Page 20

JULIAN

The first thing I’m conscious of is that I’m in my own bed. I know it’s my bed because there’s no bed I’ve ever been in that’s nearly as comfortable. It’s basically the single piece of furniture I bring with me when I move.

The second thing is that my fingers are loosely tangled with Arush’s. It’s not the first time I’ve woken up like that. What I find the most satisfying about it is that we don’t go to sleep that way. Somehow, in the night, our hands come together.

It brings a smile to my face every time.

I roll to my side and find that we’re far closer together this morning than usual. It’s the first night home since my week away and I think this is probably reflective of the fact that we missed each other.

Arush is still asleep. He’s on his side, facing me already. I’ve never hugged him in bed. We’ve always kept it PG as far as the distance between us is concerned. I think I hugged him no less than a dozen times yesterday when I got home, though. I want to feel him in my arms.

This morning, I give into that need. I reach for Arush and gently pull him to me. His eyes flutter open sleepily to look at me, and then close again. But now, he reaches for me too.

His arms come around me, pulling me to his chest. His leg comes up and over my hip as he buries me in his hold. I grin and close my eyes, hugging him tightly as I breathe him in as deeply as I can, so the only thing that fills me is Arush-tinted oxygen.

Every single time I’m in his arms, I realize how desperately I’ve wanted to be held. I’m a little more aware of it every single time, and when we part, I crave it all that much more. All the little touches. The soft brushes of our hands together. The press of our legs when we watch television.

My fingers itch to have him close. To feel his heartbeat. To get lost in a moment that’s filled with nothing but affection.

It’s no lie that I’ve longed for a partner. That’s what always kept me looking for a girlfriend… until recent years. I want this closeness. I want to hold and be held. I love hugs and cuddling and kissing.

The problem isn’t in the lack of finding people who want that. The problem has always been that they want it to lead to sex more often than not. Like there’s now some unwritten rule that cuddling must lead to sex.

“What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just be hard for me one time?”

The words make me flinch and I take another deep breath of Arush. Not this time. This is different. Arush is different.

“Just to be clear,” Arush says sleepily, “my hard dick against your leg doesn’t mean I want you to touch it.”

I burst out laughing and press my face further into his chest. Honestly, I hadn’t even noticed. He’s not flush against me. Now that he points it out, though, I can totally feel him poking me.

“Thanks for the disclosure.”

“Sorry,” he says. “I get aroused rather easily, but I prefer not to be touched. That’s not an insult. I hope you know that. It’s hard to explain that you arouse me and yet, I don’t want you to touch me like that.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “In the same vein, not to offend you, but I don’t want to touch you even though I think it’s really… comforting? That you find me arousing.”

“This is probably one of the most satisfying conversations regarding sex I’ve ever had,” Arush says. “Even if that sounds counterintuitive.”

“I was just thinking how cuddling has now become synonymous with leading to sex and how this isn’t that same situation.”

Arush huffs. “Tell me about it. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I was sad and cuddling with my besties and no kidding, those fuckers asked if I needed rebound sex. Jerks.”

I grin. “Were they joking?”

“Yeah, but they were serious, too.”

“They still your besties?”

“Yes. Ironically, so is my ex-boyfriend.”

“Oh, yeah?”

He nods. “Yep. I think he’s my only true ex. We were together for a while and then his parents matched him with his now wife and here we are.”

“Ouch,” I say, cringing.

Arush chuckles. “Yeah, it was really rough at first. For me. Jash always just takes things as they come; as if they’re all the best things in life. In hindsight, it was a really good decision for both of us, even if I didn’t see that at the time.”

“Not that I’m trying to pry, but was he forced to marry a woman?”

“Oh no,” he says. “Nothing like that. While he never came out and said so, I think he asked for a wife. It’s strange and I still don’t necessarily understand why it happened the way it did.

We were together for like three years as we finished school and began university.

He brought me home, introduced me as his boyfriend, and his parents seemed to really like me.

There were no comments or looks or anything that made me even remotely uncomfortable, and I was there a lot.

One day, he said that his parents were introducing him to the woman they chose, and we were going to need to break up. ”

“That sounds…”

“I make it sound more heartless than it was. He was upset, but he was also excited. He couldn’t hide that.

I don’t think he wanted to break up with me.

I think if he’d have been given the option to have us both, he would have.

But… Jash was all my firsts, and it’s with him I realized that I don’t like to be touched.

Jash not only likes to be touched, he wants to touch a lot.

He was never forceful and I think, ultimately, it was that incompatibility that had him agreeing to marrying someone else in the end. ”

I sigh and hug him a little tighter. “I’m sorry. That sounds really difficult.”

“It was at the time,” he agrees, shrugging.

“I thought he sent a lot of mixed signals by still coming around all the time. I hated that I actually really liked Chaaya, his new wife. I don’t know when, but at some point, I realized we were always much better as friends.

He’s always been one of my closest friends, and now the past when we’d been together is a different lifetime.

It’s like… it happened, but it was so long ago that… I’m not sure how to explain it.”

“I’m glad it ended happily.”

“I am too. I can’t imagine my life without him.”

“So, you have three close friends?”

“Yep. Brothers, Alok and Anil. And Jash. I actually get them on video calls all the time and we watch your games together.”

That makes me smile. I pull back to look at his face. “You do?”

He nods. “I miss them. I like how we can share the experience of learning hockey together. And in a way, I’m also sharing you with them. They’re getting to know you through hockey. Well, and me.”

“That’s great. I love that.”

Arush’s smile is small. I lean in and press my lips to his. He sighs. The arm around my shoulders tightens, pulling me closer.

We kiss for a while and I take a lot of comfort in knowing that even this act of intimacy isn’t going to lead to pressure into having sex.

