Page 13 of Swimming in Grief (Monster Match season two)

Glauruss

I heard from Reuben several times during the week as he texted updates. His father’s funeral was going to be on Thursday, he would be home Saturday. Even in the midst of what I was sure was dealing with his own grief and his family, he still asked me how I was doing. I told him I had not had any alcohol and that I was doing well. The first part was the truth. The second part was a lie.

Having to face my memories hurt. It hurt like fucking hell. I missed the safety net that drinking had brought. I wanted to curl up and not think about how much I missed my child, even so many years after their passing.

I sent Reuben a text on Thursday, just telling him I was thinking about him and wishing for peace for him and his family. He hearted my comment but didn’t respond. I was sure he was very busy.

I tried to distract myself as much as I could. I swam for hours, diving so deep into the ocean that I nearly suffocated myself. So deep, as if I might find Bogunn there. So deep that it was like I was the only creature in the entire ocean. Vast, cold, empty, and completely alone. The water was my mind, my mind was the water; I didn’t even know where the water ended and I began. I could just let go. The pain would go away. But then I wondered, if I died, would Reuben cry for me? He had already lost so much. Even if I was just his friend, I couldn’t do that to him.

I didn’t get out of the water until long after the sun had set. I headed straight for the bar on my boat and grabbed a bottle of vodka. I broke the seal on it and pulled off the cap.

And then I stopped. I wasn’t going to make it better. I heard Reuben’s voice. “I know you can do this. You’re strong. Stronger than you think. And I’m going to help you so you don’t fall.”

It was so late. Reuben would be back tomorrow. Surely, I could wait? He had been through so much, and I didn’t need to make it worse with my problems. It felt selfish to want to talk to him when I knew what he was dealing with. But his words rang in my mind. “Call me anytime, day or night. I’m here for you.” The vodka bottle was still in my hand. I set it down, turned, and walked out onto the deck. My hands shook a little as I pulled out my phone. “Call Reuben,” I prompted it.

Reuben’s name came across the screen as I turned it onto speaker. It rang several times, and then it went to voicemail. I decided not to leave one. He had enough to contend with right now. He didn’t need to be part of my pity party; I would just deal with this alone. And then my phone began to ring. Reuben was calling me back. Surprised, I answered, “Hello?”

“Hey,” Reuben said, his voice warm. “Sorry, my phone was in the other room, and it went to voicemail before I could grab it.”

I suddenly realized how stupid it was for me to call Reuben just because I was having emotions. He didn’t need that kind of pressure while he was still grieving. “I’m sorry. You’re with your family,” I said. “We can talk another time.”

“It’s okay,” Reuben said, surprisingly gentle. “What’s up? Is everything all right?”

“I’m all right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Honey.” The pet name froze me instantly. I wasn’t even sure if he was aware he said it. “Obviously you felt like you needed to talk. What is it?”

“I…” I swallowed hard. Reuben was very perceptive; I supposed the least I could do was make it worth bothering him. “I’m sorry, I’m just… having a rough night. Struggling.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

The question shocked me. “No, you don’t have to do that!” I said quickly. “It’s the middle of the night, and you’re hours away.”

“Fuck that,” he said, and that actually made me chuckle just a little. Reuben didn’t swear often, so when he did, it was always well-timed. “I was going to leave in the morning anyway. Are you on your boat?”

“Yeah.”

“Let me say goodbye and load up my suitcase, and then I’ll come right there.”

“You really don’t have to do that,” I said quickly.

“Glauruss.” My name on his lips sounded stern. I could almost see his brown eyes gazing pointedly at me. “I want to do this. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Okay, see you soon.” He hung up. I stared at the phone in my hand. I had called him in the middle of the night, when he was with his sister after his father’s funeral, and he was driving home just to check on me. It wasn’t what I had expected, but it also sent a warmth flooding through me. He cared enough about me to come check on me in person. That was more than most people or other monsters would do for me. I went for another swim.

It was a few hours before Reuben pulled up in his car, parking in the lot and walking along the pier. I stepped out onto the dock to wait for him, and he lifted his hand in a wave as he approached. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants, a tee-shirt, and a hoodie, as well as his flip-flops that made slapping sounds against his heels as he approached me. “Hey,” he said when he was close enough to not yell.

“Hi,” I greeted back. “Thank you for coming. You really didn’t have to come all this-”

He suddenly leaned in and gave me a gentle squeeze around the hips. “Hush. Let me decide what I do and do not have to do. It’s a nice night. You wanna go sit on the deck?”

“You read my mind,” I chuckled, crossing the short gangplank back onto the boat and then holding out my hand to assist him. He stepped cautiously onto the plank, then down into the boat, using my hand to brace himself.

“Everything moving under me still gets me every time,” he said with a small smile on his lips. They looked shiny in the moonlight, and I could smell his pomegranate chapstick.

I chuckled, letting him still hold onto my hand. It felt nice in mine. “I hardly notice it anymore, but when I step onto land, it always takes a few moments to readjust.”

He laughed, the sound bright in the stillness of the night around us, the only other sounds being the soft crash of waves and the hollow clunk of boats bobbing where they were anchored at the pier. I motioned to two of the deck chairs on the back of the boat, facing the open water. He moved over to one, still holding my hand, and then dragged it over a few feet until it was side by side with another one. “There, perfect.”

I grinned, sinking into one as he held my hand and sat in the other, squirming around until he was comfortable. “All right. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

I sighed and stared out at the inky black water, its waves crested with shining silver moonlight. “I just got to thinking. About Bogunn, and family. And that started pushing me down a road I didn’t want to go down.”

“Were you wanting to drink?” Reuben asked, no judgement in his voice, just calm concern.

“Yes,” I said honestly. “But I didn’t. I called you.”

“Good,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze. “I’m proud of you, honey!”

That startled me. I don’t think anyone had ever told me they were proud of me before. “I really didn’t mean for you to come back early,” I said by way of trying to cover my embarrassment.

Reuben shook his head. “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.” He sat up a little and held my hand tighter. “That’s what I’m here for, to be here when you need someone to talk to.”

I gazed back at him in the moonlight. He looked so sincere, so hopeful. I had only known Reuben for a short time, but I already knew that seeing him happy was important to me. He had been through so much, and I knew that him having to be there for me was adding to his stress. “I’m still sorry. I want to be the last one to let you down. I really appreciate you being here for me.”

Reuben gave my hand another squeeze. “I’m happy to help, honey. Did you want to talk? About Bogunn or anything in particular?”

“I don’t think I do,” I said honestly. “I think just talking to you, giving my mind something else to focus on, helped a lot.”

“Good,” Reuben said gently. “We can talk about whatever you want. Or, we can just sit here and enjoy the night and the ocean.”

“How did everything go with your family?” I asked.

“Good,” he said with a sigh. “Pretty smooth, all things considered. A few more papers to file and whatnot, but Brenda’s on it.”

“Is it hard, having to say goodbye to your father so soon after losing Kyle?” I asked, unsure if this question would do more harm than good.

Reuben was silent for a moment before he replied, “I said goodbye to my dad a long time ago. His mind has been not good for years. I… I’m honestly kind of relieved that it’s over.”

“I suppose knowing that it will happen but not knowing when was difficult.”

“Yeah,” Reuben said. “We never know how long we have. I know that’s why life is so precious. Because it ends. We have to make the most of the time we have.”

That made something well in my throat, and I swallowed it. “Reuben?”

“Yeah?” he asked, turning to me curiously.

“I… I would very much like to kiss you.”