Page 176 of Remorseless

“Rebel said I should think about something other than the club as my life goal.”

“You have to do whatever makes you happy, but maybe if you pulled back and eased your way in, your brothers would, too, and Aunt Meggie wouldn’t be suffering so much.”

CJ narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing,” she responded in a small voice. “Forget I said anything.”

“I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I’m…it shocked me, that’s all.”

“It’s just a theory,” Mattie said cautiously. “But don’t you think Aunt Meggie wouldn’t be so, er,different, if…if, er, you each joined the club separately and stuck to the plan she and Uncle Christopher came up with?”

“Where I went to college and just delayed the inevitable?”

“It isn’t inevitable,” Mattie argued. “Youdon’thave to join.”

“Yes, I do! It’s the only life I know.”

“That isn’t true. You like football! We got into cheerleading becauseyouwere on the football team.”

“Matt, you just don’t understand. This school year is endless. One thing after the other has happened. Iwantedto experience college, but it isn’t possible. There’s no way I could balance a higher education and earning my patch.”

“You were supposed to do itafteryou got your degree. Like Diesel.”

CJ shrugged. “I want to follow in my dad’s footsteps. I can’t do both. I can’t lead a double life.”

“You can! You’re so smart. Youcando college stuffandclub stuff.”

He grinned, and she blushed, then giggled nervously.

“Rule wants to be a priest or whatever,” she continued, still determined to change his mind. “When Ryder is of legal age and able to enter the club, you’ll be twenty-three. Presumably graduated and about ready to patch in. Aunt Meggie will have hadyearsto adjust. Bam, bam, bam. Ryder, Ransom, and Axel. On their way to patching in. She’ll have another seven years before it’s Gunner’s turn.”

“You’ve noticed Mom’s different, too, huh?”

Mattie lifted a be-fucking-for-real brow. “She’s ordering peoplekilled. She’s remorseless about it. Not that I blame her. They’ve put her through a lot. ButmyAunt Meggie loves to dance and laugh and help people. Do you know the first time Momma and me danced while we were cooking was because it was a day or two after a family get-together and we’d been helping your mom? She made it so much fun. We used spoons and spatulas as microphones. They put me and Rebel up on the counter and pretended we were on the stage.”

Aunt Meggie had had boundless energy and limitless love. Whereas Momma made art and literature enjoyable, Aunt Meggie turned mundane tasks such as cooking into fun. Aunt Bunny always brought up the rear simply because there were so many kids and she was Aunt Meggie’s assistant. Once a year, Aunt Zoann took the kids camping. Aunt Jordan hosted sleepovers and Aunt Georgie welcomed them in Denver whenever they wanted to go. Since Harley was mostly at CJ’s, Aunt Bailey didn’t deal with them much, while Aunt Ophelia seemed lost in her own world.

As Mattie got older, she realized it probably had to do with her unconventional relationship.

All her aunts contributed something, yet, somehow, they expected so much of Aunt Meggie. Even as whispers swirled about everything from her age to her marriage to her Mary Poppins behavior, shestill held it all together, and loved and protected them. Sooner or later, she wouldn’t return her protection to Daddy.

Mattie swallowed. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, compelled to apologize when she realized why she’d started the conversation.

As long as her father was alive, they could repair their relationship. If he ended up dead, all hope was gone.

“Your overdose just threw me completely off-kilter.”

“Tell me about it,” CJ said dryly. “You and me both.”

She flushed. “I have to go,” she mumbled, and rushed to the door.

“Mattie?”

Opening the door, she glanced over her shoulder.

“You knew just what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. Stop doubting yourself and speak whatever is on your mind. No one holds it against you. Least of all me.”

She nodded and threw her cousin a grateful smile, then slipped out the door, his words ringing in her ears.