Page 20 of Ruarc

KALLEN

Catching movement out of the corner of my eye, I see Ruarc stand up.

He looks around, appearing lost in thought.

I catch myself just as I step toward him, fighting the urge to comfort him when I know he will never accept it.

The conversations continue all around me, but all I can see are his large shoulders slumped as he walks out of the room.

My hearts shudder, and I must lock my knees in order to prevent myself from collapsing.

Each moment I stand here, I feel myself growing weaker, and with that knowledge, I decide to end this one way or another.

Right now. Mam wanted me to wait, but I fear it has already been too long.

My neck itches, and I swear I can physically feel my collar shrinking.

Random pains make me wince as I quietly slip away from the crowd and all the well-wishers.

The moment I reach the long hall, I make my way to where mam showed me the gathered herbs.

Moving into the room, I send out a prayer that the gods will lead me safely down the path I have chosen, and I start gathering the necessary materials.

After double-checking the amounts, I grind everything together; my mind focused on following each step as memories replay in my head.

At the same time, I am constantly watching the doorway, hoping no one will realize I am gone and come looking for me.

Finally, I have them all ground up, and just as I start to mix them in the filtered water, I hesitate.

Should I do this? Now that I have the serum ready, my doubts begin.

Shaking off any lingering misgivings, I pour the water in, put the plunger into the vial, and slip it into the pocket of my wrap.

I walk out of the room before I can lose my nerve.

Now, I am left wondering where to go. I do not have the option of going outside because I have no knowledge of the code for the ramp.

I also cannot return to my room, as I do not want Atasha to find me if things go wrong.

My spirit would not rest easily if she were to find my lifeless body.

The sound of voices coming my way forces me to move further into the cave system, until it becomes so dark I can barely see my hand in front of my face.

Snarling in frustration, I turn back, checking each of the empty rooms until I finally find a lantern.

Lighting it quickly I look back out the door, making sure I am still alone before heading deeper into the cavern.

The further I go, the more the walls seem to be closing in on me.

Without warning, my feet hit water on the floor, and when I stop, the smell of fresh flowers fills the air.

Curious, I follow the small stream of water into a dark and damp room only to find an oasis that I am sure has kept itself hidden until now.

Setting the lantern down, I walk in further, staring up at the light beaming down through a crack in the ceiling high above.

Vines hang heavy from the walls, blooming in a variety of colors, their scent strong, yet soothing.

Steam rises from a large, overflowing pool in the middle, and as tempting as the water looks, I turn away, finding a dry area off to the side.

Sitting down on the ground, I take a deep breath as I attempt to quiet my mind.

I cannot believe I survived all that has happened to me thus far, only to find myself facing down death yet again, but this time possibly by my own hand.

Tears fill my eyes as my mind rolls around the what-ifs, or different choices I could have made that might have led me to happiness instead of this seemingly never-ending pit of despair.

I hated to lie to mam about the serum, but I knew she would have done everything in her power to stop me if she had known the truth.

I know I will not survive the severing of the mate bond in my condition.

If this had happened before the Velgriddix captured me, maybe …

but now my chances are slim to none, and I am so tired of fighting for life.

Not that I ever really had much of one. I have lost my entire family, most of my friends, and now even my mate.

I am tired of life and the struggle of trying to be what others need me to be. I can no longer bear it.

Steam rising from the water drifts through the air around me, quickly coating my skin, and I shiver as the damp heat sinks deep into my bones.

Closing my eyes, I grant myself a moment of peace in a life that has offered little of it, before pulling the vial out of my pocket and looking at the murky mixture through the glass.

Now that I have it in front of me, my hearts urge me to throw it away, but my mind insists that this is the only way to set him …

both of us free. Setting it in front of me, I lie down on the ground and just stare, not really seeing the beauty before me, as tears begin sliding freely down my cheeks.

Pain suddenly shoots through my body, and I curl up in a ball, trying to breathe through it as my hearts shudder in my chest. Panting and weak, I reach for the serum before I am too weak to use it, only for my arms to lie limp at my side, refusing to heed the commands my mind is screaming at them to fulfill.

Darkness invades the deepest recesses of my mind, and the next thing I know, I am standing over the top of a prone figure.

A tic later, I realize I am looking down at my own body.

Confused, I reach out only for my hands to pass right through it .

.. me. Am I dead? Glancing down, I see that my mate collar is barely visible on my pale green skin.

Each time I have felt it lighten, I have gotten weaker.

But the fact that I am standing here looking down at myself baffles me …

maybe this is a dream? A flickering light twinkles in front of me, and without hesitation, I turn to follow it.

My ghostly form passes through the solid rock walls as if they are not even there.

Following what I am calling ‘flicker’ in my mind, I walk past the sustenance area where the others are still dancing and enjoying themselves as the darkness commences.

Their laughter echoes down the halls, and I bask in their well-earned happiness as my spirit is led away.

