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CHAPTER ELEVEN

L ILI STOPPED. CASSIAN WALKED around to stand in front of her. She expected him to look angry but he looked confused.

‘Lili? What the hell was Adam talking about?’

She swallowed but couldn’t seem to make her mouth or tongue work. Ironic really, considering that she’d been about to reveal her beating heart to this man only moments ago.

Cassian was shaking his head. ‘That stuff he was talking about…you having another name…being kidnapped…’ He stopped and a light seemed to dawn in his eyes as he said almost to himself, ‘I remember that. It was about eight years ago…the daughter of some businessman in Rome was kidnapped for a few days…’

Lili wished she could fully appreciate the fact that her father had just been called some businessman.

Cassian looked at her. ‘Was that you?’

Lili had a brief fantasy of running out of the hotel and far away but Cassian was like a solid wall between her and freedom. A voice mocked her, since when have you felt free ? She knew when. The moment this man showed her how she could feel free again. A helpless sob of emotion was climbing up from her chest but she pushed it back down.

Miserably, she nodded.

Cassian’s eyes went wide. ‘What the hell, Lili? Is that even your name? What did he call you? Lara?’

There was noise from behind them, a sound of rushing, a voice. ‘That’s her there! Lara Bagiotti, the kidnap heiress! Married to Cassian Corti!’

Cassian looked over Lili’s head and cursed. He took her arm in his hand and walked them out of the hotel. Lili’s dress swirled around her legs but she was barely aware. Somehow, miraculously, Cassian’s car appeared in front of them and they were in it and he was driving away at speed.

And then, within minutes, Lili was back in the apartment and Cassian was pulling off his bow-tie and undoing a button on his shirt. His jacket was gone. Her head hurt. She sank down into a chair.

Cassian was pacing back and forth. He stopped and put his hands on his hips and said, ‘Explain.’

Where to start ? Cassian started for her. ‘Is your name even Lili?’ He cursed. ‘Are we legally married?’

Lili forced herself to stand. ‘Yes, and yes. I was baptised Lara Bagiotti but I changed my name legally to Lili Spirenze when I left home.’

‘Why?’

‘To put distance between me and my family.’

‘And that was you? The girl…the heiress who was kidnapped?’

She nodded and swallowed. ‘Yes, that was me. That’s why… I have issues with being touched…or in crowds.’

Cassian was shaking his head. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this?’

‘Because I find it painful to talk about. I prefer to forget about it.’

He made a scathing sound. ‘Seems like that was going really well for you.’

Lili’s chest hurt. She couldn’t blame Cassian for reacting like this. It was a lot to take in. But she wanted to assure him of one thing at least. ‘We are legally married, I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not.’

‘Aren’t you?’

That winded her. As did the way Cassian was looking at her. As if she was a stranger. A cold breeze skated over her skin even though it was unseasonably warm for late spring. The lack of emotion was far too painfully reminiscent of her parents.

‘I admit that I was hiding, or taking refuge, but I wasn’t pretending to be someone else. This is me.’

‘You should have told me as soon as you knew we would be married. This is going to be all over the press tomorrow. If not already.’

Lili put a hand to her head and sat down again. She looked at him, insides twisting. ‘I’m sorry about that…but there’s no illegality here. Or scandal, really. I’m just the girl who was kidnapped and who changed her name.’

‘And cut herself off from her family. Do they even know you’re married?’

She shook her head. ‘Not unless they’ve seen it in the press. I haven’t been in touch with them since I left home.’

‘What on earth did they do that was so bad?’

They pledged to love and support me and they didn’t. Lili couldn’t figure out a way of saying that without sounding whiny. She was agitated now. She stood up and paced back and forth. She stopped. ‘It’s hard to talk about…they weren’t…supportive.’

‘They saved you from the kidnappers!’

Lili shook her head. ‘No, they didn’t. I did that. I saved myself.’

Cassian frowned. ‘What? How?’

A slew of images came into her head, and the memory of dank dark spaces. Big hands, smelly men. Rough voices.

Suddenly Cassian asked, ‘Did they touch you?’

Lili thought of being passed around, manhandled, pushed down, pulled up. She shuddered but then saw Cassian’s expression and said, ‘No. I told you already…they didn’t do anything to me like that. They were just rough…careless. And they said things…about what they’d do.’

