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CHAPTER SIX

C ASSIAN FOUND HE was holding his breath. He’d never asked a woman before if she thought he was attractive because he usually didn’t need to. But with Lili…he could feel the sexual tension between them but he wasn’t certain that it wasn’t all on his side.

Now she blushed and ducked her face. He could tell she was used to her hair falling around her face but it was still tied back.

‘Lili?’

She looked up and there was something a little defiant in her expression. It made his pulse trip even harder.

She said, ‘I thought you already established this earlier…you’re an experienced man, you can tell.’

He almost felt sorry for her. ‘So, you’re saying, yes, you do.’

She looked like she might pop a blood vessel. He could see her veins under the delicate skin of her temple. Eventually she got out a slightly strangled-sounding, ‘I mean, doesn’t everyone?’

She gestured towards him. ‘You have to know how gorgeous you are.’

Cassian did know he’d been blessed physically but he’d never taken it for granted. ‘As flattered as I am, I don’t think everyone finds me attractive and really, the only person’s opinion I’m interested in right now is yours.’

‘Why?’

‘Indulge me. Maybe I’m insecure and need an ego boost.’

She looked at him, eyes going wide and then let out a sharp burst of laughter. She clapped a hand over her mouth almost immediately but it was too late. Cassian had seen her face transformed again, like earlier after the karting, and she was…more than beautiful. She was stunning.

She took her hand down from her mouth. ‘You really want me to spell it out.’

‘I do.’

She sighed and rolled her eyes but then said, ‘Fine, for what it’s worth, I do…find you…attractive.’

Why did that feel like such a ridiculously huge triumph to Cassian? Her cheeks were burning. It was endearing. And also a serious turn-on. Cassian couldn’t help but think about how she might look after making love. Hot and dishevelled, cheeks flushed from pleasure.

He had to try and curb the heat in his body. This was a non-starter. And maybe the fact that she was so unavailable was making her more alluring. Cassian cursed himself. He’d had too much of getting his own way, never being denied anything. He’d grown complacent. And arrogant. Lili was a dose of reality and fresh air. And he needed to get some air to his brain now, because if he didn’t his mind was starting to spiral into the fact that he couldn’t think of another woman he’d ever wanted more and that had never happened to him.

‘Look, Lili, we’re obviously attracted to each other but I respect your boundaries and the fact that you’ve made it very clear you don’t want to be physically intimate. If IVF is as far as you’re prepared to go to try for a child then that’s what we’ll do. You’re sacrificing a lot to give me my inheritance and I appreciate that.’

Now the smile was gone, she looked tortured. ‘You’re being more than generous already and it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I really don’t think I can.’

Cassian had to curb an almost overwhelming urge to stand up and go to her, pull her out of her seat and bring her close to his body where she could feel the heat between them. He hadn’t even kissed her yet. She’d avoided that on the wedding day. But he could still remember how her cheek had felt under his mouth, soft, silky.

He said, ‘I’ve decided to stay for a few days to catch up on some of the villa’s administration and I promised Ricardo that I’d go to the track again. Whatever happens is your choice, Lili. No pressure. I mean that.’

After a long moment she said, ‘I thought you were going to try to seduce me.’

Something inside Cassian twisted. He could be ruthless when he wanted but there was an air of vulnerability about Lili that he’d never really noticed in other women and he found himself battling the desire he felt with another desire, a need to protect.

She’s your wife, it’s an entirely natural instinct. That was it. Their marriage didn’t need to be a real one for him to want to protect her. She was his family now. He wouldn’t let any harm come to her, from him or anyone else.

He said, ‘No. I wouldn’t do that. I respect your boundaries.’

She looked relieved. ‘I’m sorry it’s not more straightforward for me.’

‘It’s not something to apologise for. Something happened to you and you can’t help your response.’

‘Thank you for being so understanding.’ Lili stood up. ‘I think I’ll go to bed. Goodnight, Cassian.’ She picked up the empty coffee cups.

‘Leave those, Eloisa can get them.’

‘It’s no trouble.’

Cassian stood up too. ‘Goodnight, Lili.’

