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Nirvaan

Wednesday, 18 January 2023 Bandra, Mumbai

‘We have all the power and the magic to make things right within ourselves.’

L iving on your own after leaving your parents’ home is a challenging yet liberating experience. You get to make your own decisions about everything—from what to eat for dinner to when to poop—and sometimes this is empowering and sometimes overwhelming. It also comes with having to deal with responsibilities like doing chores around the house and handling unexpected situations, like that tap in the bathroom that suddenly starts dripping or that malfunctioning AC in your bedroom that needs immediate repair. But Kiana was right when she said that it’s necessary to navigate the ups and downs of adult life on your own if you want to experience personal growth. And I can vouch for the fact that taking her advice has helped me evolve to a certain extent.

I have started to enjoy my cocooned life in the cosy studio apartment I’ve moved into in Bandra, where all I need to do is walk out to my balcony for the soothing sounds of the Arabian Sea to greet me every morning. When you enter my apartment, you’ll see large French windows that offer a breathtaking view of the sea, and that’s what sealed the deal for me. This was the tenth or twelfth apartment that I had checked out with the property agent, and I knew I wanted it the moment I entered it and saw the sunlight streaming in through the windows and the sea beyond. It was almost as if I was able to sense the good energy of this place.

The interiors have been done up in a tasteful, modern style, with soft greens and blues dominating the colour scheme to reflect the serenity of the sea. I wanted the beauty of nature to seamlessly blend with my urban lifestyle. A comfortable yellow suede couch sits by the French windows, inviting you to relax and take in the panoramic vista outside. The modern kitchenette on the right is compact but equipped with all the modern gadgets possible. It’s perfect for me, and I can feel the sea breeze on my face when I cook in the late evenings. In my bedroom, I’ve got a plush bed that’s been positioned strategically to offer glimpses of the Bandra-Worli Sea Link. What can I say, I got extremely lucky with this apartment. The owner had curated this paradise for himself, but he had to urgently move to Singapore, and I became his first renter!

The first guest I’ve invited to this apartment is Mr Mehta, my portfolio manager. I’ve asked him to come over for breakfast. He’s an old man with weathered features and a few strands of grey on his head. He exudes wisdom, having spent decades managing his family-owned business. His eyes, etched with stories of resilience, reflect the entrepreneurial spirit that has sustained his legacy. But he doesn’t quite understand the modern valuations of startups; he’s always been that bottom-line profit-oriented guy. But his conservative approach to investing helps me a lot since I’m not very good at managing my personal finances. My dad had introduced me to him a few years back when I was struggling with my first startup. This was right after college, and Mr Mehta has been with me through thick and thin since then.

He was quite shocked by my invitation when I texted him on WhatsApp. He has always known me as this laid-back college boy who would rather order food than cook it himself. But I’m enjoying cooking, for myself and others. I’ve seen Mehta Uncle ordering eggs, sunny side up, for breakfast whenever we’ve met at some fancy breakfast place. And today, he’ll taste heaven when I prepare them for him. And yes, I have some freshly baked bread as well.

When the doorbell rings a little later, I hurry over to usher him in.

‘What a pleasure to be here, beta!’ he says as he steps in and takes a quick look around the place.

‘Thanks, Uncle.’

I take him to the small breakfast table I’ve set up on the balcony and ask him to sit while I bring everything out from the kitchen. He nods and takes a seat, and then waits for me patiently while I bustle around, carrying things back and forth from the kitchen. When I finally sit down in front of him with a vegan pancake I’ve made for myself, he digs into his eggs with enthusiasm.

‘This tastes amazing, Nirvaan! I wasn’t aware that you’re such a talented cook,’ he says with his eyes wide open in surprise.

‘Thanks, Uncle! Cooking is like therapy for me these days. Anyway, how’s our portfolio looking?’ I ask him the much-dreaded question for any investor.

‘Not as solid as always. Some of your ventures are performing exceptionally well while some have bombed. The acquisition that you’re planning to make in the tech sector, the AILENA app, are you sure of that one?’

