Page 14 of Resurrection
“He’s different. Doesn’t even look all the same. Max says it will take time for him to be like he was,” Sam said. “Memories scattered, a lifetime of puzzle pieces, I guess.”
A millennia of puzzle pieces then, Sei thought, since Gabe had been one of the oldest vampires still alive. “He doesn’t remember me?” What a startling thought that was. Gabe having been such a huge part of Sei’s life, only to have been such a small one for the vampire, that he’d been forgotten.
“Yes, no? Maybe? He said vampires don’t touch witches. Seemed to be remembering his sire…” Sam paused, then added, “and Max.”
“Max or Titus?” Sei asked. Maxwell Hart had been Gabe’s first love. In retrospect, Sei had learned that when Gabe had gone to ground, but never confronted the vampire about it.
“Titus,” Sam said.
The knot in Sei’s gut tightened.
“You know Max isn’t interested. He’s got that shifter fetish down tight. Doesn’t even mind the smell. Their blood has the taste of dog. I don’t know how it doesn’t bother him. The smell alone makes me gag most days.” Sam rambled, something he rarely did, but Sei tried to pay attention to his voice instead of the chaos of rising emotion. “Ronnie?”
“What?”
“You don’t have to be what you were before,” Sam said.
“I’m his Focus.”
“Which doesn’t have to be sex or romance, or more than just a partnership. A partnership with boundaries and rules.”
Sei sucked in a deep breath. He knew that a Focus didn’t have to mean romance, or even friendship. Vampires in the old days used to find the most powerful warriors and bind them just to gain power themselves. He’d spent the last decade and a half reading everything he could find on vampires and their lore. Some of it provided by Max, most of it buried deep in the bowels of the Dominion libraries. Witches were not encouraged to bind with vampires. But Gabe had been his first real love. Not his first relationship, or even first sexual partner, not by far, but real love. To think about being tied to him, and that emotion forever lost? Not possible. No matter how much it hurt.
And wasn’t that a terrible realization, that despite everything, the betrayal, the years alone, the self-doubt that any of it had been real, Sei still loved him. He didn’t even know if Gabe would ever be that person again. And still his heart stuttered at the memory of Gabe’s smile, or the way he held him.
He had cried a long time after Gabe had gone to ground. Never in front of his family. They didn’t need to see his weakness. Jamie had been uncharitable enough, wanting to destroy everything that had been Gabe’s. Sei didn’t have the tears anymore. Or at least was unwilling to release them.
“Ronnie?” Sam asked quietly.
“Fuck you,” Sei growled.
“You wish.”
“Not without serious brain reprogramming.” Sei sat very still, staring out the front of the car like it was fascinating. He knew the answer before he asked, but had to ask anyway, “Is there a way to break the Focus bond?”
“Other than true death? No,” Sam said. “And could you maybe wait until one of your kids is old enough to step in as Pillar before you jump off something high?”
Sei sighed heavily. “I wouldn’t do that.” Not that it would kill him anyway. His tie to the earth meant he lived until it was done with him. Since he was still nestled firmly in the strength of the Mother’s power, he doubted that would be any time soon.
He couldn’t imagine putting that burden on one of his kids. Or the grief of his death. He’d been thankful they were all too young to remember Gabe, and so they hadn’t had to think of him as dead, as Sei had. They simply didn’t know him at all, or as anything other than rare mentions in old stories. Better that way, it had to be, because it was all Sei could give them of the man who had abandoned him.
“Maybe you should have brought the fairy?” Sam said after another long stretch of silence.
“Kaine is having some issues. I think Bryar is dealing with that.”
“Not sure Bryar has the most objective ideas when it comes to child rearing.”
He didn’t. But Kaine was more fae than human, and Sei could only help with so much. It was a variance of magic as well as a lack of the physical mortality that Sei’s other kids had. Kaine created magic with thought, spells and wards were unnecessary. He lived and breathed magic, was created from magic itself. Sei understood the difference. He straddled those worlds himself. His ability as the Pillar of Earth meaning he didn’t need a lot more than intent. But that wasn’t how the rest of the world worked.
Witches used spells. The fact that Sei and Kaine didn’t, made them the quirky ones. Even Kelly who was the Pillar of Water, used spells, incantations, and wards. He had some unstructured magic, but the bulk of his abilities were directed by the symbolism they’d grown up learning.
“Bryar is very black and white,” Sei said. Much like fae in general, no matter the power level or branding, they were all a bit cold and very literal. He loved Kaine, but sometimes relating to him, or making him understand, felt like shoving the Taj Mahal through the eye of a needle. Impossible.
“I’m working on Kaine. He is trying. That’s all I can ask.” Sei almost added that Kaine was just a kid, as he was younger than the twins, but that wasn’t true either. Fae weren’t born as babies, not in the way humans were, or even witches who had longer lives. Time across the veil was completely different, which meant for all Seiran knew, Kaine could have lived a thousand years already.
They rode in silence a bit longer.
Sam sighed. “That golem is creepy.”