He watched her walk away. Her shirt had ridden up a little and the jeans lovingly cupped her bottom, high and perfectly shaped. Desire gnawed at Cassian. He sat back down and smiled mirthlessly to himself. No doubt this was some form of karma being visited on him for all the times he’d shut down emotionally and pushed lovers away, not wanting to risk any kind of involvement beyond the superficial.

* * *

A couple of hours later Lili still couldn’t sleep. She blamed the coffee. A bad idea. But also, something else was playing on her mind. She’d brought the coffee cups down to the kitchen to be helpful and found Eloisa there. She’d immediately said, ‘I’m sorry, you didn’t have to wait for us, I’m sure you’ve a family to go home to.’ Eloisa lived in the small village nearby.

The woman had smiled a little and said, ‘Thank you, Signora Corti, actually no, we don’t have a family yet, but we are trying.’

Lili had guestimated Eloisa to be in her early thirties and could read between the lines to register a faint sense of weariness and desperation in the woman’s voice. It obviously wasn’t happening easily for them. In Italy children and family were everything. She could only imagine the heartache of everyone expecting you to have children and nothing happening.

She had a sense that the woman wouldn’t want to hear some kind of platitude and so bid her goodnight.

But now the conversation replayed on a loop in Lili’s head and she was feeling increasingly uneasy. Giving up any hope of sleep, she got out of bed and took off her nightclothes. She pulled out the white swimsuit and grabbed a robe.

A swim. That usually helped her to sleep and would hopefully quieten down her mind. She got to the pool and dropped the robe. The air was a little cool but she dove in anyway and surfaced at the other end and started doing laps.

When she could feel her muscles protesting she stopped and floated on her back. An image of Cassian finding her here that first night came into her head. Had she come down here now because she was hoping to run into him again? Hoping for him to…what? Try to persuade her to try and conceive a baby naturally? After accusing him of doing that? When he hadn’t at all. I respect your boundaries . She believed him. It would have been so easy for him to try and seduce her.

She knew she was susceptible to him even as she battled her inner demons.

Lili swam over to the edge of the pool and hauled herself out, sitting for a minute on the edge. Did she want Cassian to make it easy for her to confront something she thought she’d never have to?

You really planned on being celibate your whole life? asked a little voice. Lili didn’t know. She hadn’t really thought too far ahead. Her main objective had been to put distance between her and her family and find a place of sanctuary to feel safe.

Maybe you should have joined a nunnery . Lili scowled at the voice. But it wasn’t far off the life she’d built for herself.

And she couldn’t help thinking about Eloisa and all the other people out in the world who she knew had trouble conceiving. Lili didn’t even know if she would have trouble. As the doctor had said, there was every indication that she and Cassian would have no problems.

And could Lili, in all conscience, use IVF because her husband could afford it and because she was too crippled by her phobia to even try to overcome it?

She felt ashamed. And yet the thought of allowing Cassian to come close…touch her…made her feel sheer panic. But it wasn’t just panic. It was laced with excitement. Because he was the first man who had broken through something to reach a part of herself that she’d locked away a long time ago.

Even before the kidnappers. Maybe when she’d first reached for her mother’s hand and had been brushed aside with a sharp response. Her parents hadn’t been tactile. Her brothers had pushed her around. So then maybe the kidnappers doing the same but in a far more terrifying situation had finally made her close down completely.

She thought of how she’d felt earlier after go-karting. The exhilaration. The way her mind had had no option but to focus on the task at hand. How much lighter she’d felt afterwards. As if she’d reclaimed some aspect of herself long denied. Cassian had given her that.

Lili shivered a little in the night air. She got up and pulled on her robe. Her hair was damp. She walked back into the quiet villa, but instead of going to her own room she kept walking until she got to Cassian’s bedroom door.

It was slightly ajar. She knew that she could turn around now and go to her room and as promised, Cassian would let her dictate how this baby would be conceived. Or, she could take a giant step out of her comfort zone and change the script. The script she’d been blindly following for years now.

Did she want to risk not being able to touch her own child? Passing on to them the same treatment she’d been subjected to? If she couldn’t contemplate having a child naturally with its father then how could she hope to lavish it with all of the physical affection she’d never experienced?

