Page 17

ARUSH

The final buzzer sounds and I’m left staring at the screen, sitting at the edge of the couch cushion and hugging a throw pillow to my chest. I think my mouth hangs open slightly. That was…

“Ouch,” Anil says.

We continue to stare at the screen as the narrators replay clips.

L.A.’s goalie was on fire tonight. They didn’t let in a single goal.

I’m not sure if it’s because Chicago was seriously not with it or if the goalie is just that good.

As a novice hockey watcher, I’m not sure I know enough to tell the difference yet.

It wasn’t a particularly rough game. There have been some games when it feels like it’s just fight after fight. This wasn’t the problem tonight.

“You think he’s going to be upset when he gets home?” Jash asks.

Anil and Alok woke up early to watch the game with me. Jash tuned in twenty minutes ago and is holding his little baby Ravi as he watches.

I shake my head again, though they still can’t see me. “I’m sure he’s not going to be celebrating,” I say. “But he’s never seemed overly down about losing.”

“So I looked up hockey in the US and while I’m not entirely sure what all the stats I’m reading mean, it doesn’t look like Chicago has been that great a team over the last handful of years. Maybe he’s used to losing,” Alok says.

“Maybe he’s resigned to losing,” Anil adds.

I nod because, yeah. Maybe.

“The team stats also show that Julian is leading the team in goals, so that’s something,” Alok says. “Assuming I understood what I read and I think I did.”

We continue to watch the recaps. The people in charge of commentating keep showing goal attempts against L.A. I’m not sure if they’re showing how good that goalie was tonight or that our team truly tried. There were something like fifty-eight attempts by Chicago.

As I think about that, I can’t imagine being a goalie and having a hard little disk shot at me fifty-eight times.

I’d be covered with bruises. Then again, it looks like he’s wearing as much padding as he weighs.

I bet I wouldn’t recognize these goalies at all once they shed the hard exoskeleton of goalie pads.

When we first watched hockey together and were commenting on the goalie pads, it was in awe of how they managed to move. And also maybe with a little laughter because they look like parade floats with how big they are in those things.

Over a month later and I’m just in awe that they’re able to move so effortlessly. So quickly. They have to be the quickest players on the ice.

The recap finally stops showing all the failed Chicago attempts at goal and moves to look at the three guys who narrated the game as they talk about it further. I turn the volume down and then shift on the couch to turn the laptop toward me.

I think my friends look as stunned by the performance as I am. It’s not the first time we saw Chicago lose after having scored no goals. In both games against Colorado in the last couple weeks, they lost without getting a goal on the board.

When I asked Julian about it, he rolled his eyes and said that’s been a pretty regular occurrence this season. He doubted it’d be the last. He wasn’t wrong. Losing always sucks, right? But losing having not managed a single goal? I can imagine how defeating that feels.

I’m not even playing the game and I feel defeated. As if their loss is personal. Maybe that’s what it feels like when you’re… seeing someone on the team. Is that what we’re doing? We’re seeing each other, right? Can I call him my partner?

“Maybe Chicago can trade for L.A.’s goalie,” Anil suggests.

I grin. “Julian says Patrik, their goalie, is actually really good. The problem isn’t necessarily their goalie’s lack of skills, but that their defensemen aren’t always where they need to be.

They are two players on the team whose job it is to defend the goal.

It isn’t just up to the goalie to do so. ”

We had a conversation about it during the one about having been shutout with Colorado and Julian explained to me about everyone’s role.

While it’s really difficult to figure out who is in what position since no one is standing still, Julian says you should still be able to pick out the defensemen since their job isn’t to be aggressive in the other team’s defensive zone, though they do go there too.

But their job is to be prepared to retrieve the puck that’s shot out of the opposite defensive zone and get it back to their teammates.

Should the other team bring it into our defensive zone, they should be actively protecting the goalie and stopping goal attempts while the offensive players try to get the puck back.

Honestly, I’m not sure I see the difference most days. On any team. There was one I watched recently where I knew that one of the players was defensive. He hung around the blue line to wait for the puck, moving in line with where the puck was without getting tied up in the struggle to make a goal.

