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Chapter two

Hazel

One Month Later

“No woman is ever going to be good enough for you,” I whisper, staring down at my nephew, my heart swelling as his tiny fingers curl around mine. My vision blurs, but I refuse to let the tears fall. Not here. Not today.

My oldest brother, Dallas, steps closer, pride radiating from him as he gazes down at his son. “That’s an odd first thing to say to your nephew.”

I shrug. “It’s true, though.”

Willow clears her throat from the hospital bed. “I have to agree with her, babe.”

“Goose, he’s barely a few hours old and you’re already dooming his dating life?”

My brother’s nickname for his wife never fails to make me smile, especially given Willow’s history with the geese on their property.

“Don’t worry. After I tell him all my dating horror stories, he’ll have no interest in it anyway,” I say, bouncing the baby gently as I pace the room .

“Uh oh. I take it last night didn’t go well, then?” Willow asks.

I pin her with a flat look before resuming my enchantment with my nephew. “It was a train wreck.”

Willow stifles a yawn. “Oh, come on. It couldn’t have been that bad.”

This time I glare at her. “Easy for you to say. You found your person. Hell, you just squeezed a kid out of your vagina, and still have hearts in your eyes.” She snorts, but I know she knows I’m right. “Dating in this day and age isn’t like it used to be.”

And I’m beginning to think it’s only going to get worse.

“You act like you’re ancient, Hazelnut,” Dallas says as he sits down on the bed next to his wife, stroking her forehead softly.

I try to ignore the tiny twinge of pain that resonates in my chest from hearing Dallas use the nickname my father gave me.

He doesn’t know that every time he calls me that, it’s a painful reminder of what I lost. But I don’t have the heart to ask him to stop, and part of me doesn’t want him to, because if he does, it’ll feel like losing another piece of my dad.

I know he’s gone. I know he’s not coming back. But somehow, I still can’t fully accept it.

“I’m beginning to feel ancient, especially now that all my brothers are happily in love.”

“You’re only twenty-eight, Hazel,” Willow interjects. “Did you forget that your brother and I met when we were in our early thirties?”

I shake my head as my nephew stirs in my arms. “You just don’t get it.”

And no one ever does—not how the hope grows with each new guy I talk to, not how my mind spins visions of our future together after just one date, and not how depressing it is each time it doesn’t work out .

No one understands it—not like my dad did anyway.

“Tell me more about your date.”

I look out the window, watching the white clouds drift across the sky as the breeze pulls them in from the ocean. The hospital is too far inland to see the water, but I know it’s out there. It’s oddly comforting.

I spin to face the two of them again. “Well, it started with him picking me up and not even bothering to get out of the car. Then, when I got to the car and opened my own door, he pretended he was going to drive off without me, which he found hilarious .”

My brother growls. “I wanna punch this guy already.”

“Oh believe me, I contemplated it. After I finally got in his car—against my better judgment—we drove to the concert while he asked me questions about how I envision the future with my significant other, which I thought was a good sign…until he told me what his vision of our future together looked like, and then I had to hold back my vomit.”

Willow winces. “I’m afraid to ask.”

I adjust my nephew in my arms before continuing.

“Oh, it was quite the fantasy. He told me he dreams of me in the kitchen when he comes home from work, ready to serve him dinner. Then after we eat and I clean up, we sit on the couch—correction, I sit on his lap on the couch—while I listen to him tell me about his day. Then he watches television before he goes to sleep. But not before we fuck, of course—in any position he wants me. Because, you know, that’s my job as a woman. ”

Dallas’s fists grow tighter as Willow’s eyes grow wider.

“But that’s not the worst part…”

“Oh God, there’s more?” Willow asks, shocked.

“Oh yeah. He ignored me the entire concert because he was too busy flirting with the girl next to us. Then he had a few too many beers, and by the time the concert was over, he could barely walk straight. So I ended up driving us home, even though there was a storm in full swing. And as we drove back, he asked me a question I had to think about for so long, it made me wonder if I was the one losing it.”

Willow tenses, bracing herself. “What did he ask you?”

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and say, “He asked me if I could see the thunder.”

Dallas’s eyebrows draw together. “Come again?”

Willow covers her mouth to stifle her laughter. “Oh God.”

“I just wanna make sure I heard you correctly,” Dallas says, looking at me like I’ve grown a second head. “You said he asked if you could see the thunder?”

“I didn’t stutter, Dallas. Yes, that’s what he said.

