Page 3 of Ruarc

Coming back to myself and this present moment, I start shaking.

Stopping, I lean my forehead against the cool hull of the Zenith.

My mind is recalling every cut, bruise, and broken bone that riddled her starved frame.

Thankfully, they now all seem to be healing slowly, but horror still haunts her eyes when she thinks I am not looking.

While her physical injuries are concerning, it is the emotional trauma that worries me most. Her skin, once a vibrant green, now shows the effects of prolonged abuse and starvation at the hands of those bugs.

I wish I could go back in time so I could enjoy slowly tearing them apart, piece by piece, as they begged her for mercy.

I was so deep in my mating fog that I did not even use my ‘evil gift’ from the Aynar to destroy the Velgriddix that tortured my princess.

I need to get hold of myself because my brain will not stop this constant back and forth, and it is driving me mad! One moment she is a spy, the next a victim, and now I am thinking of her as “my princess?” I cannot seem to understand all that happened to her or my role in it.

This was all easier after her rescue, especially when she relied on me to take care of her every need.

In those quiet times, I could lie close to her on the sleeping platform with my eyes closed and dream of the possibilities.

I will always secretly treasure those few moments of serenity that happened in the darkness.

She asked me to sleep next to her for several rotations because she said I chased the monsters away.

At that time, I could not go far because she needed my help with everything, from being fed to walking back and forth to the refreshing chamber, as she was too weak to do it herself.

I cannot help but smile to myself when I remember her requesting that I turn away and wait in the other room when she needed to use the elimination facilities.

She did not know that I had already seen everything the gods had blessed her with.

I am a horrible male because it actually upset me when she finally regained the strength to sit up on her own.

I knew the rest would follow quickly, and she would come to realize she did not need me anymore.

Still, when we were shut away from all the others, it reminded me of a peace I had not felt since I was a youngling.

Due to the extremely poor condition she was in, she slept a lot, which allowed me to enjoy her being all mine.

For that short time, she needed me as much as I did her, but like everything else, that did not last long.

Eventually, reality intruded. First was the rising Einar demanded that I allow him into my chambers to treat Kallen’s injuries.

They all thought I had neglected her, and to everyone’s disapproval, I promptly refused him entry.

Truth be told, what he nor anyone else knew was that I had waited until Einar and Slavic were both busy in other parts of the ship with the other females before breaking into the med lab.

Stealing several of the stem shots that Einar kept sealed and locked away may not prove me worthy of her, but she is still mine to care for, and so no locks were going to stop me.

As Kallen got stronger, we argued constantly about her need to talk to Slavic and the others.

But I refused to allow her to speak with them until she first told me what was so important.

Of course, she refused, saying I would not believe her …

and she was right. I have given her no reason to think otherwise.

The last time she asked to talk to the others, I got so angry I locked her in our room and walked the halls until the next rising.

I have fought against a lot of enemies in my life, but this battle against her is tearing my soul apart.

My body and heart crave her; this bond pulls me in her direction to the point I cannot be away from her long, but my mind whispers all the reasons why this is wrong.

Why am I wrong? My heart calls me a fool.

Lost in my own thoughts and crushing disappointments, I make my way to our room only for her to come in behind me moments later.

“Ruarc, you must take me planetside. I know you doubt my words; you all do, but I swear by the gods they were there. You three must have missed something. I must go, myself. If one of the scouts sees me, they will come out if they are hiding.”

“ You are not going anywhere! ”

“You do not own me, Ruarc. Frack, you do not even want me. So, I cannot see the issue here.”

“We have no idea what is on Deapra. You are safer here until we have more information.”

“What information? I have told you everything.”

“The frack you have! I saw the drag marks, Kallen. You were not the only one supposedly taken. How many others did you sacrifice so that you could live?”

The moment those words escape my mouth, I wish I could take them back. Tears gather in her amber eyes, and I see her memories consume her from the inside out. For a moment, I feel the horror she endured at the hands of those bugs before she cuts our bond. Shaking her head, she looks away from me.

“How dare you speak to me like that! I have done nothing to deserve the constant scorn I receive from you. Above all others in this universe Ruarc, you should value me the most, but you have made your opinion of me clear. I will not beg, and you will not listen. You are willing to forsake everything we have been blessed with because of your own foolish pride and the distrust you have for all others, and I have no way of convincing you that you are wrong. We will both suffer because of your denial, Ruarc. I hope when you finally see the errors of your ways, it is not too late.”

Before I can respond, she turns away.

“Slavic said he wanted to meet with all of us in the dining hall shortly.” Her words are so low I barely hear them.

She is out the door and gone before I can say anything else.

Closing my eyes, I reach out with my gift to stop her, but nothing happens.

Am I finally losing the horrid ability the Aynar gave me, or is this further proof she is my Starshine and immune to my control?

I believe my brothers cannot be controlled or manipulated by me because of our shared lifegivers DNA.

It is too much to think about now with everything else happening, so I will tuck it away for further evaluation.

I take a moment to settle my thoughts before heading to the dining hall. I need off this ship and away from her before her tears finally weaken me enough to react.