Page 10 of Swimming in Grief (Monster Match season two)

Glauruss

It was several years after losing Bogunn that I heard about these strange portals to another world that had been opening up, and monsters had already crossed over to this new place. What difference did it make to me if I was in this world or a different one? The risks associated with going into the unknown felt minimal compared to the sense of hope that I felt. I had been so lost, but perhaps I could find a purpose beyond the portal in this new world. And, if I did not, I gave myself permission to give up. Whatever dangers might lurk in this new world could have me, and I would not fight it.

It took a while for me to get settled into the human world at Gilmer Rock. Luckily, I was able to survive in both fresh and salt water, and the lake there provided a haven for the water- based creatures in the sanctuary town. I was required to have a job to stay in the human world, and when my ability to swim deeper than any normal human was discovered, I began to work with a construction company that specialized in underwater installations and restorations. Bridges, pipelines, tunnels, and even a few fancy-schmancy buildings along the beach. I was given special permission to travel with the construction company out of Gilmer Rock for specific projects, which I counted myself lucky for, as I got to see more of the human world than most monsters who had come through the portals.

What maybe wasn’t so lucky was the fact that construction crews, when they are done for the day and have nowhere to be, tend to drink pretty heavily. As not only the newest member of the crew, but also a monster, my crewmates found it incredibly entertaining to see how many drinks they could get into me before I started acting foolishly. When I first started drinking, I did not know that alcohol caused inebriation. It didn’t take long for them, and later me, to learn that I was just as susceptible to the effects of liquor as humans were. I thought, rather foolishly reflecting back on it, that my silly antics and outrageous statements were because I was having fun with these humans who were enjoying themselves. It was only after several nights of drinking, when I finally had so much that I ended up puking my guts out right there on the beach in front of everyone, that I learned how intoxicating alcohol was and the reaction it caused in my body, not dissimilar to my human friends.

I learned then that I needed to be more cautious about my drinking, but I didn’t want to stop. For a short while, the pain was tolerable. Once in a while, I was even able to forget and let go. The pleasure alcohol brought when I was (what I thought was) responsible with it, outweighed the negatives. I often found myself drinking, even when I was not with my construction crew. Far too much. Having a blackout after stumbling into the ocean is not a good situation. More than once, I woke up to find myself underwater with no knowledge of how I got there and no idea where I was in relation to my home. The fact that I did not end up dead any of these multiple times was nothing short of miraculous.

In the monster world, life was unpredictable and dangerous, so a lot of monsters tended to live like every day was their last. Of course, I had learned that some humans did the same; their world may not have had as many immediate dangers as the monster world did, but it still held plenty of accidents and threats. I had to make sure I wasn’t one of them.

One thing I had learned from my time in the human world was that when you looked different, like a monster, people would judge all monsters by you. Even if you knew almost no other monsters, or were new to the human world, you still represented all monsters when people met you. I had to be very cautious about everything I did. Which sucked. That’s not to say I didn’t want to be a decent monster-person, it was just exhausting having to always put up a polite front for people.

I had learned that grief was a lonely emotion, and it was made worse by the isolation and shame that alcohol caused. I was more than a little embarrassed that Reuben saw me that way. I would have completely understood if he had walked away, blocked me, and never spoken to me again. The fact that he had not only been concerned for me, but was even willing to help me was amazing. And, for some reason, I did not want to let him down. Maybe it was because he was going through the same feelings I had and was still managing to hold himself together, at least in public. I admired that.

I took my last drink Tuesday evening as I cleaned up my boat after my clients had gone home with their fishing catches. And then I poured out all of the liquor that was not part of the bar for the boat. I was ashamed of how much that was, how many half-empty bottles were lying around my bedroom. I really was lucky that I had not ever done anything unforgiveable or hurt someone. I knew that facing my own pain was going to suck. But I needed help. Reuben was willing to offer it. It was possible another opportunity like this might never present itself again. I had to take the helping hand.

Reuben picked me up early Wednesday afternoon after he took a half day off from work. I felt bad making him miss work just to take care of me, but he reassured me it was all right. “My boss is very understanding of needing time off to deal with things from Kyle.” He said this without a change of tone or sadness in his eyes, the first time I had witnessed him say his spouse’s name without reaction.

“I really do appreciate this,” I said as I tried to make myself comfortable on his front seat. My tail was in the way, and I had to curl it awkwardly around me. “I want to be better.”

He smiled at me. “I think you’ll be able to do it,” he said. “Wanting to change is powerful.”

“I’m a little afraid,” I confessed. I hadn’t said those words to anyone before, and I wondered if he would think badly of me for it.

But instead, Reuben reached a hand over and squeezed my thigh in reassurance. We hadn’t touched that often, so every time we did, it was like a wave of warm water brushing over my skin. “It’s all right to be afraid. It’s a scary situation. I was scared when Kyle died too. Having to face that pain, the unknown future… It’s hard. And you know it’s going to hurt, so your body and mind are trying to protect you however they can.”

I smiled weakly and laid a hand overtop of his on my leg. “It’s been years, and it still hurts like it was yesterday.”

“I know,” Reuben said softly, his fingers pressing into my skin in a comforting squeeze. And I was sure that he did.

