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Nirvaan

Saturday, 17 December 2022 Atlantis, Dubai

‘Sometimes, time is on our side and we feel that we can conquer the world. And sometimes, time isn’t on our side and we feel let down by the world. Good times don’t come with the guarantee that they will stay, so when the times are good, one must make the most of it.’

I s there ever a perfect time to get married? Should I wait until I’ve accomplished more in my career or until I’ve travelled the world and experienced more of life? Or should I seize the moment and take the plunge, trusting that everything will fall into place on its own?

It’s overwhelming to balance what I want to do with what I should be doing. All the pressure from family and society about when and whom to marry doesn’t make it any easier. With my birthday just around the corner, the persistent whisper urging me to succumb to this pressure, to find someone and settle down before it’s ‘too late’ is just getting louder and louder. But deep down, I know that love isn’t something you can plan or schedule. It’s a feeling that sweeps you off your feet when you least expect it.

I’ve dated many girls with whom I could’ve settled down. I didn’t really have a problem with any of them, but none of them stayed. Sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck in this endless maze as I try to figure out which path will lead me to the right person to marry. But every turn presents a new set of questions, doubts and uncertainties that I must face head-on.

How do I know if Nia is really ‘the one’? Do I truly want to spend the rest of my life with her? Am I ready for this commitment? Will I regret my decision later? How can I be sure of anything?

I guess I’ll just have to keep wandering through this maze, hoping to stumble upon the answers I seek.

They say life is full of magic and surprises only if you let it be!

All I know is that Nia is different. She’s been with me for about a year now and things have been good. Nia is a model and is likely to land her first movie role anytime now. Her social media account has a huge following, with fans who love and adore her for her content. The fact that she posts pictures of her meals on Instagram before even having a bite annoys me sometimes; it’s almost like she lives for Instagram. But then that’s how the entire world has turned out to be, right? We’re all chasing social validation before anything else. I used to judge her choices earlier, but now, not so much. After all, she’s truly self-made, and who am I to pass judgement on her way of life?

I extended my stay in Dubai until the weekend because it’s my birthday tomorrow. I plan to take Nia out for a romantic dinner and pop the big question to her then. I’ve planned it meticulously. I’ve booked an entire beachside restaurant for the evening, given very detailed instructions to the service staff there about what to do, hired a violinist who’ll play for us, and also found a professional videographer to capture the moment. I’m sure she’ll want pictures and video clips for her social media. I also went shopping in the morning at the Burj Mall—I had the day to myself since I’d managed to wrap up all my work in Dubai the day before—and bought myself a dapper black suit.

I look at myself in the full-length mirror in my fancy suite and take a deep breath to alleviate my anxiety. I know that a black suit never fails to impress a lady, and I’m hoping it’ll do the trick with Nia. She’s been busy the whole day with her ad commercial shoot and will join me directly at the Marina restaurant.

As the sun sets over the horizon, making the waters of the Persian Gulf look like liquid gold, I walk down to the restaurant. Nestled amidst swaying palm trees and overlooking a pristine stretch of white sand, the Marina restaurant exudes an air of exclusivity and sophistication. My lady loves to indulge in luxury. Who wouldn’t? I breathe a little easier and give myself a virtual pat on the back—the beachside setup is pretty impressive, and I’m sure Nia will say yes.

The entrance of the restaurant is adorned with an intricately carved archway built in the typical Arabian style of architecture, which leads to a spacious outdoor dining area. A luxurious cabana made of white satin drapes sits in the middle of this space, offering an intimate setting for the perfect romantic dinner. Yellow fairy lights strung along the drapes cast a warm and enchanting glow over the place.

I can see that our table has been dressed in crisp white linen and decorated with red roses, exactly as instructed. Plush satin cushions and elegant furnishings provide both comfort and style. Our table has an unobstructed view of the Persian Gulf, and as I take a seat, I savour the salty sting of the sea breeze on my skin. The world-renowned chef Anita Khanna has specially curated the menu for tonight’s dinner. Like I said, I wanted everything to be indulgent and perfect tonight!

