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Kiana

Monday, 16 January 2023 Josie’s Cafe, Downtown Chicago

‘Stop waiting to be loved, to be wanted, to be cared for by someone else. You should do yourself that favour first.’

I ’ve decided to take the day off for myself after a long, long time. Yesterday was so beautiful that I want to bask in its glory for a few more hours. It’s the most unusual thing for me to do because I love Mondays. There’s mostly nothing for me to do on the weekends, so I love to rush to the office on a Monday and immerse myself in work.

I leave for Josie’s after taking a quick shower. I really want to tell Zayn everything, but to my surprise, he’s still not back in town, and his phone is still switched off. ‘Fuck this digital detox!’ I sigh. I really needed a friend today!

‘But Neer, please don’t break my heart!’ I whisper to myself. I hope I’ve found the love of my life this time.

When I lost Nirvaan, I lost not just the person I called my boyfriend, but also my dearest friend and confidant. I lost my home. Could I not have Skyped him and tried to keep the relationship alive? Maybe I could’ve. But he was so broken when I told him I was leaving that I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to keep in touch with me. More than that, it felt like keeping in touch would do him more harm than good.

When I left India, I didn’t just lose Nirvaan, I lost my family too. Considering the way I’d rebelled and left home, I didn’t want to stay connected with my parents after that. I do call up my mom sometimes—she wasn’t so much at fault for what happened after all. But she knows nothing about my life, really. I’ve always had a broken family. But Nirvaan was my only true family, the only person who ever felt like home . I could tell him anything. And I lost all of it when I came to the US.

I order my usual cup of coffee and pick up a book from the corner shelf. When there is no one around to talk to, I find solace in the company of books. I’ve barely started to read the book and sip on my coffee when I’m distracted by a very familiar voice calling my name, ‘Kiana!’

I stiffen in response. I can never forget this voice because it belongs to the person who gave me my American nickname: Kiana. And while this person exited my life a few years ago, the nickname stayed, even though officially, on all the paperwork, my name is still Kiranjeet. I slowly look up and see Liam, my ex-boyfriend, and a woman who could only be his wife standing in front of my table. And that’s not all, there’s a baby peeking out from a baby carrier fastened to Liam’s back.

‘Oh! Hi, long time.’ That’s all that finds its way out of my mouth. I feel a sudden urge to leave Josie’s right away. What is Liam even doing in Chicago?!

‘Hi, so you’re still in Chicago?’ Liam asks, and without waiting for my reply, he continues, ‘I moved here recently. Margaret’s family lives here, in the suburbs. We’re in Old Irving Park, close to her family home.’ He smiles.

So that’s Margaret. It bothers me that both Liam and his wife look completely unperturbed about this meeting. Margaret even smiles politely at me.

‘Ah, it’s a beautiful neighbourhood. There’s a bookshop there that I visit quite frequently,’ I reply in a flat voice.

‘It is a lovely neighbourhood, I agree. Right! Well, see you around, Kiana!’ Liam quickly turns and makes his way out of Josie’s. It was probably quite apparent from my face that I didn’t wish to talk any further.

‘Yeah, and congratulations on your baby!’ I almost shout.

Liam stares at me for a moment and then replies, ‘Thanks.’

After they leave, I’m unable to concentrate on my book or my coffee again. While I consciously force my gaze to stay on the page open in front of me, I can’t help but get swept up in the deluge of memories that take over my mind. Why did Liam, of all people, have to come and ruin such a special day for me? Ugh!

I met Liam in my second year at the university. We bumped into each other at the library and instantly bonded over books. He was an aspiring data scientist and wanted to turn the world around with some breakthrough research. I’d always been interested in Artificial Intelligence, so I enjoyed talking to him. We had so much in common. Six months after that chance encounter at the library, we went on our first date. Everything moved superfast after that, and before I realized what was happening, we had moved in together. New York is so expensive that this move gave us a chance to manage our life and finances together. We were each other’s pillars of strength.

