Page 67 of Seared Fates

“You have no idea.” And I tap his reddened ass.

Kai turns, his spent cock hanging between his legs.

I go rigid.

The happiness grows. Bigger and bigger, alongside other emotions.

All too big.

Too quickly.

Too much to contain.

This was how my apathy began, extreme highs and then…lows that would crush me under their weight. A weight I can’t bear again. I slam a soundproof window between me and everything else.

“Vidar?”

My eyes snap up, and I realise from Kai’s concerned expression that it wasn’t the first time he called my name.

I open my mouth to explain myself.

But what can I say? What can I really be for him? I call myself a warrior, a chieftain. Yet I’m standing, dick out, in front of the most beautiful person I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting, and I’m…

Stuck.

“Are you okay?” He reaches for me.

I cringe away, and the hurt that blooms in his eyes makes the feelings in my chest expand. But I stay behind my glass. Safe away from apathy and everything else.

Kai’s looking at me. Wanting something. How is there too much of me, yet not enough to give him?

I curse myself and my weakness.

“Can you turn around while I clean myself up, please?” Kai asks softly, expression shattered.

I want to take away the tremor in his voice. But if I touch him, it’ll break the glass, and the things I can’t control will be freed. Easier to give him my back, not to think.

When I hear the rustle of tissues, I shut my eyes and clench my fists. I should be looking after him.

“Kai, I’m…” I’m what? Sorry? How many times have I been sorry? Didn’t I vow I’d destroy any man who made him cry real tears? Yet hasn’t it always been me to make him cry?

A tap on my shoulder, and I turn to find Kai fully dressed.

“We have to…” Kai shakes his head, eyebrows drawn in. “Why do you keep doing this, Vidar? You keep leading me on. Why?”

“Because I’m a fool, but I love you. Please just give me this chance to show you how I can love you.” When he doesn’t respond, I realise I haven’t said a single thing aloud. I try again, but the words are like vapour and float away.

“Fuck sakes, Vidar!” Kai bites out, tears shining in his eyes and clinging to his leather jacket like a lifeline. “Am I a game to you?”

I try to reach for him, but my arms are like blocks of steel, and I don’t even move an inch. More proof that I’m weak.

“I can’t keep…My heartcan'ttake any more. It isn't fair.” Kai wraps his arms around himself, tears gathering the glitter on his cheeks as they roll down his face. “It isn’t fair when all I want is to be loved,” he whispers on a hiccup.

Shame eats at me. I want to look after him. Why can’t I just look after him?

“Why aren’t you sayinganything?”

Because I’m a failure.