Page 16 of Swimming in Grief (Monster Match season two)

Reuben

I wasn’t sure how I felt about being single. I had spent so many years living with people that I realized I had never really taken the opportunity to figure out who I was without someone. I had lived with my parents through high school, had a roommate during my college years, and then Kyle and I moved in together when I graduated and got my first apartment. We had been together ever since. I had never lived on my own, been able to make choices that only affected me. Being on my own was quiet and lonely sometimes. But other times, it was strangely relaxing. I was learning to make my own decisions. Even simple ones like what I wanted for dinner or what I wanted to watch on TV felt different when I didn’t have to consider another person in the decision.

At the same time, I had seen the devastation my father went through when my mother died. My mother had been his whole world, and when he was on his own, it seemed like he had lost the spark that he had once had, the excitement and enjoyment of life. He had been lost and didn’t have a lot to look forward to. I didn’t want that to be me. I knew I would grieve Kyle the rest of my life, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t live without him. I, hopefully, had plenty of years left in me, and I knew that Kyle would not want me to be lonely in that time.

Glauruss and I sat on the deck of his boat, the sun shining down on us as we sipped mocktails. “I don’t know that I’m ready to settle down with someone again,” I blurted out. I felt awful as soon as the words left my mouth, and I fully expected Glauruss to get angry or at least be hurt by my words.

But instead, he nodded serenely. “I understand. You’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. I’m sure it’s a lot to process.”

“It is,” I said softly. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to hold yourself back if you want something more.”

Glauruss looked surprisingly serious. “What I want is happiness for us both. That doesn’t mean we have to be constantly together. We can still have a relationship even if we’re not living together or married or anything.”

“Is that really all right with you?” I asked. “Until we both know what we want?”

“That’s one great thing about life,” Glauruss said, his eyes crinkling into a bit of a smile. “We can decide what works for us. Our relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.”

I realized that was very true. No one said we had to live together, get married, and ride a white horse happily ever after into the sunset. Right now, our happily ever after looked like two people, each living their own lives. We could sit together, talk, enjoy each other’s company and bodies, and then we could each go to our separate homes. Just because there was physical distance between us did not mean that we were not in a committed relationship. We were beautifully broken by memories and pain, held together by love and companionship. Whatever the future held for us, we could decide what we wanted together. We still had life to live, and we were going to live it.