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CHAPTER TEN

I T SCARED LILI how much she was looking forward to Cassian’s return to the villa. She’d thought she wouldn’t see him again until some time after the race in Monte Carlo. After all, they’d certainly followed the fertility doctor’s advice fairly comprehensively.

Lili was due her period any day now and while she didn’t think for a second they’d be lucky enough to get pregnant on their first attempts, she found she was torn between both wanting it to have happened and also for it not to have happened because if she fell pregnant, then what would that mean? Job done. Heir conceived. Cassian could get on with his life.

‘Lili, he’s on the boat, he’ll be here in about ten minutes.’

‘Grazie, Eloisa, I’ll go down and meet him.’

Lili made her way down through the garden. Dusk was falling. So much had happened since she’d gone down to these gates weeks ago. It boggled her mind if she thought about it too much.

She’d changed. She felt lighter. Less afraid. She didn’t mind people getting close. She’d bumped into Matteo earlier and before that would have precipitated a reaction close to a panic attack. She’d just apologised and brushed it off.

And she wasn’t wearing one of those big loose flowy dresses. Because they were all gone. She was wearing a dress, but it was sleeveless and came to above her knee and it was form-fitting, with a belt around her waist and buttons down the front. She’d deliberately left the top buttons undone to show a hint of cleavage, giddy with an excitement she’d never felt before, because she’d never had a boyfriend or a lover. Or a husband.

She pushed open the big gates and went down the steps. She heard the sound of an engine and she could make out the tall figure at the wheel. Lili’s insides fizzed and somersaulted and her blood felt thick and hot and between her legs grew damp with desire. Her nipples pebbled into hard points.

The boat came close enough for her to pick out Cassian’s features. Those grey eyes swept over her body and a fresh wave of heat engulfed her. He threw her the rope and she secured the boat. Then he stepped onto the pier and she was so desperate to feel him under her hands that it didn’t give her a second thought or moment of hesitation when he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her so thoroughly she almost melted into a puddle at his feet.

They pulled apart. Her hands were wrapped around his wrists as if she could keep his hands on her face. And then, without wasting another second, Cassian was taking her hand and leading her straight up to the villa and to the bedroom.

An electric urgency crackled between them. Like nothing Lili had felt before. ‘Cass…what?’

‘I need you. Now.’

There was a stark expression on his face and in that moment all Lili could think of helplessly was, I’m falling in love with him.

A dozen questions bubbled up inside her, even as they both reached for each other wordlessly, stripping off clothes and falling onto the bed in a tangle of limbs, skin already damp with anticipation: What happens if I get pregnant? Will you still want me? Or will this all be over? Will you really just leave me and your child behind and get on with your life? And why does that not feel like enough for me now?

But they all turned to ash on her tongue because she knew she couldn’t ask them. Cassian had never promised her anything. If she hadn’t precipitated making love, they could very well have not seen each other since the wedding if they’d embarked on IVF. And so, if this was all she was going to get…this desperate hungry need, then she would take it.

Lili twined her arms around Cassian’s neck and revelled in the feel of his hard body against hers and as their mouths met and as he joined their bodies, she told herself this was fine. She would survive this when it was over. She’d survived a lot worse.

* * *

‘And I really like this look, showcasing the original features but with a more modern touch in the decoration.’

Cassian responded by gently biting Lili’s bottom. She dropped her phone and turned around. ‘Hey, you’re not taking this redecoration stuff seriously.’

‘Oh, I am,’ he said, nipping at her flesh again and moving back up so they were side by side, on their elbows. She’d been showing him online mood boards of inspiration for the redecoration. ‘Very seriously. I trust your judgement, Lili. Go for it.’

She looked at him. ‘You have no thoughts on what you’d like?’

Cassian flopped onto his back. ‘This place hasn’t been decorated since before my parents’ time. Anything would be an improvement.’

‘Thanks,’ she said dryly, ‘I think.’

He looked at her. ‘I leave for Monte Carlo later this morning.’

