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Kiana

Wednesday, 18 January 2023 Downtown Chicago

‘Life can surprise you, and it can shock you. But in the end, life will always enlighten you.’

I decide to start my day by indulging in a slice of frozen pizza, which I promptly microwave for breakfast while brewing my morning cup of coffee. As the aroma of the strong black coffee fills the apartment, I catch Luna’s gaze, and although no words are exchanged, her presence brings me a sense of comfort.

The weather outside reflects my current state of mind—turbulent and unpredictable. Looking through my apartment window, I see the city already blanketed in snow. The blue lake is completely frozen over by now. I’d woken up to an extreme cold weather alert in the morning, with the weather department advising everyone to stay indoors until 4 p.m. As a result, I’m working from home today. I take a moment to tend to the plants in my living room, finding solace in the activity even as the thoughts I’ve been consciously trying to avoid find their way back into my existence and circle in a loop inside my head. Sometimes, the more you wish to get away from a particular chain of thoughts, the more they pursue you.

For a while now, I’ve been thinking about Nirvaan. If I ever found him again, would he want to get back with me? After all, I did break his trust when I left him after having made all those promises about being in love with him. Would he believe me if I told him about whatever had happened in my life after we parted ways? Would he believe it if I told him that I’d never fallen in love again the way I did with him? That I couldn’t bare my heart to anyone else? That I missed India only because I missed him?

But maybe there’s no point in thinking about these things.

Life has moved forward. And the closest I’ve come to experiencing true love again is with Neer. Perhaps I should give this relationship a chance. But things have been a little strange on that front since our Seychelles tour. I haven’t received any messages from Neer since that day, and my messages to him also seem to remain undelivered. We had such a great time. Maybe he really wanted me to visit him in India and was put off by my reluctance. While I could never stay back in India for Nirvaan, I should perhaps reconsider going back to India for Neer.

Dependency is such a terrible state to be in. Because when you’re dependent on someone else for your happiness, that person holds the key to your life. And without that person, you feel locked out of joy. I don’t want to ever be so dependent on anyone. But then being too independent has also scared me. You can’t do or be everything you wish to all at once. I was once so overtly dependent on Nirvaan that I had to work extra hard at becoming fiercely independent, and now I’m kind of going down the same path by becoming dependent on Neer for my happiness. It’s all cyclic!

I wish I could talk to Zayn about all this. He’s that one person with whom I can discuss this kind of shit without getting judged. Where is he when I need him the most? Why did he not tell me that he’d be gone for so long? Once he goes on his digital detox drive, only God knows when he’ll resurface. But yeah, I could’ve really used a friend today.

I could call Aunt Mannie. She knows me the most, and somehow, being dependent on her for emotional support has never sucked. She is my true soulmate.

Just as I pick up my phone to call her, I see a message from my new neighbour. We first met each other in the elevator a few days ago when I was on my way out to work. He didn’t have a cat or a dog, but he held the lift door open for me and smiled first. So, I returned the smile, and he said, ‘May you have a great day!’—that too, in Hindi.

Thrilled to find someone who spoke the same language as me, I asked him, ‘Did you just move into the building? Same floor as me, right?’

‘Yes, I’ve just moved in. You’re Indian?’ he asked.

‘Yes.’ I smiled.

‘Which part of the country?’

‘New Delhi. And you?’ I enquired.

‘I’m from Lahore actually,’ he replied.

‘Ah! It’s great to meet you,’ I replied. Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Sri Lankans and Nepalis, we’re all in the same team here. We’re the brown people. So, when it’s brown versus white or black, we forget all the enmity that has been fed into our systems and band together. Our nationality just doesn’t matter here. This was a big lesson for me when I moved to the West.

‘Same here!’ he said politely.

We were both rushing to our respective workplaces, so we quickly exchanged numbers with a promise to catch up over a cup of masala chai soon. And that’s exactly what he was asking me to do today—to come over to his place and have chai. It’s such a rare kind of invitation to receive in downtown Chicago that I instantly write yes. And leaving the coffee to turn cold and the pizza to die another death, I find myself seated in his living room in a matter of ten minutes.

Shahnawaz looks like he’s in his late fifties and has an oddly comforting presence. Of average height, his salt-and-pepper hair and weathered face reflect his age and years of experience. There is a confidence in his demeanour that is enviable, and behind a pair of glasses, his chocolate-brown eyes twinkle with kindness.

‘The masala chai is brewing,’ he says. ‘I brought back some special spices from Lahore when I went home during the new year.’