* * *

Cassian’s brain blanked for a second at the thought of big brutish men pushing a young defenceless Lili around. Saying disgusting things. There was a maelstrom inside him. He was in shock and he recognised he was also angry and…hurt? that she hadn’t confided in him before now. This was huge.

Earlier this evening, not that long ago, she’d been looking up at him and he’d been drowning in her eyes, and for a moment he’d felt such a strong and profound connection that—he shook his head. She’d deceived him. Badly. He’d taken her at face value when he hadn’t done that with a woman, ever. And now he was paying for it.

‘How did you get away then?’

He saw Lili’s— Lara’s— throat work as she swallowed and he had to clamp down on his body’s helpless response. Even now when there was enough tension between them to cut with a knife.

‘They’d taken me to an industrial site on the outskirts of Rome. They were hired by a man my father had bested in a business deal. He wanted to punish him. Make him pay. Literally. They’d left me in a room but it wasn’t totally secure. There was another door leading into connecting offices hidden behind a tall filing cabinet.’

Cassian said nothing, just folded his arms.

She went on. ‘I managed to get out without them noticing and found one of the cars outside. The keys were in the ignition. I guess they weren’t that bright. I drove to the nearest police station and they brought me home. My parents were having a dinner party.’

‘While you were kidnapped?’

She nodded. ‘They’d told people that they had to be seen to be continuing as normal not to let the kidnappers win.’

‘So they didn’t pay your ransom…what was it again?’

‘A million euros, and no, they didn’t. But they let everyone believe they had.’

Cassian felt a burst of anger on her behalf. No wonder she’d walked away. What awful people.

‘There’s something else,’ she said now, her hands twisting in front of her. ‘Something that explains why they were so…cold.’

‘What?’

‘They had trouble conceiving at first so I was adopted. But my mother especially, she never really…connected with me. But then they tried IVF, when I was about two, and it worked. They got pregnant and had twins, my brothers.’

Cassian absorbed this. ‘What about your biological parents?’

Lili shrugged and avoided his eye. He saw something in her expression that caught at him inside where it shouldn’t. She looked…ashamed.

Then she did look at him and the expression was gone and replaced with one of almost defiance. ‘I’ve never pursued tracking them down because they chose to let me go. Clearly they’re not interested.’

Cassian knew that under any other circumstances with anyone else he would of course refute this but it was Lili and he’d just found out the woman he thought he knew… wasn’t.

There was the sound of cars beeping from the streets below. The sound seemed to break him out of a trance. He looked at Lili. How had this woman assumed such an importance in his life that he was standing in front of her and feeling so many things at once that he couldn’t begin to pick them apart?

He had a memory flash back to that day in his office in the villa when he’d told her they would marry. She’d been so shy, shapeless. She’d promised him that he would barely even notice a ripple of change in his life and yet here he was now and the terrain looked vastly different to anything he’d ever known before.

And the only thing he could think of right now was to cling to what he knew. He shoved down the roiling emotions and the ever-present desire. He said, ‘I have a race this weekend. I can’t think about this now.’

Lili looked tortured, her face pale. ‘I know, I’m so sorry that you had to find out like this.’

‘Were you ever going to tell me?’

She blinked. ‘I know I should have. But I think when things changed between us…became physical… I started to change too and you’ve shown me that I can feel…normal again. And I liked that. I didn’t want to go back to the past.’

Cassian could empathise and he hated that. He wanted to take Lili by the arms and tell her that of course she was normal, and what even was that anyway? He also wanted to haul her into his body and kiss her until all of this receded far into the background. But there was another part of himself that was dominating those warring impulses.

The part of himself that had been formed the day of the accident when the worst thing in the world happened. When he’d learnt that you couldn’t count on anything, or anyone.

The part of himself that he had to call on now. Reactivate. So he could survive this and walk away from the emotion shimmering in Lili’s eyes.

She said now, ‘Cass, earlier, I almost said something to you but that was when the man came and—’

He put up a hand. He had no idea what she was going to say but he knew with every fibre of his being that he couldn’t allow her to say it. Because it would threaten everything that had held him together since he was a boy.

‘No. I don’t want to know.’

