Page 17

17

P aisley

I look down at my plate. I normally love mac and cheese. I’ve only eaten a few mouthfuls, and I can’t anymore.

It was the same at lunch. Tuna salad is one of my favorites, and most of it ended up in the trash.

I pick up my phone and open up my chat with Arctic. I look at the unsent message I typed out earlier.

Thanks, but no. It isn’t a good idea. Please don’t pressure me. It doesn’t matter what you say, I won’t change my mind.

My finger hovers over the send arrow, but I can’t do it.

I groan and put my phone down. Then I force myself to eat another forkful but don’t taste a thing. It feels like a brick hitting my stomach.

I need to send him the message, insist on reporting to Thorn, and be done with it. I pick up my phone again, but there is a knock at my door.

I gasp, putting my phone down.

Is it him?

No. I’m being stupid. The ball is in my court. He isn’t coming over. He’s waiting for my decision.

I sigh and go to open the door.

“Hi, babe.” Maggie smiles at me. “I was forced to finally come over here because you didn’t answer the text I sent you this afternoon. Or the one I sent you an hour ago. I don’t like being ignored.”

“I’m sorry, it’s been a crazy day. I was just eating dinner and planned to respond as soon as I finished, I swear.”

Crap!

I can’t tell Maggie any of what went down. I don’t plan on following through and actually sleeping with Arctic, but he asked me not to divulge anything to a third party and I already failed miserably at that.

“Come in,” I tell her. “I heated one of those meals for one. Can I throw one in the microwave for you, too?”

She follows me into the dining room.

“I’m kinda sorta having dinner with Hazard at his place, which is amazing. He’s in a three-bedroom home with a wrap-around porch. I was duly impressed.”

“Dinner? Hmmmmmm.” I lift my brows. “That’s pretty romantic.”

“I told him that it had better not be anything romantic.” She shakes her head. “That’s not going to happen. He’s barbecuing some prime rib for me. I gotta eat, and so does he, so we might as well do it together.”

“Oooohhhh! Sounds good. Better than a heat-and-eat meal, at any rate.” I look down at my half-eaten plate of food. It doesn’t look very appetizing at all.

“Do you want something to drink? I don’t have any wine.” I make a face. “I do have—”

“I’m here for the juice. Spill! What happened with Arctic? Why have you been avoiding me?”

“There isn’t much to say.” I shrug. “It went as expected. Arctic was horrified about what happened, just like I was. It happened. We agreed to forget all about it and to never speak of it again. There isn’t much to tell. That’s why I haven’t responded to you yet. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Maggie starts laughing. She even hits her thigh she’s laughing so hard.

“What is so funny?” I widen my eyes, frowning. “I didn’t think it was so hilarious.”

“Did I tell you I have three sisters?” She holds up three fingers.

“Um…no. How is that relevant?”

“I have an older sister and two younger ones. And let me tell you, sisters lie all the damned time. Especially when there are so many of them living in one house. They steal your clothes – they lie. They hog the bathroom – they lie about when they’ll be done and why they need the bathroom in the first place. They sneak out and lie. Do you know what happens when you live in a house where people lie a lot?”

“No, I have one sister, and we don’t lie to each other…ever.”

“Lucky you. We had a feminine “Lord of the Flies” thing going on in our house growing up. When you live with liars, you learn to spot a lie from a mile away. Even a seasoned liar. And you, sweet, sweet Paisley, are not a seasoned liar. Not by a looooooong shot. You are lying to me right now. Don’t even try to deny it because I won’t believe you. Now, tell me what really happened with Arctic.”

I sit down hard in my chair and push away the mac and cheese because I’m never going to eat it. “He wants sex. You were right.”

She squeals. “I knew it!” Then she fist-pumps the air a few times, shouting. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Did you do it already? Have you…?”

“No! God, no!” I shake my head. “He put a proposal on the table. He said we’re both broken and both celibate and that...”

“Wait, he’s what now?”

Shit!

“Please, Mags, you really can’t repeat this. He told me something that is extremely personal. The reason for his celibacy and it’s really bad.”

“About his wife being murdered,” she says, looking sad. “Everyone knows about it, hon’.”

“Yes, that.” I rub my lips together. “She died in his arms, and he took it really badly. Like really, really freaking badly.”

