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CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

"I'm so happy you managed to call," I say, trying to hide the crack in my voice, but this is my mom. She notices every little change in me.

"I wish I could be there to give you a hug."

"That would be the best gift, but you already gave it to me early on Sunday."

"It's not the same."

No, it's not. But what good would it do to make her even sadder by showing how lonely I feel?

The day Jasper—no, LJ—left me on the beach, I thought I was going to lose it from the anxiety. I couldn't even count how many times I picked up his card just to put it back down again.

The rational part of me congratulated itself for making the right decision. That man could destroy me forever, and not because I wasn't warned—he himself said I'd get hurt if anything ever happened between us.

Unfortunately, I've learned I'm not all logic. There’s much more emotion beneath the surface than I ever thought I was capable of feeling, and that part of me won’t let me sleep at night, making me toss and turn endlessly in bed.

"You're still thinking about him," she says.

When I went to visit her the day after I last saw LJ—and yes, it still makes me angry to call him that, because I remember he partially hid his real name when we met—I told her everything.

I don’t keep secrets from her the way most kids do from their parents.

Marla is my only friend. "I don’t want to, but yeah, I am. "

"What’s so wrong with the man?"

"Besides the fact that he lied about his name?"

"He withheld it," she corrects. "That’s different from lying. I’m not trying to play devil’s advocate here, but most rich people don’t go around giving out their information to just anyone."

"Okay, I can accept that. But what about the part where he told me I’d get hurt?"

"Well, that actually speaks more in his favor than against him. If he were a jerk, he would’ve strung you along."

"How do you know so much about love if the only one you’ve had is Dad?"

"Process of elimination. I take your father as an example and look for the opposite. What he wouldn’t do, you know?"

"I think so."

"Relationships have a lot of gray areas, but there are also some basic rules."

"Such as?"

"A man who’s planning to deceive you won’t warn you about it. He’s more likely to make you feel safe. That’s a selfish person. The one who tells you there’s a chance you’ll get hurt is giving you a choice."

"A woman would have to be really stupid to knowingly get into something like that."

"I only partially agree."

"I don’t follow."

"There are different ways to hurt someone. He may have told you that just because he didn’t want commitment, and that would make him very honest. But if when he said you'd get hurt he meant there's someone else—then yes, he’s a jerk."

I sigh and smile at the same time. "Only I could manage to spend our five-minute phone call on my birthday having an existential crisis."

"I could never make that decision for you, but maybe you should at least call him, Alexis. Be straightforward. Ask him what he meant by saying he’d hurt you, then make your choice like the adult you are.

Spending the rest of your life wondering 'what if' is a surefire path to frustration and eternal dissatisfaction. If the man is as wonderful as you say, you’ll never be able to forget him until you're certain you made the right decision by pushing him away. "

I laugh.

"What?"

"Mom, if you saw him, you’d understand that no one could chase that man away."

"Will you tell me what you decided when you come over on Sunday?"

"I will. Thanks for the advice. I love you."

"I love you more than infinity, sweetheart. Happy birthday."

An hour later, I’m still holding his card between my fingers.

I glance at the clock. Three in the afternoon.

I doubled my shifts this week so I could have Thursday through Sunday off. I knew if I didn’t, my coworkers—and even Badger—would throw a surprise party, and I hate being the center of attention.

I grab my phone from the nightstand and tap the screen. I type in his number, but I don’t press call just yet.

What if he doesn’t remember me? That would be the most humiliating thing ever.

Don’t be a coward, Alexis. You need to make a decision so you can finally move on.

I take a deep breath and tap the phone. It rings at least ten times, and when it goes to voicemail, the coward in me says it wasn’t meant to be—though part of me feels disappointed.

I’m about to put it down again when it starts ringing, and the screen shows the number I just dialed.

I’m tempted not to answer, then feel like slapping myself for being so scared.

"Hello."

"I got a call from this number."

Jesus, he didn’t recognize my voice.

"Um . . . LJ, it’s Alexis."

"Alexis?" he repeats, like he can’t believe it.

"Yes. I need to ask you something. When you said I might get hurt if we got involved . . . what did you mean? Do you have a girlfriend?"