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CHAPTER FOUR

C ASSIAN HEARD THE sounds at the back of the small chapel. People arriving. He looked around to see his staff entering and taking seats. There were a few witnesses up at the front. His solicitor and his executive assistant.

And then, the sunlight coming into the chapel was momentarily eclipsed when Lili walked through the door.

For a second, Cassian felt as if someone invisible had just punched him in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. She was encased from head to toe in white lace. He’d never seen someone so covered up, and yet every delectable curve was lovingly outlined by the dress and it was more provocative than if she’d turned up wearing that one-piece swimsuit.

It immediately made him think of uncovering her.

She seemed to hesitate at the top of the aisle for a moment and then she started to walk down it, on her own, chin tilted up. Something about that caught at Cassian, making him feel a tug of…pride? He almost had an urge to go and meet her halfway but she was already there, beside him.

She looked at him and her eyes were very big, cheeks a little pink. Mouth looking even plumper than usual and slightly glossy. The expression on her face was somewhere between wary and serious. Something he really wasn’t used to. It unsettled him a little because he’d got so used to dealing with women trying to charm their way into his life. And bed.

She’s marrying you , reminded a little voice. Charm isn’t required here, on either side. And yet, as Cassian tore his gaze from Lili to look at the priest, he found that he almost regretted that fact.

* * *

After speaking words she couldn’t recall, Lili and Cassian emerged back into the sunshine. Her cheek burned where he’d placed his mouth in a dry kiss. When they’d faced each other at the altar, Cassian had bent his head towards her and she’d been struck with vying desires—to pull back and to reach up and press her mouth to his. Terrifying.

In the end she’d offered her cheek and had pulled away quickly. And by holding on to her bouquet with a death grip she’d managed to avoid touching hands.

She reassured herself now that no one would have expected a sham of a kiss. She wasn’t even sure why he’d looked as if he was going to kiss her. But the fact that she’d even wanted to know what it might feel like…still made her feel a little wobbly and very exposed.

He drove the buggy back to the villa, the guests following behind. Lili still clutched the bouquet. When he came to a stop outside the main entrance he jumped out and Lili managed to absorb fully what he was wearing for the first time. It had been so overwhelming stepping into the small ornate chapel and facing the reality of setting this whole thing in motion that she’d focused mainly on his face.

She could see now that he was wearing a three-piece suit in steel-grey with a white shirt and grey waistcoat. A slim matching tie. A cream flower attached to a buttonhole matching the flowers in her bouquet. A whimsical touch that impacted her somewhere vulnerable.

Why go to that trouble?

The official pictures . It occurred to her just as he held out his hand to help her out of the buggy and said, ‘The photographer is waiting to take our photos.’

Lili ignored his hand, saying, ‘I can manage, thanks,’ and used a handhold to help herself out of the buggy.

She didn’t look at him for fear of seeing something on his face. They walked around to the side of the villa where a photographer was waiting with an assistant and a young woman in a suit who introduced herself to Lili as Cassian’s PR manager. She was blonde and efficient.

They stood close together and were directed to look this way and that and then Silvia, the PR manager said, ‘These are all great, but can we get one with you holding hands now?’

Lili tensed. Her skin was hot all over to be standing so close to Cassian and it wasn’t entirely from the discomfort of his proximity. How could she say no, though?

She moved the bouquet from her two-handed grip to her right hand and Cassian took her left hand in his. Immediately Lili wanted to pull away but she forced herself to let him hold it, letting the fact that it felt cool distract her.

Cool, and large, fingers wrapping around hers.

‘Now, can you look at each other please?’

Lili turned and looked up to find Cassian staring down at her. His beard was neatly trimmed, hugging his jaw. His lower lip looked hard, but soft.

‘That’s lovely, thank you, now can we get a kiss?’

Cassian must have seen something on Lili’s face because he said, ‘I think that’s enough for now, Silvia. We’ll use one of these ones.’

‘ Bene , okay guys, you can wrap it up.’

Cassian moved so that he was in front of Lili blocking the PR team. He was still holding her hand and she could feel her pulse thundering from a mix of fear and excitement.

He held up their hands and said, ‘You don’t like this, do you?’

