Page 15 of Swimming in Grief (Monster Match season two)

Glauruss

I ran my hand down Reuben’s chest. Reuben’s body was soft and squishy in places, and I enjoyed the feel of his body against mine. My cock still pulsed inside of him for a moment as I came down from my own orgasm. Then I felt him take a deep, shuddery breath, and Reuben began to cry. Fat, hot tears rolled down his cheeks, and I instantly felt like I had kicked a puppy. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, reaching up to brush some of the tears away with my thumb, the feather-soft tip of my finger drifting over his cheek.

He took a large gulp of air that almost sounded like he was choking as he struggled to stop the tears. I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t cry around me. So, I just wrapped my arms around him and held him back against me, making soft soothing noises that I hoped didn’t sound too much like growling to him. I nosed at his neck lightly, a few of his tears dripping over my snout. I carefully moved my hips so I slid out of him, but he didn’t move away. He just curled back into my arms into a more comfortable position as he hugged my arms tightly to him.

He struggled for a moment to try to speak, and I just held him close, willing to wait as long as I needed to for him to get out everything that he was feeling. “I’m sorry,” he finally said as he scrubbed at his eyes with a large hand.

I shook my head. “For what? You don’t have to be sorry about anything.”

He took a deep, shuddering breath before I felt the tension ease out of him. “I didn’t mean to cry.”

“Fuck that,” I said, nosing lightly at his neck again. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” he reassured me, stroking a hand up my arm. “You didn’t. It was… It was just different.” Reuben swallowed, and I watched his Adams’ apple bob. “I… I’m sorry.”

I frowned slightly. “For what?”

Reuben flushed, and I could see his round cheeks going red in the dimness, even with his back to me. “I don’t… think I’m ready for this.”

I inhaled softly. “Shit, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to push you!”

“No!” Reuben said quickly, sitting up rather suddenly. He turned to me as I sat up too. He took my hand in both of his and gave it a squeeze. “No, honey. You didn’t. It’s nothing you did.”

I gazed back at him in the darkness. His eyes were on mine, and he looked so sorrowful. We were both silent for a long minute, neither seeming to know what to say, before Reuben finally murmured, “I thought I was ready to try and move on. But I’m not.”

His words hurt me in a way that I was not expecting. It took me a moment to realize why. “I’m not asking you to move on,” I said softly. “Please don’t. I never want you to forget Kyle.” He looked up at me, dark eyes confused. I tried to clarify. “I don’t ever want to take his place. You have a lifetime of memories and experiences together. You and I… what we have, what we might have in the future, will be different. It will never be what you and Kyle had, no matter how much we care about each other. And that’s all right.”

“Is it really?” he asked softly, squeezing my hands. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re not important.”

“Reuben,” I said gently, and his worried eyes softened. “I’m not Kyle, and I don’t want to be. If you want to keep seeing me, as lovers or just friends or whatever, that’s enough for me. I don’t need to be your one and only, or to be ‘better’ than what you had.”

Reuben gazed back at me for a long moment before he lifted his hand and stroked my jaw, pressing a kiss to my snout before resting his forehead against it. “I do want to keep seeing you,” he said softly. “I just don’t know else I want. I still feel lost.”

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him to my chest. “That’s all right. We don’t need answers right now. Get some sleep, okay?”

As he laid by my side in the dark, my thoughts drifted once more to Bogunn. I would always miss them and love them and regret that I did not have more time with them. And I was sure Reuben would feel the same way about Kyle. I couldn’t remember where I had heard it, but someone once said, “The hole they leave in your heart never goes away. Your heart just gets bigger as you fill it with more love.” And I knew that would be the case. There would always be an emptiness in our hearts, and sometimes we would be sad or angry. And that was all right. We would be all right too.