Page 61 of Tangled Hearts

Knycole walked into therapy with her head held high this time. This was her fourth session and probably the most important one.

There was no bouncing knee. No shaky hands. Only the weight she carried in her eyes. Her sleeves swallowed her fingers, and she kept tugging at the ends like they held the words she didn’t want to say.

Nick was already seated.

Fresh polo. Slacks. Looking clean but older. Smaller, like life had shaved him down to the bare minimum. His hands sat flat on his thighs, like he was forcing them to stay still. He wasn’t twitching or nodding off. But he looked like just being here took everything he had.

Dr. Simmons smiled and stood. “Glad to see you again, Knycole. Nick, welcome.”

Nick nodded once, his jaw clenched tight.

Knycole took the far end of the couch. Left space between them like they still didn’t know how to share a room. That space held years of all the things they hadn’t said out loud.

Simone eased into her seat, pen already moving. “I’m proud of both of y’all for being here. This isn’t easy.”

Nick blew out slowly through his nose. “She asked me to come. I wasn’t gon’ tell her no.”

Knycole didn’t look at him.

Couldn’t face him knowing this might send him back spiraling to drugs. She knew this moment was heavy but needed to happen. She’d forgiven Nick—didn’t forget though.

Simone leaned in. “So let’s start right there. Nick, when your daughter asked you to show up, what went through your mind?”

Nick scratched his jaw. “That maybe I still had shit to fix.”

Her eyes moved but her face stayed blank.

Simone looked over at her. “Knycole, what did you hope this session would give you?”

Knycole tugged her sleeve tighter. “I wanted to say things without yelling. I wanted to ask him shit I ain’t never had the guts to ask before.”

“Then let’s create space for that. Nick, you okay with your daughter asking you what’s on her heart?”

He nodded, crossing his legs at the ankles. “I’m here for that.”

Knycole stared down at her fingers. Then her voice cracked through the quiet. “Why wasn’t I enough for you to stop?”

Nick closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, they were wet but steady. “I don’t have a good answer for that.”

“That’s not fair,” she whispered. “You could’ve been anything. A daddy who showed up. Who didn’t nod off on the couch while I begged you to pick me up from school. Who ain’t get high in the bathroom with the door half closed. You could’ve tried.”

“I did try, Knyc.”

“No you didn’t.” Her voice boomed. “You stopped when it was easy. You got clean when I ain’t need you no more. When I stopped askin’. When I gave up on even hopin’ you’d change. That’s when you finally got it together.”

Nick leaned forward, elbows to knees. “I didn’t know how to be a good daddy. I ain’t have one either. And by the time I realized I was drowning you too, I ain’t know how to climb out.”

“I didn’t have a mama.” Her eyes glistened. “The least you could’ve done was give me more… love me better.”

He blinked fast, breath shaky. “I’m sorry, baby.” He cried. “I know that shit can’t change what I took you through but on everything I love, I’ll lay down and die if it means I could erase all those hard days.”

Knycole snorted. “That shit sounds selfish because then you’d leave me alone… again.”

Simone sat up, eyes bright and wide. “What did you just say, Knycole? I think there’s something in that.”

Knycole pushed her tongue into the side of her mouth. “I see where I get it from?”

“Yep,” Simone smiled sitting back again. “What does that mean? Tell Nick how you’ve been carrying love the same way he carried love.”

Knycole sighed and finally met her daddy’s eyes. “I try to control the outcome of love afraid it might show up the way your love showed up... reckless, selfish, and flawed.”

Nick opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

She wiped her eyes with her wrist, more annoyed than fragile like she didn’t want to give the tears that much power.

“I used to lay in that bed and pray somebody would come get me. I used to make up stories about why you were gone. Told myself you was working. Told myself you’d come back with food.

But you was in the next room… high as hell. Slumped while I cried in the dark.”

“I know?—”

“No you don’t!” Knycole snapped. “You don’t know what it’s like to be a child stealing noodles from the corner store just to feed somebody else’s son ‘cause his mama disappeared like my daddy and he didn’t have a daddy like I didn’t have a mama.

You don’t know what it’s like to hide a boy in your room just so he don’t sleep outside.

I was a little girl tryna be a mama to broken boys ‘cause my own daddy wasn’t shit.

And…” she sucked in the deep wail bubbling in the pit of her belly.

“I didn’t want him to be like you… alive but dead to the streets. ”

Nick’s body deflated.

“I also didn’t want him to leave me because I didn’t want to be alone either… so I helped him so his presence could help me.”

