Page 18

I walk towards the kitchen, my foul mood following me out of the bedroom after another night of no sleep, the constant nightmares making me feel exhausted, my night spent trembling and vomiting instead of actually resting. I need a distraction from my emotions, from the hurricane of thoughts and memories swirling inside of me, my heart rate refusing to settle and my body on edge. The anger that’s lodged in my chest feels like a fire that refuses to be extinguished.

I hate it, I hate it so much. The inability to sit still, to feel peace in my home, in my own body . I hate not being able to decipher why I’m feeling the way I am, and why no matter what I feel, I immediately think I should be feeling something else. Nothing feels right, and I’m agitated. I debate going back to my apartment, of trying to see if I can find rest and comfort within the dilapidated brick walls I came to love so much, after all, Jax is still paying for my rent. But I shake the thought from my head as I realize that isolating myself in my old apartment probably isn’t going to solve my problems.

I overhear Ryan and Jax talking, their voices becoming louder as I get closer to the kitchen. I pause in the doorway to see both leaning against the countertop, lost in their own conversation. Their coffees sit untouched as their conversation forges ahead, their hurried voices and rigid posture tells me they’re discussing something serious, something that is triggering to both of them. It only takes me a few moments to realize they’re talking about me.

Ryan’s voice grows louder as he responds to something Jax says. “We found her as fast as we could.”

“But you didn’t, did you?” I interrupt. They turn to me quickly, surprise on both their features as they see me in the doorway. My eyes lock onto Jax’s as I walk towards the kitchen island, and I quickly lose control of the frustration that has been building within me. I grip the kitchen counter, the cool marble quickly warming under my touch.

“What?” he asks, as they both continue to stare at me.

“You didn’t find me fast enough , did you?” The anger in my chest quickly consumes my whole body, turning into a wild rage trying to break free.

“Evi, that’s not fair…” Ryan starts, looking between me and Jax.

“Not fair? What they did to me wasn’t fair. Do you know what they did to me?” I ask with a laugh, the sound feeling wrong as it leaves my lips. “Do you know what I let him do to me?”

My body is shaking as I’m flooded with all the emotions I’ve kept at bay the last few weeks, the memories playing on a nonstop reel in my head, every vivid detail being relived again and again as I struggle to decipher the past from the present. I rake my hands through my hair, fighting the urge to scream as I try to put everything into words.

“Love—” Jax starts as he moves towards me. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, whatever you did, you did to survive…”

I cut him off before he can say anything else.

“I let him Jax. I didn’t even put up a fight.” The words feel like poison on my lips, the shame and guilt acidic on my tongue.

“Your back,” Ryan says, looking confused. “You said you tried to leave and that’s how you got hurt. You did fight.”

My skin feels like it’s crawling, and I turn from them, pacing the length of the island. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a precipice, trying to back away, both afraid of falling and throwing myself over the edge. The inner conflict only adds to the frustration I’m feeling, and I don’t know how to put it into words, how to make anyone understand how broken I feel. How tarnished I feel. How I don’t even feel safe in my own body, a body that betrayed me.

I can feel my face tighten as the emotions roll through me, as thoughts claw their way into my mind, telling me that if the person I used to be no longer exists, then maybe the person I am today shouldn’t either.

“Talk to us,” Jax says, his voice steady, commanding.

I look up to him, only to find his own features wrought with worry and sympathy, unaware of how the words I will say next will ruin us. Even I’m not naive enough to think we can make it through this unscathed.

I pause my pacing and look at him sadly, closing my eyes to hold the tears at bay.

“I didn’t fight hard enough .” A pained sob escapes me as the confession leaves my lips as the guilt I’ve been holding onto is now out in the open. I wait for them to say something, anything, but silence meets my ears and I continue to talk, the secrets I’ve kept buried these past few weeks finally breaking free.

“I could have done so much more. I should have done so much more,” I continue as my stomach rolls, nausea coating my admission as sweat coats my skin. My heart is beating out of my chest, but I carry on. “I should have fought harder… I should have tried to run away every single day,” I whisper, not bothering to wipe the tears away from my face. “One scratch. One fucking scratch on his face. That’s the only mark I left the whole time I was there. Some fighter I am. And what did I do after that?”

I look between the two of them, both frozen in shock, Jax’s features slowly darkening.

“I laid on my back and just let him. I. Let . Him. And I will never forgive myself for that, for anything that happened. I should have done something, anything, to get out of there, to run away. And instead, what did I do? I stared at the door and hoped .” The word tastes bitter in my mouth. “I hoped that I would hear you coming to save me. Hoped that he’d change his mind and stop. But that never happened, and I believed what they all said, that you didn’t care anymore. So, I stopped caring too,” I say with a sob, looking between the two of them.

Jax hasn’t moved once, and I can see the thoughts as they swirl around his head, the shift in his demeanor tangible as his own emotions bubble to the surface.

“Fuck,” Ryan mumbles quietly under his breath. He grips the edge of the island until his knuckles turn white as he looks at the floor between his arms while something like defeat washes across his features.