Her mouth went dry. She shook her head jerkily, ‘I…not really, no. I’m not very tactile.’

His grey gaze was narrowed on her face, his eyes even more silvery because of his suit. ‘Is it just me? Because I could have sworn that you can feel it too.’

‘Feel what?’

Cassian’s thumb moved so that it sat over her pulse point at her wrist. He said, ‘That.’

Lili swallowed. He wasn’t wrong, but he had no idea it was also fear. Not of him, but fear from the past from the sense of being powerless and at the mercy of threatening men.

She pulled her hand away and put it behind her back. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

There was the sound of a throat clearing nearby and Lili saw Eloisa. She said, ‘The wedding lunch is ready.’

‘Grazie, Eloisa,’ Cassian said.

Before they went inside Lili asked, ‘The photos, where will they appear?’

‘Some of the papers, and the magazines will likely pick them up too.’

Lili bit her lip. She hadn’t really considered that. She imagined her family seeing the photos but reassured herself that they would probably refuse to acknowledge it was actually her. But it was ironic because she’d now married into exactly the level of society that her father had always sought validation and acceptance from. The fact that Lili had done something he’d never managed felt like a very hollow victory. She’d never wanted to better her parents, she’d just wanted their love.

Cassian stood aside to let Lili precede him into the villa but she could feel his eyes boring into her back the whole way as if he was privy to her thoughts. She really hoped he wasn’t. She hadn’t deceived him—she was legally Lili Spirenze but that was the name she’d taken in a bid to distance herself from her family. She reassured herself now, there was no way that the world of Antonio Bagiotti would intersect with Cassian Corti. He moved in circles far removed from her parents.

The wedding lunch was being held in one of the formal dining rooms. Parquet flooring and frescoes on the walls and ceilings with gold trim made it one of the more opulent rooms.

The windows were open to let the breeze through and Cassian and Lili sat at the top of the table with their dozen or so guests—well, Cassian’s guests—on either side of the table.

At one point Lili said sotto voce to Cassian, ‘You didn’t need to go to all of this trouble, it’s not as if anyone here thinks this is a real wedding.’

‘It’s as real as any other wedding. We’re just not deluding ourselves that it’s built on anything more than practicality and good judgement. If more weddings were like this then the world might be a better place.’

Lili looked at him. ‘Your parents were happy though, no?’

He blinked and Lili noticed that he had very long lashes. They didn’t prettify his face though, the lines were too stark and hard for that.

‘Yes, they were. Very much so.’

Lili turned to face him more. ‘Well then, how can you say what you just did?’

He looked at her and she sucked in a breath at the flat look in his eyes. ‘Because ultimately it didn’t save them and having witnessed that love only to lose it forever was the cruellest blow. I would never want to put a child through that again.’

Lili bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry.’ Maybe he was right. In some ways it had been easy to break with her family because there was no love lost. She had no memory of what that must feel like. She only knew that she’d know it when she had a child of her own.

He shrugged. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for. What we’re doing is perfect. We will be giving our child a solid foundation of security and respect. They won’t grow up believing in a myth only to have it torn from them.’

Someone on Cassian’s right-hand side spoke to him then and she absorbed that. But what had seemed like such a brilliant idea two weeks ago suddenly felt a little…flawed. She could promise to love their child enough for two parents but how would they fare once they knew that their father intended to keep them at arm’s length?

Was she going to inevitably end up doing to her own child what had been done to her, with an indifferent parent?

Although…as she studied Cassian’s profile now—he didn’t seem like the type to be indifferent. And she could understand his reasons for wanting to be. But maybe even he was underestimating the effect of actually having a child. Lili couldn’t get an incendiary image out of her head, of Cassian with a small child with dark hair out in the gardens of the villa, running around and playing…throwing the child high in the air, making them squeal with joy…

She shook her head at herself. That was precisely the problem. He’d known that joy here already and he wasn’t prepared to risk it again for fear of losing it. It would be her in that fantasy, not her husband, and she would have to come to terms with that because it was her reality now.

* * *

The following morning Lili found Cassian already dressed and sitting at the breakfast table, reading a newspaper. He was wearing a navy polo shirt and she couldn’t see under the table but she didn’t have to to imagine he would look good in whatever he was wearing. Tall and vital. Lean.