‘Only time will tell. I have a hunch though, that it’ll be a huge thing. There are so many singles out there, just like me, looking for love. It’ll sell.’

‘But your investment amount is way too high. If you haven’t committed to the deal on paper yet, I would suggest that you ask your fellow investors for their opinion and conduct a thorough due diligence,’ he says with concern.

‘Noted.’

‘Now, any new ideas brewing in that entrepreneurial mind of yours?’ he asks.

‘Not really. I’ve been focusing on my personal life these days. I’d love to pick your brain on the investment potential of certain sectors, but some other day.’

‘All right. As long as you don’t let emotions influence your investment decisions, it’s all good,’ he warns me.

‘Yes, true. But I do let my emotions get the best of me sometimes, like they did with some of my crypto investments.’

‘Emotions can be the biggest impediment when it comes to making sound decisions, beta, particularly in high-stress situations like market crashes. It’s crucial to base investment decisions on logic and thorough analysis rather than fear or excitement.’

‘You’re right, Uncle. I need to adopt a more rational approach moving forward. What should I do to make my investments more solid and secure?’

‘I keep telling you that diversification is key. We need to spread your investments across different asset classes and industries to reduce your risk exposure. You’ve been inclined heavily towards high-risk startups. That’s not good.’

‘Fair, fair. Why don’t you buy some dull government FDs on my behalf?’ I wink playfully.

‘Nirvaan, we really do need to be careful. That’s all I’m trying to say!’

‘I know, Uncle. I’ll prioritize logic over emotions in my investment strategy from now on, I assure you. But I’ve made up my mind to invest in AILENA,’ I tell him.

The doorbell rings just then, and I remember at that very instant that I’d invited Asmitha over as well. I hadn’t spoken to her after our first meeting, except for a brief chat on WhatsApp. I bring her in and introduce her to Mr Mehta. They exchange a few pleasantries and then Mr Mehta leaves.

‘It’s great to finally meet in person, isn’t it?’ Asmitha says as the two of us settle down in the balcony for a chat. ‘Nothing beats real-time meetings. I’m just done with connecting virtually after the pandemic.’

‘Very true,’ I agree.

‘I’m very excited to discuss the terms of your investment in AILENA,’ Asmitha says, smiling.

‘Likewise! I’ve been looking forward to diving into the finer details with you. But tell me, what made you venture into this field?’ I ask her. While I’m super excited about the AILENA app after that first virtual experience in Seychelles, I cannot tell Asmitha that I’m the first beta tester for the app.

‘Well, I’ve always been fascinated by the potential AI has to solve complex problems. It’s amazing how nuanced data analysis can unlock insights and drive innovation across various industries,’ she replies.

‘Absolutely, data is the new gold mine! Speaking of which, how do you ensure the integrity and quality of your data?’

‘We have rigorous protocols in place to collect, clean and analyse data. Our team consists of experts in data science and machine learning who ensure accuracy and reliability at every step.’

‘Impressive! Now, let’s talk about the funding. Have you thought about valuation and the equity split?’ I ask her.

‘Yes, we’ve done our homework and have a proposal ready. We believe our technology and market potential justify the valuation, and we’re open to discussing an equity distribution that aligns with our mutual goals.’

‘Sounds reasonable. Before we dive into the numbers though, tell me a bit about yourself. What do you enjoy doing outside of work?’ I ask her casually.

‘Well, I’m a bit of a tech enthusiast, so I love tinkering with gadgets and experimenting with new software. But I also enjoy spending time outdoors to unwind and recharge. I’m into organic farming. How about you?’

‘Oh, I can relate! I’m a sucker for gadgets too. But outside of work, I’m passionate about travelling and exploring different cultures. It’s a great way to gain fresh perspectives and that, in turn, can spark new ideas.’

‘I couldn’t agree more. It’s important to find balance and inspiration beyond the confines of one’s workspace.’

‘Exactly!’ I smile.

‘Well, shall we delve into the nitty-gritty of the investment then?’ she asks.