None see my ghostly figure as I float by, heading to a location I have no knowledge of …

until I do. Abruptly, I find myself in the valley of the singing bells where Ruarc kissed me for the first time.

Flicker dances ahead of me, darting around quickly like she is suddenly excited about something.

I stop mid-step when I see Ruarc coming my way, only for him to walk right through me.

His eyes do not see me, but he senses something when he pauses and looks around before moving deeper into the valley, where the water flowing from the rocks overhead reflects the many colors of the flowers and the bright moons above, making it look alive.

Ruarc sits down on one of the low-hanging branches of the large timber holding the musical bells and leans forward, resting his head in his hands as his whole body trembles. Flicker makes a sorrowful sound as she flies in front of him, but he does not notice her.

Blinking, I find myself standing before him.

‘ Ruarc’, I whisper his name, but he does not acknowledge that I am here.

Reaching out, I try to wipe the tears off his cheeks, but my incorporeal fingers pass right over him.

I have no idea how much time passes as I stand here watching him, but his raw, emotional voice startles me in the silence of the valley around us.

“Kallen, I am sorry I could not be the male you deserved, no matter how much at this very moment I wish I were. The gods of Ruk must surely know I am a coward. Here I am, apologizing to the air, my voice carrying on the wind to nowhere simply because I cannot say this to you face-to-face.” The large timber he is resting upon that is guarding this valley moves in the wind, and I swear I see a smaller limb curl lovingly up behind Ruarc’s back.

The bells chime sorrowfully as they seem to be emulating his mood.

‘Ruarc?’ ... I whisper his name once again, but it appears he has no knowledge of me, even though I am only a breath away.

He is simply talking aloud, his soul heavy with the burdens he has always born alone.

If it were not for the misery stamped all over his face, I would think him talking to himself was quite funny, but the words spoken are laced with pain and torment.

“If there was any male other than me, I would march back in that compound and show you and the world that you are mine, and I know things would be wonderful for a moment in time.

Until you saw the real me, the one I hide from all.

How many times I wished I could tell someone …

anyone about the monster living inside of me, but if I did, you would believe that I somehow manipulated you and that your decisions were not your own, especially after I have pushed you away all this time.

At this point, there is no right direction forward or back. I have no path.

You would never believe that this control I have over others does not work on blood family, nor you, as I have done nothing to make you trust me.

Once I showed you its power, you would lock me up somewhere, terrified and possibly ashamed of what the Aynar did to me and how I could abuse it if crossed.

I know mam wants me to stay here to help her, and you grow this place into a home, but she would never deem me worthy if she only knew what the Aynar did to me in her womb.

And this would simply be one more thing she would blame herself for.

I bet in the long run … she would even question if she really wanted my help.

She would always be watching me to see if this power would lead to greed or, worse, complete control over the ones she has personally protected all along.

Then gods forbid I am captured! The power I hold is constantly slipping from my control, especially when I am stressed.

At those times, my thoughts seem to project without my intention, and then there would be no hiding it from our enemies.

When they saw the extent of what I could do, they would use it to destroy worlds.

The sad part is all they would have to do to keep me in line is take …

you … Atasha, mam … or any of my brothers.

And I can never allow that to happen; I will not willingly put you in harm’s way.

The only safe place for me is back on the Zenith, where I am in control, with few others ever being subjected to my thoughts.

Somewhere I do not have to be on guard all the time. ”

“Ruarc, I do not understand.”

“I swear Kallen, it feels like you are standing right here with me. My mind is a mess, but it is my hearts that weep from the pain I have caused you. In another life, our bond would have been a dream come true, but I know I have to stay on course. There is no way I will tarnish your perfection with my evil. I would rather you live without me than be put in harm’s way ever again.

You are my only real weakness. So, I must leave to protect you.

The gods know I have looked at every other option, but none end where I am gifted with you.

Now that I am here alone, with no reason to lie or pretend, I can easily tell the wind that I have always loved you. From the moment I saw you in that hover carriage as a youngling, you were the female I judged all others by.”

His words rip apart what little of my hearts still remain. Even though I do not understand what he fears inside himself, he feels strongly about the danger, and his stubbornness will not waver. Even though for the first time, I feel an inkling of his love through our bond.

Ruarc suddenly stands, patting the limb he was sitting on. “Thank you great timber, for listening when I had no one else to tell. Nevertheless, it is time for me to move on.”

Once again, he passes right through me as he walks away, and this time, I know he is not coming back, nor will I ever see him again. Flicker buzzes in front of me with a sorrowful sound, and I find myself back in my body.

Blinking, I push myself up slightly and look around, shocked to see Flicker with my own eyes as she hovers in front of me.

I reach my hand out slowly as she darts away, but not before I hear her words.

“The Gods have not forsaken you, child; they have heard your prayers and held you through the pain … all will be well … do not lose your faith now.”