Page 18 of Stay (Stay #1)

CASSIDY

“ I t’s nice to see you looking so happy. Things must be going well,” Dr. Thompson says with a smile as she continues to study me.

Her thin black framed glasses are perched on the bridge of her nose.

Every hair of her blonde, shoulder-length bob is in perfect place.

Her beige suit is carefully tailored and form-fitting.

A thick strand of creamy pearls clasped around her slender neck completes the picture.

She sits back, looking pleased with my progress.

I have to admit, I’m happy with it as well.

Her comment has a small smile blooming across my face.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this good.

Even thinking back to before my life imploded, I’m not sure I was happy.

I spent my high school years stressed out.

There was always another game to excel at.

Another test to ace. Scouts sitting in the stands that I needed to perform for like I was a circus act.

There’s no longer the same pressure to succeed.

But it’s more than that. A lot of my happiness has to do with Cole. I can’t believe what an amazing guy he is. It makes me laugh that I’d tried so hard in the beginning to blow him off .

“Tell me what’s been going on to put such a smile on your face.”

I decide to start with a safe topic because I’m unsure what Dr. Thompson will think about me getting involved with someone. The whole no-boys-rule has been chucked out the window.

Even though Cole and I haven’t made anything official, we’ve been spending a lot of time together, and I’ve been known to, occasionally, spend the night at his house. We’re still taking our relationship slow. But it works for me.

For us.

“School is great. I have A’s in all my subjects, and I’m not feeling overloaded by the workload either.” That’s different from last year when I’d been drowning in my classes.

Dr. Thompson smiles before nodding. “I’m not surprised. You’re very bright, Cassidy. I suspect these courses aren’t challenging enough for you.”

I shrug, even though I privately agree with her.

I don’t feel especially challenged, but that’s okay.

After my disastrous first semester last year, I wasn’t ready to dive headfirst into the deep end of the pool.

I’ve been dipping my toe in the shallow end of the baby pool.

Now that we’re nearing the end of September and I’m still doing well, I’ve considered speaking with a few of my professors to see if they can make recommendations for second semester.

“And your tutoring is still working out?”

“Yeah, I love it,” I say enthusiastically. “I’ve been able to pick up a few more hours each week. And I have a steady load of students who are requesting to work with me.

She settles back in her chair. “Okay. I’m happy to hear that school and tutoring are going well.” There’s a pause. “What about your anxiety attacks? Have you experienced any since we last met?”

I search my mind even though I know the answer. “No, none.”

It’s a huge relief.

I finally feel like I’m moving forward and making steady progress. The anxiety attacks were so frightening. Debilitating. The fact that I don’t have any idea when one will strike only ramps up my fear. I’m constantly on edge, waiting for something to trigger one .

“Hmmm. That’s interesting. Are you using your breathing techniques when you begin to feel anxious?”

“I do, and it helps calm me down. I’m always careful to stop when I start to feel agitated and mentally self-check. Lately, I’ve been feeling really good.”

Great, even.

I’m not used to feeling like this. As much as I hate to admit it, it feels like I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out. Life seems to be going a little too perfect.

She breaks into my thoughts with another question.

“And you’re continuing to run?”

“Yup. Three times a week.”

Not only am I running with Cole three times a week, but I also meet up with him twice a week to work out on the ice.

We usually get to the rink around five in the morning before the place opens.

It’s amazing to have a full sheet of perfectly smooth ice all to ourselves.

Those early morning sessions with Cole are the best part of my day.

“Do you think that’s contributing to the way you’ve been feeling lately?” She studies me before jotting down a few notes.

“Yes.” Although it’s not the only reason. “Definitely.”

Unease blooms in my belly as I nibble at my lower lip. I need to be honest with her. Keeping secrets from your therapist defeats the purpose of having one.

Dr. Thompson continues to study me in that quiet way of hers. “Is there something else I should know about?”

Over the course of the last month, I’ve grown to value Dr. Thompson’s input and advice. Without a doubt, I realize that she has my best interest in mind, and it helps to hear an objective perspective on some of the issues I’ve been struggling with.

“There is something else.”

More like someone else.

“All right.” With a raised brow, she patiently waits for me to continue.

It takes everything inside me to push those two little words out into the atmosphere. “A guy. ”

Her expression remains neutral. “A new one? Or the one from before?”

I gulp, remembering how Cole triggered two anxiety attacks. Well, a full-fledged one and a sort-of one. I’m fairly certain that’s splitting hairs.

“The one from before,” I quietly admit, unable to stop myself from fidgeting under her steady gaze.

Air gets trapped in my lungs as I steel myself, waiting for the censure I’m sure that will follow.

Instead, she nods before jotting down a few more notes. “Have you been spending a lot of time together?”

I hesitate, terrified she’ll tell me that it’s in my best interest to break things off with him, and that I need to focus on myself and school instead of a new relationship.

“Yes.”

“And there haven’t been any anxiety attacks?”

I shake my head. “None at all.” I can’t imagine having another attack with Cole. I find his presence so calming and feel so at ease with him.

She falls into another silence before asking, “Are you sleeping together?”

Heat rushes to the surface of my cheeks as I shake my head. “No, but I’ve spent the night with him. We’re taking this relationship slow, and he’s okay with that.”

A kernel of hope flares to life when she doesn’t immediately suggest I stop seeing him. I like Cole more than I’ve ever liked anyone before. Even though we’ve both agreed not to rush this, I know where it’s heading, and I don’t want it to end.

“It certainly sounds like this relationship is serious.”

I release a steady breath before a smile curves my lips. “I think it might be.” Until this very moment, I didn’t realize how much I wanted it to be.

“Have you shared your past with him?”

Even though the question is asked lightly, it sits heavily between us. And just like that, a huge weight settles in the middle of my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

“No.” Barely can I force out the response.

We’re taking this slowly, I remind myself. He’s all right not knowing everything about me. At some point I’ll have to tell him, but we’re not there yet.

With a nod, she asks more specifically, “Have you told him anything about the last year?” Her gaze is direct and unwavering.

“No.”

I just need more time before I confide in him. Before I expect him to swallow and accept how much of a trainwreck I was.

She pulls off her glasses before carefully setting them on the table next to her chair. “If you’re going to have a real and genuine connection with someone, then you need to be honest with them. Is there a reason you haven’t been?”

Every last drop of happiness I’d been brimming with ten short minutes ago drains from my body, leaving me to feel weighted down and restless.

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut before shaking my head and shrugging helplessly. “I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid his opinion of me will change.”

She nods. “Opening yourself up and being vulnerable with someone who matters can be scary. But it’s important that you’re honest with him and yourself.

You can’t have an authentic relationship if you’re keeping parts of yourself hidden.

He needs to accept all of you, not just the pieces you choose to show him. ”

My fingers flutter to the collar of my shirt, tugging on it as my chest tightens up. “He understands that I’m not ready to open up just yet. We’ve talked about it. I just want to give him more time to get to know the person I am now.”

A heavy silence falls over us.

“Then maybe you aren’t ready for this just yet. Perhaps your focus needs to remain on you right now.” Her gaze searches mine. “I understand that’s difficult to hear but I think you need to give it serious consideration. ”

Even though I was expecting her to voice these concerns, it still hits me like a punch to the gut, and my shoulders collapse.

Deep down, in a place I haven’t wanted to acknowledge, I’ve secretly been wondering the same thing.

Now that Dr. Thompson has brought up my own fears, it means I need to consider the merit of them.

Maybe I’m not as ready as I thought I was.