Then, when I landed the job at Beta, I began dreaming about us moving to Chicago together. But that didn’t happen; instead, we broke up. It’s frustrating now to know that Liam did finally move to the city, but with another woman.

At that time, our apartment was a small but cosy studio hidden away in an old Brooklyn brownstone. The apartment had been somewhat neglected by its owner, and we got a pretty cheap deal on the rent. The living area had a worn-out, sagging sofa and a coffee table that was always cluttered with old magazines. The kitchenette, with its chipped countertops and flickering fluorescent light, lacked charm. In the bedroom, the faded curtains barely blocked out the streetlights that cast eerie shadows across the cramped space. But we had done our best to keep the dead place alive by covering up as much of its shortcomings as we could, and the only special thing about that shady apartment was coming back home to Liam. He was my family for a short while. And I used to believe that our love would keep us together in that not-so-dreamy place.

Now, as I sit with the coffee and resign myself to remembering everything with painful clarity, that whole fateful evening plays out in front of my eyes.

‘Darling! Guess what? I’ve landed the job at Beta,’ I told Liam the minute I got back to the apartment. ‘Finally, after all these years of struggle, we can build our dream life together! Chicago is cheaper than New York, so getting a nicer apartment will be easy! You can also enrol for your PhD there! I’m so glad that this is happening, Liam! Let’s go someplace fancy and celebrate.’

‘Congratulations, Kiana,’ Liam said, hugging me.

I made a dinner reservation at La Pristine in the downtown area for that evening and wore my fanciest dress.

‘Do you think we should get married?’ We were halfway through dinner when I asked Liam this question jokingly.

‘Do you want to become an American citizen now?’ he asked sarcastically. It was so unlike him that I was stunned.

‘Why would you say that?’

‘Because everything is going fine. What difference would marriage make to us?’ he asked.

‘I see it as a lifelong commitment, Liam. We value marriage in our culture a lot.’

‘I need time to think about this. I just feel like things have been moving way too fast. Plus, I don’t have a job right now,’ he said.

‘We’ll figure it out together. Besides, I’m here to take care of you,’ I reassured him.

‘Let’s talk about something else,’ he said, looking unusually distracted. He picked up his phone and began scrolling through his messages.

But I couldn’t let it go. ‘You’ve been a little off these last few days. You’re almost always on your phone. Is everything okay?’

‘Yes, all’s well,’ he replied and put away his phone.

‘Okay, if you say so.’

For the rest of the evening, we spoke about many other things, but it was a forced conversation. We came back home a little tipsy, and unlike all the other times in the past, Liam didn’t get intimate with me. That worried me. I’d been sensing a growing lack of warmth in our relationship, but I couldn’t understand the reason behind it. What was drawing Liam away from me? I was the perfect girlfriend, wasn’t I? I was looking after him both emotionally and financially. I was invested in his life and dreams. Then what was wrong?

Unwilling to give up, I pushed and coaxed a little harder until Liam came to me with reluctance. We made love, but it felt empty, as if the entire act was devoid of emotions. Like a song without any music. Like we were professional actors being paid to shoot a love scene for a film. He didn’t kiss me or look into my eyes even once. He just did his thing and went to sleep. I had to pleasure myself to reach a half-satisfactory orgasm.

I tossed and turned in bed after that, unable to make any sense of things. Finally, I decided to go out for a drive, because driving had become my escape, my therapy, and I had Aunt Mannie to thank for giving me this one superpower. I just had to put the key in the ignition, select a good playlist and hit the road to feel liberated.

It was almost midnight when I left to drive through downtown New York, the one place that never sleeps even when the rest of the world does.

Driving through downtown New York in the daytime, even today, is like navigating a huge maze. The streets are crammed with tall buildings on either side, and the traffic is perpetually loud and crazy. There are thousands of yellow taxis, delivery vans and fire trucks on the roads. Pedestrians are constantly darting across them—some are late for a Broadway show, some are out shopping, looking for first copies of big brands like Louis Vuitton being sold on the streets, some are just jaywalking and some are out drinking and getting wasted. There’s just too much movement, too much action.