She lifted her chin. ‘I think you should know that I—’

‘ I think,’ Cassian interrupted her with the very unfamiliar feeling of panic gripping his gut, ‘I think that you should go back to the villa. Clearly things have escalated in a way that neither of us expected but we have done what the doctor advised—’ He stalled here, his mind suddenly full of very unhelpful X-rated images of Lili touching herself and then sitting astride him and taking him into her body.

He went on, ‘And so, you might already be pregnant. And if you’re not, we will revert to the original plan of using IVF.’

Lili’s face was leached of all colour. ‘You think I should go back to the villa, take a pregnancy test and if I’m not pregnant, try to get pregnant using IVF.’

‘Yes. That is what you promised me at the very start of all of this. A marriage of convenience and an heir.’

‘I know I did…but that was before. I had no idea…that I would fall for you, Cass.’ She went on, speaking quickly as if afraid he’d try to stop her again. Cassian was too stunned. Winded.

‘That’s what I was going to say earlier, that I thought I was falling for you, but I know now that it’s too late. I’m already in love with you.’

‘Not to mention,’ she went on, ‘the fact that the chemistry between us doesn’t seem to be getting less. It’s stronger now than ever. You know more than me how these things work but even I can tell it should be going the other way.’

* * *

Lili held her breath. Cassian was looking at her with no discernible expression on his face. As if he’d been turned to stone. She’d never told anyone in her life that she loved them. She’d loved her parents until it had become clear that they held no such feelings for her. She’d always vowed that she would never love again unless she could be certain she’d be loved back.

She’d thought the safest way to achieve that would be with a child of her own. She hadn’t counted on Cassian. But what was becoming very clear right now was that what she felt wasn’t remotely reciprocated.

She could feel herself curling inwards as if to protect from a blow.

Then he spoke. ‘I have a race to focus on. You can stay here until you return to Como. I’ll have someone get in touch to help you organise travel. I’ll stay somewhere else.’

He turned to go and Lili couldn’t help saying, ‘That’s it?’

He turned back to face her. ‘That’s it.’

Then he turned again and he was gone. The door closing incongruously softly behind him.

Lili breathed out shakily. After a few minutes she heard the low throttle of an engine. Cassian, getting away from here, from her, as fast as possible.

And yet she didn’t regret telling him she loved him. She couldn’t have contained it, once it beat within her.

But what killed her most was that she’d learnt nothing—after being comprehensively rejected by two sets of parents, at the first opportunity she’d sought out the same experience. After all those years of protecting herself.

That’s only because you cut yourself off from the world, pointed out a little voice. That made her feel sicker. If anything this just proved that on some very fundamental level, she was unlovable.

Maybe even a child wouldn’t love her. Panic gripped her and she went into the bedroom and scrabbled through clothes until she found what she was looking for. The early pregnancy test.

She ripped open the packaging. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe she could somehow go back to the life she’d been living before Cassian had opened up her world. And her heart.

Lili went into the bathroom and hiked up her dress and did what was required to do the test. Then she sat on the closed toilet lid for a long few minutes.

When she picked up the test again and registered what was on it she swayed, feeling dizzy. It was too late. She stood up and kicked off the strappy sandals.

She went into the apartment and through the French doors to the terrace needing to get some air to her head. The lights of Monte Carlo twinkled at her benignly as if she wasn’t experiencing a personal earthquake.

She knew that even if she hadn’t just discovered she was pregnant, she couldn’t go back to her old life, hiding from the world. Cassian had changed her. She’d changed herself. She could only go forward. And she could choose to take Cassian at his word, or she could do the scariest thing she’d ever done in her life, and that included surviving the kidnapping.

She could ask to be loved.

* * *

Lili hadn’t returned to Como. Cassian knew because one of his assistants had told him that she’d politely refused assistance to return, saying she was staying in Monte Carlo for the weekend.

He was waiting to get on the track to qualify for the race the following day. This part of the race weekend was almost as important as the race. This is when he secured his pole position, which would ensure his success in the race.

He’d never not got pole position, or close to it. He could do this in his sleep. Which was good, because Lili’s words were echoing in his head on a loop. I’m already in love with you I’m already in love with you I’m already in love with you.

‘Cass?’

The voice in his ear. ‘Yes.’

‘Ready.’

