Page 17

Two weeks later

I pour myself a cup of coffee, inhaling slowly as the soft aroma fills the room. Caffeine is the only thing keeping me functioning these days. I’ve been up since the crack of dawn, the sound of Jax leaving for the day startling me from a light sleep, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get back to sleep, eventually giving up once the sun had fully risen.

I feel like the longer I’ve been back here the more I’m struggling to sleep, too afraid of the nightmares I know will haunt my dreams to be able to relax as I crawl into bed. Most nights the sky has started to turn gray before I finally drift off, as if the sounds of the birds chirping and light sky outside the window are the only things that lull me to sleep. I don’t stay asleep for long, but it’s better than nothing.

My phone rings and it startles me from my thoughts, and I almost drop the pot of coffee as I reach for it, Sam’s name lighting up my screen.

“Hey,” I say, trying to sound cheerful.

“Hey, I know you’re fine and I know you wanted space, but I just wanted to hear your voice and make sure everything is still okay on your end.”

“I’m fine,” I say groggily.

“You sound out of it, are you okay?”

“Just tired…” I say, stifling a yawn.

“Jax keeping you up all night hey?” she asks, the innuendo clear in her tone.

“I wish,” I joke back.

“Speaking of, how are things with you two?”

“They’re… good,” I say.

“But?”

“But it’s just taking a while to get back into the swing of things since I’ve been back,” I say casually, as if I had been away on a trip. I don’t mention how amazing Jax has been, how my apparent inability to have sex with him has led to him trying to make me as comfortable as possible, helping me become reacquainted with my own body as he talks to me on the phone, giving me the space I need to feel comfortable once again. I don’t mention how anxious and jumpy I’ve been, and how certain things send me into a state of panic seemingly out of nowhere.

“So, what’s up then?” she presses.

“I just didn’t sleep well last night… or the night before. The last couple weeks have been a bit rough,” I admit, as I walk to the fridge, grabbing the cream before pouring some into my mug.

“What’s keeping you up at night?” she asks tentatively, and I get the feeling she’s trying to keep the conversation going without pushing me too hard.

“I don’t really know,” I murmur as I put the cream away, grabbing the sugar from the pantry and adding a scoop to my coffee.

I stir my coffee absentmindedly as Sam starts to talk about different things I can try to relax before bed. She talks about chamomile tea and different meditations, some of which don’t actually sound half bad. But as she keeps talking, I can’t help but feel a spark of frustration ignite within me.

“It kind of pisses me off,” I say, my own declaration surprising me.

“What?” she asks, clearly taken aback.

“It pisses me off that I have to do any of this in the first place,” I explain, clenching the mug in my hand. “I shouldn’t be in this situation. I shouldn’t be struggling to sleep—”

“Evi…” she says cautiously.

“He shouldn’t have done this to begin with, shouldn’t have come back into my life to fuck everything up again,” I say angrily, taking a breath to steady my breathing, my heart now hammering in my chest as I pace back and forth.

“He shouldn’t have…” I trail off, stopping myself short.

“He shouldn’t have what?”

“Nothing.” I recover quickly. “He just shouldn’t have decided to use me as collateral is all.”

“You didn’t deserve any of this,” she says softly.

I don’t respond as I take another deep breath, willing myself to find some semblance of calm deep within me. I focus on the burn of the hot coffee mug against my hands.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“I’m just tired,” I say, trying to put the walls back up that I’ve struggled so hard to maintain. “I clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I just need a good night of sleep and I’ll feel better.”

“Go take a long shower,” she suggests, “then crawl back into bed. Do you work today? Because if not then there’s nothing keeping you from spending the whole day resting.”

I try not to think about work and the memories from my last shift that I’d rather forget. I don’t know how I’ll manage to step foot back in that place without being reminded of what transpired there.

“Thanks, Sam,” I say, unsure of how to continue this conversation without telling her more than I’m ready to. “I think I might go have a nap.”

“Okay, and Evi?”

“Yeah?”

“You know you can call me whenever, right? Even if you don’t want to talk about what’s wrong… I’m only a text or a call away if you need someone to keep you company.”

“I know, I’m fine, honestly. Thank you though,” I say softly.

I don’t stop pacing, not until long after the call with Sam ends. I can’t seem to hold onto the calm within me, my heart still pounding and my teeth starting to ache from clenching my jaw so tightly. It’s as if there has been a tiny crack in the floodgates, and suddenly anger has washed over me, and I can’t figure out where it is coming from.

There’s too much going on in my head, too much for me to process through, everything feeling as though it’s out of my control. So I do what Sam suggested, putting my coffee down loudly on the counter as I walk back to the bedroom, crawling under the blankets and spending the day lying there, staring out the window until the sun sets and Jax’s warm body crawls into bed beside me. I lay awake well past dawn, even the birds singing does nothing to calm the turmoil within me, until finally I close my eyes and drift off into a nightmare.