“The night I found you,” Jax says quietly, “please tell me that was the first time, the only time they hurt you.” He says it with desperation in his voice and anger in his eyes.

I shake my head, unable to look at him, unable to watch as the way he looks at me inevitably changes, as he realizes that I’m not worth it, that I’m as tarnished as I feel. I close my eyes against the thoughts swirling inside of me, but it doesn’t provide me with any relief, not when the first thing I see is Tanner on top of me, as I’m transported back into the bedroom at the lake. The memories feel so real that I’m no longer in the kitchen with Jax and Ryan, and instead I’m underneath Tanner, his body pressed on top of mine, his voice in my ear, and his greedy hands digging into my skin.

My heart starts beating wildly, my breaths become short and shallow, and my lips part as I’m suddenly unable to get enough oxygen in through my nose. My hands shake against the countertop, and despite my best efforts to try and lock everything down I feel like I’m falling, the roaring in my ears drowning out everything around me.

I jump as a hand rests on top of my own, its warmth radiating into me. I open my eyes slightly, and even through the tears I can make out a rose tattoo.

“Look at me,” he says, but despite his even tone I can’t bring myself to look at him.

I startle for a split second as he brings his hand under my chin, guiding my head up so I’m face-to-face with him.

“Breathe with me, love,” he says, as he takes a deep inhale, holding it for a few seconds before slowly exhaling. We stand like this for what feels like forever, and at some point, he pulls me into him, the sound of his heart calming my own as my head rests on his chest. He doesn’t say a word, not until the shaking stops and my breathing is less frantic.

“How many times?” he asks, and even though his voice is calm I can hear the promise of violence hidden within.

I shake my head, not wanting the words to become truth, and my chest feels as though nothing is stopping it from caving in on itself.

He takes my face gently in his hands, until our foreheads are touching, the proximity both comforting and terrifying, as I know he will see right through any lie I tell him. Even though I know the truth needs to be freed, I’m not sure I can find the words to describe everything that happened… not yet anyway.

“This will change how you feel about me…” I start quietly.

He pulls away, his eyes searching mine. “There is nothing, nothing , you could say to make me love you any less. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I can promise that nothing you say will change that.”

I take a deep breath as I look into his eyes, alight with worry and anger, the latter not directed at me.

“Tell me how they hurt you? How many times did they hurt you?” he asks firmly.

I look at his shirt in front of me, opening my mouth before closing it again quickly. I shake my head as tears slide slowly down my face.

“Please don’t make me say it all out loud,” I sob quietly.

I hear a sharp intake of breath from across the room, followed by heavy footsteps as Ryan retreats to somewhere else in the house. Moments later I jump as a deafening bang echoes through the room, followed by the sound of breaking glass.

“He’s angry?” I ask quietly, but Jax remains silent.

It feels like torture, waiting for him to say something—anything—as the seconds tick by.

I wait for him to tell me to leave, to tell me he was wrong, and it is my fault, that I should have found a way to leave, or I should have put up more of a fight. I wait for him to react like Ryan, clearly upset by my choices and my lack of strength during this whole situation.

But the words don’t come, and instead strong arms pull me closer, my head once again resting on his chest as gentle hands hold me, as if he’s worried I might break under his touch.

His heart is pounding in his chest, the only clue that he is fighting his own battle, his touch never giving away anything except comfort and care.

He takes a deep breath and pulls away slightly, looking at me once again.

My breath catches as I look into his eyes, the emerald green seemingly darker, dancing with a rage screaming to be unleashed.

“Who?” he asks, his voice dripping with violence. “Which one did this to you?”

My lip trembles as I open my mouth, his name caught in the back of my throat like the bile I try to swallow. I never would have thought saying a name would take so much effort.

“Tanner,” I say quietly.

*

I’m standing at the huge window in our room, watching the stars sparkle brightly in the night sky and the busy city lights flash in the distance. I haven’t even tried to go to sleep yet, my emotions too raw and my memories playing like nightmares on a loop in my head. My confession in the kitchen earlier feels like a double-edged sword; while it feels like a weight has been lifted, it also feels as though I have lost the hold I had on my emotions, and I feel vulnerable and nervous.

I jump at the sound of a light knock on the door. Moments later Ryan peeks his head into the room.

“Can I come in?” he asks.

I clear my mind, trying to focus on everything around me as I nod in response.

As he enters the room I can’t help but think about his outburst just hours before, remembering how mad he was to learn that I didn’t fight back, and a new anxiety builds within me.

Ryan strides across the room, and just like Jax, his tall frame and muscular build would be intimidating if it weren’t for the fact I actually know him, know just how much kindness radiates through him… most of the time. Ryan sits on the edge of the bed, and there’s something about him that I can’t read. His usual playfulness and easy-going nature is nowhere to be found, and instead there’s a darkness behind his eyes. His eyes meet mine, and his brows furrow together, and I notice a familiar look on his face.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about earlier—about storming out. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay, I get it,” I say solemnly, trying to keep anything else from cracking within me.

“You do?”