Lili pushed down the trepidation she felt when he said that. Not only fear for his safety but also because she had a foreboding that Monte Carlo was going to be some kind of watershed for them. He’d be back in his world, reminded of all the reasons why coming home to Lake Como was vastly more boring than what he was used to.

Lili had been a diversion. A novelty.

‘Come with me. I have an apartment there.’

It took Lili a second to understand what he’d said. Her eyes widened. ‘You want me to come with you?’

Something flashed across his face but it was gone so fast she couldn’t decipher it. She was afraid it had looked like regret. But he nodded. ‘Sure, why not? You’ve never been to a motor race before and Monte Carlo is the most dramatic arena in the world.’

‘And,’ he went on, ‘there’s a charity event hosted by the racing governing body in the Hotel de Paris the night before qualification. We could use it as an opportunity to appear in public together again.’

Her fizzing insides deflated a little. It was just an opportunity. But even so, she wasn’t strong enough to resist. She shrugged and echoed his words. ‘Sure, why not?’

He reached for her, putting his hands on her waist and urging her closer so that she lay over his body. They were welded together. Chest to chest, hips to hips. She could feel him, between her legs, growing harder. Again. Her heart sped up.

‘Now, what was it you wanted to discuss about chinoiserie on the walls in the bedrooms?’

Lili rolled her eyes and pressed her mouth to his. He gripped her hair, angling her head so he could plunder her deeply and Lili pushed everything else deep down where she would ignore it for as long as possible.

* * *

Monte Carlo was an assault on the senses. Stunning location, built into the hills with the Alps on one side and the Mediterranean on the other. There were scores of people everywhere. More sleek yachts than Lili had ever seen crowding the marina. Structures set up along the race route which took place on the narrow winding streets of the municipality where Cassian was driving them in an open-top sports car. Shades on, wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt. He was every muscular inch the elite sportsman and as people spotted him they called out, ‘Cassian Corti! We love you!’

Lili was glad she was wearing shades too. To hide her scowl at all the women screaming for Cassian.

They wound their way up into the streets away from the circuit and Lili could see that every building and street oozed with luxury and wealth. Tall buildings, old and new towered over them. Honey-coloured stone adding to the overall impression of extreme luxury and wealth.

Cassian slowed down and turned into an underground car park under one of the older buildings. An attendent met them and took their bags while another attendant jumped into the car to park it.

They got into an elevator and it went all the way to the top. Cassian’s apartment was the penthouse and an outdoor terrace had spectacular views all the way down to the marina and over to the royal palace, at a little distance away. Designer stores lined the streets below and there were small lush green spaces. Tourists wandered around taking it all in.

‘Good afternoon, Monsieur Corti.’

Lili turned around from where she’d been looking at the view to see a man dressed in a butler’s uniform greeting Cassian who said, ‘Marcel, how are you?’

‘Very well, ready for the race on Sunday?’

‘I’m always ready, Marcel, you know that.’

Lili came back inside, feeling a little shy. She wondered if she matched up as the wife of a billionaire/playboy/motor racing champion. She’d dressed in soft worn leather trousers, slim-fitting, with a loose silk shirt. Hair up to keep it from flying around her face in the open-top car. Minimal make-up.

‘Marcel, I’d like you to meet my wife, Lili.’

He bowed towards her. ‘A pleasure, Madame Corti, I will do my utmost to make sure your stay is as pleasant as possible.’

‘Oh, I don’t need much at all, please don’t go to any trouble.’

Marcel had prepared a light lunch for them and they ate it on the terrace. Cassian wiped his mouth, took another gulp of coffee and stood up. ‘I have to go, the guys will be waiting for me at the HQ.’

Lili lifted her head and shaded her eyes so she could see him. She hoped the disappointment she felt wasn’t on her face. It was ironic really, she’d longed for a life of solitude and security and now that she could have it, she felt lonely at the thought of Cassian leaving her for a few hours.

He frowned. ‘Is that okay?’

She waved a hand. ‘Of course, you’re here to work. Go.’

‘There’s a pool and a gym here…not that I’m suggesting you need to work out…there are designer shops on every corner…you should be able to keep yourself amused.’

Lili stood up and forced a big grin. ‘Please, don’t worry about me, I’m not here to distract you.’