And I remember how some of the streets were so dirty that they made me think of Chandni Chowk, especially when I saw big fat rats running in and out of potholes and drain holes. But amidst all this madness, there was a strange sense of belonging, like I wasn’t really alone in that big, lonely city.

I drove around for an hour, or two maybe, before coming back to the apartment. I crept in silently so that Liam wouldn’t get disturbed; he hated being woken up in the middle of the night or early in the morning. He was the kind who needed eight to ten hours of sleep straight, no questions asked. God only knows how he’s dealing with a baby keeping him up at odd hours now!

As I lay down beside him that night, I couldn’t help but notice that his phone was vibrating non-stop and the message alert light was blinking repeatedly. It was like someone was hitting his phone with a deluge of messages. I got up to put the phone away on the coffee table, lest it wake Liam up. The moment I picked it up, a new message notification flashed on the home screen.

It read: ‘Liam, I miss you, baby.’ And the sender’s name was Margaret.

Stunned, I tried to punch in Liam’s passcode and read the rest of the message. But even as I entered the numbers, I was aware that they were wrong. I immediately shook Liam up from his sleep.

‘Who is Margaret?’ I demanded loudly.

‘Huh?’ Liam sat up in bed, looking all confused.

‘I read the message on your phone, Liam. Who is Margaret?’ I shouted.

‘She’s a student I met at the library who is interested in pursuing a course in data science. So, I spoke to her about it, that’s it. There’s nothing more,’ he clarified, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

‘Then why is she texting you so late at night? And why is she writing “I miss you”?’ I asked.

‘We’re just casual with each other, there’s nothing wrong going on here, Kiana. We’ve gotten comfortable with each other … as friends.’

I took a deep breath and asked him point-blank, ‘Are you cheating on me?’

‘Calm down, baby. Just calm down,’ Liam said. He moved closer to me and tried to pull me into a hug.

‘Just say yes or no.’ I sat still, without an iota of expression on my face.

Liam looked away from me as he replied, his head bowed, ‘I am sorry.’

At that moment, every drop of blood in my veins froze. I started to shiver, as if I were not wearing a single piece of clothing and had been left abandoned on the footpath on a cold winter night. I felt robbed of my self-worth and completely stripped of my belief in love. I felt a range of emotions pass through my body in a matter of seconds. I wanted to get up and move, but my limbs wouldn’t obey my commands.

Then, just as suddenly, I stood up in anger and started to break things around the apartment. I wanted to destroy every corner of the home that we’d built together. And in that process, a new chain reaction of emotions got triggered. I started blaming myself for not being the perfect girlfriend and the perfect lover. I started to question everything about myself. I began cursing myself under my breath: ‘I’m not enough. I’m not good enough, beautiful enough or intelligent enough. I’m just not enough.’

I could hear Liam cry in the background, but that night I realized that neither the perpetrator nor the victim escapes unhurt when something of this sort happens in a relationship. It shatters both parties forever.

‘How could you fuck me over like this?’ I screamed at him. ‘I trusted you so much. I loved you so much. I was loyal to you every single moment. How could you lie to me and manipulate me? What have I not done for you? Huh? Tell me, what more could I have done?’

‘I am sorry, baby. Please, just give me another chance,’ Liam pleaded.

‘Don’t call me baby. That fucking bitch, Margaret, she’s your baby now. Go to her. Just leave this apartment. Right now! Get out!’ I shouted.

‘Where will I go, Kiana? It’s three in the morning! Please, just let me stay. Let me fix this!’ Liam looked desperate. He had probably never imagined that I would use my financially stronger position the way I was. But I was practically bearing all his living expenses, and after what he’d done, it felt like the smallest act of revenge to force him to leave.

‘Take your car and fuck off. Crawl back to Philadelphia to your parents’ or get yourself and that bitch a hotel room in New York. But just leave my apartment,’ I said with the kind of cold clarity and confidence that I hadn’t experienced since the day I’d left my own home after that bitter quarrel with my dad.

There had been something deeply satisfying about kicking my dad out of my life. And I felt the same sense of satisfaction when I kicked Liam out.

