Page 15 of Risk (Gods #3)

I ’m settled on the sofa with Lo sitting next to me. I’ve finally stopped crying. I’m just at the small hiccup stage while I try to calm my thoughts.

I’m pregnant.

Pregnant.

Nope. Doesn’t matter how many times I roll the word around in my head. It still sounds alien to me.

I have to give props to Lo—he’s been great. He held me while I bawled my eyes out. I mean, it wasn’t the first time he’d seen me cry or hugged me through a crying session.

But this was a total bawl-fest—I’m talking snot and choking on my tears, rambling nonsensical stuff about how my life was over, that my PhD was in the toilet, how I didn’t know how I was going to do this.

I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a clue as to what I was saying because I was blubbering while talking.

But like the good brother he is, he stayed quiet and let me ramble and cry and just held me and brought me tissues when I had snot dripping down my face.

I know for a fact that it grossed him out. I would have laughed at the expression on his face when he realized some of my snot was on his T-shirt, but I didn’t have an ounce of humor in me. Still don’t.

I just told him to change into one of my old, oversize Dartmouth tees that I usually wear to bed. It’s a little tight on him, but it’s better than him wearing the snot shirt.

I’ll wash it for him when I can get myself off the sofa. Which I can’t see happening anytime soon.

“Thanks for being here.” I lean my head on his shoulder.

“You know I’m always here for you—always. Even if you are a pain in my ass.”

“Back at ya, baby bro.”

He huffs at that, but doesn’t bite because he’s learned it gets him nowhere. He hates that I’m older than him by five minutes, so of course I use every chance I get to remind him of it.

We sit in silence for a few moments, my head still resting on his shoulder, and I can practically hear the question he wants to ask me. I don’t know if it’s a twin-telepathy thing or what, but I know he’s wondering who the father is.

He clears his throat. “So, Miss…who’s the father?”

And there it is.

Lifting my head from his shoulder, needing to see his face for this, I shift on the sofa, resting my back against the arm, and I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them.

He moves, too, turning to face me, bringing a leg up onto the cushion between us. He lays his arm across the back of the sofa. “I just didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” His voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it.

I swallow down. “I’m not.”

There’s no judgment in his eyes. There never is with Lo. He’s a live and let live kind of guy.

“It was just a onetime thing,” I say quietly.

“Okay.”

God, how do I say that it’s Kaden? I mean, I know I have to, but it’s just hard because this isn’t some random guy who Lo doesn’t know. This is our older brother’s best friend. A man Lo considers a friend.

“Is it that guy you brought to Zeus’s birthday party?” Lo asks.

“Aaron? No. He’s just a friend. I’m not his type.”

Lo looks confused—God love him.

“You’re more his type,” I clarify.

“Ah, gotcha.” He taps his fingers along the back of the sofa. “So…” he gently pushes.

I take in a deep breath, then say, “It’s Kaden.”

I see the surprise hit his face.

“Kaden? Scott? As in our Kaden Scott?”

Biting my lip, I nod.

“What? When? How?”

“The night Ares and Ari got married, we—”

Lo lifts a hand, cutting my words off. “Don’t. I really do not need to know the deets of my sister doing that.”

I roll my eyes. “I wasn’t going to tell you everything, just how—”

“Don’t need to know the how.”

“You asked!” I exclaim. “You said, ‘What? When? How?’” I mimic his deep voice.

“Yeah, well, I’m an idiot. You shouldn’t do everything I say.”

“You are an idiot,” I mumble. “But at least you didn’t get yourself knocked up. Not that you can get pregnant, but you know what I mean.”

“Didn’t you use…” He shifts uncomfortably.

“Protection? Yeah. I’m on the pill, and he used a condom.”

“No more. I beg you.” He puts his hands over his ears.

I drag one of his hands from off his ear. “Your sister has sex—get used to it—and if you don’t want the specifics, then stop asking me!”

“Fine. I won’t ask any more questions.”

“Good.”

We both go silent, just like we used to when we were kids and we were upset with each other.

“I just can’t believe you…and Kaden,” he mutters, breaking the silence. “Zeus is not going to fucking like this one bit.”

“Uh, you think?”

I feel physically sick at the thought of angering or disappointing Zeus or Ares. They’ve both done so much for me. Zeus and Ares basically raised Lo and me after our mom died. I would never want to hurt or upset either of them.