Reuben helped get me checked in at the hospital. Everyone there was exceptionally kind and professional. The first few days were a struggle. They gave me some medication that helped with my body detoxing after not drinking for several days. I got bad shakes and headaches. I probably would have soaked the bed in sweat if I had been able to sweat. I spent a lot of time in the shower to ensure I didn’t dry out, and I had a constant supply of water to drink as well. One of the doctors even arranged for me to swim around the physical therapy pool. I had never been in a pool before. The chlorine made my skin a little itchy, but it was nice to be submerged again, and a shower cleared the itchiness away. I do not like thinking about how awful I felt those few days, and I was so relieved when the symptoms seemed to be lessening.

I texted Reuben on Saturday afternoon, after everything seemed to have cleared up. He came up to visit me that evening. “I wasn’t sure if you liked flowers,” he said as he walked in with a vase full of what I thought might be sunflowers. “But they always make me happy when I’m not feeling well.”

I smiled. He was so sweet to even think of that at all when he had so much else going on. I wondered vaguely if he had been this thoughtful with Kyle as well. “Thank you, they’re lovely.”

Reuben set them on the window sill before sitting down in a chair next to the bed. “How are you feeling?”

I sighed. “You were right, those couple days were rough. But I do feel much better now. Finally starting to feel like my head is on straight.”

Reuben smiled and took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. I hadn’t expected him to touch me, but it was nice. I curled my wispy fingers around his hand. “Are you feeling good about being able to break your addiction?”

I nodded. “I think so. I don’t want a repeat of that withdrawal again. That sucked so hard.”

Reuben laughed one of his deep belly laughs. “I can only imagine. But at least that part’s over.”

“I’m definitely looking forward to getting back to the ocean,” I commented. “I swam in the pool, but it’s just not the same.”

“And you don’t get the nice ocean views with a pool,” Reuben pointed out. “I’ve really enjoyed that from your boat.”

I chuckled at that. “I love that too. I suppose I do get to see it more often than you do.”

“Very much so. I live so close, but I hardly ever go to the beach,” Reuben said thoughtfully.

“Why is that?” I asked, settling back against my pillow. “Just not a beach human?”

Reuben laughed. “I suppose. I’ve always been a bit more of a homebody. I like to travel if I’m going somewhere specific, but I’ve never been much of an outdoors kind of guy.”

“Well, you’d have to be outdoors if you wanted to see me more,” I said before realizing that I had just made it sound like we were going to be dating.

Reuben heard it too, his cheeks flushing in the fluorescent hospital lighting. “I suppose so.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound so… uh…”

“No. No, I… I get what you meant…” Reuben sounded so flustered, and he gazed up at me from under half-lidded eyes. “I, um… I know our relationship is kind of weird now, with… with Kyle being gone. But I guess it was always going to be a little weird, since we were planning to meet for a one-time threesome.”

I nodded. It would be weird for me to proposition him now, and probably even weirder to proposition him when I was in a hospital bed. But I wasn’t opposed to the idea of getting to know Reuben better either. He had been very kind and caring to me when he didn’t have to. Even if we were just friends, he would be a good friend to have. “I know neither of us are really in a good place right now. But I have really enjoyed getting to know you, and I’d like the chance to know you more. As a friend.”

Was it my imagination, or did his eyes flicker with just a hint of sadness? It was probably nothing. Reuben smiled and squeezed my hand gently. “I’d like to get to know you better. I think we both could use a friend right now who understands.”

Both of us lapsed into silence for a few moments. Reuben actually spoke first, which surprised me. “I think one thing you should do is talk to Mike. He seems like a good guy who cares about you. If you let him know you don’t want to drink anymore, he can look out for you if you come to the bar.”

I flushed a bit at that. I supposed I would consider Mike my friend, but it still felt awkward to think about telling people about my addiction. I knew in the human world that there were a lot of addictions that people could and did have. But it also was not something that a lot of people chose to talk publicly about. There was a strange stigma surrounding addiction, like it was a moral failing of some kind. And I knew it was hard for people to admit to things they were embarrassed or ashamed about. Even though I came from a different world, I had picked up on that shame during my time in this one. Plus, it was Mike’s job to give people alcohol. Would he really take so kindly to me telling him I didn’t want to drink anymore? “You think so?”

Reuben nodded. “Yeah, I do. You don’t have to go super deep into it or anything. But he’s your friend, I bet he’ll understand.”

I had very few friends in this world, but I did count Mike in that number. Reuben had been kind and compassionate. Mike was more of a hard-ass, but he also was a good guy, one of the few humans I fully trusted. “Okay,” I agreed, giving Reuben a closed-lip smile. “Thank you. And thank you for helping me with this. It… I didn’t know what to do.”

Reuben squeezed my hand again. “It’s hard. I get that. But you’re taking the right steps to make things better for yourself.”

“I’m sorry I’m making you deal with this when you’ve got so much else on your plate,” I said.

“Hey, stop that,” he scolded gently. “I wouldn’t deal with it if I didn’t want to help. And I know you can do this. You’re strong. Stronger than you think. And I’m going to help you so you don’t fall.”