It’s such a relief knowing that he doesn’t want me like that.

A weight off my shoulders. It makes everything we share feel so much deeper. So much more in tune and in line.

“What are we going to do today?” Arush asks. “Do you have practice?”

I shake my head. “I think I’m going to head to the gym for a bit this morning. I feel better when I’m able to work out a bit every day. There’s this ingrained fear that if I miss a day, I’m going to suddenly lose a bunch of strength or skill or something and be replaced.”

Arush makes a face. “That’s a lot of stress.”

“Meh. I’ve learned to enjoy exercise, so it’s routine at this point. But I don’t have plans for after. Is there something you want to do?”

He thinks about it and shrugs. “I don’t know. If it’s nice out, then I wouldn’t mind a walk.”

“We can do that.”

“Then let’s go,” Arush says, pressing his lips to mine. “Go to the gym.”

Grinning, I sit up. “You want to come with me?”

“To the gym?” he asks, eyebrows knit together.

I grip his biceps playfully. “I’m a little confused about your confusion, since your arms suggest that you at least lifted weights for a while at some point.”

Arush gives me a grin that sends shivers down my spine. I’m not quite sure how to read it. He’s pleased with my assessment, though. “You like that?”

“As it turns out,” I say as I turn my back on him and slide from the bed, “yes. I like being held in your arms and feeling that you’re as big as, if not bigger than, me.”

I catch his grin lingering as I disappear into the bathroom.

Arush is an attractive man. I remember being a teenager and being ridiculously confused about my sexuality.

Not so much that I’ve had crushes on guys.

That was easy enough to understand. Plain and simple, I swung both ways, and I was okay with that.

The part that confused me is that I could identify if someone was attractive.

Physically, aesthetically, personally, even sexually appealing.

However, it did nothing for me. It’s like…

I could appreciate and even find attraction toward other people.

The thought of sex can be incredibly hot. I’m not even opposed to watching porn.

But any kind of sexual activities involving me leave me feeling uncomfortable. If I force myself into the acts or lead up to them, I can feel sick to my stomach and gross in my own skin.

Growing up with this kind of conflict running through my head made my teenage years incredibly confusing and difficult.

I was seventeen when I found the term asexual.

The first time I read the definition, it felt like coming home, and yet, I was still confused because I’m not sex-repulsed at the idea or even watching sex.

I love a beautiful body. I love to admire body parts. I actually enjoy sexy images and whatever. There are days when I can get lost in the thought of sex, especially when something new comes up, like the first time I learned what a cock ring was.

But that appeal evaporates when I’m part of the equation at all.

I don’t even like to be hard. Like, ever.

I hate the feeling. It might be the negative connotation that’s now associated with it from all the times I’ve been made to feel guilted or bribed or maybe even forced hard. But yeah, sex is not for me.

I’m not comfortable in my skin. I’m confident in my sexuality. I enjoy being told I’m attractive and having people attracted to me. Likewise, I can appreciate an attractive person too. Plain and simple, I just don’t want any part of sex.

The kind of freedom I feel with Arush is exhilarating. The feeling of coming home. Of finally . There’s a part of me that thinks he’s literally the only person who would fit so seamlessly and effortlessly into my life as he does.

I meet him in the kitchen. He has water bottles from the cabinet and is filling them up with water from the fridge. His eyes meet mine and once again, I see his shy smile. His eyes flicker to the counter, where he’s left out a banana for me.

He’s already learned my habits. I typically eat a piece of fruit before the gym and leave with water. Come back and have a protein shake, nursing that until I’m in the mood for something more substantial to eat.

Without comment, I take the banana and finish it in three bites. Arush hands me my bottle of water. “Thank you,” I tell him.

He smiles, inclining his head, and together we head down to the gym.

The building is decently sized, with eighty-four condos. My primary goal when I was hunting for a home here was the ability to lease. From there, I was looking for amenities, most importantly, a good gym. Everything beyond that was just a perk.

What sold me on this particular building was the view and the tub in the laundry room. It was made for a hockey player with that tub. I was convinced of that.

A lot of times when I’ve visited the gym in a building I lived in, it’s rarely used.

I appreciate that there’s a decent amount of activity in this one, though.

I’ve even seen Ellie and Paul down here.

When it’s raining or we’re caught in the middle of bitter temperatures, I can often find them strolling along on the treadmills.

Ellie has often told me that getting her steps in every day is how she stays so flexible. She ends that with a wink, too. Hey, old people need love as well. Good for her.

There are a dozen people in the gym. Most I recognize. As predicted, there was an influx right after the new year, but all those resolutions have already fallen away for most. Just the people who are normally here are the faces I see today.

Including the guys that Arush met when he brought himself on a tour one of the times I had away games.

Tobias and James grin as we walk in. “Heyyyy!” they say in unison. As always, I shake my head with amusement.

Heading for them, I bump my fist with their proffered ones. Arush follows.

“Haven’t seen you in a minute,” James says. “Hockey taking you away?”

I nod. “Yep. Such is the life.”

“Dude, your last game,” Tobias says, shaking his head.

“This whole season,” I counter.

“Good to see you joining us, Arush,” James says. “We love that there’s another roommate duo in the building.” James and Tobias slap hands and then turn their grins on us.

I smile in return, meeting Arush’s eyes. He’s smiling too, but like me, his smile says something different. We don’t correct them, but we know the truth. Roommates, sure. For now. But in the same breath, not at all.

We’re not roommates. We’re something more. Something better. But we’re just getting started so we don’t correct them.

Instead, we join them in their rotations and enjoy some bro-centric conversation. I keep an eye on Arush and he seems to find them more amusing by the minute.

But the best part of the gym? The way we share a secret every time our eyes meet. The smiles we exchange are only for each other.