Page 7

Nirvaan

Saturday, 24 December 2022 Taj Mahal Palace, Mumbai

‘The thing is, some of us believe that we have our shit figured out, and some of us believe that we haven’t figured out our shit yet but that we eventually will. The truth, however, is that no one ever really figures their shit out. Ever. And that is life.’

I play an episode of The Money Game , a podcast that I am currently addicted to, as I dress up for the business meeting that I have in another hour at Frangipani, one of the finest restaurants in the city. It’s located within the Taj, where I checked in late last night. I’m in Mumbai, the city of dreams. Everywhere you look, the past echoes here in heritage buildings like this one, more so in the late-night jazz clubs where the city’s cosmopolitan inhabitants dance the hours away. I always think of ‘Mumbai’ as ‘Bombay’. I used to live here during my childhood because both my parents, employed in different government departments, had their offices in Colaba, South Bombay.

I stand by the window and look at the morning sun paint the sky outside with brush strokes of orange and yellow, as if it were a watercolour painting. The Gateway of India rises up against the sky, a silent witness to the continuous rise and fall of the waves of the Arabian Sea in the backdrop. Its grand arches, forming the doorway through which the West entered India, still bear the imprint of the British Raj, and unfortunately, more than its stunning beauty, I always end up seeing it as a symbol of imperial rule and its glory in my country.

This isn’t the first time I’m looking at this magnificent structure. As a child, I visited the Gateway every other weekend with my family to eat the most delicious bhel puri sold by a particular chaat-wallah who ran his little shop from the boot of his Maruti Van every Sunday. My elder sister Shreeni would always bargain with our parents to let us have the pink candy floss that an old woman used to sell at the corner of the street that leads to this place. Neither the chaat-wallah nor the old lady are anywhere to be seen, and my sister and I don’t live together anymore. But the Gateway of India still stands tall.

I’ve always dreamt of being a big-shot entrepreneur, you know, making money and creating jobs right here in my homeland. And let me tell you, India’s been on one heck of a journey over the last few decades. It’s like watching a phoenix rise from the ashes of colonial rule. With a bunch of young folks, loads of economic opportunities and a shiny new digital setup, India’s bursting with potential, and everyone’s got their eyes on it now—investors from all over the world are itching to throw in their chips and be a part of India’s growth story.

So here I am, all set to meet Smith, a hotshot venture capitalist from Silicon Valley, who’s jetting in from Bengaluru just to chat with me. He’s keen to find the next big thing to throw his money at, and he wants to get my take on this. The truth is, I’m not sure what I want out of this meeting, not just yet. But if Smith turns out to be the real deal, I’ll introduce him to Asmitha in a few months and see if his VC firm wants to place their bets on AILENA. I figure his experience with AI startups could be a game-changer for Asmitha, and maybe collaborating with some big social media players from the West could give AILENA the required data boost to really take off. But that’s for later. This first meeting is just to test the waters.

I leave my hotel room and quickly make my way to the restaurant downstairs where we’re supposed to meet. I find a comfortable corner table with a view and take a seat. Smith joins me ten minutes later. A middle-aged American, he’s got a sturdy build, a pair of greenish-blue eyes and hair the colour of golden grass. He’s wearing a pair of blue shorts and a white shirt, typical of investors from the Valley.

‘Hey there! How’s it going?’ Smith asks, extending his hand forward in my direction.

‘Hey man! It’s been great. How about you?’ I ask as we shake hands and sit down.

‘Just trying to navigate through these uncertain times, you know?’ He lets out a broken laugh.

‘Absolutely, it’s been quite the rollercoaster ride. So, what’s on your mind these days?’ I ask intently.

‘Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about where to invest next, especially considering the post-pandemic landscape. Covid turned out to be a game-changer for industries worldwide.’

‘Tell me about it. We’ve seen so many shifts here as well. But hey, India’s always been resilient. Any particular sector catching your eye?’ I’m curious about Smith’s plan.