She stood hovering like that for so long that she felt pins and needles in her legs. This was ridiculous. She couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t work. She would freeze on Cassian and make a fool of herself and—

The door was pulled open at that moment and Lili’s vision was filled with a bare-chested Cassian, messy hair, silver eyes. She didn’t dare look down. He seemed like the kind of man who would sleep naked.

‘Lili?’

She swallowed. ‘Um, yes, sorry… I couldn’t sleep…went for a swim.’

That light gaze dropped over her body now, taking in the short robe, bare legs, damp hair. He looked back up and his eyes had turned darker. ‘You went for a swim?’

She nodded. ‘And I… I’m not sure what I’m doing here…but I think I would like to try…to…do this…naturally.’ Her heart was beating so fast now she felt light-headed.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Maybe if we talk about it first? Like…what would happen?’

Cassian frowned. ‘Lili…are you a virgin?’

She nodded. There was no point denying it. She thought he might have guessed that already.

He had a slightly arrested look on his face and something occurred to her. She took a step back. ‘I’m so stupid…it’s probably a total turn-off to sleep with a novice…’ After all it wasn’t as if this was a real marriage where a husband might value his wife’s innocence.

But he put out a hand and was shaking his head. ‘No, it’s not…’ His voice sounded a bit rough. ‘It’s not that, it’s just a surprise, that’s all, and it means that we’d have to take things…slowly.’

‘That’s okay.’ Then she blurted out, ‘I might not be able to go through with it but I was talking to Eloisa earlier and I think they’re having trouble having a baby and it just made me realise that perhaps it’s selfish to use artificial means if we don’t need to.’ She stopped. She was babbling.

Cassian stood back and opened the door wide. ‘Why don’t you come in and we’ll just talk, hm?’

Lili took a hesitant step over the threshold. There was one low light on near the bed. Sheets rumpled. French doors open, letting air in. She welcomed the faint breeze over her hot skin.

She turned around to face Cassian. She could see that he was wearing low-slung pyjama bottoms. They looked like they were hanging onto his narrow hips very precariously.

He had hair on his chest. Masculine.

He said, ‘Lili, you’re trembling. Are you sure you want to try this? I meant what I said earlier… I don’t want you to feel pressured.’

Lili lifted a hand. It was shaking. If anything, this evidence of her fear made her even more determined. She couldn’t let her past cast its shadow over her future, especially if she wanted to do it differently for her child. They deserved her bravery. She shook her head. ‘No, I want to try. At least.’

‘Okay, wait here.’

She watched as Cassian walked out. Not sure what to expect, Lili turned on another low light and then sat on the edge of the bed. Cassian’s scent tickled her nostrils. Earthy. With a hint of sea and citrus. Uncomplicated. She had to concede that wasn’t unlike him. He was turning out to be direct, open. Not some selfish, louche party boy.

She wondered about that just as his shadow fell across the door and he came back with two half-full glasses of what looked like wine in his hands. He came over and handed her one. ‘I thought this might help, a little.’

Lili was touched by his consideration. ‘Thank you.’ She took a big sip and then put the glass down on a bedside table.

Cassian sat on the bed too, but at a distance. He took a drink of wine and handed the glass to Lili. ‘Would you mind?’

She took it and put it down beside hers. She turned back. He was looking at her. ‘So, you’ve never had sex. Have you done…anything else?’

Lili could feel heat rising. ‘Not really. I developed early…and I was self-conscious. My mother used to tell me to hide my breasts. That my hips were too big. She’s like a little bird.’

Something crossed Cassian’s face, it looked like irritation. ‘That’s when you learned to hide.’

‘Maybe. I went to an all-girls school. Men…boys, kind of scared me. My brothers were…rough. They treated me like them.’

‘And then…something happened to you.’

Lili could feel the heat draining out of her face and body. She felt cold and wrapped her arms around herself. ‘Yes.’ Clipped. She silently begged Cassian not to ask her about it because she didn’t want toxic memories ruining this moment.

Thankfully, he seemed to sense her plea.

‘Okay. And you do…know what happens?’