‘Wow! I could smell the goodness in your apartment the minute I walked in. But you haven’t settled in completely, have you?’ I ask as I look around his apartment and spot some unopened cartons lying around.

‘Oh yes! I haven’t had the chance to unpack. I moved here from Seattle just a month ago, and then I went back home to Pakistan. After that, I was visiting my daughter in Arizona. So, in my defence, I’ve practically had less than a week to myself in this apartment!’ he explains.

‘Take your time settling in and let me know if you need any help.’ I smile.

‘Thanks! Is there an Indian store around? I’m too lazy to drive to the suburbs to a Patel Brothers outlet.’

‘Oh yes! There’s one that I visit regularly. It’s just two lanes away. In fact, I have to stock up on my groceries. And since I’m working from home today, maybe we can go together?’

‘Sounds like a plan!’ he says. He walks back into the kitchen and pours the chai into two handpainted mugs.

‘What do you do, Shahnawaz?’ I ask.

‘I’m a psychiatrist with the North Shore Hospital group downtown.’

‘Wow.’ I’ve always been in awe of those who work in healthcare.

‘How about you?’

‘I’m a product manager at Beta.’

‘Interesting!’ he says.

And just when we’re about to dive deeper into a conversation about our immigrant lives like most brown people do when they meet for the first time, a notification on my AILENA app pops up. It reads: ‘WE’VE FOUND A NEW MATCH FOR YOU.’

I don’t understand what this could mean. New match? I open the notification and see that it says, ‘We found Neer and you incompatible for a long-term match. Therefore, we’ve cut off your connection in AILENA-verse. But we’ve reprocessed our database and found a better match for you.’ My heart starts to beat fast and I can feel my mind going into a state of shock. I begin to tremble fiercely as I read the lines over and over again.

‘What the hell?’ I whisper under my breath.

Shahnawaz, having just walked back into the living room with the tea, realizes that something is not quite right with me. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks, putting the tray on the coffee table in front of me.

‘Umm … I-I don’t know,’ I stammer. I feel a little breathless and there is a growing tightness in my chest.

‘Take deep breaths and just stay still,’ he says, adopting a very typical doctor-like manner. He sits down beside me and gently holds my hands in his.

‘I’ve lost him,’ I murmur as I try to gather myself and take deep breaths as instructed.

‘Just breathe for now. We’ll talk about it later,’ he says. His voice feels as reassuring as a mother’s.

‘I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it,’ I whisper. And the next thing I know, I’m sobbing vehemently. It’s like I’ve been possessed by a spirit that only knows how to cry. I feel so guilty and ashamed about crying in front of a stranger, but I’m helpless. I cannot control my body or my mind enough to stop the tears. Even as these thoughts run in my mind, I realize that this feels like the time I had my first panic attack. Maybe I was having a panic attack again?

Eventually, with Shahnawaz talking me through it and ensuring I focus on my breathing, I stop crying.

‘Tell me about it,’ he gently urges me to talk once I’m calm enough.

‘I met this guy a couple of weeks ago, and I fell in love with him. But now I can’t reach out to him.’

‘Did he block you?’

‘No. Much worse. The app where we met deemed us incompatible and cut off our connection.’

‘So just call him. You’ve met him, right?’

‘No, it isn’t that simple. We’ve only met virtually. We’ve had no contact outside of the app’s universe.’

‘This sounds strange and unfamiliar. What’s going on with you young people in this new world?!’

‘You won’t get it, Shahnawaz. Maybe you’re a bit too old to understand.’

‘Maybe. But there must be some way to reach him, no?’

‘Not from here. I know he lives in India, and he’s a bigshot entrepreneur there. The main launch event for this app will happen soon in India. I could probably go back and try to cajole the app’s founder to share his details with me. But then that’s a breach of confidentiality. She might not want to help. But she’s also my ex-classmate and she still owes me a favour from our time in the university. She’d passed out drunk at a bar one night and I’d driven her safely back home and put her to bed,’ I blabber on like a kid who’s suddenly found out that rainbows and unicorns could just be real.

‘See, you have all the answers with you. So, what’s stopping you? Apply for some leave from work and go back to India!’

‘Unless I just let things be and give this new match a try.’

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to go back to India.’

‘Why?’