He looked up and then down, and her cheeks got warm with self-consciousness. She had skipped over the new clothes in the dressing room this morning, weakly pulling out a familiar loose dress and cardigan. As if it was some kind of armour against the massive changes she’d instigated.

She couldn’t help wondering though, if theirs had been a traditional wedding and she didn’t have her issues, would they still be in bed right now?

In spite of choosing a wedding dress that would be easy to remove on her own, Lili had found herself contorting into ridiculous shapes to get out of it and all night she’d had lurid dreams of Cassian peeling it slowly from her body, uncovering her skin inch by inch and dropping his mouth to kiss her exposed flesh. She’d woken hot and sweaty and frustrated and angry, because in her dreams she wasn’t held captive by her fears.

Not helpful Lili , when her newly minted husband was now standing and pulling out a chair. ‘Come in, have breakfast.’

She walked over to the table and slid into the chair. Cassian sat back down. He asked politely, ‘Good night’s sleep?’

Her cheeks felt even hotter. Could he read her mind?

She blurted out, ‘I’m sorry I disappeared yesterday evening. I didn’t mean to, but I got to the bedroom and I felt hot and sticky so I had a shower and then I laid down and…fell asleep.’

‘It’s no big deal, the guests weren’t expecting you to throw the bouquet or anything.’

‘I know but I should have been there to say goodbye.’

‘They all know it’s a business deal.’

For some reason that stung even though it shouldn’t. Had they looked at Lili and known that there was no way he’d ever choose a woman like her if he had a choice? And why was that bothering her now?

Then he said, ‘That fertility specialist you saw last week in Milan?’

Lili nodded. He had arranged for her to visit the consultant in Milan so they could do a general examination and check her fertility. Cassian had undergone similar checks in Rome.

‘She’s going to call me in an hour to talk with us. She’s got your results and mine, from my doctor in Rome. I thought this would be the most expeditious thing to do and then we can hopefully get started on the process.’

‘Okay.’ The doctor had told Lili last week that she didn’t foresee any big issues, her menstruation cycle was regular and she’d never—thankfully—had any issues with painful periods or the like.

She’d asked Lili about sexual partners though, so she knew Lili was a virgin. Her insides twisted now, she hoped she’d be spared the humiliation of revealing that to Cassian.

Cassian took a swig of coffee and stood up. ‘I have to make a couple of calls, come to my office in an hour?’

Lili nodded and sagged back into the chair when he was gone. The man made her feel about a million and one things at once. Fear—not that he would touch her or hurt her, but fear of how he made her feel when no one had managed to crack the impenetrable wall she’d put around herself for years.

And excitement which didn’t make sense. Excitement for what? Once they’d decided how best to proceed with the IVF, he’d be gone back to his life and Lili would be left here in peace. With nothing to do . Which was exactly what she’d wanted, wasn’t it? So why was the life that she’d so audaciously asked for suddenly looking a little…empty?!

* * *

‘Come in.’

Lili pushed open the office door and tried to embody more of a sense of being entitled but it felt very alien to her. Cassian was behind the desk, hair messy as if he’d been running his hands through it.

He looked up. ‘Come in, sit down, Dr Lombardo is going to call any—’ he broke off when his phone rang as if on cue. He put his cell phone on speaker and answered, telling the doctor that he was with his wife. That sent an illicit thrill through Lili.

Lili sat down and leaned towards the desk, greeting the doctor. After some pleasantries had been exchanged, the doctor—a no-nonsense warm woman that Lili had liked—said, ‘I have both of your results here and everything is showing me a healthy, fertile couple. Lili, your tests and the timing of your last period show that you should be ovulating around now, or very soon.’

Lili blushed at that intimate information. She did a quick mental calculation and figured the doctor would be correct. ‘Okay,’ she said, avoiding Cassian’s eye.

The doctor went on. ‘I know you want to go the IVF route and it’s not my business to ask why, but I can’t emphasise enough how much more beneficial it would be to try and conceive naturally. Not to mention infinitely cheaper. All of the signs are there to indicate that you have every chance of being successful and if it doesn’t happen then of course we can talk again.’

