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CHAPTER FIFTEEN

TAMERON

Stop shutting everyone out.

Dayton’s words kept playing through my head. Was he right that I had been closing myself off from the others? Nash, not so much, but Creek and Bean? I had…and that hurt to admit.

I thought we’d been there for each other, had each other’s backs, but the truth was that I was there for them and had their backs…but I wasn’t allowing them to return the favor.

Nash always said I was too much in my head, that I always tried to figure out my own stuff, and he wasn’t wrong. I didn’t like to rely on others, not even on those closest to me.

Maybe also because Creek and Bean were so happy now that they’d found love.

Creek had had such a hard time accepting the loss of his leg, and Bean…

While I was well aware that it wasn’t a competition to see which of us had it the worst, the fact was that if this were up for a whose-life-sucks-the-most award, Bean would win hands down.

He had no choice but to depend on others since his brain constantly let him down. I would’ve gone mad in his shoes.

So now that they were both happy and in love, it was a thousand times harder to burden them with my issues. I refused to bring them down, and besides, it wasn’t like they could help me anyway. No one could.

They couldn’t help me learn ASL. They couldn’t process what the loss of my hearing meant for me.

They couldn’t be expected to make all the accommodations for me like Dayton’s family did with the mirrors and the round tables.

I’d never felt more at home anywhere, more seen, but how did I leave my whole world behind and move into their world, into Deaf culture?

I had so many questions and no answers, so many problems and no solutions, so many challenges and no energy left to rise to meet them. I was tired. Exhausted.

So maybe Dayton did have a point that I should open up more. Not because the others could help me, but because they could listen and offer a shoulder to lean on. Fuck, I sucked at leaning on others. But I would try.

Nash had asked for a dinner with all of us minus partners, saying we had some updates to share, and so we sat around the table, enjoying a lovely seafood pasta Bean had made. He’d come a long way in his cooking skills, and we were all grateful for it.

“This is delicious, Bean,” Nash said, shoveling another forkful into his mouth.

Bean flashed him a broad smile. “Thank you. It’s a favorite at the bar as well.”

“It could use a bit more heat,” I said, only teasing him a little. Bean couldn’t always tell when we were teasing him, so we’d all dialed back on messing with him. It was no fun when someone ended up hurt.

Bean flipped me the middle finger. “Everything needs more heat for you. I could add a Carolina Reaper to it, and you’d still think it needed more.”

“Carolina Reaper?” Creek frowned. “The fuck is that?”

“It’s officially the world’s hottest pepper,” Bean told him.

Creek scratched his head. “How do they measure that? By how much water you need to drink after eating it?”

“Actually, milk helps better than water,” Nash said. “Especially whole milk, as the fats help dissolve some of the heat. I learned that on the job. Yogurt or sour cream do the job as well.”

Creek shuddered. “I don’t even want to know why you needed to learn that. It can’t be healthy, eating something that hot.”

“It’s not if you’re not used to it.” Nash shot me a look. “It can cause irritation and even inflammation of your esophagus, stomach, or intestines.”

I let out a sigh. “I liked you better before you went all doctor on us.”

And that earned me another middle finger. I was on a roll here.

“Anyway, they measure the heat of peppers using a special scale called the Scoville scale, and Carolina Reapers are the hottest peppers on the planet,” Bean said.

Creek made a face. “That’s a hard no from me. Jesus fuck, I can’t even imagine how much that would hurt coming out of my ass.”

I debated making an anal joke but decided to let it pass. They hit a little differently now that I was bi. Which, come to think of it, the guys didn’t know either. Maybe that was something I could start with?

“Speaking of asses,” I said in what had to be the worst segue in history, “I have something I want to tell you guys.”

Bean sat up straight. “Are we at the announcement part of the schedule? Because if we are, I have something to share as well.”

Nash smiled indulgently. “The floor is yours, Bean.”

I opened my mouth to protest that I’d been first, but a warning look from Nash had me close it again. Apparently, he knew what Bean was going to say. Well, of course he did. We all told him everything first.

“Jarek asked me to marry him…and I said yes.” Bean flat-out squealed, and pandemonium ensued as we all congratulated him, hugging him.

“I’m so happy for you,” I said as I gave him a fierce hug. “No one deserves it more than you.”