Simone sat up, hoping her emotions weren’t showing on her face. Her job was to be unbiased but dealing with people like Knycole, it was hard. She was human.

“I’m sorry, Knyc,” Nick said. “I know I messed you up but I’m trying to do better.”

“I loved two boys. At the same damn time,” she choked, pressing her hands into her lap.

“Because I didn’t wanna choose. I was scared if I picked wrong, I’d lose everything.

Scared they’d leave like you. So I held ‘em both. One was my protector. The other was my mirror. And I was selfish. I admit it.”

Nick whispered, “you were surviving.”

“I was copying you,” she shot back. “You taught me how to chase a high. How to get numb. You did it with drugs. I did it with love. You passed me your pain and called it parenting.”

Nick’s tears broke. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know I was doin’ that to you.”

Knycole didn’t soften. “I know now why I kept running. Why I never let nobody be enough. Because I never felt like I was enough. Not to you. Not to Mama. Not even to myself. I had to forgive you. I had to, Nick. ‘Cause if I didn’t, I was gon’ keep breaking every man who tried to love me.”

Simone leaned forward. “What are you hoping to do with that clarity, Knycole?”

She sniffed. “I wanna stop bleeding on people who didn’t cut me. I wanna love better. But most of all… I wanna learn how to let somebody love me without tryin’ to control it.”

Nick nodded, barely holding himself together.

“I watch Hov love me,” she added. “Not the version of me that’s polished. Not the hood’s good girl. The me that’s raw. The me that doesn’t always know how to respond. He loves that version of me. And it’s terrifying.”

Simone smiled softly. “Because it’s unfamiliar?”

“Because it’s real and safe,” she said. “And I’m not used to safety. I’m used to bracing for impact.”

She wiped her face. “But I don’t wanna be that girl anymore. I don’t want Qua to grow up watching his mama crumble in relationships ‘cause she’s never healed her daddy issues.”

Nick reached for a tissue, but it shook in his hand. “I don’t want that either.”

“I was never the strong one,” she said. “I just looked like it. I was a needy little girl tryna carry a daddy who left her. And now I’m a woman tryna unlearn all the things she taught herself just to survive.”

Simone sat back, smiling.

Knycole turned to Nick. “I forgive you. I do. But I need you to show up for me. Not just in here. In real life. I want the world to know I have a daddy.”

Nick agreed. “You got one. I swear to God, you do.”

Knycole looked at Simone. “I’m not done healing. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But I want peace. Ugh, I want peace so bad.”

Simone’s voice was smooth. “You’re creating it. Every time you tell the truth, you create it.”

Knycole smiled through wet eyes. “Hov gon’ get a new version of me. The real one. Not the one who ran. Not the one who loved out of fear. But the one who knows what it costs to stay… and still chooses to.”

Nick whispered, “that’s my girl.”

She nodded, smiling. “Yea… I finally believe that…. We better now. You’ve been showing up. You call me just to hear my voice. You check in, not ‘cause you feel guilty, but because you care now.”

Nick watched her, lips pressed tight, his hand landed on his chest.

“I can lean on you. For the first time in my life, I know if I fall apart, you not gon’ run from it. You gon’ hold me together ‘til I can do it myself.”

Nick wiped under his eye with a single finger. “I mean that, Knyc. I ain’t ever leaving’ you again.”

“I know. I believe you now. And I love you for trying—for keeping your word. We’ve never had that before.”

Nick opened his mouth, but she lifted a hand.

“But that little girl in me…” her voice trembled.

“She still wishes you had done all this from the jump. When I was eight. When I used to hide your pipe behind the fridge hoping it’d make you stop.

When I used to make up stories at school ‘cause I didn’t want nobody knowing you was getting high in the kitchen while I cooked ramen. ”

Nick shut his eyes, chest folding like it caved in.

“That little girl still cries sometimes. Still wishes she didn’t have to be strong so early. I think she wanted to be daddy’s baby more than anything.”

Nick’s voice was thick. “She was. She always was.”

“Then why didn’t you act like it?” she asked. “Why you leave her to figure shit out on her own?”

“I ain’t got no excuse, Knyc. Just regret. Deep, ugly ass regret. Some days I don’t even like looking in the mirror because I failed you… my one creation, I failed.”

Simone cleared her throat.

Knycole let her hands fall into her lap. “I don’t wanna live in the past, but some of that pain still lives in me. And I know it shows up in how I love people. But I’m working through it. I just need you to keep showing up, even on the days I’m not the easiest to love.”

Nick stood up, holding his hand out. “You got that. I’m not letting go again. Not for nobody. I got you, baby girl.”