‘Fintech is big. Health tech has seen a massive surge too, and I believe there’s a lot of untapped potential there.’

‘Agreed. Fintech has been booming here for the longest time. And with the growing dependency on cashless transactions and digital banking, there’s a lot of room for innovation and further progress,’ I share my thoughts candidly.

‘Absolutely. India’s fintech scene has been making waves globally. Another area I’m interested in is EdTech. With the shift to remote learning, there’s a growing demand for online education platforms and tools,’ he adds.

‘Oh, definitely. We’ve seen a mushrooming of EdTech startups catering to students of all ages. It’s amazing how technology is democratizing access to education. And let’s not ignore the boom in the creator economy! People creating content from the remotest corners of India, even after the government banned the Chinese app Yik-Yok, is just crazy!’

‘Ah! India and China have been the closest of pals, isn’t it? Just like the US and China!’ Smith winks.

The waiter comes to take our orders just then.

‘Fresh lime soda for me,’ Smith orders loudly.

‘A filter coffee,’ I say. ‘What would you like to have for breakfast?’ I ask Smith. ‘They have an American breakfast platter which is the best in the city. The last time I hosted an American friend here, he loved it.’

‘All right, I’ll go with that then. What will you have?’

‘I’ll have an idli-sambhar.’

Once the waiter repeats our order and leaves, Smith immediately resumes our conversation with enthusiasm. He sure means business.

‘And let’s not forget about sustainability. The pandemic has brought environmental issues into sharper focus.’

‘Absolutely. India’s commitment to renewable energy is stronger than ever. There’s plenty of room for investment and innovation there as well,’ I say.

‘It’s great to hear that. Looks like India is poised for some exciting developments ahead. You better keep me posted about things. I would love to invest in all these areas!’

When our breakfast arrives, we continue to eat and talk. I love meeting people. I love discussing new ideas and travelling to exotic places. And I’m glad to have made life choices that ensure I have the time and luxury to do so. I ditched a day zero placement offer from Microsoft to pursue entrepreneurship. I could’ve been working in Silicon Valley and living the grand American life, but I chose to follow my destiny in India.

I look down at my watch and realize that we’ve been talking for well over an hour. ‘You have a flight to catch to California, right?’ I ask Smith. ‘I don’t trust the Mumbai airport, or the traffic. You should leave now if you want to make it in time.’

‘Damn, yes. It’s Christmas Eve. My wife will butcher me for Christmas dinner if I don’t reach in time. Better rush!’ Smith laughs as he gets up.

‘Let’s stay connected, man. We’ll catch up on your side of the world whenever I visit next,’ I say.

‘Cheers, man! Merry Christmas!’ he says as he hurries off towards the lobby.

‘Cheers!’

I linger a little in the restaurant. I have another meeting in the city before I finally meet Nia and we go apartment hunting in Bandra. And yes, I’m super excited about this second meeting because it’s with my childhood bestie Vedant.

You make all sorts of friends through different stages in life, but it’s only your childhood friends who’ll stand the test of time. I want Nia to meet Vedant, but maybe after we move in together and settle down in our new pad. And after she’s met Vedant, I’ll introduce her to my family. For now, I’m kind of taking it slow.

As I leave the hotel and wander through the streets of the Fort area, I realize that while my life has changed by leaps and bounds, Mumbai hasn’t changed a bit. From the red double-decker buses to the worn-out buildings that dot the city’s landscape, it still has the same madness that it always had.

I make my way to the iconic Leopold Cafe and grab a table near the window that overlooks the street. As I sit back and enjoy the Christmassy vibe in the café and the rich scent of freshly brewed coffee, I debate whether or not to scroll through social media to kill time. But these days, I dread going on social media. Unlike me, who’s still thinking about getting married, most of my friends and peers are already married and having babies! And I’m done seeing post after post showing off their family pictures. Even Vedant got married to his childhood sweetheart three years ago, and he was recently blessed with a baby girl.

