Page 32 of Stay (Stay #1)

CASSIDY

“ I t’s been two weeks since I last saw you, tell me how everything is going.” Dr. Thompson skims over her notes before her gaze settles on mine.

I draw in a steady breath and silently marvel at my answer. “It’s been good.” My mind tumbles over the past couple of weeks before reiterating, “It’s actually been really good.”

When was the last time I could say that?

It feels like forever.

Six months ago, I’d been teetering on the brink of depression and feeling anxious most of the time.

Her lips lift into a smile. “And school? That’s going well?”

“I’ve still got straight A’s. I’m going to talk to a couple of my professors about changing my courses for next semester.

I need something more challenging. What I’m enjoying most is my Psych class.

The subject matter is so interesting.” I pause before admitting the path I’ve been considering.

“I’m thinking about changing my major to Psychology, and maybe going into counseling. ”

A thoughtful expression crosses her face as she nods. “That’s a wonderful idea, Cassidy. I know the university has excellent internship opportunities available to their students. What about tutoring? Are you still able to make that mesh with your schedule?”

“I’m working about ten hours a week at the tutoring center, and I still enjoy it.” A smile hovers at the corners of my lips as I shrug. “There are so many people who hate math, but I love it. I like being able to help other students grasp the concepts.”

“You’re right, not many people feel that way about mathematics. You might want to consider going into a teaching program. I think you’d be an excellent teacher. It’s just another option to consider.”

For the first time in more than a year, I feel like the possibilities for my future are limitless. I can achieve whatever I set my mind to, as long as I commit myself and work hard.

“After failing out last year, I wasn’t sure if I’d have the grades to get into a teaching program.” What happened last year still embarrasses me, but with time and distance, it’s fading.

“I can understand your concern. Acceptance into the School of Education is competitive. If it’s something you’re interested in, we’ll find a way.

Think it over. You have time before you need to make any big decisions.

I would also suggest that you set up an appointment at the career counseling center.

They could help you research both professions. ”

Optimism fills me. “Okay, I’ll do that.”

“How’s hockey going? Still enjoying it as much as you were before?”

When a wide grin spreads across my face, she says with a chuckle, “I can see that you are.”

“I love it. There’s no longer any pressure for me to perform, and it feels fun again.

Just like it used to before my dad started planning my entire future around it.

” My mind drifts back to the past. “Where I’d go to college.

The camps and clinics I needed to attend.

All the extra practices and workouts.” Somewhere along the way, hockey stopped being enjoyable and became more of a job.

One I had to be perfect at. “After getting kicked off the team last year, I never expected to play again, but it feels great to be out there.”

“Isn’t that nice? To play for yourself and have fun. It seems like somewhere along the way, that piece got lost. I’m glad you were able to rediscover that. When was the last time you actually enjoyed playing hockey?”

I scour my brain before shaking my head. “I don’t remember. Probably elementary school, before I started playing on a travel team.” Even though I enjoyed being part of a girls’ team, that was when the pressure to stand out intensified. Every game had to be my best.

Her eyes sharpen as they hold mine. “Now it’s about the joy you feel on the ice.”

“Yes, it is. I don’t have to worry about impressing coaches or scouts,” there’s a pause before I add in a softer voice, “or my dad.” As soon as the words leave my lips, my heart constricts.

She nods as if understanding how painful the admission was. “I’m glad you realize that. In a way, flunking out released you from the constant pressure you’d been operating under for years.”

Taken aback, I whisper, “Are you saying I sabotaged myself on purpose?”

A heavy silence falls over us before she says, “I don’t have that answer.”

I drop my gaze, staring down at my fingers as they twist in my lap. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I self-destructed last year.

It’s only in hindsight that I realize I’ve been a ticking time bomb. And when I’d detonated, not only had I destroyed myself, but my relationship with my family. All these thoughts circle through my head before I force myself to meet her gaze.

“I think the pressure of playing at such a high level, attending such a rigorous school, needing to be perfect…it all just got to me until I couldn’t deal with it anymore.”

“But that’s not the case here?”

“No. Everything feels different. It’s like night and day.”

I’m not worried about self-destructing. I’m more in control than I was before.

I have a better understanding of myself and what I can handle.