“I’d be mad too if I were you.” I sigh, defeat washing over my features. “You guys tried so hard to find me, so hard to save me, and what was I doing? Literally nothing, just taking everything that was thrown my way. I should have tried to leave again, I should have fought harder, and I should have made your rescue attempt worth it… trust me when I say that you can’t be any more disappointed in me than I already am.”

He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off again. “You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know what you’re thinking, how I should have tried harder, how I should have found a way to—”

Ryan holds up a hand and I stop talking.

“You think I’m disappointed ?”

“Aren’t you? You stormed out when I admitted I could have tried harder, when I told you what I let him do…” I trail off as he runs his hand over his face, his features contorted with emotion.

“I’m not disappointed, Evi. I’m devastated . We both are.”

“What?” Shock rolls through me at his confession and I look at him again, truly look at him, and I realize it’s a profound sadness I’m seeing on his face.

“I’m disgusted by what was done to you, by what you had to endure when we weren’t there for you.”

I freeze as this conversation takes a very different turn than I anticipated, and I watch as Ryan rubs his hands over his eyes, listening as he starts to speak, his words heavy on his lips.

“We didn’t know who took you at first. There are so many people we’re in business with—so many who would love to have a way to get to us, to have us wrapped around their fingers. People who have been in the crime world for decades, if not longer. We never thought Rhett would do this. The first twenty-four hours were hell, and I mean literal hell, Evi.” Ryan looks at me, his memories flashing through his eyes. “I have never seen Jax lose it the way he did. He is calculated, cold, and cut-throat most days, in this industry you have to be. But that day… that day broke him. The panic he felt—that we both felt—at the thought of someone taking you, at the message they left us… your underwear—” Ryan takes a shaky breath and looks at the ground. “We knew what the message was when we found that, and we knew it was definitely not a random attack, not when you’re involved with Jax. When our initial checks came back empty, we explored other options.”

I start pacing back and forth, refusing to let myself relive that night, but needing to hear what Ryan has to say.

“We looked everywhere. We finally realized it was Rhett, and then we found you.” He takes a deep breath, seemingly steadying himself. “And I am so fucking sorry we didn’t find you faster.”

I feel a tear slide down my cheek as I struggle to keep everything at bay, struggle not to feel the sadness that radiates from Ryan, struggle not to feel everything I felt that night and everything since.

“I got there just as Jax was bringing you out, carrying you down the stairs. At first, I thought you were wearing a red shirt.” He closes his eyes for a second as he takes another deep breath, his hands clench into fists at his side. “You were covered in blood, absolutely covered, and so was Jax. I had no idea what had happened, no idea who the blood belonged to. And when I looked in Jax’s eyes, I saw the absolute fury there, and panic. He was panicked, Evi. I have never seen him panic about anything in my life. He shouted at me to ‘clean it up’ as he put you in my car to bring you back here… I realized two things as soon as I walked through the door: not all the blood belonged to you two and they must have hurt you, must have done something to you, for Jax to slaughter them.”

I swear I stop breathing as I hang onto Ryan’s every word.

“There was blood everywhere. There is no way I could have cleaned that up enough to cover our tracks properly. It was… it was a lot. So, I torched the place.” He says it so casually that I’m taken aback.

“And when Jax told me what they did to you, when I saw what they did to you, how you acted when you first woke up… There’s no way I’d ever judge anything you did—which, by the way, was survive the best way you knew how, just like Jax said. They disgust me. What they did to you disgusts me. There’s no way you could disappoint me in this situation. I’m in awe that you’re even functioning at all right now, that you’re here, with us, and moving forward. Your strength is admirable, and I think you’ve shown more bravery than Jax and I have combined.”

I look away at his confession, unsure of how to process what he is saying. I definitely don’t feel very brave at all.

“If it were me in your shoes I don’t know if I’d be able to get through everything that you have. I’d be breaking apart at the seams, and yet”—he gestures vaguely at me—“you’re here, getting through it.”

I try to hold back the tears as I process everything I’ve just heard, unsure of how to receive such praise, especially from Ryan, who is usually too busy being sarcastic to make profound emotional statements. I run my finger over my thumb as I debate saying more, debate telling him how meaningful his words are, debate telling him that I am breaking—that I am thoroughly broken—but all the shattered pieces are in places he can’t see, in places I won’t even let myself see. So, I do what I’ve always done, I box it up and bury everything I feel somewhere deep within me, because I’ll be fine. I am fine.

Ryan’s voice startles me from my thoughts, and I look at him through tear-filled eyes, only to see a mischievous look on his face. “Or,” he drawls slowly with a small smile, “if blaming yourself and imagining I’m disappointed in you will help fuel the rage you’ll need when we find the others, then by all means, let’s stick with your original belief until you can let out some pent-up anger on them.”

I let out a sound that’s half laugh, half sob, and Ryan stands, giving me a brief hug before stepping back.

“I’m here if you need anything. I’ve said it before but you’re important to Jax, and what’s important to him is important to me.”

I sag onto the bed, lying down as relief washes over me. I try to wrap my head around it, try to believe Ryan’s explanation, that he’s not mad at me, not blaming me. And I repeat it like a mantra as I slowly drift off to sleep.