Page 38 of Stay (Stay #1)

In answer, he leans over and takes my lips with his own.

His tongue slips inside my mouth to mingle and dance with my own.

A whimper escapes from me as he attempts to suck me under until I can’t think straight.

I lose track of how much time passes as his lips coast over mine and he licks at the inside of my mouth.

“Please,” I gasp, breaking away from him, “let me get this out. It’s eating me up inside.”

Instead of backing away, his gaze holds mine as one hand settles on my shoulder and the other continues to stroke my cheek. The intensity of his stare makes me feel like a ball of tightly wound nerves. When a tremor slides through me, Cole’s grip tightens as if trying to anchor me to him.

“I’m not a freshman like you think I am. Well, credit-wise I am,but age-wise, I’m almost twenty…like you.”

“Okay,” he says slowly.

I gulp in another breath before forcing it out. “I graduated from high school the same year as you, and then I started at Dartmouth in the fall.”

“Dartmouth?” He repeats the word as if it’s foreign. I can almost see his mind tumble back to the restaurant and Luke asking if I’d attended that school. And me lying about it.

“You and Luke were at the same school last year?”

Heat fills my cheeks. “Just for the first semester.”

Confusion floods his voice and fills his eyes. “I don’t understand why you’d lie about it.”

Of course, he doesn’t.

“That’s what I need to explain.” My heart pounds into overdrive until it becomes painful.

I remind myself to take slow, even breaths.

If I don’t calm myself from the inside out, there’s no way I’ll get through this.

When I start, it’s from the beginning. I don’t know any other way to make him understand.

“Ever since I was a little girl, my dad talked about me playing college hockey out East. Once I became older, that school became Dartmouth. It was the goal I spent my teenage years working toward. You probably understand what that’s like,” my gaze sifts through his in the darkness, searching for some measure of understanding, “to commit yourself so completely to a sport.”

When he nods, I continue. “I ate, slept, practiced, and went to school. That was the extent of my existence. There was always so much pressure to succeed, excel, push through to the next level.”

Cole dips his chin but otherwise remains silent.

“When I committed to Dartmouth in the fall of my senior year, I’d assumed some of the pressure would be off and I could ease up.

Maybe even relax and have some fun. Instead, everything become more intense.

I needed to keep my grades high, and my dad had me working out every day, in addition to team practices.

He said playing at the next level would be tough, the competition more challenging, and I needed to train harder in order to be physically and mentally prepared.

” I shrug as my mind tumbles back to all the work and sacrifices that have been required of me.

Sacrifices I’d ended up pissing away .

“I spent the summer working out with trainers and skating with private coaches. I swam and ran for extra conditioning. When I finally left for college in August, I was exhausted and burned out.” I’d been in the best physical shape of my life, but mentally, I was a miserable, stressed-out mess.

“And my dad had been right. Playing at the next level was more challenging. I was skating with and against girls who’d been playing for two or three years in college.

Instead of being at the top of my game and one of the best players out on the ice, I was barely holding my own.

No matter how hard I worked, it was never enough.

It didn’t take long before I was drowning in my classes. ”

I shake my head, remembering how rigorous the workload had been. “In hindsight, if I hadn’t been playing hockey, I would have been able to focus more on school. My grades wouldn’t have been perfect but at least they would have been…” my voice trails off as I get tangled up in the memories.

For a moment, I sit in silence before mentally shaking myself out of the past as it slyly wraps around me. “Not only was I failing academically, but I was also failing at something I’d always excelled at. The one thing I was talented at and took pride in. Hockey.”

Regret and shame sink their sharp teeth into me. It’s Cole’s soft voice that breaks through the chaotic whirl of my thoughts.

“I can understand all of that, Cassidy. I’ve felt the same kind of pressure to succeed. What I don’t understand is why you’d lie to me about it.”

“There’s more.”

“Okay. Tell me the worst of it so I can understand what changed you so much.”

