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P aisley

“Screw it,” I mutter under my breath as I grab the packet of peanut butter cups from the shelf, imagining how the chocolate is going to melt in my mouth later.

I shouldn’t.

I want to.

I can’t!

I close my eyes and groan. I need to stay strong. No chocolate or wine on workdays. I’m only allowed my guilty pleasures on a day off and then only once a week. That’s it! I’m trying to be the most healthy, well-rounded version of myself that I can be. They say that a healthy body leads to a healthy mind, which leads to happiness. The real kind. The kind that comes from within.

I can do this.

With a sigh, I put the snack back on the shelf, staring at the chocolates longingly for a few seconds before walking on.

It’s only four more days until I’m off again, but who’s counting?

Healthy body, healthy mind, happiness. Healthy body, healthy mind, happiness. I keep repeating the mantra over and over in my head, stopping mid-stride as I turn the corner.

Why me? Whyyyy? Nooo!

There she is.

Would you look at that.

It’s her…and…and… No! It can’t be. It is… No, no, no, no, nooooo! Why did no one tell me about this? Surely people knew. My friends, my family. The sneaky bastards. This can’t be happening. I start to backpedal when she sees me.

“Hiiiiiiiiiii!” Lexi yells as her eyes lock with mine.

My mouth falls open. I try not to stare. I try not to react, but I can’t help it. My face starts burning. My insides, too. I get this weird numbness that starts in my feet and works its way up.

After a few long seconds, I realize that I am just standing there with what I know will be a crazy smile plastered on my face.

I suck in a breath, forcing myself to relax, willing my smile to be real. I can do this. I must.

“Lexi,” I say in a singsong voice as I walk over to her.

Lexi beams at me. She even gives me a two-fingered wave. It’s annoying, even though I know she doesn’t mean to be. There isn’t a bad bone in this woman’s body.

I want to hate my ex-husband’s new wife; then again, they’ve been married for over a year now. I can’t keep calling her his new wife, and I need to stop. I want to hate her so badly, but I can’t because she’s too damned nice. Oh, and beautiful. Gorgeous is probably too tame a description. That asshole lucked out when he snagged Lexi. Lord knows he doesn’t deserve her. Not one bit.

He’s the colossal prick, not her. Lexi can’t be blamed for his shortcomings. I can be nice. I will be nice to her.

It’s hard, though, especially since she’s glowing. Not just her face and her skin but her whole body, which is toned and tight despite the definite baby bump.

A baby bump.

What did I do to deserve this?

“You’re pregnant,” I say stupidly as I get closer. I mean, it’s blatantly obvious that she’s pregnant, unless she put a pillow under her clothes or swallowed a cantaloupe. “I didn’t know.”

Lexi rubs her belly and then drops her hand at her side as if she’s doing something wrong. She gets this look. It starts off pitying and then turns into concern…for me.

She touches the side of my arm, looking down at the ground for a moment before looking back at me. “I’m so sorry,” she all but whispers. I know she means it.

“What? No.” I shake my head. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. It’s great. So great.” My voice is upbeat. I’m still smiling. “Congratulations.”

She sort of smiles. I can see that she still isn’t sure.

I’m ashamed to say that jealousy lashes at me but I push the emotion aside. “I mean it, it’s wonderful. So exciting for you…for you guys. How far along are you?” I smile.

“Thirty-three weeks already, and I’m loving being pregnant.” She smiles back.

Of course you do.

Nope! Not doing that.

“That’s wonderful. Is it a boy or a girl? Do you know?”

“A little boy.” She rubs her stomach lovingly. “Jim is beside himself…um…with…”

“It’s fine, Lexi…you can say it. Jim and I divorced two years ago. I’m getting on with my life.” I shrug like it’s no biggie. Like my heart wasn’t ripped out of my chest.

“Oh!” Her eyes brighten up. “Are you seeing someone?” She looks at me with such expectation that the lie just rolls off my tongue.