Cassian moved towards her and snaked an arm around her waist, pulling her into him. She revelled in his touch, putting her hands on his chest.

‘Well you’ve failed miserably, I’m afraid, you can’t not distract me but I fear you would have been a bigger distraction not being here.’

Her heart leapt a little. Then he said, ‘What is it? Shopping doesn’t fill you with giddy glee?’

Lili grimaced. ‘I’ve either been cleaning houses or housekeeping since I left home, I’m not exactly used to a life of frivolous activities. And I’m still not really sure what suits me. Also, I know you gave me a credit card to use but I’m not really comfortable spending your money.’

Cassian’s head fell back and he let out a half laugh. He looked at her again, smiling wryly. ‘If I didn’t know you already I’d assume that’s a line.’

‘Okay then,’ he said. ‘Do you want to come with me?’

Lili grinned. ‘Could I? I wouldn’t get in the way, I promise.’

He stood back and looked her up and down. ‘In those trousers, and that shirt, it’s pretty impossible for you not to distract but if it gives me an edge this weekend, I’ll take it.’

He took her hand but she stalled for a second. ‘Seriously, I don’t want to be in the way.’

He pressed a kiss to her mouth and pulled back. ‘Today is just some practice sessions and checking out the circuit.’

‘Okay then.’ Lili couldn’t hide her excitement. This was much more fun than hanging around by a pool or shopping.

* * *

The paddock area, as Cassian had explained to Lili, was the area that housed all the different teams’ garages, hospitality areas and media pens. It was a hiving buzzing mini-city and Lili was awed by the sheer level of industry.

Cassian held her firmly by the hand as they made their way through to his team’s hub. People were constantly stopping him to say hello but he just greeted them and kept going.

He looked back at her. ‘Okay? Are the crowds too much?’

Lili shook her head. ‘No, it’s fine.’ Because she was with him and he was anchoring her to a sense of security.

Even when they got to his team’s HQ and he had to go and do his thing, he left her in the familiar hands of Ricardo who she’d met at Monza. He told her where to sit and made sure she was looked after. Lili soaked it all in and then watched as Cassian appeared again in that close-fitting driving suit and then contorted himself into the car before heading out to the track to do laps.

Ricardo gave her headphones so she could hear Cassian converse with the engineer and just hearing his voice was enough to send thrills through her.

After a couple of hours Cassian was ready to go again. The following day would be more practice laps and then Saturday would be the day he would have to try and attain pole position for the actual race on Sunday.

Lili’s mind boggled with everything.

When they got back to the apartment Cassian had to take some business calls and so Lili, feeling restless after all of the adrenaline she’d just witnessed, went out for a walk. It had been so long since she’d felt…free.

Although, she had a sharp reminder that her demons weren’t altogether gone when a group of young people were suddenly behind her, crowding her, trying to get past and she had a sudden spike of panic, her heart rate zooming sky-high. She let them pass and sat down on a nearby bench, waiting for her heart rate to settle.

She’d come so far in the last weeks but this was a reminder that she still had a ways to go.

As she sat there, she saw a sign for a pharmacy nearby and instinctively put a hand to her belly. There was still no sign of her period. She got up and went over and, telling herself she was just being cautious, she bought an over-the-counter early pregnancy test.

When she was back in the apartment, Cassian was still on the phone in his office. Lili put the pregnancy test under some clothes in her bag and forgot about it.

* * *

By the following evening, after another visit to the track with Cassian, Lili was beginning to feel like a pro when it came to racing—and she had yet to see a live race! She’d met Cassian’s teammate, a Frenchman who was very intense. She was being treated almost as one of the team by his team and it made her feel more emotional than she’d like to admit, another reminder of how her own family had consistently shut her out.

She could understand the allure of this tight-knit world that Cassian was part of.

She’d commented earlier, as they’d driven back to the apartment in his car, ‘It’s like a family. Your team.’

He’d looked at her but shades had been covering his eyes. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You’ve been with them since you started racing. It’s all about loyalty and they love you. I think Ricardo thinks of you as a son.’

