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A rctic

I know what I have to do.

No, not what I have to do, but what I need to do, what I want to do.

I only hope that Paisley will agree. My stomach is twisted up in knots because she’s already five minutes late.

I close my computer and groan. Then stand and start pacing up and down, up and down. I can’t sit still.

I’m such an idiot. She was apprehensive about meeting in the forest. She said it would be risky. And I talked her into it because I’m such a selfish prick.

I’ll fix it.

I’ll sort it out.

There is a knock on the door, and Paisley walks in, closing it behind her.

The look on her face as she turns toward me fucks me up. I go to her and put my arms around her, pulling her in.

“I’m so sorry,” I say into her hair.

She stays stiff and doesn’t hug me back. After a few seconds, she even shrugs me off.

I’ll fix it.

I will!

“We really need to talk.” Her voice is clipped.

No! Fuck!

“I’m going to fire Cathy!” I tell her. “I’ll handle everything. It’s my fault.”

Paisley frowns. “No, that wouldn’t be right. You can’t fire her for catching us. And it’s not your fault. I knew the risks. I’m just as much to blame.”

“She deserves to be fired. I can tell from the look on your face that she plans on telling everyone. I’ll fire her because she intended to seduce me.”

“She says she was lost and ran into us.” Paisley gives a one-shouldered shrug.

“It’s a lie!” I need to calm down. I breathe in and out a few times. It doesn’t help.

“Of course it’s a lie, but it’s her word against ours. I’ve given it a ton of thought, and there’s only one thing that we can do.”

“I’ll speak to my Council,” I say.

“I need to resign,” she says at the same time as me.

“What?” I shake my head. “No, Paisley. No! You’re not resigning, and that’s final. I’ll talk to Cathy. I’ll—”

She shakes her head. “I have to leave. It’s the only way. Cathy agreed not to say anything as long as my resignation is in before the close of business today.”

“Fuck Cathy!”

“It was my idea, not hers. This doesn’t have to get out. No one need ever find out. You can stay in the program and—”

I take her hands in mine. “I don’t want to stay in the program. I don’t want you to leave. I have feelings for you, Paisley, and I’m sure you—”

She shakes her head, pulling away. “No, Arctic. We had an agreement. No feelings. It was supposed to be a short-term thing and just sex.”

“I don’t give a shit about the agreement. And things change. I’ve changed.” I keep my gaze firmly on her. “I think you’ve changed too. We can get through this…together.”

“Well, you should care about the agreement. We only just met…stop it already. You only think you have feelings for me because we have such great chemistry.”

“That’s not it at all. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“I’ve made up my mind.” She puts her hands on her hips.

I’ve seen the way she looks at me, and I’m sure there’s more there. I’m not that clueless. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know what I feel.

“Hear me out. I want to talk with my Council about you. I will tell them that I’m in love with—”

“No, stop!” she practically shouts at me. “You need to stop talking right now.” Her eyes fill with tears. She blinks them away, swallowing thickly. Then she sniffs. “Jim left me because I’m flawed. I am broken, Arctic. I’m not a real woman. It’s all true.”

Rage fills me.

“That’s not true at all. Your ex is a fucking asshole who doesn’t know what he had. You shouldn’t listen to that prick. You shouldn’t—”

“My ex is right. I am flawed. It is what it is. It’s a fact.”

“Stop saying that about yourself. You’re fucking perfect. You—”

“I’m not on any birth control, Arctic. I’m not on it because I don’t need it. I can’t have children.”

My mouth falls open, and my blood runs cold.

No!

It can’t be.

I shake my head.

“I tried. Jim and I tried for years and years. I have a whole host of problems. Problems with my uterus, problems with my ovaries, my hormones, you name it, I pretty much have it. At first, we were hopeful. We went through round after round of IVF until I was eventually told I couldn’t have kids. I’m infertile. I will never be a mother.”

“And he left you. That motherfucker left you.” I hate him. I want to hunt him down and break every bone in his body.

She nods, and a single tear falls down her cheek. She wipes it away, and it’s like it was never there to begin with. “Yes, he left me. Jim left me for a younger woman, and they’re expecting their first kid. In fact, their son has, more than likely, already been born by now.”