‘My parents, my home and my past are what I dread the most. I don’t want to face any of them again. I’ve worked very hard to build this life for myself. I don’t really want to go back. As a grown-up, you often start hating a lot of people you might’ve otherwise loved while growing up. The fault is not completely theirs though, because it’s not that they have changed. It’s just that you’ve evolved. And where it’s possible to shut these people out of your life, you end up doing so.’

‘But all of us also have that one person whom we can’t totally shut out. We have to deal with them. In that case, finding the tiniest bit of good in them can help us stay positive. Attracting too much negativity or dwelling too much on it is bad for our health,’ Shahnawaz says.

I nod my head, thinking about the first time I went for a therapy session after my panic attack. What were the odds that I’d have another panic attack of sorts right when there’s a psychiatrist sitting next to me! ‘I’m sorry for all the crying and the venting,’ I tell him. ‘I didn’t mean to screw up your day.’

‘Crying is your superpower. It’s the first thing you did when you popped out of your mother’s womb because it’s proof that you’re alive. I don’t mind you crying. You can do it again if you want,’ Shahnawaz says kindly.

‘I wish my mother had known you. She’s never really cried in front of me or let me cry even though we had to go through all sorts of shit in life.’

‘You can easily go back to India, Kiana. We live in the twenty-first century. All you have to do is log into some app or the other, book your tickets and fly off.’

‘I can’t, really.’

‘What am I wearing?’ he asks, pointing to his glasses.

‘Specs?’

‘Do you agree that if I were born in a different century, I wouldn’t have had specs and the quality of my life would have been significantly different because I would have been living like a half-blind person?

‘Yes. What’s the point?’

‘Think?’

‘Okay … do you mean to say that I shouldn’t think of silly excuses to not go back to India when we live in this new era of convenience?’

‘Yes, exactly. People posted love letters from war-torn countries just a century ago and you can’t even book a ticket to possibly meet the person you say you love?’

‘Truth is, I don’t wish to see my parents. I can never forgive them for what they did to us. My elder sister killed herself because my parents married her off to an NRI in a hurry. That man was toxic, but by the time she found out about it, it was too late. My parents didn’t support her, they didn’t listen to her when she told them about wanting to return home. They just wanted to secure visas and citizenships for both their daughters. I always felt like an unwanted burden. When my uncle offered to help me pursue higher education in the US, I saw it as an opportunity to escape that tiresome, claustrophobic life in India and pursue a better life here. But because of that decision to come here, I was forced to leave the love of my life behind.’

‘You have to let forgiveness find its way into your heart.’

‘But I just hate them too much. Enough to want to kill them at times. And I wanted to, multiple times, in the days following my sister’s suicide.’

‘People evaluate everything on the basis of their past karma and their own biased frames of reference. When you’re in the middle of a mess, it’s very hard to see the situation from an unbiased perspective. Maybe that’s why we all need a guru or a therapist in life. In my opinion, all of this has nothing to do with your parents. This is your life. Whether you want to go back or not should be your decision. The past is gone. It should not influence your future. And this is a decision for your future, not your past.’

‘Wow, you’re good at your job, aren’t you?’ I ask with a smile. ‘You must be thinking what a fucked-up psycho I am.’

‘Be kind to yourself. Sometimes, we judge ourselves based on how we assume others think of us, and we end up believing in those false notions too! Silly! Isn’t it?’

‘We’re all wired weirdly, I guess.’

‘Life is weird, but time is the greatest healer of all. The way a scratched knee heals over time, so does every other wound.’

‘But when things get difficult, time doesn’t seem to move at all. Where does one find the patience to keep at it then?’

‘One simply has to do it, there’s no other option. It took me eight years to deal with my divorce. Neither could I be with my wife, nor could I move on. But we had to take care of our daughter. I found meaning and a renewed sense of purpose in raising my child. And while my situation stayed the same, having a better perspective helped me shine bright during the worst time of my life.’

‘You start looking up to God when nothing else works out in life, isn’t it? I think that’s going to be my perspective from now on,’ I say.

I sit there in Shahnawaz’s home, lost in my thoughts and unable to wrap my head around all that happened in the past hour. I can hear the faint traces of country music playing somewhere in the apartment, but I can’t focus on the words. All I can think about is that everything had unfolded too quickly, like a single clap, and that sometimes, the world turns around in the duration of a clap. You can never plan what goes around and what comes around. Maybe Neer has left me today because at one point I had left Nirvaan. If we delegate the task of settling scores to the universe, it does its job best. Leaving it to God, as they say!

‘You can always count on me!’ Shahnawaz breaks the silence.