A muscle in Cassian’s jaw had popped and he’d said tightly, ‘He has a son. Two sons.’

Lili had shrugged. ‘I know more than anyone that family bonds don’t necessarily mean much. You make your family and you’ve created a family out of this world. Your team.’

Cassian had changed the subject, clearly not enthusiastic about her take on his chosen profession. He’d been conducting some online business meetings and so Lili had taken advantage of the apartment’s pool to soak up some sun and force herself to relax even though it went against the grain.

She’d found that Eloisa had packed some swimwear—not her white one-piece but a white bikini. Lili had put it on telling herself she’d look ridiculous, falling out of it all over the place but it was actually very flattering and supportive.

When she heard a sound nearby her skin prickled with awareness. Footsteps stopped abruptly. Lili opened her eyes and squinted up at Cassian who was standing a few feet away.

She stopped breathing. He was wearing nothing but snug white swimming shorts. Showcasing every delectable inch of his olive-hued and honed body.

His voice sounded a bit strangled. ‘It looks like we’re matching.’ And then, ‘ Dio , Lili, I had fantasies about the swimsuit but you’ve just surpassed them.’

Lili wished she was sophisticated enough to stand up gracefully and sashay over to Cassian, take him by the hand and render him insensible with her sexual prowess but she was still very much a blushing novice learning at the hands of a master.

She sat up and pulled her knees up. ‘You don’t look bad yourself.’

He put out a hand. ‘I’m hot. Join me in the pool?’

Blood fizzing now, Lili got up from the lounger with as much grace as she could muster and went over to Cassian. His eyes were glowing. But she didn’t take his hand. She kept walking to the deep end of the pool and after pulling her hair up into a rough knot on her head, she dove in and swam underwater all the way to the other end.

She surfaced just in time to see Cassian execute a perfect dive and within seconds hands were around her calves and tugging her back under. She sucked in a deep breath and met him underwater.

They kissed, floating in time and space, until they had to breathe and came up for air. Lili’s arms and legs were wrapped around Cassian. He backed her up against the wall and she leaned back.

He smoothed his hands down her back, easily undoing her bikini top and dispensing with it. His gaze was hot and devoured her and then he lowered his head and surrounded one taut peak with his hot mouth, making her writhe against him.

He broke away, cheeks flushed. ‘So much for taking a swim, I can think of another activity I’d prefer.’

Lili was breathless. Needy. ‘Me too.’

Cassian let her go and hauled himself out of the pool, reaching her her and pulling her up. They went straight to the bedroom and within seconds he was inside her, filling her, stretching her and Lili knew that she’d never know this kind of exquisite pleasure again. It made her feel emotional.

She moved against him to make the emotion go back where it belonged, but it stayed, high in her chest and throat, stinging her eyes, as Cassian moved within her until she was arching her back against him and pleading for release. And only in that moment of oblivion was the emotion eclipsed.

* * *

Lili felt a gentle rocking motion and then prodding against her bare shoulder. She was face-planted into the pillow, unable to move. She made a sound in her throat to signify she was semi-conscious.

Cassian’s voice. ‘Time to get up, we have an event to go to.’

Lili made another sound that she hoped conveyed what she meant which was: Huh?

As if Cassian had understood perfectly he said, ‘The charity event at the Hotel de Paris.’

Lili moved her head to the side and without opening her eyes said, ‘It’s your fault I’m not able to move.’

There was a low chuckle that had a decidedly evil edge to it. She cracked open one eye and scowled at him. He was bare-chested, hair damp, and smelled amazing. He’d just showered. A spurt of awareness sent tingles through her blood, waking her up a little.

Then he said, ‘I got you something to wear.’

Lili turned over on her back and saw how his eyes went to her breasts. She shamelessly let him look, hoping she might distract him enough to forget about an event. But he lifted his gaze back to hers and said, ‘Nice try, witch .’

He went to the dressing room and came back holding up a dress on a hanger. Lili absently pulled the sheet up over her chest and sat up, blinking. It was the beautiful green slinky dress Cassian had spotted in the window of a boutique in Como.