When he realized that there was no way he could change my mind, Liam packed up some of his things in a bag and left. Needless to say, I couldn’t sleep that night.

And let me tell you that the days that follow the nights when you haven’t slept well are the worst kind of days. If you were a person who loved sleeping but can hardly stay asleep now, there is something wrong in your life.

Adulting isn’t as easy after all.

Have you ever been in a place in life where nothing makes sense anymore? Have you ever thought that dying would be so much easier than trying to understand life? That’s where I was after Liam left.

That morning, when I stood in front of the mirror trying to brush my teeth, I found myself looking at every inch, every corner of the bathroom as if I was seeing it all for the first time. I could see how I’d taken the pains to decorate it beautifully, but everything, from the toothbrushes kept in the ceramic holder to the bath towels hanging behind the bathroom door, was in a pair. And that sight paralysed my soul. From the moment Liam had walked into my life, I had stopped imagining what life would look like if I were to live on my own again.

When we moved in together, we devoted a lot of time to fixing things up around the apartment. But in a matter of hours, I’d become a stranger in my own house, trying to find some meaning behind that soap dispenser that lay lifeless next to the tap or that bar of bamboo soap that we’d brought back from our first trip together to Philly. When you cease to find meaning in the little things that make up your life, you might not want to live anymore. You realize that the only everlasting meaning that can be found in this world lies in pursuing goodness.

But the real question is, can you still choose the good when you are in despair? Can you still pursue the good? When your head is full of ghosts and demons that want you to just give in, can you fight back? Can you see the good? Can you breathe it in? Can you live it?

Being cheated on by someone is like standing in the middle of the road and getting hit by a big moving truck. The impact jolts you from within; it collapses the basic structure of your life and sets fire to the very fabric of your life. It brings with it panic attacks, anxiety, fear and self-doubt. Am I not good enough? Was I not good enough? These questions circle in your head for days and weeks. There is nothing as terrible as being cheated on by the person you love. Nothing!

A week later, I packed up my belongings, signed the paperwork to cancel the lease on the apartment and left for San Francisco, my only home away from home. Within two days of my getting there, Aunt Mannie sensed that something was not quite right with me. She walked up to my room on the third night and without asking me anything, said, ‘There are a lot of fucked up people in this world. Don’t let their flaws destroy your life. You deserve better, even though it is something you will realize only when the time’s right.’

‘Why does a person get cheated on? What could they have done to deserve something like that?’ I asked. I knew she was my safe space. I knew that no questions would be asked and no judgements would be passed. I could just be myself and share all my fears and doubts with her. And all it had taken was her coming up to me to have this conversation.

‘Cheating on someone is a cowardly and pathetic act. It’s a character flaw that some people have, and it has nothing to do with their partner’s worth. It’s more about their own internal mess and ugliness. Just give it time, you’ll understand what I’m trying to tell you,’ she said calmly.

‘I don’t want to fall in love ever again!’ I burst into tears. At that point, I felt as fragile and broken as a sheet of cracked glass that hadn’t shattered yet. But anything, literally anything that touched me, whether it was a gust of wind or someone’s words, could break me.

‘The greatest gift a person can ever give someone or receive from someone is love. Why would you keep yourself away from this beautiful thing because of one empty shell of a person? Maybe that person came into your life just to teach you a lesson and nothing more. If you stick around with an empty person like that, it’s just like hoarding all those disposable plastic bottles thinking they’ll be of use some day. But they never are. You should always crush and throw the plastic bottles after use.’

‘But how will I ever trust someone again?’ I asked her.

‘Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. You’ll never be in the same state as you are in right now. Nor will he be. We’re constantly evolving. So, when love comes knocking at your door again, you’ll be ready to accept it with open arms,’ she told me. ‘Besides, every broken thing can be repaired. In Japan, there’s an art form called kintsugi, in which broken pieces of pottery are put back together with lacquer and precious metal dust to create something new. These repaired pieces of pottery are therefore considered far more valuable than absolutely new ones. Because your healing is your story, your healing is also your journey.’

