Page 14

Jessica got showered and changed in her surprisingly large room in the little house. Cupboard doors and plates rattled in the kitchen. Having a relaxing evening in Rosie’s company was too hard to resist tonight. Rosie had ordered Indian food, and the spices smelled delicious. She put on a soft jumper and some casual baggy trousers. It was a relief to feel at home away from home. Her phone beeped. It was a picture of Rich and Marco with their new kitten, Major Tom. He had a distinctive white stripe and ginger body. Marco looked besotted, squishing his face up next to Major Tom, who looked like he was tolerating it at best. Rich grinned in the background, looking happy. It was a sweet picture. She messaged them back, quickly, using an array of emojis.

By the time Jessica made it through to the kitchen, the table had been set and relaxing music was playing in the background. Rosie was opening trays of food while eating some naan bread.

“Oh hey, you’re here.” Rosie spotted Jessica.

“This looks lovely,” Jessica said, taking a seat.

Rosie brought over the last of the food and laid it down on the table. “Beer?”

“Yes please.”

Rosie opened the caps of two bottles and put one down beside Jessica. “We deserve this after this week.”

Jessica held up her bottle and clinked it with Rosie’s. “We do.”

Rosie smiled and sat down across from her at the small dining table. There was a gigantic glass jug of water on the table and two glasses filled to the brim.

Nodding at the jug, Jessica raised an eyebrow. “More water?”

“Yeah.” Rosie looked at her quizzically.

“I’ve never seen anyone drink as much water as you do.”

Rosie laughed. “It’s important to stay well hydrated.”

“It seems excessive.”

“Come to think of it, I never see you drinking water. What’s that about?”

“I have a few glasses during the day, here and there, and after a workout.”

“That’s so Gen X of you. You guys are feral.”

Jessica laughed, quietly. “Generation generalisations?”

Rosie nodded, with an amused smirk.

“Well, the water thing is soooo millennial of you.”

“It’s true.” Rosie laughed. “I have no problem with that stereotype. I even have electrolyte sachets I put in.”

“Well, you never know when you might need to run a marathon.”

It was fun to tease Rosie like this and have a bit of banter. It felt entirely natural to be in Rosie’s space and not have to say too much. Jessica often felt a pressure to talk and make constant conversation, especially while having dinner with someone. But with Rosie, tonight, perhaps due to the fact they’d spent all week working together for the most part, Jessica could actually relax. It was peaceful.

“Sometimes a takeaway just hits the spot, you know?” Rosie said, once she was nearly finished her food.

Jessica laughed, gently, finishing her food too. “I know what you mean.”

Sitting back once her plate was clear, Jessica sipped a little beer. Her eyelids felt heavy. She was looking forward to going to sleep. Rosie looked tired too. “You’ve been doing an excellent job, Rosie. I’ve been noticing so many great things about your approach. Seriously, you’re on fire.”

“Thank you. Getting praise from you means a lot.”

“Sorry for bringing up work.”

“It’s fine. I mean, you were complimenting me, so I can take it.” Rosie smiled, her eyes sparkling now.

“It shouldn’t be an empty compliment. If you like I could give formal feedback when we’re next back at head office together?”

“That would be amazing, thanks.”

“Do you have a middle name, Rosie?”

Rosie’s eyes went wide. “Yes. Do you?”

“No, I don’t. Sorry, the reason I ask is I’ve seen the initial P. on your HR file, and I’ve always wondered what it was.”

“It’s Posie.”

“Your name is Rosie Posie? You’re pulling my leg again, like you did with the electrolyte sachets.”

Rosie laughed. “The sachets are real. And so, unfortunately, is my name.”

“Is Rosie a nickname? Are you Rose or Rosemary or Rosalind? Roseanne?”

Rosie was shaking her head, laughing. “No, it’s really Rosie Posie. I don’t know what my parents were thinking. Well, actually, I do. My mum thought it sounded fancy. My dad would do anything to make her happy, so he went along with it. They wanted me to have a better life, to have access to things they never had, and a posh-sounding name could only help with that, my mum felt.”

“I see.”

“Except, who the fuck thinks Rosie Posie sounds posh? It sounds like roly-poly. Can you imagine doing a forward roll with all the other little kids in gymnastics singing Rosie Posie doing a roly-poly! ”

Jessica grimaced while feeling the urge to laugh at Rosie’s impression of ‘little kids in gymnastics’, then schooled her face to remain neutral. “I’m sure your parents meant well, that’s what matters. It’s unique.”