I’m still lost in my thoughts as I sit looking at the sunset, when I’m interrupted by a loud yet familiar voice, ‘Babe! Can you believe it? My followers just hit a million!’

I turn around to see Nia almost dance her way towards me. The fact is, her energy and enthusiasm are very attractive.

‘That’s great, Nia! I’m so proud of you!’ I stand up and give her a hug.

‘But I have a hunch that you knew this already. And I’m assuming that you’re throwing a party for me to celebrate this?’ she asks as she quickly surveys the table and the surroundings.

‘It’s also my birthday tomorrow, Nia. Didn’t it occur to you that the party could be for us to celebrate that?’ I try to sound a little stern, but I end up winking at her.

‘Oh! I’m so sorry, babe! Happy birthday, in advance! I’m such a dumbhead. The shoot was so hectic. Ugh! I didn’t even remember to drink water every thirty minutes. And now see how dead my skin looks.’

All this while, even though she’s been talking to me, Nia continues to look straight into her cell phone’s front camera.

‘You look pretty to me.’ I smile.

‘That’s why I love you.’ She pouts prettily and sits down across the table from me.

‘But have you thought about our future together? Maybe we should start planning for something more long-term?’ I nudge her, holding her hand in mine.

‘Oh, don’t worry about that. Once my skincare brand takes off, we’ll be swimming in money! Plus, I’ll make sure you feature in all my posts.’ She’s clearly misunderstood my words.

‘It’s not just about our careers or the money, Nia. I guess I’ve made enough money already. I look forward to other things now, like stability. I want us to build a life together.’ I try to steer the conversation in the right direction.

‘Relax, babe. Money is stability. With my influence and your business mindset, we’ll be unstoppable.’

‘I just wish you’d see beyond fame and fortune. Like having a loving family, with pets and kids of course.’ I refuse to back down.

‘Hold on, are you hinting at marriage?’ She finally looks up from her phone and asks the right question.

‘Oh yes, I am. When do you think would be a better time? We’re doing great in our individual careers. If we get married, we’ll have each other to come back home to!’ I hold her hand tightly.

‘Umm … Let’s take it slow, babe. Maybe, we can move in together first?’ Nia sinks back into the chair and loosens her hand from my grasp.

‘Nia, to be honest, I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in trying things out with many women before I met you. But I guess you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I’m sure about it.’

That’s the thing about me. I don’t circle around stuff. I’m very direct and to-the-point when I want something.

‘All right, all right, we can talk about it later. For now, let’s focus on my next post, okay? It’s going to be epic!’ She avoids the conversation and continues to shoot pictures and videos on her phone.

‘You seem distracted. What are you posting?’ I’m so mad now that I almost want to shout at her for never being fully present in the moment.

‘Just making an IG story about this huge dinner date that you’ve put together for me hitting a million followers!’ She laughs playfully.

‘But won’t that be lying to your followers? Because I had no such intention,’ I say; my voice is louder than usual.

‘No, babe. It’ll improve our online reputation as a couple. We can sign up with bigger brands together. Also, I’ve been meaning to ask, why don’t you get active on social media? You have the perfect entrepreneur profile!’

Why is she going on and on about this? Can she not see that I’m irritated?

‘I’m happy keeping my private life to myself. I really don’t wish to share much with strangers,’ I refuse politely.

‘Babe, another thing! I just got approached by a luxury brand for a collaboration! I have to fly out to Milan for the shoot! It’s going to be huge!’ She continues blabbering while constantly looking at her phone.

‘That’s amazing, sweetheart. I’m happy for you,’ I say, pretending to be interested.

‘Get active on social media, dude. We’ll be living the dream, travelling the world and enjoying all the finer things in life.’

‘I get it, but Nia, I’m thinking more about stability, about building something together that lasts beyond social media trends,’ I say assertively.

‘But stability comes with success. Once we become a household name, we’ll have all the stability we need.’ She has a point, but her perspective is so different from mine that I don’t know what to say.

