Page 8 of Swimming in Grief (Monster Match season two)
Glauruss
When Reuben arrived on Sunday, I was waiting for him at the end of the dock to walk him carefully down to my boat and help him aboard. His smile was so kind and sunny, even though his eyes still spoke of exhaustion and sadness.
I admit I was several drinks in by the time Reuben arrived, though I wasn’t sure how obvious it was. I had learned that there was such a thing as a ‘functioning alcoholic,’ which described me accurately at that time. I could hold things together relatively well, I figured. The one thing I would not do was take my boat out when I had been drinking though, and I made the excuse to Reuben that the water was too choppy today, which was sort of true with the high winds.
We sat in the lounge area again. He only asked for water when I offered him a drink, though I grabbed something sweet and strong for myself.
“I wanted to apologize in person for last week,” I said as Reuben made himself comfortable in his chair. “My past in the monster world is one of the reasons I’m here now, and sometimes, it affects me more than other times.”
Reuben nodded in understanding. “I get that,” he said softly. “We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about.”
“No, I… I’d like to,” I said. “I don’t usually talk about it, but I feel like you might be someone who can understand.”
Reuben blinked in confusion but nodded. “All right,” he offered.
“It’s not very pleasant,” I warned.
Reuben looked a little sad. I had a feeling he knew the gist of what was coming. “That’s all right. I still would like to hear it.”
I took a large swallow of my drink before I started.
“In the monster world, blue sea dragons like me are only one of many types of creatures that live in the water, and we are far from the largest or the scariest. We are predators, make no mistake, but our prey is usually fish and jellyfish, occasionally other smaller creatures found under or near the water.
“Several times a year, all of the blue sea dragons in the area wanting to reproduce are drawn to one singular location for a mating event. We’re what I learned humans call ‘hermaphrodites.’ We have two sets of genitalia.” I glanced up at Reuben to make sure I wasn’t making him uncomfortable, but he was listening intently. “We always coupled multiple times with different dragons, so there was no way of knowing whose offspring was whose, as any of us could potentially carry a child. There never seemed to be a reason for one sea dragon to become pregnant over another. It didn’t even matter which sets of genitals were used, ‘cause they were connected within us, and both connected to a womb. Some had a preference of which type of genitals they used, but all were compatible, and all could produce offspring. We birth live young after nearly a year, though we only produce one pup at a time, maybe twins in a very rare instance, very much like humans do.
“During one of these mating events a number of years ago, I became pregnant. I had never been fully sure about being a parent, first-time jitters and all. But once my child was born, it was wonderful, better than I could have expected. Their name was Bogunn. They were so bright and inquisitive and… just perfect. We age similar to humans, and Bogunn was nine years old when I lost them.”
Reuben inhaled softly, and I took the moment to pour more liquor into my glass.
“It happened really suddenly. A creature came up from the deep, with massive teeth and tentacles. Bogunn and I were separated, and before I could do more than find them in the chaos, the water around me turned red, and I tasted blood. I frantically looked for Bogunn, but the only thing I saw was the creature sinking back into the darkness below, one blue dragon fin sticking out from between its teeth.”
“Oh my god,” Reuben breathed softly. I knocked back my entire drink and refilled it without being aware that I had.
“If I could have died right there, or sacrificed myself for Bogunn, I would have. I dove down, hoping beyond hope that I could save them, but the creature descended too fast, and it disappeared even beyond where my swimming capabilities were able to take me. I never saw that creature again either. I don’t even know what it was. I only know that it had taken from me the one thing I treasured most in my life.”
Reuben had several tears running down his cheeks, and he reached over to place his hand on my arm. It was warm and heavy. “God, Glauruss, I’m so sorry.” I swallowed the rest of my drink. Reuben squeezed my arm again. “I know a spouse is different than a child, but I understand the pain that… that comes with sudden loss.”
“I know life is dangerous in the water, but it still felt as though it could never happen to me,” I said. I did not have tear ducts, so I couldn’t cry, but my skin heated as the emotions swirled inside of me like a hurricane. “That my child would be safe because they were so young and innocent. If anyone had died that day, it should have been me.”
Reuben nodded slowly. “I understand that too. How a kind, good person can suddenly be gone. But your own child… I can’t even imagine how that must feel, even after so long.”
My head was starting to swim, and not in a good way. “I don’t remember a lot from the days and weeks after it happened. I stopped eating and taking care of myself. I lost so much of my body weight that I could hardly stand to be in the water because it was so cold. I thought about just curling up on land somewhere and letting myself dry out entirely until I was nothing but bones.”
Reuben gazed back at me with his deep, brown eyes. I was pretty sure he understood that too. His grief was still fresh. “Do you have days where you just don’t even want to get out of bed?” I asked before I meant to. “Where you hope you just die in your sleep and not wake up again?”
“Yeah,” Reuben said softly, squeezing my arm again. “Yeah, I’ve been feeling that a lot.”
“Fuck, the things that some dragons said to me,” I said, rubbing at my face with my free hand. “I was still young, I could have another child, like that would make everything better. Like there wasn’t any risk of something like that happening a second time. At least by myself, if I was killed by another creature, it wouldn’t be a huge loss to anyone.”
I expected Reuben to respond with something trying to reassure me that that was not true, that everything would be all right, that I had so much to live for. But one glance up into his stricken face, and I knew he was feeling the exact same way. He knew that pain as much as I did, even if he had only been dealing with it for a few weeks instead of years.
And then my stomach revolted on me. Whatever amount of liquor I had had during my emotional ride, it was too much. I had to make a quick decision, and the balcony was closer than the bathroom. I dashed through the open cabin doors, catching myself on the railing as I leaned down and vomited. Hard. Liquid came out my mouth and my snout, burning and stinging. It felt like it might have even come out of my eyes. I realized with a jolt of shame that Reuben had followed me out and was standing just behind me. I vomited again, all of the alcohol in my body trying to evacuate itself as quickly as possible.