And when I calmly explained that thunder is a sound , he laughed like I was the idiot and said I just wasn’t on his level.

Then he launched into some nonsense about how people who are truly enlightened can experience reality beyond the constraints of science. ”

Willow shakes her head. “Okay, you’re right. I don’t get what you’re going through.”

“What the fuck kind of morons are you dating?” Dallas asks incredulously. “Don’t you like…talk to them for a while before going out with them? I mean, seriously, Hazel…”

“Babe…” Willow places her hand on his forearm in warning.

But the damage has already been done.

“Of course I fucking talk to them, Dallas!” I whisper-shout, startling my nephew, but he settles after a few seconds. “This guy seemed great—good career, came from a good family, but meeting him in person was just…” I shudder .

“I’m so sorry, Hazel.” Willow reaches for Michael as he stirs again, turning his face toward my chest where there sure as hell isn’t a milk supply.

When my brother and his wife told us they were naming their son after Dad, I think I cried the hardest. Not only was it a beautiful tribute to our father, but my dad played a part in bringing the two of them together.

The romantic in him was always at work.

“I’m sorry too, Hazelnut,” Dallas says as he watches his son calm down and latch onto Willow’s breast.

I let out a heavy sigh after a few moments. “I just can’t do this anymore.”

Dallas stands from the bed and walks over to me. “What? Date?”

I nod. “It’s pointless. I’ve tried, you know? Given men the benefit of the doubt, been open-minded…but I think I’m just destined to be alone. And without Dad here…”

My brother pulls me into his chest, smoothing my long black hair down my back. “I know you miss him. We all do.”

“He would give me some sort of wisdom, some sort of encouragement after last night.” Leaning back, I shrug, refusing to let the tears fall. “And seriously? Did this guy fail fourth grade or something? You don’t see thunder, you moron.”

Dallas and Willow both laugh. “Maybe that should be the question you lead with from now on in the get-to-know-you phase,” my brother suggests.

“Yeah, because that won’t make me seem like a crazy person.”

“He just wasn’t the right person,” Willow says as she looks down at Michael resting peacefully in her arms .

“None of them are.” I take a step away from my brother, brush my hair from my face, and then declare, “And I don’t think I want to keep searching for the right one anymore.”

My brother and Willow share a look.

“A break could be good,” Willow offers.

Something in my chest shifts as I say my next words. “No. I think I’m done—done trying, done hoping, done being optimistic.” I look over at Willow holding her baby and my brother watching them dotingly.

They have the kind of love and life I document with my camera regularly. It’s what I’ve always wanted, what I’ve always dreamed of.

But that’s the thing about dreams—they aren’t real.

And they can change.

Maybe it’s time I start searching for a new one.

“I’m not meant to have what you two have, what Penn found with Astrid or what Parker found with Cashlynn.”

“Hazelnut—” Dallas starts, but I hold up my hand.

“Nope. I’m serious. I’m just gonna be the fun aunt,” I say as I hoist my jeans up higher on my waist and smooth down my top, faking a smile.

“I’m gonna thrive in my business and take myself on vacation.

” Dallas’s eyebrows draw closer together.

“Toys were invented for a reason, right? So I don’t need a man for pleasure… ”

“For the love of God, please stop,” my brother begs.

Willow giggles. “Hazel, I know you’re feeling discouraged, honey. But do you honestly think swearing off love is the right decision?”

“Nope.” I straighten my spine. “I can’t bear the thought of putting myself through another date like that.”

Not without Dad here to pick me back up. Not without knowing that he still believes.

Because when he died, I think my hope died with him.

Michael starts to cry again, signaling that it’s time for me to go.

“I love you both very much,” I say as I bend down and kiss Willow’s forehead and then my nephew’s. “And I couldn’t be happier for you. You did good,” I say as I smooth Michael’s jet-black wisps of hair.

“We love you too,” Willow says with a soft smile.

“I’ll come over later this week once you’re all settled. Let me know what you want for dinner, and I’ll make it. And as soon as my nephew starts to have favorites, let me know so I can spoil the crap out of him.”

There’s concern in Willow’s eyes as she watches me move toward the door. “Are you gonna be okay, Hazel?”

I plaster on the best smile I can muster. “I’ll be fine. This is just how things were meant to be,” I say with a shrug and then blow a kiss to my brother. “Take care of your family, big brother. You’re one lucky son-of-a-bitch.”

“Be careful, Hazelnut,” he says as I step into the hall.