‘I’m not so sure. What if this social media fame fades? I want us to have a solid foundation, something that’s based on more than just IG likes and followers.’ I boldly voice my fear.

‘You worry too much! I have everything under control. Besides, don’t you want to be with a successful woman?’ she asks innocuously and holds my hand again.

‘I do, but for me, success means more than just numbers on a screen. It means building a life together and supporting each other through thick and thin,’ I say as I look into her eyes.

‘Okay, okay, let’s not argue. We can talk about this later. Right now, let’s focus on this fancy dinner.’ She comes over to my side of the table and kisses me. And her kisses are so magical that I almost forget everything else. I’m transported to a different world altogether. A world where everything, however it is, is perfect!

‘All right, sounds good. But can we promise to have a serious conversation about our future soon?’ I mumble under my breath.

‘Sure, babe. Now, let’s toast to my success and your birthday!’ She’s clearly happy to have so easily averted a fight with a kiss. Women do hold some weird power over men. And this whole dating thing, it’s beginning to feel a little like an unfair game.

I suddenly realize that it’s almost 7:30 p.m. and the violinist and the videographer must be on their way! Anxiously, I pick up my phone to message the guy I’d been coordinating with and tell him to ask the violinist to play random romantic songs instead of ‘La Vie En Rose’, as planned earlier. He messages me back saying that they’re both running ten minutes late. Thank God for that! I’m saved from the embarrassment of having to explain things to Nia!

As we make our through the starters and the soup, both Nia and I stay mum for a while, enjoying the tranquil sound of the waves rushing to the shore.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m hurrying things up because of this invisible pressure that’s always there at the back of my mind. It’s tempting to give in, to seek solace in the comfort of societal norms and expectations. Yet, deep down, I know that true fulfilment doesn’t come from conforming to external pressures. It comes only from following your own path, at your own pace. So, while the pressure may be intense, I know I should choose to stay true to myself and trust that my journey will unfold as it’s meant to. Whether or not it aligns with society’s timeline and expectations is not something I should worry about.

Maybe, it’s just a good time to celebrate my birthday.

‘Babe!’ Nia’s voice breaks my chain of thoughts. ‘There’s a violinist who’s looking at us from a distance, and he’s playing something.’

‘Yeah, well. I booked him for tonight, so we could dance under the stars and celebrate your success,’ I lie to her.

‘You’re the best!’ She scoots closer and sits on my lap. Then she proceeds to shower more kisses on my cheeks.

‘I know!’ I mumble.

The violinist continues to play through a generic playlist of romantic songs as Nia and I get up to dance.

‘Babe, we’re being recorded too!’ she says as she dances with both her hands resting lightly on my shoulders.

‘That’s for your social media. You can enjoy the moment without worrying about missed footage. This guy’s a professional videographer; he’ll help you with the footage for your next viral reel,’ I lie to her again.

‘OMG! Let’s move in together!’ she shouts out loud.

‘Okay, as you say,’ I whisper.

‘Will you invest in my brand?’ she asks suddenly.

‘Of course, I’ll write you a blank cheque.’

‘And where will we live? Can you move to Mumbai?’

‘Why not? I can work from anywhere. You’ve got most of your stuff lined up in Mumbai, so it makes sense for me to move, I guess. Let’s start hunting for a place together. I’ll fly to Mumbai and book a hotel room temporarily.’ I make that promise rather half-heartedly.

‘I love you!’ she whispers, hugging me tightly.

‘Am I your boyfriend, Nia?’ I ask her in a feeble voice. Now, for the first time since we got together, I’m scared to know what her answer is going to be.

‘Once we move in together, we would be …’ she trails off as she tries to think of the right word.

‘Partners,’ I say to fill in the uncomfortable silence.

‘Oh yes, quite a bit of progress, huh, mister?’ She smiles.

‘But we’ll have to commit at some point or the other. Probably get married?’ I ask her yet again.

‘It’s a situationship, Nirvaan, we’re not in a formal relationship,’ she counters.

‘What does that mean?’ I am shocked. Situationship? I’m hearing this word for the first time.