‘You can email the proposal to me. My team will take a look at it, and then we’ll get back to you. But let’s close the deal within this week since you have the main launch event coming up.’

‘Sure!’ she says.

‘So, how’s the beta test going?’ I ask her.

‘Oh! We’ve been successful in finding our first match, but …’ she trails off.

‘But what?’ I ask nervously.

‘But they don’t seem like a compatible couple to AILENA. She’s actually going through our database of users who’d signed up for the beta test and looking for other compatible matches for both of them. Once she’s successful in doing that, she’ll inform them about it, and then they can move forward with their new matches.’

‘What? Why?’ I’m shocked.

‘I don’t know the exact metrics she’s used to come to this decision, but I trust her algorithms,’ Asmitha says defensively, sounding a little unsure.

‘How long will it take until the first successful match?’ I ask, trying to act composed.

‘I can’t say really, but I hope to find it before our first launch event.’

‘Did you not ask AILENA why she thinks the existing couple is not compatible?’ I’m having a hard time concealing my apprehension now.

‘Oh I did. It seems that on analysing the data AILENA collected via our sophisticated life gear which the two users wore during their first virtual experience together, she found that they were lying to each other about some things. Data from their past social media histories also supports this,’ she mutters.

‘Like big lies? Or small ones? Because we all lie sometimes.’

‘I don’t know how big or small the lies were. But you know that humans are much more complex than our algorithms. And one of the shortcomings of AI is that it can’t understand the emotions behind such occurrences. But we base our outcomes on logic and data,’ Asmitha clarifies.

‘But don’t you think this is a huge shortcoming?’ I ask her a little aggressively.

‘Every machine, however sophisticated it is, has some shortcomings, Nirvaan! Even the Boeing jets crash sometimes,’ she argues.

‘But we’re dealing with people in love. Heartbreak has its own cost. This particular shortcoming can have severe mental health repercussions for our users,’ I voice my doubts.

‘But here’s the thing: AILENA is programmed in such a way that she can’t cut off the connection between the two users totally without the consent of at least one party. So, if she does end up doing that, then it means that at least one of the users did not wish to take the relationship forward!’

Asmitha’s words, while giving me a little more insight into the situation, send a shockwave down my spine. Because I had said ‘yes’ after the virtual experience, and if AILENA was looking for a new match for both Kiana and me, it meant that Kiana had said no to continuing the relationship with me!

I barely speak to Asmitha after this, and sensing the shift in my mood, she quickly says goodbye and leaves.

But our conversation pushes me deep into a confusing whirlpool of questions and feelings. Why did Kiana say no? I thought the day had gone well. Had I said something or done something that upset her? Even as I try to make sense of things, I find myself thinking of the day when Kiranjeet told me that she was breaking up with me.

It happened the morning after she’d suddenly appeared at my house at night, and said that she was too afraid to sleep alone in her room. I could sense that something was off, but I decided not to question her about it right then and there. Instead, I told her that she could sleep over at my house. The next day, before she went back home, she’d told me that she wanted to pursue her ambitions in the US and that she couldn’t stay back in India. And then she’d literally fled. I’d been worried and confused all day after that, and when the phone rang later in the night, I’d jumped to answer the call.

‘Hello?!’ I heard Kiranjeet’s voice on the other end.

‘Hi. Why aren’t you asleep?’ I asked her.

‘I can’t go to sleep,’ she confessed.

‘Why?’

‘Nirvaan, I want to tell you something; it’s been troubling me for a while now,’ she whispered.

‘Okay, what is it?’

‘We need to break up, Nirvaan,’ she said, sounding like a programmed answering machine.

‘What? Is this a prank?’ I demanded. But Kiranjeet didn’t say anything. ‘What went wrong, Kiranjeet? Are you okay?’ It felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare. It couldn’t possibly be true.

‘I told you in the morning. I’ve decided to move to the US for further studies,’ she continued robotically.

‘But we discussed this! You said you’ll take a gap year and attempt the JEE once again. And then you’d apply to the same college as me so that we can be together once again!’

