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JULIAN “JULES” WHITE

“On me. On me,” Etna says into the mic.

I shift my view on the screen, looking for his green triangle. He’s not close, but I head in his direction anyway.

Etna follows up with “Fuck,” and his green triangle turns to a medic sign. He’s dead, though he can be revived if someone gets to him in time.

“That’s what he said,” Horny responds. “I feel like we just got a sneak peek into their bedroom.”

I can’t help myself. I laugh. Fucking Horny. Seriously.

“Fuck’s sake,” Caulder mutters. I hear his voice as if it’s from a distance, which means he’s not logged in with a headset on but sitting beside Lo while Lo plays, hearing everything we’re hearing.

It only makes me laugh a little more.

“I got him,” Lo says, and I stop running in that direction.

The game commander makes an announcement as it does every time we’re not right on top of each other. “Your team is separated. Survival is higher when you stick together.” Damn thing wants us to hold hands or something.

I turn my guy into a gas station and grab a gas can, a scuba mask, and a battery. The battery is for a mission, but the other things are good to have on hand in case we travel by vehicle or end up in the water. Opening other cases gives me XP.

Just as I’m coming out, I’m shot. I wince. “Fucker. Bots got me.”

“Where?” Horny asks.

“Gas station.”

“I’m right here,” Hilt says. “You don’t have a selfie?”

I open my bag and check. “Nope. Used it last time the bots got me.”

There’s gunfire outside and then Hilt is laughing. “Bitches got me too. Why are there so damn many right here?”

“I’d say they’re protecting something, but they’re not actual players.”

“Wow,” Horny says. “I’m out too. There’s like eighty of them.”

“That’s dramatic, but yeah,” Hilt says.

“So what I’m hearing is y’all are sacrificed and we’re going to move on and leave you as bot feed,” Etna says.

“Good to know where your loyalties lie during an apocalypse,” Horny mutters.

“With my husband. Obviously.”

I don’t need to be in the same room to see the big smile on his face. And on Keno’s.

Setting the controller aside, I lean back against the couch to watch. My vision is following Lo around right now.

I miss my friends. This is the first night we’ve all gotten to hang out online in almost three weeks. With three different team schedules to work around, it’s not easy finding time that works for everyone.

I’m back in Chicago, where I was drafted two and a half years ago. I spent my initial year here, was traded to Arizona for a year, and then traded back to Chicago. The thing that sucks the most is that Arizona was the first place I’ve ever been where I felt like I actually made some friends.

There are a few guys on the team who seem cool, but we don’t hang outside of the game. We’re not that kind of friends. Not the kind that I can show up on their doorstep because I’m bored, and they’ll invite me along to their wedding cake tasting like Keno and Etna did last winter.

Not the kinds of friends you can waste an entire night with talking shit and playing first-person shooter games.

“Dammit, Lo. I didn’t realize you were still alive,” Keno says. “Catch up already.”

“If you weren’t so preoccupied sucking dick, you’d have seen him there,” Horny teases.

“Don’t be jealous that I have a dick to suck and you don’t, man,” Keno fires back. “We’ve been over this. If you’re curious, go find a guy for a blowie.”

I grin. Horny doesn’t answer more than snorting.

When I was traded to Arizona last year, Keno Edgewood, Etna Yreka, Lund Hornbeck—affectionately known as Horny—and Hilt Callahan were players on the Arizona team.

They still are. The year prior, Laurent Duval was also on the team.

Laurent, whom we call Lo, was transferred to Toronto, conveniently more than a thousand miles closer to his now-husband, Caulder Haines, who plays in Buffalo.

And unfortunately, at the end of last season, I was traded back to Chicago, where I’d been traded from in the first place.

I’ve never met a group of guys who are just… great. Maybe that makes me sappy or corny or whatever, but I miss that. They took me in immediately. Even Lo, who basically acted like I’d always been a part of their friendship group.

I’ve only met him a few times in person.

Mostly when our teams played each other, and at Keno and Etna’s wedding, where he was the ring bearer.

Which I think they might have regretted after the fact, since he wore their wedding bands on his nipples like nip rings.

Nope, not even kidding. It rivaled the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

Right up there with Keno and Etna’s grandmothers using a flower cannon to shoot petals into the audience.

A smile stretches across my face as I think about their wedding. When I joined the team and the group took me in, I thought they were already together. As it turns out, they were entirely oblivious that they were practically married already. It was amusing.