‘Okay.’ Cassian brutally excised everything from his mind and went out onto the track.

* * *

Lili was wearing soft comfy leisure wear and curled up on a couch in the apartment watching the TV. She had a throw wrapped around her shoulders. She was aware she was reverting back to some form of shapeless comfort wear but she didn’t care. Right now she needed all the comfort she could get.

She was watching Cassian on the screen and could also hear the roar of the car far below in the streets. Surround sound.

The commentators were saying things like: So far so good, Corti is not disappointing us today, putting in his usual level of performance—

But then suddenly something happened and the car spun wildly on the track and bounced off the hoarding at the side, coming to a stop facing the wrong direction.

‘Ouch.’

Lili looked at Marcel who had come into the room to watch the TV too. She hadn’t even realised she’d stood up in agitation. ‘What is it? Is he okay?’ Panic gripped her insides, her legs felt suspiciously wobbly.

But Marcel pointed to the screen. ‘He’s fine, but he’s angry.’

Lili looked and could see Cassian pulling off his helmet. Every line in his body radiated anger.

‘What does this mean?’ she asked the housekeeper.

‘It means that Cassian will be having the worst start to a race in his career.’

Lili sat back down, guilt spreading through her body. This was her fault. She’d distracted him. It was all over the press today about her identity and who she’d been. The infamous kidnap heiress. They’d dredged up all those awful pictures of her looking like a rabbit in the headlights. Too plain, too big. She hadn’t fit the narrative people wanted of a damsel in distress and so people hadn’t really known what to do with her. And so when the time had come, it had been easy for her to leave and take another name and become anonymous.

But she wasn’t anonymous anymore. And she could never go back to that.

Race day

‘Corti! How are you feeling about starting at the back of the grid?’

‘Is the car going to be ready for the race?’

‘Is it your injury? Did you come back too soon?’

‘Is your recent marriage the reason for your poor form?

Cassian stopped in his tracks. He turned to the press pack who all saw his face and took a step back. ‘Who said that?’

A nervous-looking young man put up a hand. He was holding a microphone with his other one. Cassian went up to the barrier separating the press from the drivers in the paddock area.

He glared at the young man. ‘My recent marriage has nothing to do with anything.’ Liar.

He turned and stalked off, ignoring the pack calling out more questions. Cassian knew it would be very easy to blame Lili for his near crash yesterday. And it would feel satisfying to lay it all at her door. Along with everything else. The fact that the marriage had veered so wildly off course. The fact that he couldn’t seem to slot back into the life he’d taken for granted forever.

And yet, he knew better than anyone that his life had become tedious. The past few weeks he’d felt more alive and energised than he could recall feeling since he was a young man, hurling himself at the world and hoping that somehow the pain would go away. The pain of grief and loneliness.

That insane busyness had worked for a while. But then it hadn’t. And then…there’d been her. Stepping out of that pool in a white swimsuit. Fusing his brain. Rewiring it. Setting him on a different path.

Dio .

Cassian got to the pit garage and pulled out his phone and made a quick call. When he heard the answer his mouth firmed. She was still here. In Monte Carlo. She hadn’t left. She hadn’t gone back to the villa where she’d originally promised she’d stay. I want peace and security. Now he knew why. He hadn’t even really allowed himself to think of the kidnapping and what it must have been like for her. He couldn’t think of it. It was too much.

‘Cass?’

He looked at Ricardo, his good friend. Family . Something inside him seemed to break apart. A wall he’d been desperately holding together. His old friend—the closest thing he’d had to a father figure—just nodded at him as if he understood everything in Cassian’s head before he did himself.

And suddenly, he knew. He knew that even though he was about to get into a car made mostly out of carbon fibre and go at impossible speeds on an insanely dangerous circuit, that there was nothing brave about what he was doing. He’d been a coward for a long time while hiding behind the smokescreen of being fearless. Reckless.

Lili was brave. She was braver than he could ever be. He could let that defeat him before he even started, or he could take her bravery and hope that it might give him the strength he needed right now to do what had to be done.

* * *

Lili was pacing back and forth in the apartment. The race was at lap twenty—one of seventy-eight. She’d always thought races lasted just a few minutes. This would last for over an hour.