‘And what if things don’t go according to plan? My uncle has offered to sponsor my college tuition costs. And I’ll take a student loan to cover the remaining expenses. I cannot let go of this opportunity,’ she said.

‘But you’ll have to write the SATs. You’ll have to prepare for that as well.’ For some reason, I was quite convinced it was all a prank.

‘I’ve given the tests already. I’ve got an excellent score.’

I was stunned. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘Wow! Congratulations, Kiranjeet. I can imagine how happy you must be,’ I snapped back, sarcasm lacing my voice. ‘Why did you not tell me all this earlier?’

‘Because you won’t understand my situation. You don’t know anything about my family. All I can say is that I don’t have a choice,’ she whispered.

‘There’s always a way out. We’ve got the internet now. It’s easy to stay connected. I’ll take up a job in whichever city you are in. We don’t have to break up like this,’ I tried reasoning with her.

‘Nirvaan, I believe it’s best that both of us move on. We don’t know what the future holds for us. What if our paths never cross again?’ she asked. From the tone of her voice, I knew that she’d already made her decision.

‘But what if they do?’ I persisted. I still had hope for us.

‘I might never come back to India,’ Kiranjeet’s voice quivered as she said this.

‘I’ll come for you, Kiranjeet, wherever you are. I love you,’ I said, desperate to change her mind.

‘I love you too, Nirvaan. But I’ve failed you, and it would be very selfish of me to hold you back. I don’t want to do that.’ It seemed like she was well prepared to counter whatever I said to her.

‘Can we please meet once and then talk about this? Please?’ I begged.

‘No. I’m leaving soon.’

Her words felt like nails being driven into my coffin.

‘What! When are you leaving? When’s your flight?’ I started panicking.

‘I’m leaving in three weeks.’

‘Kiranjeet, I don’t know what to say. How do I process this? How can you just leave me like this? Don’t I deserve a chance to at least say goodbye?’ I asked helplessly.

‘Because I will love you forever, Nirvaan. And I don’t want to say goodbye.’

‘But what’s the point if we never meet again?’ I broke down into tears.

‘To love someone doesn’t mean that you’ll end up being with them forever. Sometimes, we just fall in love, and that’s that. Love doesn’t always culminate in a long-term relationship. It’s not me or you. It’s the circumstances that are forcing us apart,’ she tried reassuring me.

‘I’ll come to the airport. I have to see you before you leave,’ I said.

‘Please don’t. Don’t come to the airport. My parents might come to drop me off.’

‘But …’ I muttered.

‘I love you, Nirvaan.’ And with these last words, she hung up on me.

With Kiranjeet, I never got the closure I deserved. She didn’t meet me even once after that phone call. I had to beg and plead one of her friends to let me know the details of her flight so I could go to the airport and see her off, even if it was from afar. She left me with a thousand questions running through my head. Like, why on earth was she so scared of her family? Why did she never want to come back to them? Why did she not mention any of this to me before? Why did she keep lying to me about her feelings when she had no intention of being in a long-term relationship with me? I wasn’t able to understand her back then, and even after so many years now, I’m still at a loss about what happened!

And now there’s Kiana. What could’ve gone so wrong that she said no? I can never understand women!

Many times, when things are not going well, we question ourselves and overburden our hearts with guilt and self-doubt. We blame ourselves for everything that’s going wrong. And it could be absolutely true as well. It could be true that we are the problem. That we’re the ones who are accountable for everything going wrong. But just hold on for a second and read that last sentence once again: We’re the ones who are accountable for everything going wrong. What if this means that while we can’t control what is external to us, we can control the way we think and respond to a situation? What if this means that we’re the problem because we’re choosing not to make everything right? Because whatever has happened has already happened, and we don’t have the power to change that. But we still have the power to make things all right after that. We’re in total control of our own selves, and we have all the power and the magic to make things right within ourselves.

I might never be able to find Kiranjeet again, but I can definitely try to find Kiana!