But the part that always makes me smile was watching them realize how much they loved each other and witnessing them fall in love. It made me understand something about myself in a very potent way.

I want that.

I’m not going to pretend I’m old by any means. I’m twenty-two. Practically a baby. I have my entire life ahead of me. But I’ve yet to find a girl who can accept me as I am and still wants to spend their life with me.

How do you take out an ad for an asexual partner? Where would I put that up?

To the next person who tells me to try dating apps, I’m going to knock their teeth out with my hockey stick. As if I haven’t tried that already.

The last three of our teammates get ambushed by another team. There’s cursing and laughter as the screen shifts point of view between the three of them in quick succession, each viewing ending with blood spatter.

“Well, shit,” Keno mutters.

Our game blacks out, and the recap of points loads.

“Have time for one more?” I ask, picking up my controller.

“Sorry, man. We have to get to practice. It was Coach’s kid’s birthday today, so we have an evening practice,” Hilt says.

There goes four. “No worries.”

“I can play another,” Lo says. “I might be able to convince Caulder to log in, though I think he’ll die right away. Ouch.”

I grin. Horny’s laughing as he logs off.

“It’s not an insult. Just an observation. Ouch.” There’s the ruffle of noise and then Caulder’s laughter.

I want that too. I never knew them before they met at the All-Stars Game, almost two years ago now, but it feels like they’re one of those couples who have been together since they were kids. Childhood sweethearts. There’s such familiarity and comfort between them.

I want all that , a quiet voice in my head whispers.

“Doesn’t look like Caulder’s going to log in,” Lo says. “My fault. Just us, Jules.”

“That’s cool. We can play with two if you’re up for it.”

“Sure.”

We go through the load screens and then wait in the lobby to be let into the next game. While we wait, Lo asks, “How’s Chicago treating you?”

“This is going to come as a surprise, but it’s windy and cold.”

He snorts. “Trust me, I get that. We might be at different latitudes, but it’s windy and cold here too.”

“I miss the Arizona heat.” I miss my friends.

“Same. I forget how exhausting dressing in layers is. I feel like I need to climb out of an extra skin every time I walk into a building since I’m dressed for the arctic. That’s why I choose the freeze and sprint method so I don’t have to worry about the layers.”

“Meaning?”

“When the cold wind bites, I sprint from one door to the next to get out of the cold.”

I snort. Honestly, I tend to do that too some days. “Then mud season’s right around the corner, and that’s a new kind of fun.”

He grunts. “Seriously.”

“Toronto’s having a decent season, though,” I say.

“Yeah, not bad. Chicago is not.”

I laugh. “Tell me about it. I’m not the best player on the team, but I’ve still managed to score the most goals this season. It’s like we can’t get out of our own way.”

“That’s a lot like Caulder’s team. They have the fucking talent to take it all and yet, they fumble all the time.”

“It’s a lack of cohesion across all players,” Caulder says, his voice clear as if he’s speaking directly into Lo’s mic.

“We have some killer players, but it’s like we all need to be paired exactly right to make sense.

Once those pairs break apart, we’re literally tripping over each other. It’s maddening.”

“At least you have some cohesion. I think we lack it entirely. I’m not sure it’d hurt if they just stripped down the entire team and built it again from the ground up.”

“That bad, huh?”

“We’re last in the division. There’s no lower we can possibly go, and yet, I’m sure we’re going to reach a new depth of low.”

“That sucks, man.”

I shrug. “I’m still living the dream, right? I get to play pro hockey for a living. And at this rate, there’s a big chance that I’ll be traded in the spring since that’s been my pattern.”

“That also sucks,” Caulder says. “I know that my situation isn’t usual, but I’ve really loved staying on the same team for my entire career so far.”

“I bet that’s cool. It’s kind of hard to settle in when you’re uprooted every year. I didn’t even buy this condo since I’m probably leaving in a year, anyway.”

“Twice could just be a coincidence,” Lo points out.

“The only reason my places sold so readily over the last two years is because housing in these areas is at a premium. It’s fine. I like this condo, so if I stay for more than a year, I’ll think about buying one in the building.”

“Is it nice?” Caulder asks.

I glance at the bank of windows that affords me a view of the city. “It’s all about the view, but yeah, the building itself is pretty nice too.”

“Nice.”