Which meant he was there to catch it when it was shot toward him and he did make a goal.

Julian says the whole team should be a well-oiled machine. Everyone should do their jobs seamlessly but also have the flexibility to slide into another position when there’s a need in real time.

It feels really confusing if you ask me.

“Thanks for watching with me,” I say. “I needed someone to share the horror with this time.”

Jash snorts. He’s gently rubbing Ravi’s back as the baby sleeps.

The first time I saw him holding his first child like that, I was a little in awe of him.

I never once thought I was in love with Jash.

There’s the argument that we were just teenagers and all that shit.

But I thought that a part of me had loved him because I was certainly hurt when he told me his parents had arranged his marriage partner and we’d need to stop seeing each other.

I was angry and frustrated and certainly hurt. Add in confusion when he didn’t stop showing up to hang out. Then I was irritated that I didn’t hate his new soon-to-be-wife. Obviously, I got over it. Probably because I had no delusions that I was in love with him.

The moment I thought maybe I did love him a little was when I saw him holding his newborn daughter for the first time. He just looked like an effortlessly good dad. Like someone who loved his child more than anything at all.

It was also then that I went through a short period of jealousy because it felt like Jash was just innately good at everything and it felt so unfair.

I’ve grown up a lot in the last few years.

“I don’t wish to see another non-scoring game,” Anil says.

“Unfortunately for you, the scores aren’t predetermined,” Alok says. “We’ll never know until the game ends.”

“That was a message for the universe. Don’t let Chicago Breeze go through that again. Please.”

I grin. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good day.”

“Go give your man a whole lot of extra love and attention,” Alok says, winking at me right before he disconnects.

I roll my eyes and close out of the video. No, I haven’t told them what’s going on. Like my father, what they know is that I’m here with Julian. They know one additional detail and that’s exactly how I met Julian, whereas my father doesn’t.

But they don’t know that it’s still very… new. Slow. Sometimes, I still think it’s a little unsure, but I also think that maybe that’s just my doubt that’s hanging around because I can’t stop seeing the way he looked at me in the airport.

It wasn’t me he wanted. It wasn’t me he was looking for.

I leave the television on and head to my bedroom to get ready for bed while I push those thoughts away. I’m convinced he wants me here. That he doesn’t want me to go back to India. We’re just moving at the rate of molasses going uphill.

When I’m in my pajamas and ready for bed, I head back to the couch to wait for Julian. The TV is super low, so I can hear the lock in the entryway flip. I’m not waiting long. As soon as it clicks, I turn the television off and head for the door.

It opens just as I step into the space. He looks tired. But when his eyes meet mine, a smile touches his lips. I reach for his bag, but he drops it on the floor and catches my hand, pulling me into him. His strong arms wrap around me as he buries his face in my neck.

“Rough game,” I say quietly.

Julian sighs. “It was.”

He doesn’t sound overly distraught about it. But the way he holds me after a loss is different from how he holds me after he wins. Like right now, he wants comfort. He wants to forget.

Minutes pass and I close my eyes. I’m about to brave it up and tell him we can hug in bed if he’s tired, but he speaks instead.

“I have a friend on L.A.—Noah Kain. He asked if I wanted to get a bite to eat with him and Hector Atlas—another player on L.A.”

My heart sinks. I think my entire body deflates. “Okay.”

“Want to come?”

And now my heart jumps into my throat. If I’m not careful, all these emotions are going to make my heart stop entirely. “To eat with you and your friends?” I clarify.

I hear his smile when he answers. “Yes. It’s okay if you’re not hungry. I know it’s late. I’m not sure I’m hungry, but it’s more to catch up than it is to actually eat.”

“Oh. Yes. Okay.”

“Good,” he says. His arms tighten around me for a second before he lets me go. “I’m not opposed to you wearing this, but if you want to change, we’re leaving in ten minutes.”

I glance down at my bed pants and tee. “I’m changing.” These are the first of his friends I’m meeting. There’s no way in hell I’m showing up like this. Julian hasn’t introduced me to anyone yet. This feels like a super big deal.