“I was called Roly-Poly-Patterson, and then it became, Rosie Give-us-a-Roll Patterson, which got shortened to Rosie Rolls.”

“Like Rolls Royce. Your parents giving you a fancy name must have worked.”

“Did you get a chance to look around your old town this week? I remember you saying last Saturday you wanted to revisit some places.”

“No.”

Rosie nodded, thoughtfully. “Will you come up again and take some time to do it?”

“I might.” Jessica hadn’t had the time this week, not after the flooding and handling the water company and attending the engagement session, but also, she hadn’t wanted to. Or rather, she hadn’t felt strong enough to. Not feeling strong enough was such an alien feeling to Jessica so she ignored it – hence, she hadn’t visited. “To be honest, I probably won’t. My focus is on the project, that’s all this ever was.”

“Right.”

“I’ve moved on from this place.”

“Uh-huh.”

“My life is in London now.”

“Well, if you ever do decide to take a trip down memory lane, I’d be up for going with you, if you need some support, I mean.”

Jessica took a deep breath, leaning forward. She rested her elbows on the table. For some reason, the idea of Rosie joining her while she visited her old street or her old school bolstered her. “I’d like that. Thank you, Rosie.”

“Any time.”

A warm feeling spread through Jessica’s chest, taking hold on something jaggy and cold within her. She sat there, patiently waiting for the feeling to dissipate.

“Are your parents still in town?”

Jessica raised her eyes to Rosie’s. That curiosity was back in Rosie’s eyes, or maybe it had never left them. “My mum moved away; she lives near London. I don’t know where my dad lives. I think he might still be here.”

“Oh. What do they do?”

“My mum is a part-time addiction counsellor and a part-time fitness instructor at her local leisure centre. She helps people recover in rehab, and she teaches aqua aerobics to the sixty pluses.” Jessica found herself smiling. “She’s one of those people who really practices what she preaches. She’s incredible.”

Rosie was smiling.

“What?”

“It’s just.” She shook her head, eyes beaming. “I never thought that would be what your mum did. It’s lovely. She sounds like such a cool lady.”

“She is. She really turned her life around.”

“What did she turn her life around from? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer.” Rosie held her hands up in a kind of surrender.

Jessica bit her bottom lip. It was so hard, still, to tell people this. “She was a drug addict and an alcoholic. When I was little, she wasn’t well.”

Rosie was quiet.

Jessica felt a wall of emotion come over her.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Rosie said, breaking the silence, softly. “It’s wonderful to hear that she’s better now.”

Jessica nodded. “Thanks. She re-married and had another daughter. My half-sister, Grace, had a baby last year.”

“Aw, you’re an aunt.”

“She’s very sweet. I don’t see them as often as I’d like to.”

“Work?” Rosie grimaced, kindly.

“No. I think I avoid them.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure. I guess I don’t feel part of things. It’s my fault though. They are all perfectly welcoming.”

Rosie nodded her head, slowly, as if carefully considering her thoughts. She fiddled with her left ear. “Is it hard seeing your mum with her new family?”

It was strange to feel so seen. Jessica absorbed Rosie’s words, amazed at how quick and accurate Rosie was. “Yeah. It is. I need to get over it.”

“Why do you pressurise yourself so much?”

“I’m nearly forty-five. It’s time to stop feeling like an abandoned child.”

There was no judgement from across the table. Rosie had this way of holding space for Jessica. She felt so connected to Rosie, when they talked like this.

“And your dad?”

“He was in business for himself. He owned the main taxi company in the area and the local garage.”

“Cool. So, he was a business person like you.”

Jessica exhaled. “A bit. Not quite. He was into a few things. Not much of it good.”

“How so?”

There were some things in life Jessica never spoke of. This was one of them. But Rosie made her want to open up. “He went to prison for money laundering when I was a teenager. He was involved with some unsavoury characters.”

Rosie received the information well. She didn’t gasp or flinch or look at Jessica any differently. “I’m sorry to hear that. When did they get divorced?”

“A long time ago.”

“That must have been hard.”