“I can well imagine. I didn’t know he was celibate, like he hasn’t had sex since…”

I’m shaking my head. “Nope, and no one can know. Please, Maggie.” I take her hand and squeeze. “It’s his personal business. It can never get out.”

“Holy shit! This is big. I swear I won’t say anything.” She squeezes back, and I let go.

“He said he can see a sadness in me. He knew how my marriage ending devastated me…which it did. He said that we’re both grieving for the loss of someone but in different ways. He said that we can heal through using each other for sex.”

“What did you tell him?” She looks skeptical.

“I told him I needed to think about it. I have to turn him down.”

She gives me a look. “Are you nuts?”

“I can’t go through with it. He’s my boss and a candidate.”

“So you keep saying. We spoke about this. Throw caution to the wind, Paisley. When in your life have you ever done that?” She looks at me head-on.

“When I came to this island.”

“Don’t stop now.” She gets this naughty grin. “I say go for it. Unless you’re afraid of falling for him.”

“Not going to happen,” I deadpan. “Jim really did a number on me. After ten years of marriage, he left me because I was defective.”

“You are not defective. I hope you didn’t listen to him.”

“Actually, I am defective, and it isn’t his opinion; it’s a fact. I can’t have children.” My voice wobbles and breaks. A tear runs down my face. After all this time, I thought I was done crying. Turns out I’m not, since another one slides down, hot and big. It plops on the table.

“Oh, hon’. I’m so sorry.” Maggie grabs my hand again and squeezes it, holding on this time.

“Once Jim had done two years of his residency, we started trying. We tried for over a year before seeking help. I was told I had endometriosis and a hormone imbalance. I had a surgical procedure and went on meds, but it didn’t resolve. We tried for another year, and I didn’t get pregnant. We were then told that I had PCOS and that we would need to go the IVF route; my chance of becoming pregnant naturally was nil. And so we went that route.”

“Oh, hon’, that couldn’t have been easy.” She shakes her head, her eyes filled with concern.

“It wasn’t. All the needles and drugs. I didn’t care. All we wanted was a baby. All I ever dreamed of was becoming a mother. Jim and I talked about it often after we got married. About how we would start trying as soon as he was well on his way to becoming a neurologist. Then he became fully qualified, we had the house, the picket fence; we just needed children to complete the picture and make our family complete.”

“I’m assuming the IVF didn’t work?” Maggie scrunches her nose up.

I shake my head. “We went through seven rounds. That’s when our fertility specialist advised us to seek donor eggs. At that point, I was diagnosed with diminishing egg syndrome, another issue to add to the long list. I was told that the chances of becoming pregnant were less than five percent if we tried another round of IVF. Jim left me two weeks later. He told me that he had always dreamed of being a father. He didn’t want to explore other options like adoption or surrogacy or an egg donor. It didn’t fit the perfect picture he had planned.”

“What a prick!” Maggie yells.

“He remarried within a year of our divorce, and they are expecting their first child. A boy. He may have already been born.” I shrug sadly. “I made the decision to apply for this position when I ran into his pregnant wife at the grocery store. Lexi was glowing. Jim is, no doubt, excited to be a father. No one had told me about the pregnancy. I knew right then and there that I had to get away from Cedar Pines. It sucks to live in a town where you’re handled with kid gloves. Where people look at you with pity. That’s how I felt all the time. I picked up a newspaper, and the ad for this position was right there. It was a sign. Here I am.”

“Yep, here you are. Everything you have just told me makes me want you to do this even more. Dive in, girl!”

“What are you talking about, Mags?” My voice is a little shrill. “I just told you why I needed to leave Cedar Pines. I don’t want to see Jim play happy families. I can’t go back there. I don’t want to lose this job.”

“You won’t lose your job. Stop saying that. You need this. You deserve this. Go for it! I say, if you’re attracted to Arctic, then have sex with him. I agree with Arctic. It would help you both to heal. I already told you as much without knowing your history. Are you attracted to him?” She lifts her brows.

“You know I am.”

“Do it! What do you have to lose?”

“I just told you, my job.”

“Who cares about a job? You can get another one anywhere in the world. You don’t have to go back to Cedar Pines.”

“I like it here.”

“If you guys are very careful, you’ll be fine. No one need ever find out.”

I sigh.

“Go for it, or you’ll live with some serious regrets. You know you will.” Her eyes are shining.

I look at her. She looks back at me for several long moments.

Then we both grab each other, screaming like young girls.