Page 36

It felt wrong to leave things like . . . this .

Whatever “this” was.

Nell’d gone out of her mind with remorse and regret, and pulled Barrett down with her all in the name of “healing”. Or what she’d thought was going to heal her.

She still couldn’t get in a car, she still couldn’t go to Bellevue, she still had nightmares, and she could now add kissing Barrett in the heat of the moment to the list of things wrong with her—a list that grew the more she lived, it felt like.

Thanks to her timing, she would get three extra days to stew in it all since she knew he could be leaving at any moment for the weekend in Bellevue.

“Something wrong with your egg?”

She looked up.

Her mother scurrying around the kitchen with flour and baking trays and cookie dough had become background noise.

She’d only stopped momentarily in front of the kitchen table with oven mitts on her hands and a concerned look on her face as she watched Nell mindlessly poke through the yolk of the perfectly cooked sunny-side-up egg.

“Does it need more salt?”

Nell shook her head and made it a point to take her first bite. It’d grown lukewarm.

Sunny side up had always been her favorite, but she’d become more interested in over-easy eggs recently. “It’s delicious.” She smiled. “Thank you for making me breakfast.”

Her mom’s shoulders relaxed, but Nell could sniff out her anxious mix of worry and hope from miles away. It was potent, filling the entire room with its familiarity.

“I’m so happy you’re feeling better, honey. You must be starving.”

She was. She’d been puking out what little food she managed to eat since Sunday. Half of it was from hangovers, and half was from being lucid enough to think things that just made her sicker.

She preferred the hangovers.

But she didn’t have one this morning. She’d drained Dad’s stash, her weed was gone, and her last hope had been Bellevue. She didn’t know if she could survive another weekend alone.

Barrett was the only thing that made her feel real.

It’s why she’d kissed him.

His words, just simple words, had been enough to break through the panic that she’d been sure was going to kill her.

When she looked up, he’d been glowing like an angel.

So, she’d kissed him.

She groaned and dropped her fork, burying her face in her hands. The metal clanked as it clattered onto her porcelain plate.

Her mother jumped, nearly dropping one of the fresh cookies on the ground as her hand flew to her heart with a gasp. “Heavens, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I—” Nell glanced at the cookies—chocolate chip.

Barrett had once said those were his favorite. He’d always loved her mom’s cookies.

“Why? Are you okay? Are you sick again?” The panic in her mom’s words made Nell look away from the batch.

Her mother’s face twisted in concern. Nell took it in.

How long had it been since she’d looked at her? She had dark bags, resembling Nell’s, under her eyes. Her mousy hair had silver streaks, thin enough to blame on the lighting but there nonetheless.

Guilt stung because she hadn’t noticed it before. What else had she not noticed?

“I’m fine, Mom.” Nell smiled, walking over to her and grabbing her hand. It was warm from the heat of baking. “I’m going to go visit my friend real quick. Mind if I take some cookies with me?”

Her mother’s eyes lit up. Any mentions of her friends made her mom happy. She never questioned who they were or why Nell spent so much time with them. As long as Nell was doing something and spending time with living, breathing humans, it was one of the few things her parents didn’t resist.

“Of course! Let me pack them up real quick.” She rushed to put the entire dozen of still-warm cookies into a large Tupperware and handed it to Nell, grinning. “Be careful, alright? And grab a jacket. It’s chilly today.”

Nell thanked her for the cookies and convinced herself it was a good enough excuse to go find Barrett.

She did as her mother told her, stealing her denim jacket from the hooks on the wall and leaving through the front door with the Tupperware tucked under her arm.

She’d been prepared to walk after she’d left her bike in front of Barrett’s house.

Yet there it was. Standing straight up on its kickstand on her lawn as if she were the one who’d left it there. As if it’d been there the whole time.

* * *

If she’d left three minutes later, she would’ve been too late.

Paulie and Toni were lifting the last parts of Toni’s drums into the back of Barrett’s van.

“Yo, Duncan! You finally tagging along?” Dennis waved as she pulled up to the driveway in front of Toni’s garage.

“Oh, sweet. I’ve been saying we need our good luck charm,” Toni added, wiping his hands together. “Where’ve you been?”

Nell smiled as best she could, but she was distracted with searching the area. She’d been confident when she left the house, but the confidence had waned the closer she’d gotten. It continued to fade away by the second.

“Is Scott here?” He should be. His van was, after all.

Dennis clicked his tongue in disappointment. “I should have known you were only here for him.” He sighed, even though he smiled as he said it. “Too cool for the rest of us.”

“Barrett, at least be here to greet your guest,” Toni yelled into the garage.

A minute later, the garage door into the house opened and Barrett’s familiar head popped out, hair messy and disheveled like he hadn’t brushed it today. His attention landed immediately on her.

His brows furrowed as he took her in.

Nell swallowed.

She’d mortified herself that night, leaving things in a tenuous, uncertain limbo.

What if he rejected her on the spot?

One sweaty palm rubbed against her pants as her other hand clenched the container of cookies.

He surprised her, though.

Without a word, he rushed out of the garage toward her. She jumped at his sudden advance and held her breath.

“What’s wrong? Are you alright?” His brown eyes hunted for something wrong with her, skipping up and down her body. His ringed fingers reached out, hovering over her arms like he wanted to touch her but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He even gave extra attention to the container in her hand.

Nell’s mouth went dry.

“Whoa,” Paulie mumbled under his breath behind her, but she ignored it.

Her eyes were stuck on Barrett. Stuck on the way he . . . cared.

There it was again: the reminder that she was real.