‘How can you be so positive all the time? And how do you know exactly what to say?’ I asked. It felt like a huge burden had been taken off my chest.

‘Maybe because I’m an old lady now, and a school counsellor by profession?’ she responded with a laugh and winked.

‘Thank you, Aunt Mannie. You mean the world to me,’ I told her as I placed a soft kiss on her cheeks.

‘Now go to sleep.’ And with that, she left the room, gently shutting the door behind her.

It is because of Aunt Mannie that I have experienced the feeling of being loved. We all have that one person who understands us like no one else does. If we’re lucky, this could be either one of our parents. It could also be a sibling or a friend. And sometimes, we find that understanding, empathy and trust somewhere else. All I can say is that when you find that person, hold them close to your heart and never let them go. Because love comes not just from romantic partnerships but also from people whose steadfast presence in our lives stands the test of time.

That night, I finally slept like a baby. When I woke up in the morning and looked at myself in the mirror, I saw that my face was glowing like never before. The world’s timeline may be divided into bce and ce , but we all have that one impactful day in our personal timelines that changed our lives forever. It could be the death of a loved one or when you got that dream job, but they split our timelines. For me, it was the day I left India, and then, the day Liam left me. In both instances, the older version of me died and a new warrior emerged, one that was ready to fight every battle and weather every storm.

In the months that followed my break-up with Liam, I realized that neither does life come with a survival manual nor does it give any guarantees that it’s going to be fair. And that’s the only truth about life. It might feel scary, but it’s also what brings the excitement to live life. If life were to become absolutely safe and predictable, you might just end up pleading to God to let you die rather than continue living a boring life every single day.

‘Ma’am, would you like another coffee?’

I snap out of my reverie and find the waitress standing in front of me with an enquiring look on her face.

‘Oh, yes! Get me a refill of the same pour-over, please,’ I reply.

I look outside and realize that it has started to snow. I step out of the café and stretch my arms as I look up and feel the flurries land on my face. I breathe in deeply. And I’m reminded of Neer. It would’ve been so magical to share a cup of coffee with him on a snowy day like today. I can’t wait for our next meeting. It surprises me that while I’ve just relived the memories of a very dark phase in my life, I can still feel happy and excited about Neer. I want to share all this with him when we chat next! But he must be asleep right now.

When people talk about love, they mostly talk about heartbreaks. But associating love with heartbreak alone is to compartmentalize it. Love is omnipresent only if you choose to see it. Love is acceptance. Love is not judgement. What if love is the joy waiting for you to recognize it?

The snowfall reminds me that there are things in life that can bring you instant joy even when you’ve hit the lowest point in your life. Like the smell of the earth when the season’s first raindrops fall. Or the wind you feel on your face when you lean out of a car window. The warmth of a hot cup of ginger tea on a cold winter morning. The sound of children playing and laughing in a park. The calming views of the 5 a.m. sunrise and the 7 p.m. sunset that paint the sky with hues of orange and pink. The tickling sensation of sand slipping through your toes as you walk along a beach. The smell of freshly cut grass and the sound of crickets buzzing all night long.

The love in your mother’s eyes every time you see her. The gentle melody of rain tapping against the tiles on your verandah. The image of a field of sunflowers dancing in the spring breeze. The heady scent of flowers. The thrill of speeding down the highway with your favourite tracks playing in the background. The longing to meet your loved ones when you’ve been away from home for way too long!

If you trust the universe and its processes, there are a hundred little things that can spark joy.

Can you find meaning in this endless and eternal process of life? Because the meaning of life is in living the small acts of kindness, compassion and selfless love. Can you find it in a stranger’s smile? In someone’s words of comfort? In a baby bird’s first flight away from its mother? Can you find meaning in being completely immersed in the present moment?

If you succeed in finding meaning and hope in kindness, in gratitude and in a deeper appreciation for the goodness in humanity and this universe, you will want to live. Stop waiting to be loved, to be wanted, to be cared for by someone else. You should do yourself that favour first.