I wonder how they did it. Being an adult and making these big life decisions is so hard. Things were so much easier in childhood when the choices were simpler and the stakes lower. For instance, when your mother promised to take you out, the only decision she wanted you to make was whether you were going to put on the yellow shoes she got you for your birthday or the red ones she got you for Diwali. Or when your father agreed to cook because it was the weekend, you and your sibling only had to choose between pizza or pav bhaji for dinner.

The café door opens just then and I see Vedant walk in. There’s this thing about old friendships that really makes them priceless—sooner or later, they make you realize that every time you see each other, you’ve changed a bit. Vedant and I meet each other every six to eight months, and each time, we witness the changes we’ve been through. As I see him catch sight of me and walk towards where I am sitting, I see that the changes in him are so pronounced that he just doesn’t seem like the same wild guy who would tear off the jersey of every guy in the school locker room after winning a match. Because there he is, all dressed up and gentlemanly in a white shirt, now damp and wrinkled in places due to the city’s humidity, and a pair of trousers, his beard neatly trimmed and his hair combed back. His entire persona is reflective of his place in life—he’s the successful corporate guy who has made it big.

As for how much I’ve changed over the years, that is something that only Vedant can tell you. But because this is my side of the story, you won’t, unfortunately, get to hear his.

‘Hey there! It’s been too long! How have you been?’ Vedant interrupts my stream of thoughts with a hug and a thump on my back.

‘It does feel like it’s been ages since we last met! I’m good, just keeping busy with work and the usual back-to-back travel,’ I respond.

‘Yeah, the last time we met, Chulbul was still expecting; she was in her second trimester, I think. But look at me now, I have a three-month-old baby who keeps us awake through the nights!’ He shrugs and grins.

‘Congratulations, dude! I still can’t believe that you’re a parent now! What’s it like to be a father yourself after having hated your own father for ages?’ I ask, laughing. Vedant never really got along with his father.

‘It’s one hell of a ride, man. Sleepless nights, milk on demand, endless crying and dirty nappies and blah and blah. But every moment is worth it. It’s just incredible to watch a tiny human grow every day. You never actually remember yourself as a baby, do you? So, it fills you with wonder,’ he says, a soft smile playing on his lips.

Just then the waitress comes up to our table. ‘What would you like to have? The special salted caramel coffee is our new hot favourite beverage.’

‘Let’s have that?’ I look at Vedant. I can never get enough of coffee!

‘I’m up for it too!’ he agrees.

‘Anything to eat?’ the waitress asks.

‘Nothing, thanks,’ Vedant tells her.

Once the waitress steps away, I continue our chat. ‘That sounds both exhausting and rewarding. I’m really happy for you two. How’s Chulbul coping with everything? It must be hard for her, no? You guys must come and stay with me in Delhi whenever you decide to take a little break.’

‘Offer accepted, dude. Chulbul’s doing okay. Some days are tough, but we’re both figuring this new phase out together. Parenting is teamwork, just like marriage is. But wait, this actually makes me want to know if and when you’re tying the knot!’ He winks.

‘Well, there is someone I’ve been seeing. I wanted to tell you about her in person, that’s why I haven’t brought this up over the phone. Her name is Nia. I’m hopeful that marriage is on the cards for us, but for now, we’re moving in together, which is also a big move. Nia has professional commitments here in Mumbai and since I can practically work from anywhere, we’re looking for a flat here. I’ll be partially based out of Mumbai now. Maybe someday soon I’ll have a little family of my own as well,’ I say wistfully.

‘Wow, that’s amazing news, dude! We can all hang out together now. When am I meeting her?’

‘Soon,’ I reply. ‘But there’s something else that I wanted to talk to you about.’

Vedant looks at me expectantly.