“I’m so sorry, Paisley,” I choke out the words. I can’t believe this. It’s so unfair. She’s been through so much. Now this.

Fuck!

“Don’t be sorry. It is what it is.” She finally closes the distance between us and puts her arms around my neck. “We can’t be together. Your Council would never allow it. You need heirs, remember?”

“I want you.” I’m being selfish in saying it. Paisley is right. We can’t be together. I can’t have her and keep my crown.

I’m the king.

I have responsibilities.

Perhaps if we were in more peaceful times. Perhaps if… I rack my brain trying to figure out a way to make this work, to make us work, and come up empty. I wish there was a way. I even consider stepping down, but Mistveil needs me. My people need their king. There’s something sinister going on between us and the Mainland. I know it. It’s only a matter of time before we crack Ice’s computer. Before the lid comes off. And I have to be here, front and center. I’m just as much a symbol to my people as the Tributes are.

Hope, stability, strength.

I look down at Paisley. My heart is in my throat.

“I’m so sorry, Arctic. It doesn’t matter what we want.” She touches the side of my face and then lets me go. Then, she takes a single sheet of paper out of her purse and hands it to me.

“What is this?’ I ask, even though I know exactly what it is.

“It’s my resignation. It’s better this way. I’ll leave as soon as possible. I’ve already tentatively spoken with Thorn, who has contacted Marcel. It looks like they will be able to replace me ASAP. I’m more than likely going to leave when the flight gets here on Monday. My replacement will be on it.”

“That’s only a few days away. Don’t go just yet.” I know I’m being unreasonable.

“You and I both know it’s better that way. I will continue with my nursing duties, but I’m stepping away from my PR role. I don’t think we should see each other again. It would be for the best.”

I want to argue. The words are already starting to form in my mouth, but I hold them back.

Paisley is right. She’s right about everything.

I hate it. I detest it. I was starting to see a future with her. I had started to work out what I was going to say to the Council…to her.

I broke all the rules. I started to fall for her. I was wrong, and it fucking hurts.

“Say something,” she says.

“I accept your resignation.” It fucking kills me to say the words.

Her eyes flare with disappointment, but she schools her emotions on the next breath and smiles. “I need you to promise me something, and it’s very important.”

“What’s that?” I clear my throat because the words are a little stuck.

“Promise me you’ll try.”

“Try what?” My voice is thick with emotion, and yet she seems so together.

“Promise me that you’ll try to meet someone in the pilot program. That you’ll date a few of the ladies.”

“You’re so eager to palm me off already.” I laugh as pain blossoms inside me.

“It’s not like that, and you know it.”

I nod.

“The whole reason we slept together in the first place was so that we could break the dry spell. It’s broken. Some of those women are lovely. I swear it, Arctic. You just need to give them a chance. Hannah is super sweet and very beautiful. She really likes you. You should go for it.”

Maybe I was wrong about Paisley’s feelings for me. She’s selling it hard.

“Okay. Sure. I promise I’ll give it a try.” I squeeze the back of my neck.

“And not just for one or two days. For the rest of the time that they are here on the island.”

“Sure.” I shrug.

“You promise?” She looks at me like she doesn’t believe me.

“I promise. I’ll do it. I’ll date. When I give my word, I mean it.” I’m not sure if I say it to hurt her because I’m hurting, and she seems perfectly fine.

Paisley’s smile widens but suddenly looks brittle. “Good to know.” Her voice hitches a little.

It’s not just me; she feels the same as I do. She’s putting on an act. The knowledge nearly has me dropping to my knees and begging her to stay, but I don’t. I can’t.

I made the promise, but my Council will expect it of me, anyway. I’ll try to move on. I’ll go through all the motions and date the humans. It’ll be a waste of my time, but what the fuck! I’ll do it, anyway.

“I’m not sorry,” she says, smiling. “I’d do it all again.”

“Me, too.” I walk over to her and hug her.

I squeeze my eyes closed when she hugs me back. We hold tightly onto each other. I can’t quite believe that this is the end.

I breathe her in. Hold her close for a while, and thankfully, she lets me.

All too soon, she’s letting go and walking away, and I let her. Neither of us says goodbye.