him how much I love him and that he’s the best little boy in the world. He doesn’t understand much of what we say yet, anyway."

I move away from her, still full of anger and unwilling for her to witness my interaction with our son. Lying against my chest, Sedric slowly opens and closes his eyes—his lashes as dark and long as his mother’s, resting on his rosy cheeks.

"What do I have to do to convince you to sleep, huh? I’m not great with baby talk, so I’ll do what I can."

I begin telling him about a new technique I’m developing—an invention involving an aortic valve that would be far less invasive than the current method. I think I get carried away talking to him, because before I realize it, he’s softly snoring.

I turn to ask Alexis where I should put him down, but as I do, I notice she’s also fallen asleep.

The unexpected domestic scene hits me like a punch to the chest.

"Hey," she says suddenly, opening her eyes. "I’m sorry. I guess I’m more tired than I thought. Put him here, just surround him with pillows, and then we’ll go to the living room to talk."

"No. Rest. I’ll come back tomorrow. I need . . .” I lay Sedric gently beside her and, following her instructions, surround him with cushions and pillows.

"Need what?"

"To calm down. I can’t talk to you tonight, Alexis."

"Why not?"

"Because I don’t trust myself around you right now. But I’ll give you a warning—don’t try to run away with my son. I will find you."

"I have no intention of running. I wouldn’t risk my life. My hatred for you isn’t greater than my love for him."

"I’m leaving, but I’ll leave you with this to think about: Tomorrow I’m contacting my lawyers. I want to legally register him as my son as soon as possible."

"Alright."

I stare at her, suspicious.

"What?" she asks.

"You agreed too fast."

"I never meant to keep the two of you apart, LJ. I didn’t run from you. It was the opposite. If you had ended things with me face-to-face, looking into my eyes . . . Never mind. Go. I’m exhausted."

"Judging by your face, I’d say our worst fears won’t come true," Marla says, nearly bumping into me as I step out of the room.

"What?"

"We were afraid you might reject him."

"And why would I do that?"

"Didn’t Alexis tell you?"

I run both hands through my hair, feeling drained. "We didn’t talk much. I was afraid I’d lose it. I’ve never had to control myself this much in my life." I pause. "I hate her right now. But I don’t want to hurt her. My son loves her."

"Why do you hate her?"

"Because that’s who I am. Someone who doesn’t forgive. I missed a whole year of my son’s life—and the entire pregnancy."

"She’s going to kill me for saying this, but she’s too proud to admit it, so I’m putting a stop to the misunderstandings between you two.

Alexis tried to contact you to tell you she was pregnant.

You have no idea how hard it was for her to swallow her pride, LJ, but my daughter grew up feeling abandoned in an orphanage for years.

She didn’t want that same story to repeat with Sedric. "

"I’d be touched by your explanation," I say bitterly, "if it weren’t for the fact that your daughter had my number. If she really wanted to find me, all she had to do was call."

"She threw your number away. Changed her SIM card. You can’t imagine who my daughter was when I got her back, Lazarus."

I notice her eyes are brimming with tears, and finally, I try to put my anger aside and listen. "Tell me."

"Come to the kitchen with me. Want some coffee? Badger went to the store to get something for dinner."

"There’s no food in the fridge? I asked for everything to be stocked."

"Don’t worry about that. He’s a chef. Loves to come up with new recipes, and even with Alexis’s restricted diet, he wants to cook something she actually enjoys."

I watch her preparing the coffee and ask, "Tell me about her childhood."

"She told you about the orphanage, didn’t she?"

"Vaguely. I want to hear it again."

Five minutes later, she’s sitting across from me, telling me in detail what I only knew in vague outlines. I start to mentally piece together an image of Alexis—and even though I don’t want to, my anger begins to fade.

"You have no idea how much I blame myself, LJ. If Alexis is guarded and distrustful today, a lot of it is because I gave her up for adoption. The truth is, I didn’t trust myself.

I was so young and lost. The man I loved—the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with—had died, along with my parents.

I had no one. I cried through the entire pregnancy and forced myself to eat and do the basics like shower and sleep so I wouldn’t harm the baby.

It wouldn’t have been safe for her if I’d tried to raise her at that time. "

"And so, you left her at the orphanage."

"Yes. After that, I checked myself into a clinic to recover mentally for a year. When I felt strong enough, I went looking for my daughter. But she was gone. I didn’t have the resources.

I searched however I could, going from city to city, begging social workers for information, until—when Alexis was eight—I finally found her.

When she saw me, she didn’t run into my arms. It was like she didn’t believe I was real.

She didn’t talk much, but I talked enough for both of us.

Little by little, she started to open up. "

"You got her to trust you."

"Yes. Me and no one else. And even then, it took time. I was working as a fisherwoman and had to get up early to go out to sea. Many times, I’d find her kneeling in the cold, praying.

She took a long time to tell me what those prayers were.

She was asking God not to let me get tired of her and send her away again.

And I’m not telling you this to make you emotional, LJ.

I’m not afraid of you or your power. If you try to hurt my daughter, I’ll stand up to you.

I’m only telling you this because, even though you’re angry, I can see that you care about her. "

I don’t say anything, but I can no longer hold on to the bitterness I felt when I left the bedroom. "You told me she tried to reach out to me twice."

"Yes. The first time was when . . .” She makes a face of disgust. "When your awful sister told her those lies. From that moment on, Alexis decided to erase you from her life. That’s how she protects herself—by convincing herself she doesn’t need people.

Anyway, like I told you earlier, she tore up your business card, deleted your number, and changed her phone SIM card.

I got out of prison months after you left, and soon after, Alexis found out she was pregnant.

She tried everything to reach you but had no luck.

Your numbers aren’t listed anywhere. She started looking for you on social media and found your sister on Instagram.

She told her she urgently needed to speak to you. "

"What did Lois do?"

"Called her a whore and said you’d moved on."

" Bitch . That’s a lie. I haven’t been with another woman since the weekend I left your daughter." I stand up, grateful that wretched woman is in Europe for an indefinite vacation, according to what Seth told me. I could wring her neck right now. "Why didn’t Alexis tell me about this, Marla?"

"You really don’t know the answer? She wants you to hate her."

"Why?"

"Because it’ll make it easier to hate you back. She fell in love with you, LJ—otherwise, she never would’ve given herself to you the way she did. My daughter gave herself to you on her twenty-third birthday."

" Birthday ?"

"Yes. She didn’t tell you that, did she?"

I shake my head, completely confused.

"That’s another thing about Alexis. She doesn’t reveal anything that could make her seem vulnerable.

How many young women today remain untouched past twenty?

She wasn’t like that because she saw virginity as a prize but because she never trusted anyone enough to give herself.

She hasn’t forgiven herself for misjudging you—for letting you get so close. "

"I didn’t toy with her, Marla. I don’t know much about feelings—I wasn’t raised around them—but I’ve never wanted anyone the way I wanted your daughter.

When Jodie died, pregnant with my child, I fell into a bottomless pit, and I didn’t want to drag Alexis down with me.

I’d already destroyed one woman—I didn’t want the same to happen to her. "

"If you want a second chance with her—and from the look of you, I’d say you do—you don’t need to convince me, LJ. You need to find a way to win Alexis’s trust again."