She continued after a moment, ‘You’re welcome to go to another fertility specialist if you don’t like to hear what I am saying, but when I have two young people come to me in perfect health and with no signs of having difficulty, I cannot in all conscience advise IVF. It can be an arduous process and time consuming. There is no guarantee of success even with all of your healthy indicators.’

She went on. ‘So what I am advising is that you talk about it for at least twenty-four hours, and then if you want to proceed with my clinic we can of course help you. But I have to let you know that right now, is an optimum time to conceive naturally.’

Lili reluctantly looked at Cassian. His eyes were dark grey. Unreadable. A strange twisting sensation was making her belly tight. And her skin prickle. He said, ‘Thank you, Doctor, for your time, we appreciate your advice and we’ll be in touch.’ He terminated the call.

Lili couldn’t sit still. Something was fluttering inside her, and she wasn’t sure if it was panic or that excitement. But it couldn’t be excitement because there was no way—she stood up from the chair and went over to the window, arms tight around herself.

‘Lili?’

She bit her lip and turned around. Cassian was leaning forward in his chair, hands loosely clasped between his legs.

He said carefully, ‘We don’t have to do as she is suggesting. We can continue with the plan.’

Guilt and shame knotted inside Lili’s chest. This was on her . ‘You heard what she said. It would obviously be better if we could do this…naturally.’

‘But that’s clearly a problem…you’re as white as a ghost.’ He stood up and came over to her but Lili instinctively backed away. He held up his hands. ‘I’m not going to touch you. But you look as if you’re about to faint, please, sit down.’

Lili went back over and sat down. She could feel her breath becoming shallower and forced herself to take deeper breaths. Cassian went over to a cabinet and poured a dark golden drink into a glass. He brought it over to her. ‘Whiskey, take a little, you’ll feel better.’

Lili took the glass and watched as he went back to the cabinet and poured himself a drink. He lifted his glass towards her and said, ‘Saluti.’

She faintly echoed his cheers and took a sip, wincing as the liquid burnt its way down her throat and into her chest. But he was right, it sent out a warm, comforting glow, immediately making her feel less on edge.

Now he went over to the window and looked at her. He said, ‘Can I ask you a direct question?’

Lili swallowed another gulp of whiskey and then nodded. ‘Okay.’

‘Do you find me attractive?’

Lili nearly choked even though she’d swallowed the drink. She felt like laughing and almost put a hand to her mouth to stop a slightly hysterical giggle coming out. When she felt she could speak she said, ‘You must know how attractive you are.’

His mouth quirked. ‘Flattering but not what I asked. I asked if you were attracted to me.’

Now Lili wanted to scowl. Instead she thought of the best way of defusing this line of conversation. She asked, ‘Are you attracted to me?’ Because of course he was going to say—

‘Yes, I am.’

Lili nearly dropped the glass from between her fingers and had to grip it. She stared at Cassian. ‘Did you just say…?’

‘That I find you attractive? Yes I did. Distractingly so. Ever since we met, I think, but more so since I saw you emerge from the pool that night. For some reason you are hiding the body of a bombshell under those shapeless clothes and the more I see them the more I want to put them on a bonfire.’

Now Lili felt agitated. She stood up and went behind the chair as if that could afford some kind of protection from what he was saying. A suspicion occurred to her. ‘You’re just saying that because you agree with the doctor and want to convince me that conceiving naturally will be quicker and easier.’

‘Believe me, if I didn’t want you, I would not sleep with you.’

Of course not. Because he probably had a mistress waiting for him in Milan. Or Rome. Or Paris. Lili shook her head. ‘Why are you saying this?’

‘Because I think the doctor is right, we’re both healthy and there shouldn’t be any reason why we can’t conceive naturally and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t try to when we both want each other.’

Lili’s mouth opened. She shut it again. Opened it. ‘How do you know I want you?’

Of course he does, jeered a voice, he’s vastly more experienced and every emotion you feel is written all over your face. She cringed. Was she that obvious?

‘I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to assume that you do, but I can feel it between us, like an electric current. And the way you look at me, as if you’re terrified I’ll eat you up but you’re equally terrified I won’t. Your pulse races if I come near you. It was racing when I put my finger on it after the wedding.’