“They had me when they were very young. My mum was eighteen when she gave birth to me. They had a chaotic relationship. They partied a lot. He was a bad influence on her. My mum was in and out of rehab my whole childhood. I went to live with my grandmother, my mum’s mum, when he got arrested. She’d been raising me for the most part already. She was an incredible woman. She was my rock. But I left town as soon as I could to go to university.” Jessica heard how her story sounded, feeling disconnected from it, like she was talking about someone else. Maybe it was saying it out loud to someone new and hearing how it sounded at this point in her life that felt so odd.

Rosie’s eyes never left Jessica. She could feel her soft gaze. “Thank you for sharing that with me, Jessica. I get the sense you don’t talk about this very much.”

“I don’t, no.”

Rosie smiled, kindly. “Your grandmother sounds awesome.”

“She was. She passed away when she was seventy-four. I was twenty-four. I wasn’t ready to be alone. I still need her, to be honest. She was my person.”

“I’m so sorry to hear this, Jessica. You’ve been through a lot.” Rosie reached across and gently squeezed the back of Jessica’s hand and then took it away.

It was too good, the gesture. Soothing. At the same time, the urge to end the conversation and leave the table was so strong. It was what she did. Yet, she didn’t with Rosie.

“When was the last time you saw your dad?”

“At my grandmother’s funeral. I didn’t feel that he understood, or cared to understand, what my grandmother meant to me. On top of treating my mum the way he did, being part of the problem that nearly killed her and being a criminal, I had no time for him. He abandoned me long before he even went to prison. Some betrayals cut too deep. He was so entitled. So arrogant. So profoundly untrustworthy that I decided there and then to leave and never come back.”

“Did he ever try to get in touch with you?”

“Yes. Many times. Less so in recent years. I think he finally got the message.”

Rosie was quiet again. “To think what you came from and how successful you’ve gone on to be. I’m not sure there are many people in life like you. Do you realise how strong you are?”

Jessica’s heart started to beat a little faster. She felt hot. The conversation was turning stressful. She hadn’t meant to bring all this up. “I don’t think about it anymore. I am who I am. This is me now.”

“What support did you have, while learning to become one of the best architects in the country?”

“I supported myself. I worked my ass off. Learned a lot. I focused on what I was good at, what interested me, and I made it work. I’m happy with how it all worked out. I’m happy with my life. My mum is happy, which is what matters most to me.” Jessica heard herself say the words that everything was perfect now, but she wasn’t sure she believed them. It felt like there was something missing in her life. Yes, deep down she wanted a partner, to get married one day and spend her life with someone at some point, but it was more than that. It was a feeling about her past. She just couldn’t figure out what it was.

Rosie was leaning forward, quite near to Jessica. As soon as Jessica realised, because she hadn’t noticed this whole time, she leant back.

“I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been pushing you on all this. Asking you a lot of very personal questions. I’m happy you trusted me enough to tell me about yourself, Jessica.”

“You can call me Jess.”

“Really?”

“Yes, that’s what my friends, well – Rich and his partner and my mum, that’s what they call me.”

“Okay, I will.”

“And you aren’t pushing me. I’m happy to answer them. If I wasn’t you’d know it. Thanks for being interested.”

Rosie puffed out her cheeks, as if the conversation had blown her away. “I’m very interested. If you ever want someone to talk to about any of this, or anything, I’m here.”

“That’s kind. Thank you.”

“Do you have other family still living in the town?”

“Oh yes. There’s a whole clan. They’re good people. My dad was the only bad egg. At least, that I know of.”

“Do you think you might get in touch with any of your extended family while you’re here?”

“It’s complicated.” She didn’t know where to go next with the conversation. She wanted to know more about Rosie, but she didn’t want to pry. It was okay to stay on the topics they’d already discussed, though, right? “What about your grandmother who gave you the bracelet? Is she still alive?”

“Sadly, no. She passed away about six years ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“She lived a good life. Her family were everything to her.”

“Was it a bracelet handed down through the generations?”

“No. She gave it to me as a gift when I qualified as an architect. She wanted doors to open for me, hence the key pendant. It was for good luck and success. It made her so happy seeing me do something I love.”

“I love that.”

“My grandmother was fierce about encouraging me to go for my dreams. My family were all supportive of my career aspirations, but my grandmother was the most fervent about it, maybe because she herself had never been able to go after her own career dreams, what with being a stay-at-home mother and wife.”