She inhaled long enough to find her voice. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

He blinked, his hands falling back to his side, and stepped back.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, yeah. Sure, let’s .

. . ” Barrett’s eyes hopped over her head, narrowed for a split second, then jumped back to her.

He nodded and gently grabbed her upper arm to pull her away from the three frozen guys behind her. “Let’s go over here.”

He pulled her around the side of the house and back, where the others wouldn’t be able to hear them. She heard their mumbles fading the further they got.

Finally, he paused and faced her. “Are you feeling alright?” he asked, his voice hushed.

“Thanks for bringing my bike back,” she said, clearing her throat, then held out the cookies. “These are for you. For your drive.”

“Oh.” He sounded surprised, like he’d expected her to say something worse. He took the container and opened it up, looking at the stack of cookies. He chuckled. “Chocolate chip. My favorite. I’d say this is an appropriate enough thanks for the bike.”

The relief hit Nell so hard she went dizzy. There was a long moment of silence as she composed herself.

Nell inhaled, the air shaky. She’d come here for a reason, but now that she was looking at him, standing so close, her heart rate was distracting.

“Also . . .” She took a deep breath and pinched at her knuckles. “I’m sorry for the other day. You shouldn’t have had to see that. I hope it doesn’t change anything between us. You mean a lot to me. You all do.”

He stared at her with an unreadable expression. She blinked, melting under the intensity of his gaze.

“Anyone ever told you that you apologize too much?”

Nell bit her lip, and when she blinked again, that crooked smirk was on his face.

The corner of her mouth twitched up. “Once or twice.”

“Maybe you should listen to them.”

Nell huffed a chuckle, unable to resist. A soft, short one, but god it felt nice. It opened something in her she hadn’t felt in a while.

Barrett shook his head and sighed.

“But I do need to apologize for kissing you,” she said.

Barrett’s smile didn’t falter, exactly, but it did freeze and turned uncertain. Like her.

“I’m sorry it was like that.” Pursing her lips, she contemplated whether she should say the next part. “I imagined the first time would be . . . better.”

Her heart drummed. Pounded.

It both screamed at finally being seen and cursed at being exposed. But being around him did things to her and made her want to reveal everything she never had.

His shock stole his frozen smile away. His eyes grew, and his cheeks became a shade redder.

She didn’t have big expectations. He might have had a crush on her in high school, but time had passed. She just wanted to tell him, to return the favor.

She used to always be this bold. It was nice to be reminded of this part of herself once in a while.

“I’m not expecting anything, though. Don’t worry,” she clarified.

Never at a loss for words, she’d finally gotten the better of him.

His hand rose to the back of his neck, and he looked to the side, avoiding her.

She cleared her throat to fill the silence with something and took a few steps back. “I don’t want to keep you waiting. You should get going. I’ll see you on Monday.” She waved, nibbling her lips as she turned, and hoped she would indeed see him on Monday.

“Your timing is god awful.”

Nell stopped and swiveled back to him.

He averted his eyes to stare at the side bricks of the house, unable to hold her confused gaze.

Fingers ran through his bangs as he cleared his throat. “How am I supposed to go three days without seeing you now ?”

“What?” she squeaked.

He stepped up to her, and she took a startled half-step backward. She bent her head back to meet his eyes.

“Since we’re in the habit of sharing secrets with each other . . .” he mumbled. “You’re painfully cute when you bite your lip, Golden Girls is my favorite TV show, and that isn’t how I imagined kissing you either.”

Feathers filled her throat. Boulders settled on her feet. Drums pounded in her chest.

“You like Golden Girls ?”

He raised a brow. “That’s what you’re curious about?”

“You brought it up first.”

He laughed, then stepped forward. His fingers brushed hers, and she caught her breath in a sharp gasp. “You got me there.”

Next thing she knew, Barrett was in front of her face, so she closed her eyes and held her breath as his lips . . . brushed her cheek. They stayed there, right on the top, for a second before lifting off.

Nell’s eyes fluttered open, wide and shocked.

Barrett, the cocky bastard, was grinning. “ This isn’t how I imagined it either, so I guess we’ll have to wait a little bit longer.” His fingers brushing hers disappeared when he stepped back. “See ya on Monday. Thanks for the cookies.”

He stepped around her and headed to the driveway and around the house.

Nell’s hand rose to her sputtering heart.

What in God’s name was that? Barrett was always magnetic and cute and charming in his own way, but seriously, it was like he’d adopted the moves straight out of a—

She was interrupted by two hands gently grasping each of her cheeks and pulling her attention back to big, brown eyes.

Nell blinked.

Barrett smirked. “I changed my mind.”

His mouth came down on hers before she even closed her eyes.

She squeaked, and he chuckled as one hand slipped onto her hip.

She wished she could forget the other night, erase it from her memories altogether and replace that kiss with this one.

This sweet, gentle kiss where Barrett moved his lips softly.

Where she was in the right mind to smell his mix of cologne and cigarettes, let her hand brush against his denim vest, and feel the brush of his messy hair surround her face as he tilted his head to fit his lips perfectly against her mouth. When she could truly feel him.

It was a kiss made for the end of a romance movie, and it was their kiss.

Their first kiss as far as she was concerned.

Someone oblivious to what was happening called Barrett’s name.

They broke apart, panting as though they’d run a marathon when in reality not more than ten seconds had passed. Nell held tight to his shirt, not wanting to let go.

He must’ve had a similar idea because, instead of pulling away, he leaned his forehead against hers and held her in place with a starry gaze.

His mouth was too far, inches away.

Finally, they pulled away.

She let go, reluctantly.

He walked backwards with a final wink and dopey grin on his face as he said, “For good luck.”