‘I, ahem, I’ve signed up with a new AI-powered app that promises to find you a suitable partner. It’s in the beta stages, and the actual chances of finding a “soulmate” are super slim … the thing is, I’ve been feeling kind of guilty for wanting to try it out. But I’m just not so sure about Nia, you know what I mean?’ I mumble. I’m not confident he’ll understand what I mean.

‘I understand, man,’ he says sincerely.

And suddenly, I feel better. The weight I’d been carrying in my heart feels lighter. Vedant always gets me.

‘Everything happens in its own time. And the truth is, when you know, you know. But if you’re not so sure about your current relationship, then there’s no harm in trying this app out, or any other medium for that matter,’ Vedant continues.

‘Thanks for the reassurance, dude.’ I smile. His words have brought me much comfort.

‘What does Nia do by the way?’ he asks.

‘She’s a model and a social media influencer.’

‘That sounds, umm, interesting.’ He frowns, looking a little sceptical. ‘Anyway, I would love to meet her sometime.’

‘Yeah, sure. We will … at the right time.’ To be honest though, I don’t know why I don’t want Nia and Vedant to actually meet. Initially, I’d planned to make them meet tonight, but the moment I started chatting with Kiana on AILENA, and then got Vedant’s support on the matter, I just knew I wanted to wait a little longer before introducing Nia to Vedant. The human brain really works in a weird and complicated way. I’m not sure if I’ll have the ‘when you know, you know’ feeling. But I don’t want to talk about my relationship with Nia anymore. So, I change the topic. ‘Any plans for Christmas Eve?’ I ask Vedant.

‘Just a quiet evening at home with my daughter and Chulbul. How about you?’

‘We’re apartment hunting in Bandra.’

‘Okay. That’s good. Let’s hope you find something.’

‘Yeah.’

We sit and chat for about an hour before Vedant has to leave.

‘Well, it was great catching up with you, as always,’ I say as we leave the restaurant.

‘Same here, dude. Take care, and Merry Christmas!’ he replies, giving me a hug.

‘Merry Christmas to you too, and here’s a little something I brought for the baby.’ I hand over a present wrapped in red paper and topped with a green satin ribbon.

‘Thanks, man! Bye!’

‘Bye!’

After Vedant leaves, I make my way towards the Church Gate railway station on the Western line. I’m headed to Bandra now. I had asked Nia to join me here so we could take the train to Bandra, but she doesn’t like using public transport. I, however, love taking the local train whenever I can, even though I can afford to use a private helicopter instead.

I barely have to wait before the local train pulls into the station. It is silent and unoccupied, quite unlike the typical Mumbai local train, and as it glides along the tracks, I find myself wondering about the passengers getting on and off at the stations along the way, their stories briefly intersecting with my life. There’s a sense of freedom in believing that the train can take you anywhere. And in this little moment where I’m sitting alone in a largely empty compartment, I find joy in the simple pleasures of life. This journey to Bandra becomes the very destination I want to be stationed at.

Have you ever just sat by yourself and soaked in the moment? Just felt the gentle breeze on your face and the warm morning sun in your soul? Have you listened to the white noise in the background stretch on until the end of space? Have you ever let yourself be so present in the moment that neither does the past surface from the depths of your heart nor does the future knock on the doors of your mind?

I was in that kind of zone when a notification alert from the AILENA app popped up on my phone. My heart begins to race and my feet go cold. Chatting with Kiana has been the best thing to happen in the last week. I quickly open our chat window, and I notice that there’s a natural bounce in my body, like I’m a little rabbit hopping around in the grass.

Kiana: Hey, Neer! Message me if you’re free!

Me: Hey, you! I’m free! How are you doing? You’ve been pretty silent these last couple of days.

Kiana: Right back at ya! You haven’t messaged me either!

Me: Guilty as charged! I guess we’ve both been busy with things. Anyway, what’s up with you? How’ve you been?

Kiana: I’m good. In SFO at my uncle’s place, which is like my home away from home. I’ve just been chilling here, eating, sleeping, hanging out with my folks … what about you?

Me: Nice! I’m going apartment hunting today.