“She sounds like an awesome woman.”

“She was. It’s too nice to wear all the time. I only put it on for special occasions or for a bit of a boost in confidence.”

A short silence opened up. Rosie was probably wanting to go to her room and chill instead of talking to her boss this late. Jessica stood, taking her plate with her. She picked up Rosie’s plate and placed it on top of hers, collecting things from the table.

Rosie’s chair made a scraping noise as she stood up. “You don’t need to do that, let me.”

“Why?” Jessica looked at Rosie, confused.

Rosie squirmed, it seemed. “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay.” Jessica softened her voice. “We’re not at work right now.”

“We’re not, no.” Rosie smiled. “I’m still going to help, though.”

They tidied the small kitchen together in relative silence, dancing around each other at times to put things away. The sky was lovely outside with soft oranges and reds.

Jessica leant back on the kitchen counter after having dried and put away the last of the dishes. “You know what, I might go for a look around my old neighbourhood tomorrow once I tie everything up at work, before I drive home. If you want, I could give you a lift back to London? You’re welcome to join me while I have a look around. It’s not going to be very interesting; I’ll warn you now—”

“I’d love to join you.”

Jessica exhaled. “Great.” She smiled. What was this world where she was inviting Rosie to delve into her past with her?

“I’m looking forward to it,” Rosie said, with kind eyes and a soft glow.

“And thanks for dinner, Rosie. It was a lovely idea.”

“It’s been a lovely evening. Goodnight. Sleep well.”

Jessica sat for a few moments after Rosie left, feeling all warm and fuzzy. Spending time with Rosie kept having this effect on her. By now she was just going with it because it felt beyond her control.

***

The next day, Jessica was sitting at the kitchen table hurrying to finish an email to one of their largest and wealthiest clients so she could get back to London and get on with the start of the weekend.

“I’ll be right there,” she called through in response to Rosie asking her if she was ready.

“Take your time. There’s no rush,” Rosie called back from the hall.

Jessica hit send on the email, very happy to have secured another top contract from this client. Granted, while it was still within the lucrative business of designing fancy but relatively useless buildings, Jessica was pleased it would more than keep the company going this year while they got to grips with the new types of projects under the new strategy.

“Ready to roll.” Jessica picked up her handbag and suitcase and joined Rosie at the door.

Rosie followed her to her car, rolling her own suitcase behind her. “I can’t wait to see where you grew up.”

“Prepare to be underwhelmed.”

Jessica drove them to the house she grew up in, through streets that she knew deep inside her brain given how easily she found them to navigate. Since being back in town, she’d stuck strictly to the main roads. Residential parts had been off-limits. Things looked so familiar yet there were differences. New fences, new and different cars, different colours; more vibrant. Changes to houses. The houses seemed more modern, and everything looked much neater and cleaner than she remembered. But at its core, it was still the same. And much smaller.

“That’s it, there. Number eleven.” Jessica drove, never stopping, not even for the house.

“What do you feel?” Rosie said, looking back at it as they passed.

“Nothing, really.”

“Oh.”

“That’s my school. Post-war construction. Like most of the town. It seems to be lasting well.”

Very soon, they were on the main road leading back to the motorway.

“Are we heading back already?”

“Yep, that’s it. It was interesting to see what’s the same and what’s different.”

“Which was?”

“I guess the overall structure and layout, and the street names haven’t changed. Aesthetics have, quite a bit. It seems better kept. Times move on.”

“Did you see anyone you recognise?”

“No.”

“Did you get anything out of it?”

Jessica thought about Rosie’s question. She took a deep breath as she pressed the accelerator pedal and moved into the outside lane. “Not really.”

Rosie sat in the passenger seat, quietly. Jessica felt like Rosie was analysing her muted reaction, but she didn’t feel judged. Rosie never gave Jessica that feeling. Many women had, over the years, accused Jessica of being shut down and withdrawn.

“What about you? Where did you grow up?” Jessica said, keen to divert the attention away from herself and her inadequate response, but she also wanted to know more about Rosie and who she was. Employee or not, she was interested.

“I actually grew up in a similar sort of town. But it was an old mining town instead of a shipbuilding one, like yours.”

“And your family? Your mum and dad?”