” I gulp in a breath before forcing it out again.

“And my father is no longer controlling everything. I think that had a lot to do with it. Up until I’d left for college, he’d regimented my entire life.

I followed the schedule and didn’t ask questions. Without him there, I’d fallen apart.”

Giving voice to the words makes me feel pathetic. I’d been eighteen years old. I should have been able to handle everything on my own.

“Have you learned anything from that experience? Is there anything good you can take away from it?”

Anything good?

As soon as the snort escape, my eyes widen. Dr. Thompson’s lips tremble in response.

“I don’t know,” I finally say when it becomes apparent she’s waiting for a response.

“Failing out, losing everything the way I did, was the worst experience of my life. But it did make me realize that, ultimately, I’m the one in control.

It also taught me that I’m stronger than I thought.

I can get through anything if I take it one step at a time and stay focused on what’s important.

” I pause for a moment, processing what I’ve just verbalized.

“I’ve learned that ignoring an issue won’t make it go away.

It’s better to tackle problems head-on instead of trying to sweep them under the rug.

Realizing you need help and seeking out assistance doesn’t make you weak.

Maybe if I’d talked with my coach or adviser, everything wouldn’t have spiraled so far out of control. ”

Dr. Thompson nods, agreeing with everything I’ve voiced.

“It certainly sounds like you’ve learned a lot about yourself and what you’re capable of doing when life doesn’t go your way.

You need to give yourself a little credit.

It took a lot of courage for you to return to school this fall after failing.

Not to mention, you’ve picked up a hockey stick and are playing again. ”

A lump settles in the middle of my throat.

She leans forward. “You should be proud of yourself. Everything you’ve achieved this semester has been hard-fought, and you shouldn’t discount that because you perceive your freshman year to be a failure.

From where I’m sitting, you’ve grown quite a bit as a person, and you’ve learned a lot of important life lessons that will stick with you for the rest of your life. ”

I wish my parents could see everything through her lens.

She straightens on her seat before changing the subject. “How is everything going with the boy you’ve been seeing?”

I’m about to say his name before she stops me. “Just use a first initial. I see a lot of students on campus, and I want to keep things as private and separate as I can, okay?”

“Yeah.” Knowing that she’s safeguarding my personal information as well, makes me feel more at ease. I decide to use the initial of his last name. “Umm, M.”

“Are you and M still seeing each other?”

Sometimes it’s difficult to believe how much Cole has come to mean to me in such a short period of time. “Yes, we’re still going out.”

“Tell me how the relationship is progressing.”

She jots down a few notes as I talk. “It’s really good.” I laugh just a little bit before shaking my head. “I know I keep saying that everything is good, but it really is. I like him a lot. He’s so different from any other guy I’ve been with.”

She studies me before asking, “Are you being careful?”

It takes a moment for her meaning to sink in. When it finally does, I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “We’re using condoms and I’ve made an appointment at the student clinic on campus for birth control.” Heat floods my cheeks as I force myself to hold her gaze.

“Have you opened up about last year?”

My mouth turns cottony. “We’re going out to dinner tonight, and I’m going to tell him everything.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Nervous.”

“Being vulnerable with another person can be difficult. But it’s the only way to have an honest relationship.” She pauses before searching my eyes. “Do you feel panicky? I know discussing this subject with M probably feels scary.”

I close my eyes to better assess the way my body feels. My heart is pounding a little harder than normal and my chest is a bit tight, but it’s not terrible. It certainly isn’t debilitating. I can breathe through it using the techniques I’ve learned.

“I’m all right, but I know I’ll be nervous when it comes time to tell him.”

“Maybe you should consider having this conversation when you’re alone and not in the middle of a crowded restaurant being interrupted by the waitstaff. What do you think about that?”

I turn her words over in my head. “Yeah, that might work better. Maybe we can stop somewhere on the way home or go back to his place and talk.”

“That sounds like a good plan.” She searches my gaze. “If this boy is the person you think he is, then he’ll understand that everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect.” There’s a pause before she adds, “At some point, you need to forgive yourself for what happened.”

I nod, praying she’s right and Cole will understand that I’m not the same girl I was last year.

As far as forgiving myself…

Well, I’m nowhere ready to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for throwing everything away.