‘Thank you for the free therapy session,’ I say, smiling to lighten the mood. ‘Shall we go to the grocery store now?’ I ask him. ‘I could sure do with the walk.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ he replies.

We quickly wear our overcoats and step out into the cold. It’s freezing, but the fresh air does me good. I take Shahnawaz to the local stores near our apartment that are run by some Indians so he could find the right supplies easily. Once I’m back in my apartment, I get swept up in work again, and much later in the evening, I find myself standing by the huge glass window and looking at the moon.

In a couple of months from now, India will launch Chandrayaan 3 , a lunar mission with the objective of landing on the dark side of the moon. I wonder how things will change after that. Of course, this mission will raise India’s international standing even further, but for me, will it change the way I look at the moon? Will it become less mysterious for me?

And if the mission lands perfectly this time around, will I have the courage to call my dad and tell him that my country’s future isn’t as doomed and bleak as the mentality of the people around me, people like him?

There was a time when I wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and work at ISRO. But with my family situation, I knew it was not going to happen. Even Kalpana Chawla had to move to the West to pursue her ambitions.

Things are different today. Even as I think about the lunar mission, I feel a sense of pride in being Indian. I might be living and working in the US, but I still hold an Indian passport. And in spite of all my years here as a resident alien, an immigrant, I have never felt a sense of belonging.

But I’m not sure if it’s okay to cheer for my country. Can I take pride in my homeland’s achievements and progress after having chosen to immigrate and leave everything behind? Is it okay for someone like me to not feel a sense of belonging in the country that has given us new opportunities in life? Birds have been migrating for centuries, and yet the earth doesn’t judge them for it. So why should I question myself so much about my choices? Why can I not simply live with these choices and make peace with them? After all, it is us humans who decided to divide this earth into pieces by setting up boundaries and creating nation states.

Clearly, my mind is a confusing place, and finding the answers to some of life’s deeper questions is as complicated as it gets.

This standing by the window and staring at the moon is something I like doing every night, because while everything and everyone around me seem to keep changing, the moon kind of stays constant. It does change its form with time, going from a new moon to a full moon, but it’s all cyclic. And somehow, this change is easily witnessed in every other thing. Unlike the flowers that drop dead and don’t bloom again on the plants that I have in my apartment, the moon is always there, and I can watch it from my window every night. It gives me a false sense of conviction that at least one thing in my life is constant. It gives me hope and comfort.

Tonight though, there is no hope, no comfort that I draw from the moon. All I want to do is go and find Neer. But it feels like certain things in my life will never change no matter how hard I try—like the emptiness in my apartment that seems to stretch on endlessly, and the loneliness in my heart that goes down into the very depths of my being. And I know that I’m unable to love anything or anyone because it’s been quite a long time since I have been loved, even by myself.

Suddenly, I know what I need to do. I open the AILENA app and reject the offer to chat with another person. I have to fix myself first before I go looking for a relationship. Then, I put on some hard rock music, keeping the volume loud enough so I can feel the rush in my head and in my veins. I dance like a crazy weirdo, headbanging to the drums and shouting at the top of my voice every time the chorus plays. Eventually, I burst into loud and ugly sobs. Luna judges me from a distance, but there’s no one else around to say anything. This is my personal space, and I can be whoever I want to be here. Whether it’s a lonely, depressed artist who sings horribly or a mad cook who only serves frozen pizzas to anyone who visits her, I can be anyone!

Life can surprise you, and it can shock you. But in the end, life will always enlighten you. When you walk into a struggle, unprepared, unaware and naked, you don’t know if you will walk out of it like a warrior or not. In the middle of this struggle, you might see yourself at your lowest, lower than you ever thought you could be. But if you give yourself enough time and decide to live, you walk out calmer and stronger. You are dressed to face life again. And this goes on until one fine day, you are free from it all. You die. You move on from this tragedy called life. But while you live, at every stage of this journey, you must try to find some meaning in life. For this gives you hope; it helps you stay alive even though on some days, you struggle in this search for meaning.

As our circumstances change, so does our understanding of life. When we are young, and we are home , our parents and family mean the world to us, they bring meaning to our life. But when we grow up, we try to find meaning in other things. We look for meaning in our achievements, in our successes. We form friendships and try to find meaning in them. We find love and tell ourselves that the one we love is our reason to live. But a person can’t be the meaning of our life, nor can material achievements. Because the only everlasting meaning that can be found in life is in the pursuit of finding the meaning of life. And that’s life!