Lili’s legs felt weak, she could remember how it had felt, his finger against her skin. A pulse throbbed between her legs and she clamped her thighs together. She did not want to think of how it might feel if he were to touch her there.

‘I’m not saying I don’t find you attractive, but—’ Lili faltered. How could she explain that they could never have normal relations?

‘But what?’

They were married now and it might not be a conventional marriage but he deserved to know some of why she couldn’t do this because the longer she prevaricated, the longer before they started the IVF and the doctor was right, it would take time and might not even work the first couple of rounds.

‘I have a problem.’

Cassian frowned. ‘What kind of problem.’

‘I don’t like to be touched.’ That sounded a bit meager. Lili clarified. ‘Well, what I mean is that I’m sort of phobic about it.’

* * *

Cassian looked at Lili, tense behind the chair. Face pale. Long hair falling around her shoulders, not as heavy as it had been. Silky. And as if things were slotting into place in his mind he recalled how she’d avoided shaking his hand that first morning. How she tensed if he came near. How she’d looked when she’d had no choice but to shake his solicitor’s hand or appear unconscionably rude. How she’d avoided kissing him on the mouth, presenting him with her cheek, in the chapel.

The shapeless clothes. Something occurred to him. ‘Did something happen to you?’

He saw her throat work. ‘Yes…you could say that.’

Cassian tensed inwardly. ‘Were you attacked?’

She went even paler. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it.’

Cassian almost couldn’t frame the question because it was so horrific but he had to know. ‘Were you…abused? Did someone—’

She shook her head, eyes huge. ‘No…that didn’t happen. But I went through something when I was sixteen and ever since then I’ve had this…fear. I’ve avoided being touched since then.’

To Cassian’s surprise, on hearing that he felt something almost protective rise up and an urge to fold her into his arms. She cut a lonely figure. As she had walking down the aisle. He pushed it down. No one got to him like that.

‘How does it manifest exactly?’

Lili took a breath. She’d never had to articulate it before, it had been her shameful secret. ‘I don’t like being crowded, or being too close to people. I don’t like shaking hands if I can help it. I don’t like the idea of anyone’s hands on me in any capacity.’

He put his glass down on the table and ran a hand through his hair. ‘Okay.’

‘Okay?’

He looked at her. ‘Do you think this is insurmountable?’

She bit her lip. He noticed she did that and it was fast becoming a little quirk that had the ability to send sizzling heat into his blood.

‘I’m not sure…it feels that way. The thought of…being intimate like that automatically makes me feel panicky. Claustrophobic.’

Cassian had never thought about it like that before but now he recognised that whenever he’d finished making love with a woman he always had the urge to get away as soon as possible for fear they’d want to cling to him. That had obviously only added to his love ’em and leave ’em playboy reputation. But he really hadn’t done it to be cruel.

Another thing was happening to him as he absorbed what Lili had just told him—the fact that knowing he couldn’t touch her was making him even hotter for her. He should be ashamed of himself. She’d shared this obviously very traumatic thing with him and all he could think about now was how much more he wanted to touch her because she’d told him he couldn’t.

He looked at his watch and said reluctantly, ‘I have a meeting at the Monza racetrack. I said I’d test drive a new car.’ An idea ocurred to him. They needed to get out of this villa. It was as if he could feel the walls and gardens encroaching on him, never mind on Lili who hadn’t strayed further than Como by all accounts.

‘Why don’t you come with me?’

She blinked at him. ‘Go with you to the racetrack?’

He nodded. ‘Why not? Have you ever been before?’

‘No.’

‘Well then, what else have you got going on?’

‘Nothing, I guess. But…don’t we need to talk about this?’

‘I’m not sure if talking about it right now is going to make all that much difference and I need to be there by a certain time. We can continue the conversation later?’

‘I…okay.’

He looked her up and down. ‘Can you change into something a little less…flowy? Maybe jeans? And a jacket?’

Cassian almost smiled. She looked as if she desperately wanted to say no but she knew she couldn’t. Eventually she seemed to huff out a breath and said, ‘I don’t really have a choice, do I?’

‘It’ll be fun, I promise.’