“Is it too soon to ask what you’re going to do…about the…you know…” He gestures to my stomach. “The baby?” he says in a voice softer than I’ve ever heard him use before, almost like he thinks the baby will be able to hear him.

I let out a sad sigh, pressing my cheek to my knee, looking across the room, seeing the reflection of myself in the black screen of the television. “I have no clue what I’m going to do.”

“You know I’ll support you, no matter what you decide, and so will Zeus and Ares.”

“I know,” I exhale. “It’s not that I didn’t want a baby ever. But I just figured I’d be in a committed relationship when it happened, and that would be after I had my PhD and was well established in my career, you know.”

“I know, sis. But you know that life doesn’t always go the way we expect it to.”

I know he’s referring to when we were younger, losing our mom to cancer and our dad being unable to cope with the loss of the love of his life and turning to alcohol as a way to cope, leaving us to fend for ourselves.

I lift my head and rub my hands over my face before wrapping them back around my legs. “I just…I’m not antiabortion or anything—a woman’s body, her rights—but the thought of…” I trail off. “I’m not sure if I could do that.”

“You don’t have to make any decisions right away. You have time. And abortion isn’t the only option if you decide to not keep the baby yourself.”

“Adoption?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know if I could do that, Lo.” I wrap my arms over my middle in a protective gesture that I don’t realize I’m even doing at first. “I couldn’t grow my child and then…give it away.”

I know it’s right for some people, but not me.

Hell, I have problems giving away my old clothes.

Not that I think adoption is akin to giving away an item of old clothing.

I just have a hard time parting with things.

So, parting with a baby that I’ve carried for nine months is just not something I could do.

I shake my head, sure of this one fact. “I can’t do the adoption thing. I wouldn’t be able to.”

“Good,” he says, and my eyes whip to him. “Of course, it would have been your choice, and you know I’ll support whatever you decide, but knowing my niece or nephew was out there, being raised by strangers, would have been hard.”

I reach out and squeeze his hand.

“Okay.” He blows out a breath. “So, that option is down and gone. That just leaves us with…abortion…”

Even as he says the word, I feel unease at the thought.

“Or keeping the baby.”

And the thought of that scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

“But…one thing you do have to do is tell Kaden, no matter what you decide. He has a right to know, Miss.”

I drop my forehead to my knees. “I know.”

If I decide to keep this baby or not, I do have to tell Kaden. I just…I want to make my decision before I tell him that I’m pregnant. I need to figure out for myself what I’m going to do before I drop this bomb on him and change his life forever.

And now, I feel sick again. This isn’t just my life that’s getting upended. It’s Kaden’s too. And it’s not like we’re exactly on good terms. The last time I saw him, I pretty much told him that I never wanted to see him again, and now…this.

God, this is an absolute mess.

Why did I have to have sex with him that night? Sure, it was off-the-charts, amazing sex, the best I’ve ever had, but it was not worth the stress that I’ve had ever since.

Jesus, I thought him ditching me that night was awful. It’s fucking nothing compared to this.

I’m pregnant.

Pregnant.

And now, I have to decide whether to have an abortion or have a baby, and whichever decision I make, my life will never ever be the same again.

But to make the decision, I’m going to need a little time.

The thought of having a baby is terrifying. The thought of having the responsibility for a whole other person feels beyond overwhelming. But the thought of aborting my baby doesn’t feel right either.

I just…I don’t know if I can have a baby. I don’t know if I’m ready.

I know I’ll have the support of my family if I decide to keep this baby.

But what if Kaden wants nothing to do with it…

us? No…I know him. He might not have wanted me…

but he wouldn’t disregard his child. Although I never thought he’d be the type of guy to hook up and disappear either.

I guess the only way to know is to tell him.

And the thought of that…I just can’t even form words to describe how scared I am of telling him that I’m carrying his baby.

But whatever decision I make, it won’t be based on his reaction to the news that I’m pregnant.

I’ll make this decision myself first, and then I’ll go and tell him that I’m pregnant and what I’m choosing to do. Then…I’ll go from there. I know I’m going to be okay because I’m a Kincaid, and like Zeus always taught me, we face our challenges in life head-on, and we succeed.