Strappy with the deep vee and a generous slit over one leg. It looked miniscule on the hanger. She said, ‘That’ll never fit me.’

‘Try it. I’ve asked someone from a local salon to come and help get you ready.’

He hung it behind the door and then said, ‘The beautician will be here in twenty minutes.’

Lili squeaked and jumped out of bed, pulling the sheet around her and trailing it behind her as she made her way to the bathroom.

* * *

An hour later Cassian was allowing himself a small shot of whiskey but this, he felt, would be permittable on a race weekend when he would obviously never normally drink. But, he was still fizzing with an overload of pleasure endorphins after making love to Lili for the entire afternoon. Again and again until they were spent.

Contrary to that first time they’d made love—now there was nowhere he couldn’t touch her. She was expressive, responsive and tactile. And generous. His mind threatened to blank just at the memory of how she’d taken him in her mouth, her eyes on his as those plump lips had surrounded him in heat and suction and mind-blowing pleasure.

She kept surprising him. And, she was the first woman he’d ever brought with him to a race. He’d always kept his personal life strictly away from the track. But he wanted her here. He needed her. It was as if she’d become some sort of touchstone that he had to keep near him.

And, something she’d said earlier kept reverberating in his head. Her observation about how the racing crew were like his family. When she’d said that he’d felt himself tense in rejection at the very notion.

Ever since his family died, he’d vowed never to need family again. Loving meant losing and he’d resigned himself to being on his own to avoid that horrific grief and sense of abandonment. Self-protection, yes, but also due to a sense of guilt that he’d survived and they hadn’t. On some level he’d always felt he didn’t deserve to aspire to that kind of happiness again.

And yet, Lili had a point that he couldn’t deny. The racing crew had become like his family. And he’d let that happen in spite of his best efforts to shut everyone else out. Certainly lovers had never come close. Until now .

It was disconcerting to acknowledge that he’d found himself creating some kind of a family around him. Because they really were. He’d put Ricardo’s sons through university. He’d paid medical bills for another crew member’s parent’s cancer treatment. He’d watched their children grow up. And, he’d stayed loyal to the same team since he’d started racing. He was invested in their care and lives in a way that he could see now was like some sort of a web of connections. Care. Interest. Love .

On that very disturbing note, he heard a sound and looked to the doorway and almost dropped the glass out of his hand. Lili was standing there, in the dress. It seemed to have been poured onto her body. Glittering. Every curvaceous inch was glorified and celebrated. There was a cutout over one hip. The straps of the dress highlighted the line of her shoulders and toned arms. The vee dipped between the curves of her perfect breasts. Breasts he could still taste on his tongue.

Her hair was down and loose and wild but clipped back from her face. She wore minimal jewelry. She didn’t need it. She looked fierce. Cassian had the very unfamiliar urge to go and kneel before her and ask her… what? He shook his head to try and restore some sense of sanity and she said, ‘I know, it’s too tight, isn’t it?’

He realised she’d misinterpreted his gesture and put out a hand. He put the glass down and walked towards her. ‘No. You should never take it off again. It’s perfect. You’re…perfect.’

She blushed. Her eyes were huge and very blue. ‘Are you sure?’

Cassian nodded. ‘I have never been more sure of anything in my life.’ And he realised it in that moment. And he knew he wasn’t talking about her dress anymore. From the minute he’d seen this woman waiting on that small pier, his life had become…less noisy. Less about the pain of the past, even as their whole marriage was designed to preserve a part of his past.

It had become more about the present. He had to face the fact that at no point had he felt the need to check if Lili might be pregnant yet, so that he could move on with his life. Let her move back to the villa and get on with hers. And their child . It was as if he was deliberately avoiding having to deal with what he would do, if she were pregnant. Because that would spell the end of this, wouldn’t it? After all, that was the goal here. Nothing more.

More.

‘Cass? Are you okay?’

Cassian blinked. Lili said with endearing shyness, ‘You look very handsome too.’

He couldn’t even remember what he was wearing. He looked down. It was a white tuxedo jacket. He remembered now. Pairing it with a black bow-tie. He looked up. ‘Thank you.’