It took a second for Lili to register his meaning and now the heat was back. ‘Of course, I’m not completely naive. My brothers watched a lot of porn.’ Her face was burning now.

Cassian said dryly, ‘They sound absolutely charming.’

They had been spoiled tyrants and Lili had never been so thankful that she was no longer anywhere near them. And never would be again.

And then she blurted out, ‘I saw you…in the shower. I didn’t mean to. I came into your room on the first day and you were still in the bathroom.’

Cassian said, ‘That’s okay. Did you like what you saw?’

The image of his broad back, tapering down to lean hips and then firm, muscular buttocks flashed into Lili’s mind. She nodded. She was so gauche. If Cassian still found her attractive after this then it would be a miracle.

He stood up from the bed. ‘You can look at me now if you want.’

Lili’s curiosity overcame her embarrassment. He was simply too beautiful not to look at. Her gaze roved over his broad chest and shoulders. Muscled arms. Pectorals. Taut belly with the delineation of muscles.

Just above the waistband of his pants, she could see the indentation where his thighs met his waist. She didn’t know what to call it but it made her fingers itch to trace it.

She wanted to touch him . Her gaze jumped up to his. Had she spoken out loud? He was looking at her steadily. Completely unfazed. Something about his acceptance of this situation was incredibly empowering. What other man would so patiently hand themselves over like this?

She stood up. ‘Can I touch you?’

His eyes widened. ‘Of course, if you want.’

Lili went and stood in front of him. She’d stopped trembling now. Maybe the alcohol had worked. But her mind had never felt clearer. She was aware of Cassian’s gaze on her and walked around behind him. She lifted her hands and held them away from his back for a few seconds. She could almost feel his body heat radiating against her palms.

And then, very gently she brought them closer and laid them on his bare back. The feel of his skin under hers was so shocking at first that she pulled them back again, but then she put them back, leaving them there, absorbing the sensation of his skin, warm and silky.

She spread her fingers, encompassing as much as she could, and then slowly moved them, up and down, tracing the way his back got narrower towards his waist.

She moved back around to stand in front of him and avoided looking in his face as she put her hands to his chest, his hair tickling her palms and fingers. Softer than she had imagined. Springy.

His nipples were two hard nubs under her palms and instinctively she moved her hands down, nails grazing against them. She heard a sharp indrawn breath and looked up. ‘Did I hurt you?’

Cassian shook his head. ‘No…but you are killing me slowly.’

Lili could see the faintest sheen of perspiration on his face. It was more than astounding to think she was having an effect on him. But then she looked down and she could see where his pants were bulging slightly.

Her mouth was suddenly dry. She looked up again. ‘Can I undo your pants?’

‘By all means.’ His jaw clenched.

Lili saw a button. She put her hands to it, slipping it free. The top of his pants opened revealing dark hair. Suddenly she was a little overcome.

Cassian said, ‘Do you want me to take them off?’

Without looking at him—too ashamed of the hunger she was feeling and all of the new sensations swirling inside her, she nodded and took a step back. She’d forgotten the bed was right behind her and ended up sitting on the edge again, watching as Cassian put his hands to the sides of his pants and pushed them down. Stepping out of them.

He was naked. Lili’s eyes had to be as big as saucers. She was transfixed. He was a study in perfection. He wasn’t fully erect but even at that he was beyond intimidating. Thick and hard. Veins running along the shaft. It twitched under her gaze and Lili really, really wanted to touch it.

Cassian said, ‘You can if you like.’

She looked at him. She must have spoken out loud. She wasn’t sure if she was dreaming all of this up. Time seemed to have slowed or stopped completely. There was just them in this room and this taut bubble of energy between them.

‘You’re so beautiful,’ she couldn’t help saying.

* * *

Cassian wasn’t sure how he was standing so still when every nerve in his body was pulled so tight that he could feel his heart thumping. The way Lili had just touched him, as reverently as if he was made of china…he’d never experienced anything like it.

She stood up again and he gritted his jaw as she came close again. She looked down at him and that was all it took for his body to get even harder. He couldn’t remember when he’d been so turned on.