Kiana: Oh! You’re changing homes?

Me: I’m changing cities. I live with my parents in Delhi actually. But now I’m moving to Mumbai!

Kiana: Oh! Is it the first time that you’re moving out of your home?

Me: Not really. I’ve lived in a hostel before, in IIT Delhi, and then briefly in Bangalore. But that was with roommates.

Kiana: Living on your own is tough.

Me: Actually, I’m moving in with someone. Her name is Nia.

Kiana: You have a girlfriend? What????

Me: Umm, well, I used to think so too, but I was told recently that we’re in a ‘situationship’. There’s no ‘relationship’ really.

Kiana: Why are you changing cities and moving in with her then? And what are you doing here, looking for a partner on this app? Is this some kind of a joke?

Me: No, no! Let me explain! I’m not so sure about my current relationship. It isn’t going anywhere, you know!

Kiana: Why don’t you take a call? It’s either this or that.

Me: I don’t know. I’m really confused. I’m looking for a serious relationship, for love. But I’ve also invested a year in this relationship.

Kiana: Does she know that you’re chatting with me on this app? And that we’re potentially looking at starting a relationship?

Me: No.

Kiana: Do you think not being transparent is cool? Because I think it sucks!

Me: You’re correct. I should let her know.

Kiana: Whatever happened to old-school romances!

Me: God only knows!

Kiana: Do you love her?

Me: I’m not so sure.

Kiana: Then let her know about us or better still, break up with her.

Me: What? We’ve just met and you want me to dump her?

Kiana: She’s not even your girlfriend!

Me: Yes, but what if she ends up feeling hurt?

Kiana: Oh! She won’t. Just take my advice and break up with her. What’s the point of moving in with someone who doesn’t love you and doesn’t want a serious relationship with you? You’ll just waste each other’s time before you eventually move on. So, just move on already!

Me: How do you know that?

Kiana: Been there, done that!

Me: But what if I don’t?

Kiana: I wouldn’t want to take things further with you.

Me: I guess I had to hear it from someone today. I thought my best friend would tell me to stop, but he didn’t. I suppose you’re right. I need to break up ASAP.

Kiana: You’re not even her boyfriend, so technically, you can’t break up. Just move on. Haha!

Me: Thank you for your kind encouragement, ma’am!

Kiana: You’re welcome. I would also suggest that you continue apartment hunting, but try living alone now.

Me: But why? I have it all sorted out in Delhi.

Kiana: Stepping out of your comfort zone can teach you so much. You’ll have to deal with being homesick at times, but it’ll help you in your personal growth journey.

Me: I’ll give it a thought. But enough about me. What are your plans for the day?

Kiana: Well, it’s nighttime here, so I have no big or exciting plans. I’ll just go to bed now. Planning to wake up early and hit the road for a jog.

Me: All right! Sounds good to me. I keep forgetting the time difference between us, sorry! You have a great day tomorrow, Kiana. And good night for now!

Kiana: Thanks! And you have a lovely day ahead. All the best for the apartment hunting! And for your ‘breakup’!

With that, another lively chat session comes to an end. I let out a long sigh. Kiana’s words play around in my mind. I understand that living on your own can be incredibly empowering. Nothing can match the feeling of being so fiercely independent that even goddamn God stays out of your way. But I’m also afraid of this feeling of independence. What if I’m never able to allow my heart to love again? What if I’m never able to experience the euphoria of coming back home to someone? Would I die alone?

And so, the dilemma continues. The quest to find a soulmate is so frightening. A teardrop rolls down my right cheek. The reality of being in a situationship and the lack of having someone to genuinely love and be loved by hits me hard now. It took a chat with someone I’ve just met on an app to make me realize the kind of shit I was in. The thing is, some of us believe that we have our shit figured out, and some of us believe that we haven’t figured out our shit yet but that we eventually will. The truth, however, is that no one ever really figures their shit out. Ever. And that is life.