Cassian had somehow, completely improbably started to pass cars on one of the tightest circuits of the world, and get to a position at about halfway down the pack in the race. Which, according to the commentators was next to impossible after starting at the very back.

Lili looked at Marcel. ‘I can’t stay here, I have to go down there.’

‘Of course.’

Lili started to hunt for shoes and Marcel pointed out, ‘Maybe you should change?’

Lili looked at herself and realised she was still in the same sweatpants and top as the day before. ‘Oh, right, yes, maybe.’

‘I’ll have a car waiting for you.’

Lili washed herself in record time and changed into jeans, a T-shirt and a light leather jacket. Sneakers.

Marcel brought her to the entrance for the teams and when they weren’t going to let her in because she didn’t have the security passes, he said something sharp in French and suddenly they were letting her in. She tried to ignore her trepidation at the prospect of Cassian seeing her but she couldn’t ignore the impulse to come.

Ricardo caught sight of her from the pit garage and waved her over. She took a seat and watched with the rest of the team as Cassian slowly but surely overtook more and more cars on each lap to get ever closer to the front.

It was tense. He came in for a pit stop but wouldn’t have noticed Lili which she was grateful for. Then he was gone again.

The crew roared when Cassian overtook the number two driver. Now there was only one car between him and the front. She could hear one of the team say out loud, ‘This is nuts . Hardly anyone has ever come from the back to win a race.’

And then Cassian was doing it. He was overtaking the top driver. At that moment he roared past the pit garage on the track outside and everyone rushed out of the garage to go close to the track behind a barrier.

There was one more lap. Cassian stayed in front. And he won the race. Ricardo came over, beaming and pulled Lili into a bear hug and kissed her on the cheek. She barely even noticed. ‘This is good?’

‘It is amazing, Signora Corti. Amazing. Come.’ He took her by the hand and led her out to where the crew were all behind a barrier. Cassian was coming in. Jumping out of the car, helmet still on, he threw himself at the team, hugging them and they slapped at his helmet.

Ricardo let go of Lili’s hand and she let him go to the front. She hung back. Cassian took off his helmet and Lili could see the sweat on his face. His hair was flattened and messy. She’d never seen anyone more beautiful.

Things happened at warp speed. A camera crew appeared and he was being interviewed. The other two drivers who’d come second and third were behind him.

Lili found herself being jostled in amongst the crew even though she’d prefer to hang back. She didn’t want to ruin this moment for Cassian. But his gaze swivelled to the crowd around her and suddenly stopped, dead on her. His mouth was still open but no words were coming out.

Lili gulped.

* * *

She was here. She is here. Cassian looked at Lili standing amongst his crew and teammates and felt something inside him dissolve and turn molten. It was the last bastion of defence he’d been clinging onto. He was, in this moment, the most raw, naked and vulnerable he’d ever been. But he’d also never felt stronger and more hopeful. It rose up within him, an unstoppable tide washing away the past and his fears and he embraced it like a drowning man finding a buoy.

‘Signore Corti—that was an amazing achievement, I think we all want to know, what were you thinking about to get such a showstopping result?’

Without taking his eyes off Lili and with his voice reverberating around the winner’s enclosure he said, ‘I was thinking about my wife and her bravery and how she humbles me because I’m not brave at all. I’ve been pretending to be brave all this time but really, I’m just a fraud.’

The interviewer clearly hadn’t expected this answer and while he was gaping with mouth open, Cassian went over to the barrier behind which all of his team were and he reached for Lili who came to him, eyes wide, face pale. Clearly unsure.

He put his hands on her waist and said, ‘Put your hands on my shoulders.’

She did, and he easily lifted her over the barrier. He let her down slowly, relishing the feel of her body against his. ‘I thought I told you to go back to Lake Como.’

She shook her head. ‘I couldn’t leave.’

He lifted a hand and trailed his knuckles down along her cheek to her jaw. ‘Good, I’m glad you didn’t. And I meant what I just said, you’re brave, Lili. And I’m sorry for how I reacted…’ He took a deep breath in. ‘It was just a lot to take in, but I do want to talk to you about it, okay?’

She swallowed. ‘About what exactly?’

‘About everything that happened to you and what you’ve been through.’

‘Oh. And what about…the other stuff?’