She was biting her lip now and he had to clench his hands to fists to stop himself from reaching out. You can’t touch her . Uncharted territory. It made him think of all the women who’d given themselves to him so willingly over the years, all but pushing themselves into his hands and he’d taken without even thinking. Gorging himself but coming away feeling increasingly dissatisfied.

From where he stood, he could see a tantalising glimpse of Lili’s cleavage. The robe had fallen open slightly. He could also see the white of the swimsuit. The most innocuous piece of clothing and yet it had assumed almost mythical proportions in his imaginings.

But all of that was eclipsed when he felt her stroke a finger down the length of his penis. He had to close his eyes. Madre di Dio …and now, she was closing a hand around him, fingers shaping his flesh, moving up and down slightly.

Cassian could feel sweat break out on his brow. He opened his eyes. Lili looked up, cheeks flushed. Eyes very blue. ‘Is this okay?’

He nodded. ‘It’s amazing…but if you keep doing that I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to maintain my dignity.’

She took her hand away and Cassian almost cursed out loud. But it was good, because he didn’t really want to spill into her hand like some hormonal teenager.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, looking genuinely anguished.

Cassian cursed again, silently. He shook his head. ‘Nothing to apologise for. It’s a sign of the effect you have on me.’

‘What…what should I do now?’

There was something so endearingly trusting about her that Cassian almost wanted to take her by the hand and lead her out of his room and villa and put her on a boat and send her off to some other man who would handle her with kid gloves and not want to devour her like he did. He felt like a hungry wolf with little innocent Red Riding Hood.

But even just the thought of her with another man was enough to make him also want to lock every door in the place and never let her outside again.

He took a deep breath. ‘Why don’t you take off your robe?’

She undid the knot in the belt and opened it. The robe fell open and she pulled it back, letting it fall to the floor. Now she only wore the swimsuit and Cassian’s gaze was full of her glorious body.

The full, high breasts. Nipples pressing against the taut fabric. Soft belly. Small waist, curving out to her hips. Strong thighs.

‘Will I…take it off?’

Cassian sent up a silent prayer for control. ‘If you feel comfortable.’

She put one hand under a strap and pushed it down over her shoulder and then the other one. Then she tugged them down. He held his breath for an infinitesimal moment before she kept going and peeled the material down, over her breasts to her waist.

Cassian felt a rush of blood to his head. She was stunning. The most beautifully shaped breasts he’d ever seen in his life. Full and heavy. Nipples hard and pink. His mouth watered.

She kept going, shimmying her hips a little as she tugged the swimsuit down all the way and let it fall at her feet.

Cassian moved his gaze down, taking her in. Awed. A dark thatch of hair between her legs. She put a hand there and ducked her head, as if suddenly embarrassed. ‘You’re probably used to—’

‘No.’ His voice came out harsher than expected. She looked up.

‘No,’ he said, more gently. ‘You are exquisite.’

‘What should I do now?’

‘Can I look at you?’

She nodded. Cassian stood back. A chance to try and get some air to his brain. To keep the fire in his blood at a level where he didn’t feel like he was going to explode.

He let his gaze rove over her, every inch. And then he started to walk around her. Her back was almost as tantalising as her front. Long spine. Pale skin. The way her waist curved out to her hips and her bottom. Full and plump.

But then she turned around abruptly. ‘Actually, I don’t like you being behind me… I can’t see you.’

He could see that she was breathing faster. The fear in her eyes. What the hell had happened to her? But he pushed that aside now.

He said, ‘Okay, I won’t do that again. How about if I lie down on the bed?’

She nodded jerkily, damp skeins of dark hair slipping over her shoulder, reaching down as far as her breasts.

He lay down on the bed. He felt as though his whole body was throbbing. ‘Why don’t you sit on the chair over there?’ He indicated to a wide chair near a chest of drawers.

Lili looked at it. ‘Okay.’ She went over and sat down on the edge and looked as if she was waiting for his next instruction.

Cassian came up on one elbow. He knew that if they were going to do this, she would have to be fully ready and if he couldn’t touch her…he asked, ‘Have you ever touched yourself, Lili?’