“Yes.” It’s more to make her feel better because it certainly doesn’t make me feel any better.

It has the right effect. “That’s so great,” Lexi gushes. “I’m so glad to hear it. Jim will be happy for you, too; I just know it. He still feels bad for…”

“Let’s leave the past in the past. I’m good now.” I snort-laugh, sounding like I don’t have a care in the world. “It’s done.” I wave a hand. “You two are together and expecting a son. I wish you all the best. You’re going to make such a great mom.”

“Thanks, Pais.” She calls me by the shortened version of my name that Jim liked to call me by. I never liked it. I want to correct her, but I don’t. I want this conversation over already.

It’s been a long day. Twelve-hour shifts can be grueling. My feet and my back are killing me. Not to mention how all those painful memories of Jim asking me for a divorce are all coming to the surface. Every last one of them.

I was devastated. I think that in some ways I still am. That and angry. Why couldn’t he love me for better or worse? I push away all the memories accosting me, because it won’t serve me or change anything.

“What’s his name?” Lexi asks, her brows lifted high.

I frown. “Who’s name?”

She frowns. “Your boyfriend, Pais. What is his name and what does he do? Tell me about him.” Then she smiles, looking unsure; her big eyes are focused on me. She chews on her lip.

“Oh.” I giggle. “Of course. Sorry, it’s been a long day. My brain is mush at this point. Um…his name is…” Crap! I need to think quick. For whatever reason, I’ve hit a blank. “It’s um…it’s…Reese. His name is Reese.”

Thankfully, I came up with something.

“And um…he’s an accountant at a big firm. It’s still new…our relationship, that is,” I add. “But I think it might go places.”

“Oooooh.” Lexi bobs her brows. “Still super exciting. I’m so happy for you.” I know she means it. So damned sweet. I’m not sure what she sees in a guy like Jim.

Actually, I do. He’s a big-shot neurologist. Jim jogs every morning without fail, even when on vacation. He lifts weights three times a week and is easy to talk to…to be with.

I hate him.

I hate him with every fiber of my being.

He crushed me. Destroyed me. Broke me.

Lexi narrows her eyes. I haven’t responded. Her smile falters.

“I’m happy for me, too. I almost can’t believe it’s real,” I whisper. Maybe because it isn’t real at all. I really do need to get on with my life. I haven’t so much as dated since the divorce. My vagina has forgotten what sex is. I will never trust a man again, but I do want to have sex again at some point. I miss it.

“It is real, Pais, and you deserve it,” Lexi says.

I nod like my neck suddenly became a spring. “With that in mind, I need to get going…he’s coming over for dinner.” I look at my watch. “Crap! He’ll be at my door soon. I need to grab the last few things.” I look down at my sparse shopping for one. “A lot of things,” I add as I start to push my cart. “It was so lovely to see you, Lexi, and congratulations again on the baby. I wish you everything of the best.”

“All the best with Reese. I hope it works out.”

“Oh, it will. Reese is amazing.” I fake swoon, and Lexi laughs. I note that she is stepping toward the check-out counter.

“Bye.” She waves.

“Bye,” I say back as she turns away completely.

I race back into the aisle I just left and take a bag of Reese’s Cups off the shelf. “Come to Mama,” I whisper. “I know you’ll never let me down.” I kiss the packet before dropping it into my trolley and then grab a second packet for good measure before racing to the wine aisle. I select a chardonnay, not being too picky about it.

So far, I’ve been quite lucky. Despite living in the same town, I’ve only bumped into Jim and Lexi a couple of times.

But it looks like the time has come to leave this town. It’s time for a change. I can’t run into them after the baby comes. I just can’t. It would kill me. That broken pieces inside of me would shatter and then splinter. That still-open wound would start to bleed again. I might never recover.

I have a ton of experience as an ER nurse. I know I could get a job at just about any hospital in the country, but the thought leaves me cold. I want to do something crazy. Something wild.