“They’re good. We’re pretty close. My dad’s a retired police officer and my mum was a stay-at-home mum. She did the odd cleaning job here and there, but other than that, she focused on bringing me and my siblings up. My sister’s a hairdresser and my brother is a mechanic. I was the first and only person in our family to go to university. They think I’m a high-flying career woman who lives this oh-so-glamorous London lifestyle. I go back for the holidays and feel like I’ve never been away. I miss them a lot, but you know, my life is in London now too.”

“I get that.” Jessica glanced at Rosie. “They sound great.” Jessica smiled.

Rosie continued. “A lot of the top architects seem to have come from really rich backgrounds. Have you noticed that? Not just rich in money, but rich also in terms of experience of art and culture. And I know someone who actually had a public speaking class in school. They were learning how to present and project their voices when they were twelve years old. That’s all fine, don’t get me wrong, it just wasn’t my experience. So it was hard at uni when my professor would tell me not to ‘um’ and ‘ah’ so much. I really had to work on my presentation skills.”

Jessica had known there was some sort of similarity with Rosie, and this was it. They both came from working-class backgrounds. Even though they were professional women moving in wealthy circles, there were signs that now became clear. Rosie’s lack of self-belief sometimes, her not speaking up in certain meetings and the fact that she didn’t name drop about her family in certain ways. No horse-riding hobbies which began as a child had been mentioned. No use of Mummy or Daddy to refer to her parents. Jessica had defeated her own lack of self-belief and not speaking up in big meetings in her twenties. Those issues were well and truly over. She never spoke about her family background. More than that, she kept it a huge secret. “I noticed all that too. It took a bit of getting used to at first but now I don’t think about it. You’re a great presenter, by the way. Very engaging.”

Rosie smiled. “Thanks, Jess. I fucking love your story, you know. The way you rocked the architecture world and became so relevant and forward thinking. I remember seeing your work when I was a student and thinking, I want to do that, or work for you.” Rosie laughed, gently. “And look at me now, riding in your Mercedes and hearing your origin story.”

Things like that made Jessica uncomfortable. But then, what was she to do? It was Rosie’s experience.

An awkward silence followed, beside the roaring of the car engine.

“Anyway, I’m not a fangirl anymore. Working at your company for the last few years has shown me what it’s all about.”

“The facade burst?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Slogging it out in the architecture industry gets very real once you’re actually in it.”

“Yeah, but you changed the game.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You did. That’s why you have so many RIBA awards.”

Jessica puffed out her cheeks.

“Sorry, I’m fangirling again.”

“It’s okay.”

“And now that I know what you went through and overcame to get where you are, I just can’t believe how strong you are.”

“Sometimes being strong comes at a cost.”

“What do you mean?”

Jessica was quiet, considering Rosie’s question. “Isolation. Never feeling supported. Not trusting anyone.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Sometimes I feel like a shell of a person to be very honest with you Rosie.” Jessica exhaled, quietly. “I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Or like I’m missing something, but I don’t know what. I don’t know how to feel.” Jessica gripped the steering wheel so hard, her knuckles turned white.

“What makes you feel good?”

“Helping people. Doing something worthwhile. That’s why I wanted us to take on this project. I thought that at the very least, I could help out in some way. I might not have any connection to my past, but I can give them this.”

“Is it working for you?”

“It is, I think. I feel like something is changing.”

“I’m happy to hear that.”

The rest of the journey passed without any further major heart-to-hearts. It was so natural for them to fall into those types of conversation, but Jessica didn’t know if she should be letting it happen. She was torn. Rosie just got her and made her feel understood, but she was an employee.

Jessica pulled up outside Rosie’s apartment block. It was in a newly built residential area in East London, near the river. There were spacious verandas outside each of the flats. Many with hanging pot plants and tables and chairs.

“Would you like to come in for a drink?” Rosie said, hopefully.

Jessica wanted to. She didn’t want their time together to come to an end. But it was late and what in the hell did that mean? “I’d better not. But thanks.”

“No worries.” Rosie smiled. “See you on Monday?”

“Yes, see you on Monday.”

Jessica got out of the car to help Rosie with her numerous bags. They stood awkwardly for a moment.

“Well, have a lovely weekend, Rosie.”

“You too.” Rosie stepped in and gave Jessica a quick and light hug that Jessica felt in places she shouldn’t have, before turning and walking up the steps. Jessica watched her disappear.