Lili frowned. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

Cassian nodded. He was losing it. He took Lili’s hand. ‘We should go or we’ll be late.’

* * *

The charity event was being held in the Hotel de Paris—one of the world’s most glamorous and exclusive hotels. Iconic. Cassian had driven them the short distance in his open-top sports car and once people—passing tourists/racing fans/paparazzi had realised who he was, they’d gone wild.

Lili had clutched his hand tightly as they went into the hotel and were escorted to the space where the event was being held. She was happy to stand beside Cassian and bask in the sense of security and safety with his arm around her. Even when people crowded behind her, she didn’t feel panicky. Once he was there.

First they had drinks on the rooftop pool bar, the sky gradually turning dusky pink as the sun had set over Monaco, and now they were in a beautiful vast room—lavishly decorated—with a terrace that overlooked the road where the cars would be racing—first of all, to qualify, tomorrow and then the actual race the day after.

Lili shuddered delicately, the road looked so narrow to her. How could it be safe for cars going at impossible speeds?

‘Are you cold?’

Cassian handed Lili a glass of sparkling wine and she shook her head. ‘No, just wondering how on earth you do it…race on roads like this.’

‘It’s a rush,’ he admitted. ‘Like nothing else.’

Lili arched a brow. ‘Nothing else at all?’

He looked at her and smiled and it made Lili’s heart seem to expand in her chest. He said, ‘Well, now that you mention it, this afternoon came pretty close.’

‘Only close?’ Lili smiled. She’d never had this kind of teasing relationship with anyone. Her heart turned over. How could someone who she’d never met before, in such a short space of time, have become…her world. Words bubbled up from deep inside. Words that she wasn’t even sure what they were but they were falling out of her mouth before she could examine them or censor them, she was saying, ‘Cass, I think I—’

‘Corti? Is that you?’

Lili was almost surprised to find a whole vast room full of people with music playing from a dais in the corner. For a moment she’d forgotten they weren’t alone. And she’d almost told him—she went cold as panic gripped her and she realised that she’d almost told him she was falling for him.

Cassian was turning away now to greet the man who’d interrupted them. An older man. Lili looked at him and smiled as Cassian introduced them. But this man didn’t go back to ignoring her and talking to Cassian like most people, he stayed looking at her.

Lili felt her smile falter. Why was he looking at her so intensely? And then he said, ‘When I saw your wedding picture in the papers I thought you looked familiar but now I can really see it. You were the girl who was kidnapped, weren’t you?’

Lili’s hand tightened reflexively around the glass she was holding. She felt herself going numb and sounds got distorted. She shook her head, tried to speak. She could feel Cassian looking at her. And then as if someone snapped their fingers—actually the man had done exactly that—everything came back into focus and now the sounds were too clear and loud.

He said, ‘That’s it. Lara Bagiotti. Your father is the real estate mogul.’

Cassian’s voice. ‘You’re mistaken, Adam, my wife’s name was Spirenze and it’s Lili, not Lara.’

But the man was shaking his head. ‘No, I’m almost certain. I was fascinated by the case. You were kidnapped for what…three days? And then suddenly you appeared at a press conference with your parents…after they’d paid the ransom.’

Lili felt sick. Blindly, she put the glass of wine down on a nearby table. She looked at the man and said, ‘They never paid the ransom but they let everyone believe they did.’

The man looked confused. ‘Oh, but then how did you get away?’

Lili couldn’t look at Cassian. The most awful thing that had ever happened to her and the thing that had demonstrated so cruelly how little loved she was, was out in the open in all its ugliness.

She ignored the man’s question. ‘If you’ll excuse me please.’ She made her legs move, and somehow propelled herself through the crowd, pushing through people, hearing vague noises of, hey, watch where you’re going and also, from behind her, Lili… but she couldn’t stop.

She got out to the foyer, blessedly quiet, and stopped. Her skin was clammy, her heart was pounding, her breathing was shallow and she was sure she was about to have her first panic attack in years but there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She saw the doors and took a step towards them but a voice sounded behind her like the crack of a whip. ‘Lili.’