His eyes were moist when he let go and cupped my cheek. “So do you. You’ll find your happiness too.”

When we all sat down again, it hit me. Getting married meant Bean would be moving into Jarek’s house. I cleared my throat. “Have you guys picked a date yet?”

“It’s not official yet, but we were thinking three months or so from now. Neither of us wants something big, so it’s not like we need a lot of time to plan or prepare. Just close family and friends.”

Three months. He’d be moving out in three months.

“So you’re moving into Jarek’s house, I assume,” Creek asked.

Bean ducked his head a little as he nodded. “Yeah. I know that’s a change, but?—”

“It’s all good,” Nash said. “We all knew this was a transitional period that wasn’t supposed to last forever.”

Sure, but…

“I think I want to move out as well,” Creek said softly. “Heath’s been so patient with me, but I know he’d love for us to start our life together with the two of us. And I think I’m ready to leave the nest, so to speak.”

I swallowed thickly. Creek and Bean were both moving out.

I should’ve known this was coming, but somehow, I still felt blindsided, like the ground was disappearing from under me.

A dizzy spell hit, and it took everything I had to keep calm and keep breathing.

My hands curled into fists, and I focused on inhaling, exhaling. Inhale, exhale.

Everything would be okay. I could survive without them. I would have to.

“It’s a big change,” Nash said, and they were all looking at me as if they expected me to fall apart at any moment.

So I clenched my fists and smiled through the pain that was tearing me up on the inside. “Couldn’t be happier for you guys. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

“Will you be taking in new people, Nash?” Creek asked.

Nash shrugged, his eyes still glued to me. “Don’t know yet. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

“I was asking because my brother may be interested.”

That got Nash’s attention, and he whipped his head to face Creek. “Forest? Your brother Forest?”

“Yeah. I told you he’s moving here, and well, he’s struggling to find affordable housing on a teacher’s salary. I figured he could take over my room.”

“Oh. Right. Of course. I mean, I’ll think about that, okay? I will let you know. Or him. Whichever you prefer.”

I blinked. What the hell was wrong with Nash? Maybe he was more affected by Creek and Bean leaving than I had realized. At least we had that in common.

“Sure,” Creek said, looking a little baffled by Nash’s reaction. “Whatever you want, Top.”

“What did you want to tell us?” Nash then asked me as if he were desperate to change the topic. “Before Bean made his announcement, you said you had something to share.”

“Did I take away your moment?” Bean looked horrified. “If I did, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I was just so excited to share my news.”

I waved his apology away. “All good. You deserved the spotlight.”

“But what did you want to say?” Creek asked, looking curious.

Stop shutting everyone out. Easier said than done under these circumstances. They were moving on with their lives, as they should, and of course I was happy for them.

And Nash would move on too. He was already finding his footing in his job and loving it.

It would only be a matter of time before he found love, and I’d be the one left behind.

Maybe I should start looking for somewhere else to live because I didn’t want to become a hindrance to Nash living his best life.

The man had an overinflated sense of responsibility and he’d insist on taking care of me to the point where it would come at the price of his own happiness. Hell if I was gonna let that happen.

So I plastered on a smile and waved my hand dismissively. “It wasn’t important. Let’s focus on the future. I wish you guys all the happiness in the world as you start the next phase of your lives.”

“We still want to be there for you,” Creek said, in itself a testament to how Heath had changed him because those were not words he would’ve uttered before.

I smiled at him, at everyone. “I know. Like Nash said, it’s all good.”

It would have to be.

‘We use topicalization for emphasis, expediency, or clarification.’

I had a hard time following my teacher as he reminded me of some aspects of ASL grammar.

I’d been told there would be a time when I’d become so fluent in ASL that I wouldn’t have to translate in my head when I was using ASL, but I was nowhere near that point yet.

I had about a second delay in processing what he was signing, so I was constantly behind, trying to catch up. It was exhausting.

Yes, I was improving, but not at the rate I had expected.

My teacher had told me it was because I wasn’t practicing enough.

He’d all but ordered me to spend more time with Deaf people, so I’d be forced to use ASL.

He was right that I relied on my hearing aids, but it was scary to let go of that comfort, of that backup.

But if I didn’t, would I ever become proficient enough in ASL?