He raised a brow. ‘The stuff where you told me you loved me?’

She nodded, her eyes flashing a little bit, some colour coming into her cheeks. Cassian exulted inside. ‘There’s not much to talk about there because you see, I love you too and I think I fell in love with you when you walked out of the swimming pool like a sea nymph. That’s when you stole my heart and terrified the life out of me. I tried to convince myself it was all just physical and it would fade but you were right, it’s only getting stronger.’

He went on, ‘It does terrify me, the thought of loving you and the risk of something happening again but I’m willing to take that risk if you are.’

Lili’s eyes were looking suspiciously bright. She said, ‘I love you, Cass. You brought me back to life. I’ll happily risk the rest of my life for you.’

He shook his head. ‘No, you brought yourself back to life, Lili. Don’t ever forget that. You’re strong and you are loved.’

She reached up and pressed her mouth to his and he could feel her trembling and Cassian relished the feel of her under his arms and her mouth under his and sent up thanks to all and any of the gods for giving him another chance.

* * *

It was only when they eventually broke the kiss that Lili became aware of the silent crowd around them. And then a whispered murmuring started up. Jostling. The interviewer cleared his throat. ‘Um, Signore Corti?’

Cassian tugged her back over to the microphone with him. He said, ‘I do have an announcement to make actually.’

Lili was clamped to his side and she wasn’t going anywhere. Her heart was beating fast. She wasn’t sure if she’d dreamt those last few moments. But Cassian had her hand over his chest, over his heart and she could feel it thudding strongly under her palm.

Cassian said, very clearly, ‘I’m announcing my retirement as a driver, as of this race.’

There was a massive collective gasp not least from the direction of his team, but when Lili caught Ricardo’s eye, he just smiled. Not fazed. Clearly he’d known or he’d suspected.

There was a clamour of questions from other press nearby. Cassian held up a hand. ‘My only comment on this is that it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, it’s not a sudden decision. Our additional driver Roberto stepped in admirably while I was out recently and he’s young and full of talent and ambition, the team will not suffer, I’m sure of it.’

‘But, Signore Corti, you’ve just proven that you’re at the peak of your career! How can you walk away?’

He looked at Lili. ‘Because my priorities are different now.’ He looked back at the press. ‘I need to focus my attention on the Corti Group and as you all know I’m passionate about making racing more sustainable.’

Cassian left the journalists and photographers spluttering and he and the other drivers were brought over to the podium. He pressed another kiss to Lili’s mouth before he went up and she just managed to say, ‘Cass, are you sure you’re doing the right thing?’

He looked at her. ‘I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.’ He went up onto the podium and took centre position above the other two drivers. After the presentations they opened the magnums of champagne and sprayed them over each other. Lili couldn’t help a bubble of laughter and joy rising up.

He found her gaze, raised the bottle and took a big swig. Then after all the photos had been taken, he came back down with the bottle and said, ‘Want to join me?’

Flutters of nerves gripped Lili’s insides. She shook her head slowly and said, ‘I probably shouldn’t.’

Cassian went very still. He looked down at her belly and then back up. She nodded and smiled. He dropped the bottle onto the grass beside them, champagne fizzing out, unnoticed. He put his hands on her waist. ‘Are you sure?’

She nodded. ‘I did a test. I mean, it could be a false positive but I’m late.’

He pulled her into him and said emotionally, ‘Lili, you did it.’

She put her hands on his chest. ‘ We did it. We saved your inheritance.’

‘None of that means anything anymore, even if we hadn’t got pregnant, as long as I have you I could care less about any property.’

‘I’m glad it’ll still be yours.’

‘Ours,’ he corrected. And then, ‘I want a family there again, which is something I never thought I’d say. I was always too scared to hope I could recreate it without risking losing it all again.’

Lili put a hand to his cheek. ‘I know, my love. All we can do is move forward, dare to dream and live for each day.’

Cassian took her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm. ‘Then let’s start living right now.’

Lili grinned at him. ‘Yes, please.’

They left the pit area of the racing circuit, arms wrapped around each other and the following day that was the picture on the front of most newspapers with a headline: Corti finds true love and walks away on a high after winning the race of his life! Is he the luckiest man alive?

When Lili saw the headline she smiled, because she knew she was the luckiest woman alive.