I inhale a breath, prepared to purge the rest from my body.

“About a month into the semester, I was already failing a couple of my classes. Even though I studied, it didn’t seem to matter.

I was always behind and trying to play catch up.

No matter how hard I worked in practice, it wasn’t enough.

The coach barely noticed me, and the other girls didn’t respect me. I’d never…”

It was so hard to wrap my lips around the words.

Even now, almost a year later .

“I’d never failed at anything. And now, I was failing across the board.

I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t tell my dad what was going on because he was so proud of me.

Of what I’d accomplished. The coaches didn’t care, and I didn’t have any friends.

I was far away from home, and felt,” I shake my head, remembering how alone and lonely I’d felt, “isolated.”

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Cole cuts in quietly. “I understand how that could happen. Going away, all the pressure to succeed. I just wish you hadn’t felt like you needed to hide all this from me.”

Pulling me to him, he presses his lips against my forehead.

As much as I appreciate the gesture, I untangle myself so I can continue.

“Even though I’d requested a room with another hockey player, that didn’t happen.

My roommate’s name was Amy. She was really nice, but we didn’t have a lot in common.

She liked to party, and I’d always considered myself a serious athlete.

I didn’t drink or do drugs. I worked out all the time and was focused on my sport.

In the beginning, she’d ask if I wanted to go out, but I always declined the offers.

The weekends were for getting caught up on homework.

After a while, she stopped asking. When everything started to fall apart, she noticed how stressed out I was and asked if I wanted to go out.

Normally, I’d say no, but it felt like my life was imploding. And I needed a break from reality.”

My gaze flicks to the windshield before settling on his again.

“I got so wasted. I couldn’t get out of bed until two o’clock the next afternoon.

” I shake my head, remembering how hung over I’d been.

I’d never had a drop of alcohol, so it hadn’t taken much.

“That night was the first time in forever I remember having fun. I wasn’t obsessing about my classes, playing hockey, or my father.

Instead of feeling alone, I felt good. So good, that when next Thursday evening rolled around, I went out with Amy and her friends again.

And I continued doing that. A few weeks later, I met Nate.

He was in a fraternity, and I’d seen him around campus.

Up until Nate, I’d never been with anyone.

” Heat fills my cheeks. “I’d barely kissed a guy. ”

Even though Cole remains silent, tension fills his muscles .

“Nate was my first.” Unable to hold his stare, I drop my gaze to my hands.

“Honestly, I don’t remember much about the experience except that it was fast.” I grimace at how awkward and painful it’d felt.

“Big surprise, I never heard from him again. There were a few other guys after that. Just random hookups. None of them meant anything, but they dulled the pain and took my mind off everything else that was going on.” Embarrassment heats my cheeks as I stare out the windshield.

“I’d get so trashed that I usually couldn’t remember what happened the next morning. ”

His shuttered expression scares me more than anything, because I have absolutely no idea what he’s thinking. Cole has such an expressive face and he’s always so open with his feelings. That’s no longer the case.

Even though my throat feels as if it is closing up, I continue, needing to get it over with. “I was still going to classes because I thought by some miracle, I’d be able to pull off passing grades.” I shake my head before forcing out a mirthless laugh. What an idiot I’d been.

“I must have been in denial. Hockey, though, was different. Instead of showing up for practice every day, I started blowing it off. My teammates wouldn’t talk to me, but they sure enjoyed talking about me.

By that time, rumors were already flying around campus.

All the girls on the team knew what was going on, and I’m sure they talked to the coaches about it, but no one bothered to reach out or try to help.

I just kept sinking further and further.

Toward the end of the semester, I’d missed so many practices that the coach kicked me off the team.

I had no idea how to tell my father. I knew he’d be furious. ”

Even though Cole’s hands are still on me, I no longer feel connected to him. In the moonlight that filters in through the windows, his expression remains unreadable.