‘You don’t know what a situationship is?’ Nia looks equally shocked.

‘No, please, do educate me.’ I force out a smile.

‘A situationship is, well, it’s interesting. It blurs the lines between friendship, dating and commitment. We have undefined expectations from our partner, and we just sort of go with the flow!’ she states in a matter-of-fact tone.

‘But then why invest time and emotion into something that’s so inherently uncertain?’ I ask. I’ve always been a pretty logical guy—it’s either this or that. I’ve never been a this- and -that type of a person. I do go with the flow with some things in life, but I’m quite certain I want to break this particular status quo in my relationship.

‘In a situationship, there’s a strange allure … a pull towards the excitement of venturing into the unknown.’

‘Like the thrill we experience while gambling on the poker table?’ I ask as we continue to dance slowly in each other’s arms.

‘Yes! You’ve expressed the idea in such an amazing way!’ She kisses me yet again. And that puts a full stop to our conversation.

But it does no such thing to my thoughts which wander down memory lane and make me think back about my very first kiss, the one I shared with Kiranjeet. I try to recreate that moment in my head … The taste of her strawberry lip balm, the warmth of her body pressed close to mine, the way her tongue felt against mine. It was magical. It was heady. And even though I’ve kissed quite a few women after Kiranjeet left me, it has never been the same. I’ve never felt that kind of spark with anyone else. Never.

Before I can crowd my head with more of these thoughts, I force myself to snap back to the present. Nia decides to call it a night; she’s tired after the ad shoot. We walk back to my suite and Nia falls asleep in a minute or so. I, however, am far from being sleepy. So, I step into the balcony to smoke. Taking a long drag of the cigarette, I can’t help but wonder if I did the right thing by signing up on this AILENA app. Was being in a relationship and still signing up for something like this even appropriate? Wasn’t I violating my own value system by not choosing this or that? Why was I now volunteering for this and that?

Then again, I could perhaps draw some solace from what Nia had said. We’re not even in a ‘formal relationship’! It’s a fucking ‘situationship’. Great, at least I don’t feel as guilty now as I did while signing up. In any case, from what I could gather from our conversation today, Nia doesn’t see much of a future for us.

I let out a long sigh. I feel like discussing this whole thing with Vedant. I almost call him up, but I can’t bring myself to actually hit the call button. Why is it so difficult for some people to share their emotions and dilemmas with others? My sister is quite the opposite. Since childhood, she’s been able to voice everything very clearly. I can call her as well and seek some advice, but she’s busy handling her own family and I really don’t want to bother her.

I’m still contemplating my doomed situationship when I receive an email from ULIC. When I open the email, I can’t quite believe my eyes, for it says I should download AILENA, set up my profile and start my first chat. What?! The app had found me a match already? Unbelievable! But how could I be the one chosen for the beta test? Had Asmitha really rigged a fair game for the sake of my investment? But that’s just impossible!

I open the app on my phone and stare at the landing page. During the signing-up process, I had filled in all my details meticulously, but now when I log in, the app asks me whether I wish to maintain anonymity until I trust the partner who’s been chosen for me and the app’s ecosystem. I decide that anonymity is a good option. It might be better to use a different name; being a public figure isn’t as fancy as it seems, and sometimes, you have to pay a hefty price for being in the public eye. The absence of a private life has always troubled me, and I’ve done everything in my power to protect what little privacy I have. Using my real name might give Asmitha direct access to my personal world, and that would be totally unwanted.

We think we have a lot of time in life, but the fact is that we don’t know how much time or what quality of time we have left. Sometimes, time is on our side and we feel that we can conquer the world. And sometimes, time isn’t on our side and we feel let down by the world. Good times don’t come with the guarantee that they will stay, so when the times are good, we must make the most of it. We shouldn’t put anything on hold until tomorrow, because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

And with this medley of thoughts in my head, I scroll through the app and see that I’ve been paired with a woman name Kiana.

I take a deep breath, and then type out my first message, using my new pen name: Neer.

Me: Hi Kiana! You seem like someone I’d love to get to know.