Before I can walk away, Julian surprises me and catches my chin with his fingers. My breath catches as I meet his eyes. His smile is soft and a moment later, his mouth is on mine.

I close my eyes as my entire body fills with butterflies.

“I love that you’re waiting right here for me every day,” he says as he pulls away. “You can’t possibly know how much I love it.”

It’s difficult to respond with the butterflies that have danced up my throat. I don’t manage to get words out at all before he releases me and grabs his bag from the floor.

There’s a real possibility that I’m floating right now. I’m meeting his friends and he loves that I’m at the door every day. And here I was worried that I was going to start appearing needy or clingy.

I’m barely aware of what I’m doing right up until I’m back in the entryway putting my shoes on.

I opted for some slacks and a long-sleeved shirt.

I look presentable, right? Julian holds open one of his jackets for me to put on and yep, my heart might just stop altogether from the constant abrupt changes it’s going through.

He kisses my cheek. “Ready?”

I nod. Still breathless. Still at a loss for words. His hand slides slowly down my arm until his fingers link with mine for a minute. I’m not sure if he’s trying to steal all my oxygen, but it might be working.

After a quick squeeze of my hand, he lets me go and opens the door. I follow him into the hall. I’d been ready for bed, and while that fatigue is still hanging around, it also feels like I just received a dose of caffeine.

There’s no one in the halls or elevator on our way outside. It’s cold out and I sink a little further into Julian’s jacket. It smells like him. The wind is icy on my cheeks. Where is spring? I’m so ready for spring.

The SUV is already running when we get there. The lights flash as we get closer and Julian opens the passenger door for me. It’s all these little things that keep the butterflies fluttering inside me. The thoughtfulness. Every sweet touch and gesture.

“Did you play with these guys on your other team?” I ask as we pull out of the driveway.

He chuckles. “No. How we became friends is a bit of a maze. The NHL has an inclusivity initiative called the ‘ Gays Can Play ,’ which basically rounds up every LGBTQIA+ player and has them go to events and charities and whatever as a means to make sure that queer youth understand that opportunities are available for everyone, regardless of their orientation and identity.”

“And you’re a part of this?” I ask.

Julian laughs. “No. My friend Keno on the Arizona team managed to drunkenly and mistakenly out himself when he kissed his then-best friend and teammate Etna one summer. While he didn’t identify as anything other than straight at the time, he also didn’t deny the claim for various reasons.

Which meant he was added to the GCP group, of which Noah Kain is a part of.

Last year, while the team was in L.A., we hung out with the GCP players on L.A. ’s team.”

“Ah. So you met him through a friend.”

“Yeah. A friend of a friend. Part of the cool thing about the GCP is that they catch up with other players on different teams who are a part of the group too. It’s friendship, support, understanding, connection.” He shrugs. “That kind of thing.”

“That’s really cool.”

Julian nods. “I’m not part of the group, but I’ve caught up with Noah whenever we’ve played them this year and we’ve become friends, so it’s nice to hang out. He’s bringing Hector with him, another GCP guy.”

“I look forward to meeting them.”

He smiles as he drives. The distance to the hotel isn’t far, and he continues to tell me about the guys we’re picking up. It’s not hard to figure out that the two men waiting outside the hotel when we pull up are who we’re picking up.

I don’t recognize either, though that’s not entirely surprising. They climb into the back and I watch over my shoulder, trying not to feel awkward and self-conscious.

“Hey,” the one with longer hair says. He’s got a very distinctly pretty look about him. Especially when he smiles.

“Hey,” Julian greets back. “For the record, I know we sucked tonight. No need to rub it in.”

Both guys laugh.

“Dude,” the other one says, shaking his head. “There’s no cohesion in Chicago.”

Julian huffs. “I know.” He twists in his seat and looks into the back. “This is Noah,” he says of the pretty one. “And Hector. This is my friend, Arush.”

All those butterflies in my stomach just collapsed. Friend. That’s all I am? I glance at Julian, trying to get a read on him, but he’s just smiling. I try to return it, but right now, I feel like I just swallowed bugs, and it’s not a good feeling.

This is going to be a long night and I’m going to be stuck in my head the entire time. Friend !