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I start to answer, but stop. There’s no good way to answer this. Almost any way that forms in my head sounds like I’m either throwing my team under the bus or making myself out to be a saint, as if I haven’t also had the same sucky season as everyone else on this team.

I think Coach understands my dilemma because he smiles. “Speak freely.”

Sighing, I say, “This isn’t a dig at anyone.” Coach inclines his head. “I saw a hole, and I was filling it.”

“A hole in defense,” Coach clarifies.

Again, I hesitate. “I think we’re Swiss cheese right now.”

Coach laughs.

“I’m going to say this, and please understand, I’m not blaming anyone.

I realized a couple of months ago that it feels like we’re all playing separate games.

Sometimes it feels like we’re playing different games entirely.

I’m one person and I’m not the coach. I can’t make everyone get on the same page as me.

Maybe I’m the one in the wrong book. Either way, without teamwork, I asked myself what I could do.

I decided that when I’m in our zone and Patrik needs more support so I’d focus my energy there. ” I shrug.

“I’ve noticed your shift, especially in the last couple of weeks,” Coach says. “You’ve not only managed the highest number of goals this season on this team, but I think you’re up there with the number of saves, aside from Patrik.”

“They’re in their heads,” I tell Coach. “It’s been a rough season, and I think everyone feels defeated before we step foot on the ice.”

“I agree.”

“I can’t control everyone else. I’m not even going to waste my energy trying to convince them. I decided to focus on what’s in my control and that’s how I can contribute better to the team.”

“That’s very admirable.”

“Thanks,” I say, though I’m not looking for admiration. I just want the season to be over so everyone can focus on pulling themselves out of their personal black holes and we can try again next year.

“You have the makings of a good captain,” Coach says.

Okay, I’ve never been told that before. I’m not even sure how I feel about it.

“The only reason you’re not is reflected in a lot of what you just told me.

You concentrate on your game and don’t try to get everyone on the same page.

Part of being captain is also like being a coach.

I like your mentality. I like your versatility.

I love how you’re an example and not just spewing about what everyone else can do better.

Your assisting in goals and your constant passing is proof that you are a team player. ”

I’m not sure where he’s going with this. “Thanks?”

Coach breaks out into a wide smile, chuckling.

“I’m saying you’re doing very, very well, Julian.

This wasn’t one of the worst games we’ve played this year by far and you, a single player, were a large part of that.

If we could get even two or three more of your teammates to have your same frame of mind, we’d be the team to beat. ”

I nod, still unsure what he’s getting at here.

“With all due respect, Coach, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, and I’m equally not sure I have what it takes to be a good captain.

It takes a certain kind of personality to captain and I’m not confident that I exemplify it.

” When he sees me hesitate with my thoughts again, Coach gestures for me to continue.

“I don’t think I’d be respected as captain,” I admit.

Coach frowns. “I believe the team respects you, Julian. What makes you feel otherwise?”

I bite my tongue for a minute, wondering if this is going to be a waste of my time. “I’m a Black man on an all-white team. There are very few places where you’re going to find a group of white men willing to follow the lead of a Black man, especially on a white-dominant team.”

“Ah,” Coach says. “I see. There aren’t a lot of Black men in hockey at all.”

“We’re taught without words that we don’t belong here.

There were days when I was a kid that I felt I needed to work twice, even three times as hard to get myself beyond the red line and open some doors.

Having to fight so hard to get where I am is part of the reason I ask myself what I can do and not how to get others to work with me. ”

“I imagine that’s been a struggle.”

I shrug. “It has been, but I’m here and I work hard to make sure I play well.

However, it doesn’t matter how well I play.

It doesn’t matter if I am captain material.

Right now, I’m everyone’s equal, but the minute I’m seen as better than someone else, the entire dynamic changes and that respect can go right out the door. ”

“I would never let this team disrespect you, Julian. Your goals this season alone are evidence enough that you’re more than pulling your weight.”

“With all due respect, Coach, you can’t make someone respect you. Trying will only cause a bigger disconnect.”

Coach inclines his head. “Understood. Please know that you’ve been a great asset to this team this year. I’m looking forward to seeing what you can do next year.”

Do I take that as I’m not being traded? You know what? I’m not even going to ask. Coach might not know anyway. “Thank you.”

“Get out of here. Get some rest. Two more games left this year. Let’s see if we can end this season on a win.”

I get to my feet. “Got it. Thanks, Coach.”

“Good game tonight,” Coach says again as I leave his office.

That felt weird. Was that a pep talk of ‘ I want you to be captain, but I need you to start rallying your team ?’ I have no aspirations to be captain. I’d rather keep my head down and play.

But for now, it’s time to speed through stripping out of these damn pads so I can wash and get to Arush. He’s going to be waiting in my car for ages at this point. I can’t wait to hold his hand on the drive home.

The thought alone has me smiling as I peel my pads from my sweaty body.