I want to pack my bags and tour Europe or something. I read “Eat, Pray, Love.” I can do it. Just for a year…two at the most. Then, I’ll be ready to get back to real life. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone new. Maybe… No, that’s crazy talk.

I don’t want to meet someone new. I don’t want to give myself for better or worse, only to be tossed out like garbage all over again. I don’t ever want to hear those words. Defective. Broken. I’m sorry, but… I love you, but… I wish we could stay together, but…

But.

But.

But.

There shouldn’t be a “but” when it comes to love. Not the real kind.

I don’t want to see pity in the eyes of the man I love – or thought I loved. I couldn’t bear it.

I grab the rest of the items on my list, still stuck in my own mind. Then I head for the check-out counter. I’m thrilled to see that Lexi is gone, but I grumble under my breath at the queue of people waiting in line.

I do what anyone would and pick up a newspaper. I’ll read the headlines and one or two articles to pass the time. The headline on the front page is in bold type: MAJOR OUTCRY OVER TRIBUTES.

“That whole Tribute business is just terrible,” the older man behind me says as he looks at the front page from over my shoulder. With almost completely gray hair and serious wrinkles around his eyes, he must be closing in on sixty. “They should be ashamed,” he mutters. “It’s bad enough that we’ve had to send thirty youngsters to that island year after year. Now they want sixty.” He sighs, shaking his head.

“It’s an abomination, is what it is,” the woman in front of me complains. “Not all of them return, do they?” It’s not really a question, and she doesn’t wait for an answer. “My cousin’s daughter was selected a few years ago, and we’ve never seen her since.” She snorts in disgust. “They get eaten by those beasts.”

“Same thing happened to my neighbor’s son when I still lived in Sacramento.” The guy waves his hand. “He came back alright but refused to speak of his time on the island. He looked afraid for his life. He never was the same again.” He shakes his head. “I don’t believe all that dragon cock and bull. It’s nonsense.”

“Something bad is happening on that island; I just know it. They—” the woman starts to say but I don’t continue to follow their conversation.

They continue to talk over me while I browse the paper, being careful not to damage the pages, since I’m going to put it back on the shelf soon.

The whole Tribute thing is terrible. Especially since no one really understands any of it. Apparently, the medical examinations for potential candidates were hectic this year. It wasn’t simply a blood draw and a general checkup. It was a thorough exam, including a gynecological consult for the women.

All I can say is that I’m glad I’m well over twenty-five and can’t be selected anymore. I narrow my eyes as an advertisement catches my eye.

Are you a qualified nurse with at least five years of experience?

Um…yes!

Are you looking for a change? Would you be willing to work abroad?

Absolutely!

Do you have a strong sense of duty?

That would be a resounding yes.

If so, this could be the adventure of a lifetime.

I keep reading and get more and more excited as I do. It’s a position for a nurse on a remote island. This sounds right up my alley. A year-long contract with the possibility of a renewal. The annual package is enough to make my eyes water. I’m an ER nurse, and I don’t make that kind of money. Not even close. Even better, there would be regular working hours unless there is an emergency. There’s plenty of time off for sightseeing. Paid-for accommodation. This sounds perfect. In fact, it sounds too good to be true.

“Sorry, Miss. Excuse me…um…sorry!” I realize that the lady at check-out is trying to get my attention by waving her arms. There is no one in front of me, and there is a whole gap between me and the counter. I zoned out.

“Oh!” I say, looking back. There are three people behind me. They’re looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Apologies,” I mutter as I push my cart forward.

I place the newspaper down first. I’m keeping it and applying. I really hope I get the position. I love the idea of a remote island, and the extra money would come in handy. If I don’t get it, there’ll be something else out there for me. One thing is for sure: I’m going to make a change, and it’s going to be for the better. I can’t stay in Cedar Pines. Not now that Lexi and Jim are about to have a baby.

Seeing them together as a family would kill me.